Having my newborn son half of the week.

[QuirkyRoseFox]

Hi all,

My ex-partner is pregnant with our child, we broke up due to her inability to accept my autism diagnosis is a disability and her constant attempts to dismiss my daily lived experience with it....it lead to immense frustration and caused me a great deal of upset.

How likely do you think I would fair in a court situation in terms of getting an agreement in place to have him half the week? She has already stated she will not be breast feeding him so I don't think there's a need for him to stay with her all the time.

I'm looking to arm myself with the relevant facts and get things in place incase that conversation does not go as plans and she objects to the idea, he is my son too and I will want quality time with him and to form that bond.

I'm allowed to respond to the responses.....

I'm met with hostility now and how she has been with me has been borderline domestic abuse.

A consistent care giver in the beginning, preferably the mother, is best for the baby. It is totally reasonable that you will want to build up to 50/50 care, but doing so at the beginning is not practical or the best option for the baby.

more realistically would be plenty of time with the baby in shorter chunks.if you are able to work together, in her home to start is a good option. Then, over time, you would have the baby for longer periods, and overnight, building up to 50/50.

what are the aspects of your condition that she had issues with? Because realistically, both the baby’s mum and the authorities will need to be confident you can care for a baby. Lots of autistic people do this every day so of course it’s possible, but it would be important to understand any challenges you have and how that might impact care.

This can't be real. Reported.

Not at all, but you are entitled to your opinion.

You need a strong rethink, and should consider whether your ex is as unreasonable as you think.

Based on this post, she’s been very sensible.
I’m married to a man with autism, my son has autism, I’m very experienced in accommodating autism. You need to reassess. You’ve made a mistake.

I too think surrogacy is awful, because it is using the child as a commodity.

I am sorry your relationship broke down. I think you should probably seek support and advice from a specialist forum or group who understand and have experience of the particular challenges of parenting as a person with autism. Parenting is a challenge in itself, then you have the fact you are separated, then thirdly you have autism which may make some things more difficult for you too- or at least, make them different for you compared to how they are for NT people.

This is why we need to teach Attachment Theory in schools! People need to know this stuff before they have children. It's soooo important.

I'd love to hear more about her dismissal of your daily lived experience....

Have you any experience of looking after a baby OP?

Short periods of time, building up to first overnight from age two, 50/50 from school age is what I think you should expect.

Yeah you’ve got no chance at all OP, you wouldn’t even be granted an overnight with a newborn nevermind half the week. No court will even consider allowing that.

You would absolutely be granted access though so that you can see the baby and form a bond, a few hours at a time even, but you have zero chance whatsoever of anywhere close to half the week. Newborns need mum more than they need dad, that’s just a fact of life.

You sound just like my shitty ex who insisted on taking our child 50 percent of the time since she was a baby purely because he sees it as his 'right' to have equal and also because he doesn't want to pay (not that I wanted that or needed it anyway). These men just cannot put the needs of their child before their own wants and it's disgusting. My child still hates the arrangement years later but the dad doesn't give a shiny shite

you Do need to do your research on the mother child bond .

Many fathers feel useless in early months as babies seek comfort from their mums .

The bond is building as baby grows with mum and baby .

you need to be aware what you need to do is build that bond support mum .

you would be traumatising mum and baby separating from newborn .

Yoi talk about how you struggle with your autism - how are you going to manage the baby as well .

In an ideal world mum and dad work together - whether living together or not to raise a child - taking her to court for something you won’t receive will do nothing for that relationship

So he can play daddy? And is the mum just "playing mummy" then? Presumably this is OPs first child and he isn't yet fully familiar with a babies needs to be with its primary caregiver the majority of the time, but that's no excuse for being so derisory about his eagerness to parent his child by insinuating that he's simply "playing daddy" he IS daddy ffs.

I do agree with this. I keep seeing posters around trying to teach people the basics of interacting with babies (see attached) but it’s too late at that point. This stuff should be part of PSHE.

Zero

fathers need to start with have frequent short visits in the presence of the mother and slowly work their way up to 50:50 over the course of the first few years.

Human babies are dependent upon their mothers in the beginning. You need to go do some reading on the 4th trimester and learn about attachment before making demands that are not in your child’s best interest.

Well why do we allow gay men to have surrogates if that is the case?

Patriarchy and capitalism. It’s certainly not because baby trafficking and the exploitation of the reproductive capacity of poor women is a good thing.

Sometimes babies have to be with someone other than their mother. Thier mother may be dead or seriously unwell. They might live in a place/time where adoption is preferred to single motherhood. They may need to be removed from their mother for their safety and well-being. When this happens, we try to give the baby a stable home with a person they can develop an attachment with. We don’t shove them back and forth bi-weekly in the interest of “fairness”.

Op, I think your heart is in the right place. Sort of. Understandably, as the baby's father, you want to have a bond and relationship with baby from birth. I get that.

No, court will grant over nights until baby is at least a year old. You pursuing this will put you in bad light. Arrange to have visits at the baby's home and with mum for the first little while.

After 6m, maybe you can have baby for a few hours on your own. Or maybe way before then. Visit mum and baby, let mum have a bath/nap whatever (when she feels comfortable) for some 1 on 1 time.

With the right discussions, you may be able to save yourself some money and avoid court. Be realistic and kind. This is no longer about you or your ex's wants and needs it's about a fragile new life that needs nurturing, love, and understanding.

Please do some reading on new born and their needs and infant behaviour. You do, no offence sound a bit clueless. Which is normal for first time parents. Information is power. Just don't do the ' I've read it in a book' thing...

And, congratulations on baby.

Until a certain time a baby is not even able to recognise that it's a separate entity to its mother. It believes they are one.

Absolutely this. There is believed to be a higher SIDs risk with babies who are not close to their biological mothers during the first few months of life. They have studied newborns sleeping next to their mothers. Their heartbeats, breathing, and even entering REM sleep is often in sync. Prolonged removal from the biological mother in the first three to six months can cause babies to go into a form of shock which in turn can interfere with the breathing reflex which is not yet properly established. You have a role, but having your newborn 50% of the time is not it.

OP kindly, it would not be in the best interest of your baby to be separated from their mum 50% of the time. I'd focus on ensuring you have reasonable and consistent contact working up to over nights when your baby is older.

No one should be having a surrogate though, should they.

Thank you for your kind and well constructed answer, more than I can say about other people here who have posted.....I have essentially been on the end of what is domestic abuse on her part so I am naturally quite scared as to what she might do given her previous behaviour and simply wanted to float the idea.....I did not expect all this abuse and accusations of stupidity.

I want to be a good father to him and the thought of not being there for him due to her stubbornness causes me great distress.

She has issues with my burnout which is brought on by my job....she thinks I'm making it up and that I don't have a real disability, it's very mentally taxing, and as someone with Autism I am very susceptible to it...however I have a strong track record of having cared for my nieces for extended periods of time when they were babies and have managed just fine.

Hasn't the catholic church just condemned this ? Even the laundries of the post war years kept babies with thier mothers for 6 weeks.

Your baby boy will have spent 9 months with his mother so being separated from her at birth would be hugely detrimental. Look up the forth trimester. It’s great you want to be involved, why can’t you go there and see the baby while she’s there too? This is something that will need to be worked up to. Separating a newborn from its mother is cruel and I include surrogacy in that.