To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

I have recently been through this with my 6.5 year old and a 2 year old. Its tough. Its hard. Its rubbish.
Then only way we cope is divide and concur and have a structured plan in place for the weekend. No plan leads to chaos. It feels like my life is managed by the minute BUT it helps significantly.
DH takes 6.5 year old, I take 2 year old. Weekends are full of activities - usually 1 each day but 2 year old is upping to 2 on a Sunday. Every 4 weeks we plan additional swimming.
The kids have really learnt in the last 6 months to play on their own but it took work. A lot of doing the plan activities then they seems to want their own down time (we have reduced screen time to 1 hour a day) Last weekend my husband got 2 hours where they just planned for the first time ever!!!! He had to sit in the room with them but they just played so the planning and hard work does pay off eventually.

Get a routine at the weekend and stick to it. it will be hard for you but it will be better than the current situation

Get them involved and committed in weekend clubs for team sport like football or rugby. I am sure the 5yr old can start now. Keep at it. Make them go. Make the dad take the 5 yr old - he might enjoy it too and bond with other parents. He will also see how other parents behave and might pull his socks up.

Swim lessons
What about bikes in a park?
Make them go for walks no matter how hard.

After this they will probably be very happy to sit and watch a little TV

If all they want is plain pasta then just give them this. At some stage they will want something else.

One day you will look back at this stage and have forgotten how hard its feeling now.

seems harsh, but if you stop buying the sweets/snacks, he can't give them to them.
Replace them with something else so there isnt the option for them to HAVE those things as snacks.

Things will be better, just hang in there.

OP, you are overwhelmed and they are hyper in part in reaction to your stress.

Try to make things easier for yourselves by creating some structure.
If they won't eat anyway (mine were like this and I know how very stressful that is) don't batch cook. Have pasta or gnocchi with a fresh store bought sauce one night a week, with some steamed broccoli or peas. Have eggs or breaded fish or salmon slices, oven chips and steamed veg another night. Do an all-in-one tray bake another night with chicken pieces, baby potatoes, mediterranean veg. Baked potatoes with cheese and beans. Etc. Keep it really simple.

When mine wouldn't eat, I just laid out small bowls of food, buffet style. I explained: these are protein - they make you strong and clever, these are carbs they give you energy, these are full of vitamins, they keep you healthy. Then they could choose something from each food group.

Your DH needs to come on board. Structure your time. He takes them to footie/rugby/cricket/swimming/gymnastics/judo one weekend morning while you have a lie in. That's low stress for him. All he has to do is get them there, chill while they are there, then get them home. You do the same another morning while he lies in. Take a book or catch up with emails. Get yourself a coffee. One of you does the weekly shop, the other takes DC to park or actively plays with them in the afternoon. Take turns every other week. Try also to have 1-2-1 time with them - DH takes one and does something that child wants to do. You take the other, and do similar.

This will sound silly, but I recommend getting in-ear headphones and playing calming music.

Go much easier on the batch cooking - potato waffles and baked beans are a fine meal most nights. Quick pasta with some passata. Microwavable rice with a tin of sweetcorn.

Your DH needs to step in but you know this.

If it's safe, send the kids out in the garden with some chalk/ball/sandpit. Cup of tea for yourself, and keep listening to the music rather than the fights. Boys have a lot of energy and need to be physically active.

Don't worry about the mess in the house, if you can. I get quite agitated when it's messy, but with two young kids, you stand no chance. Try to keep one room in the house where toys are forbidden and whatever appears there, gets put in a binbag.

And yes, it does get easier.

Omg I saw this and thought when did I write this post?! Ha I’m in exactly boat OP…
Dont have any useful advice as I’m stuck in the trenches too. But know you’re not alone. The struggle is REAL. Xx

I feel you, life is a complete struggle for me some days. What I find helps is when the kids are being exceptionally loud i put earplugs in. This stops me from feeling overwhelmed and shouty as I am a shouty mum too. I have loop ones that dulls the noise but doesn’t block it completely

Yep this. ^ If you're not sharing the load @ithinkineehelp you may as well split from your DH. At least then he will have the kids some of the time on his own 2-3 days a week, and you can have some ME-TIME. Being with a man who is doing fuck-all with anything. Housework/grunt work/childcare/home admin etc, is soul destroying, because ultimately, you will be waiting hand and foot on him too. At least if you left, you'd only have 2 children to look after and not 3.

Good luck, but yeah, you DO need to sort out your DH and get him to pull his weight. You can't say 'don't focus on my DH!' because HE is largely the problem! Not the tiny humans you both created!

Try making a schedule and stick to it. You can write this, or you can make cards and Velcro them and reset each day in different orders etc.
Add in meal times, get dressed bath time etc bed time etc.

