To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

have you got one of these near you? https://www.littlekickers.co.uk/
A long time ago now, but ours was ace - parents sat round the outside so it's an activity someone else is taking the lead on, but you're still there - fills a weekend morning. It's not exactly a weekend away, but it's a mental break.

All four of you together can be a bit overwhelming for the whole weekend.

Set it out so you're doing something fun for yourself, a class or whatever. Your partner also.
Each of your adults can then plan to have an hour or so with each child in turn so they get some one-on-one time - bike ride, walk round the park, build a den whatever. They love this in my experience and it's good to really tune in to them.
Book a babysitter for saturday night with your partner.
Like in About A Boy - approach the days in units of time rather than an onslaught!

Hi OP, I have a 4 year old and 1 year old and feel your pain. If they are needy or in a grumpy mood it is relentless. I won't hammer home about your OH but I agree with the other posters. Some things that things that might help you;

I assume you do the food shopping? Just stop buying chocolate and sweets for them. Instead offer them healthier sweet snacks - cheerios, yoghurt and fruit.

Offer picky meals. Try things like oatcakes with peanut butter with berries and grapes, cheddar, rice cakes, slices of apple, orange segments and once they start to eat this then start to add in other more difficult foods slowly. It could start with a small chunk of cheese on the place or a slice of cucumber or red peper, some cooked chicken etc. They might not eat it but it will become normal to see that on their plate at home and eventually (one day whenever that might be) they will pick it up and put it in their mouth. Slowly and small wins with food race.

Try to teach them about a time schedule ie we will play with playdoh/drawing/kinetic sand and then I will have a cup of tea and during that time you can read books or play quietly and THEN once I've had my cup of tea we will go for a bike ride/park/play in garden. It will eventually work if you are consistent. Sometimes I like to ask them to repeat back to me the plan and if they keep bothering me will say things like "When did I say we would do xyz? Have I finished my tea yet?" Etc

Sounds like you're in a bit of a cycle in that they are craving attention and you are struggling to give them attention (because you are exhausted). Maybe think of things you want to do or that you don't mind doing? Sometimes the simple things are the best. I like to take my kids for a walk in the park. I find an area with trees and get them to collect sticks to "build a fire" and I stand there and my input is "oh that's a brilliant stick for the fire!" "Oh this fire is going to be amazing, you're doing such a good job!" And it can take up the whole morning without much input.

Another thing is my kids sometimes play better when I ignore them when I'm cleaning. Can you just be very busy and if they ask for input just say "no, I'm busy cleaning, you can help if you want?" And when they say no just say "well go and I play, I can't play I have to clean" and just say that on repeat until they get the message?

Lastly, look up Dr.Siggie on Instagram. She has helped me loads with my parenting skills. Without being harsh it sounds like you're all just moaning at eachother and unfortunately you are the adult and need to teach them how to respond to things that feel annoying or uncomfortable.

I know you want to ignore the DH issue or at least separate it off - but you can't. You will be in the same situation this time next year if you don't deal with him.

He is not overwhelmed - he's weak and lazy. Overwhelmed by what?! You are doing it all.

I would tell him that you too are at breaking point and your relationship will not survive unless he splits the load with you and works as a team. If you divorce he will have to have them 50% of the time on his own. Mean it.

Even if you wanted to, which you shouldn't, you simply cannot do enough on your own in the time you have in order to make weekends bearable. He has to stick to the plan - using snacks as currency is bad. He has to do his share - even if it's the simple things like being in charge (not waiting for you to ask) of cooking cold pasta and cutting carrot sticks for snacks every time without fail.

Split the time at home into 45 minute units and take turns. No phones or distractions while it's your turn - children whine because they know they don't have your presence. Get down on the floor with them, play games, build, draw with them. He researches some projects he can do in short bursts with them - constructing a space station etc.

It sounds really tough OP.
I found my 3YO behaviour was starting to slip and she was playing up a lot more, so now I make sure if I’m playing with her, I’m actually playing with her - no phone, no housework, we just play together.
We go out a lot to the park etc, and again, I just play with her without distractions (other than the baby!). She’s a different child out the house! You say they’re constantly asking for attention etc, but with respect, they’re still so young of course they want your attention. Of course kids need to learn to entertain themselves etc but they also need quality time with their parents which it doesn’t sound like they’re getting - and no blame to you for that at all, you’re on your knees.
Food wise, mine will eat pasta only - on nursery days when I know she’s eaten with them (why do they do this?!) I give her whatever we’re having, if she eats it great but if not I know she’s had loads of food. Other days I always give her a plate with something she’ll eat (pasta and cucumber) then other things, fruit/veggies/yoghurt and let her pick at what she wants.

