Having my newborn son half of the week.

[QuirkyRoseFox]

Hi all,

My ex-partner is pregnant with our child, we broke up due to her inability to accept my autism diagnosis is a disability and her constant attempts to dismiss my daily lived experience with it....it lead to immense frustration and caused me a great deal of upset.

How likely do you think I would fair in a court situation in terms of getting an agreement in place to have him half the week? She has already stated she will not be breast feeding him so I don't think there's a need for him to stay with her all the time.

I'm looking to arm myself with the relevant facts and get things in place incase that conversation does not go as plans and she objects to the idea, he is my son too and I will want quality time with him and to form that bond.

Well why do we allow gay men to have surrogates if that is the case?

Please research the 4th trimester there is so much evidence that newborns need to stay close to their Mum for several months after birth and they suffer from trauma if separated.

Best interests of the child is for you to have frequent contact that will likely not be that long and to slowly increase in length of time to overnights.

Just here for the bollocking.

Unlike birds, mammals are typically cared for by their mother. We have evolved that way so the baby will be hardwired to expect this.

Many would argue that we shouldn't

@QuirkyRoseFox many women are against surrogacy for exactly the reason it isn't in the best interest of the child.

Your baby knows his mother already. He knows her voice, the rythm of her heart, the way she walks, her smell.

He's born knowing this, and his mother is home to him. A newborn baby needs their mother as their constant primary carer, she is their world.

You have plenty of time to bond with your child, don't ruin your chances by putting him and his mother through a hugely traumatic time by seperating them when every instinct in their bodies will want to stay together. Persuing this will ruin your relationship with your ex - you need to aim to develop a good co-parenting relationship, that's the most important thing at this point.

Parenting is a very long game, you need to let go of any idea of what you feel is "fair" for you, and instead put your DS's interests first, and think about what's best in the long term - that's what parenting is about.

it’s not allowed in thr UK actually. (At least not commercially) This is also not your situation so not relevant.

There's no chance. It's great that you want to share the load but it's not in the babies best interest as a newborn, even if she's not breastfeeding. She will be exhausted so your best bet is to find a way to spend time with your child in their home initially. You can do 50/50 when your child is older - be consistent and this won't be an issue.

Indeed. Surrogacy is an extremely exploitative industry and totally disregards the needs of the child.

You need to learn a hell of a lot about prioritising baby’s needs before you are left alone with the baby, let alone taking him/her overnight.

This is not a technical exercise or about being fair.

The mother and baby have been physically dependent on each other- one literally made out of and residing in the other. It takes time for the baby to adjust to being out- look up 4th trimester.

Do not expect your baby to make any allowance for your disability.

Whilst of course fathers are important, the nitty gritty reality is that a newborn needs their mum. It’s great you want to be an involved dad, but surely not at the detriment to your baby? For the early months (years?) I’d be focusing more on how to support your ex partner and build the bond with your baby without ripping him/her away from the mother. Sorry.

This. It’s not about you or her. It’s about a tiny baby and what’s best for them.

Many countries do not allow gay men (or anyone else for that matter) to use surrogates for exactly these reasons.

A baby is a person and a court will look at their interests not yours.

If you don't like the responses, then don't bother posting in the first place.

What kind of man would even consider taking a tiny baby away from it's mum.

Just be as involved as you can, if you're met with hostility then go down the court route, every child needs their dad but not 5050 of a new born, thats really low in my opinion.

If you are serious about this, then it shows how little you care for your baby, that you would separate it from its mother for such long periods. It also shows how little you care for your ex.

Visit the baby regularly and take care of it then. They won't be ready to stay overnight with you for quite a long time, so take the time to build up the relationship.

Surrogacy is basically human trafficking.

I'm all up for loving gay couples adopting DC who need a home.

But babies being created then taken from their mothers to order is ethically no different to slavery, IMO, no matter how nicely it's packaged.

Bit of friendly advice here- begin this by being a good person and then a good dad. A good person and dad will support the mum in the early months to bond with their baby. A bad person and dad looks to disrupt this and cause immense stress and upset for both mum and baby. By showing you get this you will build a good coparenting relationship and be a great dad.

Factually, newborns have zero connection, need or want for their fathers.
Their primary biological need is to be with their mother.
Until a certain time a baby is not even able to recognise that it's a separate entity to its mother. It believes they are one.

In the early weeks, the father’s job is to support the mother. Anyone who doesn’t is a dick bad father.

The baby hasn’t bonded with the father. The baby is bonded with the mother and it’s her heartbeat and smell which is recognises.

You need to read up on attachment.

Yes, because the baby doesn't know you, yet. And THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME for them to get to know you.

Seperating a newborn from their mother is damaging, you simply don't do it if you have the best interests of the child at heart.

Buying a baby is a horrible practice that should be illegal. In the case of adoption, which is ideally child centred, a child could be raised by a man but they should still have a primary caregiver for the first few years.

Mothers, fathers and newborn babies exist in a symbiotic relationship. In the early months of the child's life, the baby's needs are primarily met by the mother, and the father's job is to support and care for the mother as she provides this care and protect them as a unit. So in this situation, the best abd most loving thing you could do for this child is facilitate them being cared for well by their mother.