You can add in tv time, terrace time and lots of play by yourself bits- 5 minutes to begin with and then build up when they are comfortable with it. Always followed with a play with adult part - say 10/15 minutes to begin with, with the aim of eventually reducing this time and increasing the play alone time. Set a timer or preferably buy some different time egg timers so they can visually see how much time is left. If they whine refer to the timer in a neutral voice. Do not let irritation creep into your voice. Just be boring and matter of fact. Don’t engage, just grey rock so they get no reaction and it’s pointless to keep pestering you. When it’s play with adult time, then fake it till you make it. Give them 100% attention and be bright, breezy and enthusiastic.

At first this will be hard work but if you make the effort you can tweak it until they are playing alone or watching tv etc more. Don’t increase/ decrease times until they are really comfortable with it. You are looking to the long term and the pain of doing this now, will really pay off.
(You already know that giving in for a quick solution doesn’t work. The kids have learnt that pestering means you’ll give in but then it’s constant. Dh needs to understand this too)

You also need to stop the sweets completely or add them once into the schedule- or you could add a token in after the play by yourself sections that they can have if they’ve played nicely by themselves. Once they’ve collected, say three tokens, then they can swap them and be rewarded with a small amount of sweets. Please don’t let dh undermine this by giving them at other times.

This type of schedule system is used for autistic children but will be ideal for your kids op because they currently have no boundaries. The schedule lets them know exactly what the expectations are, and gives them a sense of knowing what will happen and when.

When it’s snack/meal time. Offer plain pasta and a variety of pre cut up fruit, veg and other picky bits. Food has become a battle ground and the kids have learnt that refusing gets a rise and emotion out of you. Just offer it all again in a neutral tone. It doesn’t matter if they only eat the pasta. Take it away, put what is salvageable back in the fridge and offer it again at the next scheduled snack/meal. Always make sure the pasta is available. Over time if it’s no longer a battle they might try other stuff. Don’t praise or comment. Just treat it as if what they do/don’t eat is no big deal.

Good luck.

Fucking hell, OP, sounds awful and you have my sympathy.

Are you in a position to throw money at the problem? Get a cleaner, get a nanny, buy in as much help as you can?

And honestly, your DH sounds like he's doing nothing but making things worse.

This is just a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but offering TV as one of several options (e.g. do you want to clear up your toys, or watch some TV?) will often get them interested in watching TV when they otherwise wouldn't have done.

A schedule something like this. It can be handwritten or drawn and be a lot longer. Do a morning one or first part of the morning one, afternoon, evening one etc as you’ll have lots of 5/10/ 15 minute bites.

When you’ve completed or about to start each activity then remove the card or cross it out if you’ve written the schedule.

At that age I found it significantly easier to divide and conquer. Things were always less stressful doing 1:1 rather than trying to go to places as a 4. We would make sure the children had activities on Saturday morning to wear them out and then they were much happier and easier in the afternoons. You’d potentially find it easier booking them into more formal lessons than you trying to lead something and then they’ll get used to the teacher. It sounds like you haven’t really persevered with classes. It took me a whole term before my 3yo was happy to do her ballet class without me but now I get my 30 minutes of peace while she’s in.

Both of mine have always needed a good amount of exercise. Neither do well just being at home for an extended period of time. Summer is always easier when they can get out into the garden.

Egg timers such as these to go with the schedules

OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. You’ve got it worse than a single parent as your ‘D’H keeps undermining you.

I know you have your hands full but do you have time to listen (commuting time maybe) to ‘the book you wish your parents read’.

Your boys sense that you’re stressed and they know it’s got something to do with them.

I know you’ve had lots of really good advice above, and I second reacting out to Sure Start.

But, your boys need your attention. They’re not going to stop acting out to get it until they know they’ve got it.

‘I know you want to play outside with me but I’ve got do the washing up… would you like to colour in here while I do it?’

’right, you two have too much energy to be inside right now. Do you want to take some bread to feed the ducks?’

‘I’m excited for us to all go swimming later. We can go once we’ve all cleared up after breakfast and I’ve folded this washing.. would you like to help, or watch tv?’

I worked as a nanny for extremely difficult children (they knew I was paid, and they wanted to test me to my limits). Once you loose your temper/get in an argument you’ve lost them.

Btw home made popcorn is healthy and fun to make with them.

I’ve had friends who’ve had major food struggles with kids. One would only eat fish fingers and plain pasta, quite a trial if we had to find a restaurant to eat at !
I heard a great idea where you just put out a load of different finger foods or a variety of things in small bowls (you may need to try this a few times). Sit the kids to the table with an empty plate, and everything within easy reach. You eat your food, but say nothing about theirs. You might be surprised in what they grab and try through their own natural curiosity as opposed to being ‘encouraged’ by a parent ! Keep experimenting whilst quietly keeping a note of the things they liked. Resistant kids feel more empowered by choosing for themselves.
But yeah, beige freezer food, plain pasta will do too - if they are hungry they WILL eat, don’t worry ! They can always expand their repertoire later.