Long story short the main thing I found that stopped the constant whinging was carving out quality time with her with no distractions. In the meantime, get your DH to take them out so you can have a morning to yourself!

They are very hard work when they are little. I sympathise. When mine were little it was a constant chorus if play with me mummy. I loved playing with them but realistically needed to do things like put the washing on or get dressed. I would play with them but say in twenty minutes/ thirty minutes or whatever time I picked mummy has to do jobs and you will need to play with each other. I got a sand timer. 🙂

Hi, I’ve not read all the replies so forgive me if someone else has already suggested this. Can your kids focus on anything for an extended period of time? Because to me it sounds like they could have ADHD and I’m saying that as someone with ADHD. It sounds like they continuously need new stimuli to keep them entertained and new hits of dopamine so they jump from one thing to another chasing the new dopamine hit. Also the food issues could be related. Especially the sugary foods as they cause a spike in dopamine. I’m exactly the same way. It’s calmed down since I started medication. I could be entirely wrong, only you know your kids but it’s just worth a thought. Sending hugs and hope you get a break.

Thos Is what l think

I have been in your boat. I found a weekend routine is good. Also if you can afford it look into local gyms that provide childcare I found this really helpful in those early years, a lot of gyms will have a creche. You can then create a routine where saturday morning you are up and out, they get an hours creche time while you work out or in my case sometimes i just sat on a bike cycling at 1 mile an hour and scrolling my phone. Then you can eat lunch there with them, and then go to the park for example. I found being out of the hpuse infinately easier than being in the house. Also doing things separately, one does supermarket shop with one kid and one does staying at home with the other. The gym creche and soft play or park was my saviour ehen my were little.

Yes. The thread has gone way beyond what I have time to read, but this very much made me think of autism/ND;

"Trouble is they won’t eat any of that. Just plain pasta (no sauce or cheese)."

Have there ever been any hints or suggestions that neurodiversity might be an issue OP?

Interesting, I have a 2.5 year old DD and she struggles to play by herself but she does enjoy watching TV.

I feel for the OP as she has two who sound high strung. It will get easier...one day. If you feel they are ND, worth exploring with GP?

This won’t be a popular comment but it is what I think. I am from the old school days where mothers would either stay at home or work part time to fit around the dad’s work. I think your children have separation anxiety. I remember going to mother and toddler groups where the children who were with childminders acted out the most. I think that since the eighties women have demanded equality but it seems to have backfired because now women are focused on their careers but are also expected to manage the home and the children. I also remember that my own mother worked and I had to go to a neighbour after school and I hated it. I’m not saying that the women shouldn’t work, I am saying that one parent needs to work less. So whoever earns the least should work part time so that the children always have a parent around outside of school hours. Just my thoughts.

None of the advice given in this thread is going to have any impact whatsoever until you address the useless husband issue - because that is essentially what the main problem is - but you have put across that the kids and/or yourself are the issue. They aren’t and neither are you. Open your eyes and look at the REAL issue.

Please ignore sanctimonious posters with an empathy bypass,

You say they are different children at nursery? Any idea why? (activities, best friends, routine?) And what do they eat there?

Also not helpful

@ithinkineehelp Do you have any family about?

Of course they didn't

Because not all children are the same...🙄

And many MANY children won't eat food they don't like

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and I can definitely relate. My son sounds very similar to yours and he has been diagnosed with adhd. I am a single mum and would not cope without the times he is with his dad but when with me, he just constantly wants to play with me, hang off me, speak to me and generally be about 7 centimetres away from me all the time. I have found much success in drawing up a schedule for the weekend which we decorate with stickers and which he helps draw up so that we both get some input in what should be on there. It takes a while to get used to it but you will see some improvement. We have golden time as a reward on there which is where he has my full attention and we do what he wants.

just to also confirm that being a single mother is so much better that being in an unhelpful relationship. It is incredible how much of my mental space was taken up with resentment of my other half which I hadn’t really realised until it evaporated. They bring you right down unless they are helping.

