To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

When you’re this overwhelmed (& I get it because I’ve been there) you’re going to be hard pushed to make any constructive decisions and follow through with them. What you clearly need is… A BREAK. You either need to tell your ‘DH’ (deadbeat not dear, sorry.) that you need an entire day in the least to yourself this weekend or you hire a baby sitter. Don’t feel guilty either you cannot pour from an empty cup. Absolutely everything will seem less awful if you’ve just had a little bit of time to BE. That’s my advice anyway…

This. Tell him you have a terrible headache and don’t want to spread a bug. Spend a day or so resting and then come back refreshed.

I found the book Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting invaluable when my dc were young. No overblown promises from the author (note the -er’s in the title) just some solid techniques. Never looked back after reading this one.

We’re a neurospicy household and I can relate so strongly to sense of being touched out with dc whose love language is touch and proximity. Another book I’d recommended is 21 Days by Justin Coulson, particularly the sections on connection and attention. Learning how to fill up their cup is key to getting them to bugger off occasionally

You’ve listed loads of issues and my advice is not to try and solve everything at once. But to know also that if you can fix any one little issue the knock on effect is actually bigger than you’d expect. So try not to see it as an overwhelming amount of issues but a lot of choices about where to start.

Yep.

And he also needs to be made to take responsibility for both of them. It's just too much for you to have to do all this, however hard he finds it.

Even if you dont have friends in the UK ,Can u go away for a night or two on your own? Travelodge have some very reasonable deals, and you can have a coffee ,mooch round the shops and so on. If your budget stretches a bit further a country hotel with a spa maybe .Try a couple of nights and go see a film .You need a break for your MH.

book annual leave tell no one bring kids to nursery as normal go home rest and do same in two -three weeks. You are overtired and just need a time out. Then when a bit rested can you think of how to be able to spend time with the kids whilst getting on with chores batch cooking etc

Do they have friends they can play with?
Parents today spend more time with their kids than even housewives did in the 50s, partly because kids used to be left to their own devices with other kids a lot more. Can they do playdates with friends where they can get the play they crave but from their peers? Ideally in a big secure garden where they can amuse themselves and make as much mess as they like!

Clearly if you are their only source of company and entertainment at the weekends you will feel utterly drained, their peer group should be filling the majority of this role.

Do they have friends they can play with?
Parents today spend more time with their kids than even housewives did in the 50s, partly because kids used to be left to their own devices with other kids a lot more. Can they do playdates with friends where they can get the play they crave but from their peers? Clearly if you are their only source of company and entertainment at the weekends you will feel utterly drained, their peer group should be filling the majority of this role.

Poor you, this sounds very stressful. I have children the same age (and now a third!) So i completely understand how hard it can be when they want your attention all day long.

It sounds like if they eat well when not with you, it may well be an attention seeking thing. Any attention even negative is still attention. It's extremely hard but can you put in an hour of really quality play time with them? Don't go anywhere just stay at home or in the garden and either play with them or do an activity; baking, gardening, some crafting. Don't look at your phone or try to do other chores at the same time. Give them lots of cuddles and fuss. After that get them started on an imaginary game together for example build a pillow fort out of sofa cushions and blankets and pretend its a cave network, then move away and leave them to it. And hopefully they will get into the game for a bit without you.

We have no screen time in the week, then use it ar the weekend so we can have some kid free time. It's a special treat so they enjoy it much more and they take it in turns to choose a film they want.

With food what has worked really well for us in tricky food phases is getting the kids help with the preparation of it. Even if its just adding things you've pre chopped to the pan. They could even help you with the batch cooking. My two love helping and are much more likely to eat it afterwards.

Best of luck, I hope you can get to a better vibe in the house. Remember you are not alone, we've all been there at times where it all feels too much. And tag team with DH so you can both get a break.

In my experience kids are usually pretty amenable to basic housework if you make it sound fun. This will involve you relaxing about the standards things are done to however.

"You want to play with mummy? OK, see how much dirt you can get off the floor with this dustpan and brush. Here's a duster, why don't you make all the tables / bannisters / door handles shiny (obviously don't do this with tables that have breakable objects on). Why don't we make the lounge all pretty by putting the cushions and books / dvds / throws back where they live? Can you match up all the shoes by the front door and line them up? Can you pair up all these socks and put them in piles of mummy's / daddy's / yours?"

Amend as appropriate. You'd be surprised how often this works.

I have 4yo & nearly 2yo boys and if we stayed in often they would break me.

We are out of the house with a packed lunch all the time. National trust walks / Merlin membership places (aquarium every couple of weeks in winter, local theme park most weeks this time of year. It’s good to have a carrot to dangle and I’ve made a point in leaving places when they’re being pains in the arse so they see the connection & remember.

My STBXH has never really helped. I’m happier doing it alone in some ways as at least I know I won’t get passive aggressive comments about how everything they do wrong is my fault and have to put to with strops from him aswell as DC.

And also OP I feel so bad for you that they don’t watch tv!!

I feel your pain. Because you don’t want to discuss the useless husband, here are some things I used to do with mine:

Focus on what they can/will do. My DS would only eat spaghetti bolognese for two years, so that’s what he got. The freezer was full of individual portions of it. Both him and my DD were fussy eaters. I once served them plain pasta - sometimes with peas and/or sweetcorn - for two whole weeks before either of them even noticed. During that time though they were happy and full. There were no complaints about meals. They’re in their teens now and eat a wide range of food, so don’t turn it into a battleground. Make fruit or veg sticks available if you want to feel virtuous. Not every meal has to be balanced.

