Having my newborn son half of the week.

[QuirkyRoseFox]

Hi all,

My ex-partner is pregnant with our child, we broke up due to her inability to accept my autism diagnosis is a disability and her constant attempts to dismiss my daily lived experience with it....it lead to immense frustration and caused me a great deal of upset.

How likely do you think I would fair in a court situation in terms of getting an agreement in place to have him half the week? She has already stated she will not be breast feeding him so I don't think there's a need for him to stay with her all the time.

I'm looking to arm myself with the relevant facts and get things in place incase that conversation does not go as plans and she objects to the idea, he is my son too and I will want quality time with him and to form that bond.

But none of us get a manual when you go home with a new born, mums are just as clueless as dads. I remember it, walk in the door and think what do I do now.

Be interesting to hear examples of her abuse if you think that women disagreeing with you is abuse?

you seen to think your disability is significant. Is that not going to impact on your care for a newborn?

Not really, it was an example of care being given to a newborn by men without the mother.

Nice of you to assume though based on nothing.....

This isn't overnight with the child separated from their mother for longer than a working day at a time.

Ok.

It sounds like you genuinely want to build a relationship with your child.

The first thing you should do is read up on attachment theory (John Bowlby is a good place to start). That will help you understand why newborns are not usually separated from their mothers unless there are very good reasons (like risk to life of the child).

If it gets adversarial and goes to court you do need to show you understand this stuff and what the baby needs and why in order to be considered a reasonable parent. Otherwise you run the risk the court will consider you ill-informed and you will have less time with your child as a result.

You say there has been "borderline domestic abuse". If there has been violence towards you then it is worth making various authorities aware of that. Below that level, depending on what it is, you are probably going to have to develop a working relationship with your ex if you want to see your child, for the reasons I and many others have given.

How does your burnout manifest itself and how does it affect those around you?

How would you deal with this burnout if for example you were feeling burnt out and then the baby was teething or had reflux or otherwise, and you were also extremely sleep deprived?

It is really laudable that you want to be a good father and form a strong bond with your baby. But you have to think about what is the thing that a really good father would do in your situation, and how would they form that bond?

It seems to me that a really good father would support the mother of his baby to be as calm, relaxed and unstressed in the run up to the birth. Stress for the pregnant woman can be very bad for a growing baby. Then a good father supports the mother to establish that good bond with the baby, which means the baby develops well and the foundation is laid for the ability to form good bonds with other people NOT the mother. The primary bond with a mother or primary caregiver has to come first almost as a gateway to further healthy emotional relationships.

Then a good father would visit the baby regularly, show the mother he is intent on the best outcome for the baby, and build up as positive and non-hostile relationships in order to create a happy and secure life for the growing child. Then he might establish regular custody. Fighting and hostility is a very very negative thing to have in a child’s life.

Do you work?
If yes, what do you plan to do with the baby if you were to get 50/50?
If no how do you plan to support the baby?

Well why do we allow gay men to have surrogates if that is the case?

I wish we didn't.

One of the most damaging things for a child is conflict between the parents so the best approach to parenthood would be to look at ways of resolving the problems between you and your ex-partner.

Absolutely, yes it is.

The baby is not being seperated from you. You didn’t grow the baby inside of you for 9 months. It doesn’t know you.

You are beyond selfish and self centered.

Good luck getting a Judge to agree to that.

I think a man can provide adequate care to a newborn, should the mother be unable to do so. First choice should be the biological mother, if this isnt possible then another primary caregiver so the child can form an attachment, not 50/50 in different homes.

When my son was born (EMCS) he cried until he was placed on me. I needed stitching, had lots of drugs, so didn't feel comfortable holding him and asked his dad to take him. Started screaming again and cried until they finished stitching and he could be placed back on me. My DH is a very caring and involved father. He had to do a lot while I was recovering from a very tough labour and delivery. Pretty much all nappy changes, passed him to me in the night to feed, took shifts so i could sleep. Looked after me while I recovered. Even after about 4 weeks he saw him asleep on me and said he loved seeing him napping on me as he never looked so comfortable and at peace. He loves his dad, but 4th trimester is a thing and you don't realise how much until you've experienced it. He still thought he was part of me and didn't fully settle unless in contact with me.

On the basis you aren’t married you may need to go to court to even be put on the birth certificate.

It's great that you want to do the right thing and be there for your child. It will be very distressing for a baby to be away from mum so easily, but hopefully your ex will not want to hinder your relationship with your child and allow your child access to you in their own home to get used to your smell and sound and create a close connection and bond (as sadly some women use their kids as a weapon and think they are their possession).

Do you have support around you ? Are you ok managing if you have a burnout and your DS is with you ?

I would ensure you get legal advice and see about getting things down in writing for what is agreed if she can't allow you access.

As other posters have said the best course of action would be visits in mums home, bonding can be established that way.

No court will allow 50:50 care.

There has been some brilliant advice in this thread already - fourth trimester, healthy attachment, ideas for the future.

I would also add - getting baby used to your smell. Sleep with a comforter and ask this to be placed near baby when they are snuggling and with Mum, if you don’t see baby daily (and realistically, this may happen, even with a court order). You could even use a multi pack of muslins on rotation.

Get baby used to the sound of your voice, either by FaceTime or record yourself reading short bedtime books.

As tough as you may find hearing all of this, baby at a such a young age is an extension of Mum. What can you do, indirectly, to support Mum and in turn baby. Find a way to communicate in a healthy way and help get what baby needs.

Look up the Solihul approach, you can take a basic course online. Speak to your local Barnardos or similar children’s centre re. Parenting support. Look up parenting resources through support services for people with Autism. Learn about the emotional as well as the practical side of pregnancy and parenting.

Even though you are not in a relationship with your partner, try to understand what she is going through and her experiences - as ultimately, these are shared experiences with your child.

Baby right now just needs to you put them first.

OP some PP have given you a rough time on here and made assumptions which I don't think were very fair. People with disabilities can be good parents, so can people with autism but having a disability makes it a lot harder and it's definitely something to consider how you will manage.

Right, but his attitude was pretty arsey, so people extrapolated from that.

If you suffer from burnout due to work, I think you might need to clarify your understanding of what looking after a newborn involves as it is one of the most physically and mentally draining things you will ever do. Imagine never being able to get into a deep sleep for months on end. Every 40 minutes - 2 hours you're woken up, and have to stay awake for prolonged periods. When the baby is sleeping during the day, you can't rest yourself because you have to eat, wash and do chores. The lack of sleep and intsensity of care required can severely affect your ability to think clearly and function day to day. This is why we have maternity leave - caring for a newborn (i.e. barely sleeping for months on end) simply isn't compatible with being alert and working during the day. If you already struggle with burnout due to work, I don't think caring for a newborn 50% of the time is advisable.

Thank you, I agree some people have made horrible assumptions.
I have made it to 35 managing it just fine, I have a successful career which affords me the ability the very flexible with my time as well as that I have my own property.

Not at all, I was fighting fire with fire.
I was returning the energy I was getting.....

Thank you, this has been very helpful, I will educate myself on the points you have raised.

I think just the assumption that you should have the baby 50% of the time, that it's your right, and you're mainly concerned with how likely it is you'll be granted this, rather than with the mother and child's wellbeing, showed that your priorities are all wrong. Your question should be "Is it in the child's best interests for me to have 50/50 care of them while they're newborn?" Then, people would have likely been gentler in their explanations.