Also - I take my son to places where we don’t sweat the small stuff. We go to an open area and he can run, jump in the stream and get muddy with no one around. I just take lots of spare clothes and let him get on with it (safely obvs in sight - stream is 10 cms deep) and suddenly I realise no one has told anyone off or anything for a decent chunk of time.

good luck to you. Can i suggest you also take a sneaky day or half day off work and don’t tell anyone and just do stuff for you. The skill of motherhood is trying to make half a day at the local swimming pool feel like a week in the Maldives xx

Sorry there are sooo many posts and u may be duplicating. I would reach out to children’s schools and see if there is an support available to look at boundaries and routines for you- also reach out through your local family help hub to see what there is out there for you. As a social worker it sounds like it wouldn’t take much to tip the balance for you guys at the moment and the best thing is to reach out to professionals that can help 😊

I’m sure this is gonna be very unpopular but I truly think 2 parents working full time with young children is a recipe for stress, there I said it. Children in childcare all week following rules etc fee they need to let loose at bit at the weekend. Parents are understandably tired, children want time with parents, parents need to catch up on house jobs, prep for the week ahead and everyone gets anxious and stressed. You feel you have no time to clean, no time as a couple, no time for yourself and no quality time with your kids. Is there anyway you could rearrange even a half day a week where you are home without the kids to do the cooking cleaning etc so the weekend is free? And dh needs to buck up- plan something for him to do, pack the kids a bag and pack him off Saturday morning. And absolutely stop him giving sweets when they refuse to try a new food, do some safe food and some new food, new food needs at least a sniff and a lick. Try two/three things a week to add to the diet.

And will posters PLEASE stop telling her to feed them what SHE wants and eventually they'll eat it

Odds are they won't. She'll be setting up a lifetime's issue with food and making her life even more of a misery than it is.

Yes, dial down the sugar, but if all they'll eat is pasta then at least they'll be getting fuel

She can pretend vitamins are sweets if necessary.

One day they'll try something new. When they're ready

That’s a big part of the problem, I think. You and your DH need to gradually reduce this. If you do it gradually, it should be less stressful for you.

They’re hungry and lacking nutrients and all hyped up on that sugar. This isn’t helping them - or you. As you say, they’ve learnt that crap food is an option, so will push and hold out for it. It’s a mental ‘addiction’ as well as a physical one, and that mental effect is strong in children. Hard as it is, don’t give in. It will make your life a lot easier in the end.

Always try to give them at least some of what you have, eg if you order in a Chinese meal, have some of it plainish chicken. Give them a few pieces of that and some rice alongside what you know they will eat that’s not sweet crap. This could be as simple as a cheese sandwich, but the point is that they have a plate containing some of the same food as you.

I totally get it. Also work full time and have a 2 year old and 4 year old. It can feel relentless.

The main things that have helped me have been outsourcing as much as possible and making things as simple/organised as I can. I know there is an obvious affordability factor here but having a cleaner has been a game changer so at least I’m not stressing at the weekend about all of the housework that isn’t being done. Food is hello fresh so I don’t need to think about that and then just have a weekly delivery of a set list of basics (milk, nappies, bread, etc). I had a massive clear out and got rid of a load of stuff, which makes keeping the house tidy so much easier.

I’ve also implemented the ‘5 minutes peace’ rule, which means if I’m feeling overwhelmed I make myself a cup of tea and sit in the kitchen and listen to the radio and nobody is allowed to come in. Really helps to be able to just take a moment to re-centre yourself before you lose your shit.

I think you also just need to do things by yourself out of the house and your DH will just have to suck it up. Weekly yoga class, go for a walk, whatever it is. I have been making a point recently to do this after I realised I had done nothing for me in years. I got up early last weekend and went for a swim and a coffee which was lovely, had to deal with a messy house when I got back but it was worth it. And the week before that I did a solo theatre trip. I think starting again to do some of the things you enjoyed pre-children will help you get your identity back and feel less resentful.

Also recommend the book ‘The mother of all jobs’ by Christine Armstrong. Some good insights into how to balance work and kids.

I won't fixate on this but could you leave the useless DH?

He is adding to your unhappiness and his sly comments like 'what's all the fuss about' and 'others can do it so why can't you?' show that he's not overwhelmed, he just sees it all as your job.