Having my newborn son half of the week.

[QuirkyRoseFox]

Hi all,

My ex-partner is pregnant with our child, we broke up due to her inability to accept my autism diagnosis is a disability and her constant attempts to dismiss my daily lived experience with it....it lead to immense frustration and caused me a great deal of upset.

How likely do you think I would fair in a court situation in terms of getting an agreement in place to have him half the week? She has already stated she will not be breast feeding him so I don't think there's a need for him to stay with her all the time.

I'm looking to arm myself with the relevant facts and get things in place incase that conversation does not go as plans and she objects to the idea, he is my son too and I will want quality time with him and to form that bond.

I am fine with this when it comes to newborns, I have been there for my sister when her daughter's fathers walked out on them.

My day job is very cognitively taxing, but getting up and feeding/taking care of a child does not seem to affect me in the same way based on previous experiences.

Were you looking after your niece completely independently for several days and nights at a time?

It's so easy to say this stuff on a keyboard and behind a screen isn't it?
I came from a place of genuine concern, some ignorance (this is my first child) but there was no need for that.

I hope you have a good life and that this isn't what you stoop to in order to provide yourself some validation or glimmer of dopamine.

I'm autistic myself and don't doubt your ability to care for a child in the slightest. Or the ability of a man in general to care for a child.

It's that, ideally, a baby should live with one primary caregiver, spending time with other caregivers but not overnight until at least two. This person should, if possible, be the biological mother that the child has already formed an attachment with in the womb.

Okay sure, thank you for the explanation.

Autism is a spectrum, and men present differently to women. Some can care for a child very well, some cannot cope at all. We do not have the ability to say how much OPs autism does or does not impact their ability to care for a young baby.

Maybe not 100% but she was very very poorly after both births and I was there for her doing things most of the time until her condition improved.

@QuirkyRoseFox I would say exactly the same to your face. Your whole point was all about how YOU feel. You're antagonistic in your responses and deluded to expect support with such a ludicrous idea. I really pity your ex.

I somehow doubt that very much.
You are of course entitled to your opinion.

I am very very paternal, always have been always will be...my autism does not affect my ability to do that.

I do think even this is very different from attending to every single need of the baby, day after day and night after night, entirely on your own. I had no idea how hard it would be. I think it can be very difficult for people to understand what it's like potentially never sleeping for more than 40 minutes/2 hours at a time for months, and having to be so alert and attuned to the baby's needs when you can't keep your eyes open, until you've experienced it. Doing this on your own is doubly hard.

True enough, it was a big learning experience with my nieces.

It will be an even bigger learning experience with your own baby. I was 15 when my mum had my sis and was really involved in her care- knew all the logistics- but becoming a parent was still like the difference between night and day

Life is full of learning experiences, I welcome them all.

@Jadedbuthappy82 I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been through. I hope that your boys will say no soon and no one can make them. I’m sure that age is around 12? Good luck x

OP you’ve had some good advice on here, definitely regarding the 4th trimester. Newborn babies NEED their mother, and should only be separated for days or longer if there is a crisis. That’s not to say you cant be a hands on, amazing father, you definitely can be, but 50/50 for a new born is a big no.

I agree, minus the unsavoury keyboard warriors with nothing constructive to bring to the table.

Surrogacy should be banned, and is, in fact, in many countries. It is never in the baby's best interests.

Fair enough, it wasn't an antagonistic question....just something I had wondered.

@QuirkyRoseFox

I somehow doubt that very much

You somehow doubt what very much?

That you would say the same to my face.
Go have a snickers, you're a right diva when you're hungry 😀

PSSSST.....you've broken the first rule of Mumsnet talk guidelines.....

• No personal attacks

In addition to the advice you've already had my advice would be stay on the mother's good side. Don't antagonise her. As you aren't married you would need to attend the appointment to register the baby's birth in order to be put on the birth certificate. All she has to do is book the appointment and go without you to exclude you from the birth certificate. Until you're on the birth certificate, as an unmarried father, you have no parental responsibility at all. You'd need to apply to court to even get your name added.

Why do you want to rush to 50/50 OP? How will you facilitate that around your work given you only have 2 weeks paternity leave?

A PP was correct. Bravo man.

I have 1 month fully paid and my work is very flexible as well as 100% from home, I am an excellent multitasker.