And OH! the DH thing ??! I have so many friends that say their husbands are useless with the kids, it’s like they think their sole job is going out to work (even when the mother works full time too). Try setting out a daily planner, with a combination of different tasks & activities plus free time assigned to each of you regarding the house & kids each hour. Sounds structured but really helps with communication and everyone knowing what they are doing and when. Might make him slightly more accountable and understanding of the importance of your time and sanity too.

Good luck, don’t let the kids smell your weakness (amazing how they ALL know how to manipulate so young!) and remember things WILL get easier soon, as the kids learn to play better by themselves as well as together. Not long and there will be swimming lessons and football practise to wear them out and give you some breathing space.

I have one of these! It's exhausting, I used to feel quite suffocated. I resorted to a strict, clear boundary, so for example...

Mummy is doing XYZ right now, and will be in to play with you soon! Repeat firmly but calmly

If they keep coming in...

Mummy has said she will be in once she's done XYZ, go play until I'm done, I won't be long!

Just rinse and repeat! It's annoying the first few times, but you need to say it confidently and firmly, but not shout.

And once you've had some time, you go in and play a game with them, so they know you mean it for next time.

I think it would be helpful and healthy if parents (and this will mainly be mums) were able to more openly acknowledge the sheer drudgery and relentlessness of life with young children. I was a single mum and used to think I would go mad from tiredness, from the endless chatter, the stream of questions, the noise, the mess and just trying to stay on top of the cooking and cleaning. It is tough and a lot of it isn't enjoyable. I don't even think it gets easier, it just gets different as they and their needs change. It was the love that kept me going, I adored my child but those early years are especially challenging.

Oh OP I remember these days. I promise it does get better!

Just a couple of things I’ve picked up on:

Is there any chance you’re depressed? If you’re not 100% yourself everything feels harder.

Get a cleaner. Honestly I know it’s a cliche but it takes the pressure off.

Reduce the number of toys available. Less mess and tidying.

Mine started to realise that pretty much everytime we went out, they got a treat and would start whining early. So I stopped it until they stopped associating leaving the house = a treat.

I found sometimes that setting up games bought me some time. So rather than saying ‘why don’t you play with your dinosaurs’ I’d get the dinosaurs out and set them up on the mat.

If they keep shouting for you and you’re busy then tell them. I can’t come now I’m loading the dishwasher/sorting the washing/cooking the dinner. Keep repeating and ignore the whining. And don’t drop what you’re doing. It’s not like you’re living it up, you’re doing necessary jobs to keep everyone alive!

I can’t offer anything on the food situation I’m afraid.

Also, you do need to sort out your husband. I get he's overwhelmed, but so are you! Why is he more important than you?

Sit down together one evening, talk it out and make a plan.

OP this does sound grim. Despatches from the parenting trenches and you're being shot at all the time.

I'm afraid I agree with all the comments that without your DH's support it will be a rough couple of years.

If he isn't prepared to step up with the children, what is stopping him from picking up the chores? Why shouldn't he cook, sort washing, tidy the house? At least that way you can just be present with the kids without that horrible sense that there are so many other things to do.

Also - please cook yourself whatever you like to eat - its an act of self care!.
You may be surprised about how the boys respond to it too. I remember when my DD was small I was exhausted and hungry and I made myself a bowl of chilli and garlic noodles with prawns in. My DD wandered over and kept reaching her squashy little fists into my bowl and stealing all my prawns, even though I had assumed she wouldn't want any because of the chilli and garlic. She loved them and I think the fact it wasn't a formal sit-down meal setting helped her. It led to a love of prawns, and I hadn't thought to offer them to her before then.

Main thing i found easy was going out alot when mine were younger i always make sure to have a plan for a weekend mainly with a friend who has kids similar age as they normally go off and play most of the time and you get a break. Also as your out the house it is not getting messy generally by the time i go got back it was chill for an hour then bath and bed. Although my partner normally sorted this as i had been out all day. No advice for the food one of my kids will only have pasta plain also or things like sweetcorn on its own things like that.

I wouldn’t worry about food too much, they’ll eat if they’re hungry. Mine eat loads some days and nothing other days…just make sure you are giving them a multivitamin.

I Also find parenting SO much easier when we’re not in the house, we try to be out every weekend…either book places or find free places depending on what your budget is.

Another one is don’t sweat the small stuff and I swear by this one!! My partner moans about stuff the kids do that really they wouldn’t know not to do, or they’re just testing the waters. Let them! Save the life lessons and telling offs for the big stuff else we’re just always moaning and they switch off listening to us.

@ithinkineehelp
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