At 3 and 5 they still want you close and they’re not much cop at playing alone. They also have the energy of the sun. Just run round a park with them then take them home and feel them plain pasta.

This will pass but it is a tornado when you’re in it. You are on your knees because you are effectively managing three children, not two, and you are exhausted and resentful.

I used to feel the same when my DC were little. I know you don't think this now but you will miss this time when their grown up. What I found helped most having 2 with autism and ADHD was to get out the house with them as much as possible. The housework can wait.

I've sent you a pm 👍

I really really hate this sort of comment.

I do not miss the toddler years. I will never miss the toddler years.

Mine are 9 and 12 now. And yes, I can imagine missing this age as they're both just delightful (most of the time), funny, fun, chatty etc and I am actively enjoying my time with them. But toddler/baby? Not so much. You don't miss times in your life you didn't enjoy. Loving my children when they were toddlers, didn't mean I enjoyed that time particularly. I didn't. OP doesn't.

In fact, I realised the other day that I'm dreading the baby/toddler years with grandchildren already!

It shouldn't be an option for your husband to not look after them both. You need to put your shoes and coat on and leave the house, tell him calmly that you are going for a walk and just go. Do this at least once a week and he will have to come up with his own coping strategies. You should be able to have a bit of time to yourself at the weekend while he takes them to soft play or whatever. It will be fine, no one will die.

My DC are 4.5 and 1 so I'm also in the trenches and I really appreciated reading your description of life on the other side, thank you! Best wishes to you OP, sounds extremely tough and I know what you mean about feeling completely overwhelmed and desperate for a break.

I hear you OP - the pair of your and your Dh are f ing exhausted, overwhelmed.

Being honest - this is why I never worked full time once my kids were here - not out of any sort of moral belief they needed me - but because I honestly dont think it is much of a life for an adult to work 5 days then slog all weekend thinking about meal planning etc.

Could you drop a day - use that for chores/ meal stuff - then try to absolutely have nothing to do at weekendss other than be there for the kids.

This really will get easier they are hard ages.

Once they hit 6/7/8 - they will enjoy playdates at weekend - meet other parents in the park let them run about - sign them up to football etc - they are little and miss you from being in childcare but - they will get older and it will get easier,

Sorry, OP, I've only read your posts and not the full thread.

We both work full time too, and what helps us massively here is splitting one day over the weekend so we both get a break. So for example, Saturday morning my husband has kid-free time to do whatever he wants. We'll all have lunch together and then I disappear and have the afternoon to myself. Just having that clear breathing space to do whatever I want with no demands on me has kept me sane, honestly.

@BlingLoving great post

OP this book has great strategies for food https://www.amazon.co.uk/Food-Our-Children-Eat-Like/dp/1841154776

OP please speak to someone about your MH if you ever feel that overwhelmed again where you feel like you need to leave. Look after your self first.

Now - you cannot do this alone - but you need to "go through the trenches" to be able to change anything.

If they have got used to getting their own way, you have to do the opposite. e.g chocolate/sweets - none for bad behaviour. it will feel temporarily "worse" but unless the behaviour changes this will continue their whole lives and make your parenthood journey filled with fire fighting constantly.

If they won't eat - let them eat nothing. you can invole them in the food planning, or prep and/or cooking, and then that is their only option. They will not starve to death - speak to Health Visitor or doctor to confirm.

Wont sleep? Keep putting them back in bed, it will be difficult for a few days but you have to stick to it.

Won't occupy themselves? Sit with them for some tasks but they have to learn to do some things by themselves.

Start with the basics - then you can incorporate the fun. You shouldn't have to cut your working hours down if is not something you want/are able to do.

Your partner should take them out of the house for an activity, to allow you some time to breath and do things you want/need to do as well. Showering, eating, cleaning are NOT wants, and that is the bare minimum someone should be able to do.

If your partner does not pick up some of the load, and or give positive input - you might as well be a single parent and only have your children and yourself to deal with rather than thinking of another adult.

Big hugs to you, this is very difficult alone, hoping you can find the strength.

Take a breath as many of us have felt this way and it really is exhausting x

I have 2.5y old and he eats every wake moment. At least it feels like that.
Fruits, flakes in milk, toast, cookie, and it is only 10am.
Apparently at nursery he will eat ALL food including vege. I am yet to live to see him eat broccolly or salad.
I am happy if he eats tomato and corn once in a week.
But you know what?
He will be fine on toast and butter.
And I offer food every 2h as he goes into starvation meltdown.
Maybe yours will respond ok to frequent feeds?

And for TV,I'll just put something on that I can watch and lie on a sofe when tired. DS is super happy to join (as he now loves TV), DD is younger and will just roam around and climb up for occassional cuddles.
I still hope she will develop some kind of love for TV so me and DH can have 30min in the evening when they are boths supposed to have down time.
I know it may sound horrible to some but for me it is a vision of heaven as I don't have strenght to socialize with DH every day after children fall asleep. It's 8:30pm and I am half dead.

Radical but just throwing this out there
https://news.sky.com/story/mums-on-magic-mushrooms-why-parents-are-microdosing-class-a-drug-13067275

If your husband is that useless then split.

Then you'll have time to yourself and it'll take the pressure off.