Having my newborn son half of the week.

[QuirkyRoseFox]

Hi all,

My ex-partner is pregnant with our child, we broke up due to her inability to accept my autism diagnosis is a disability and her constant attempts to dismiss my daily lived experience with it....it lead to immense frustration and caused me a great deal of upset.

How likely do you think I would fair in a court situation in terms of getting an agreement in place to have him half the week? She has already stated she will not be breast feeding him so I don't think there's a need for him to stay with her all the time.

I'm looking to arm myself with the relevant facts and get things in place incase that conversation does not go as plans and she objects to the idea, he is my son too and I will want quality time with him and to form that bond.

He'll have a very strong bond with his mother. You can't rip them apart from each other as soon as he arrives. She will be affected also.

Overnight - no.
Babies need to sleep in familiar surroundings and have a routine (although it will be random and hit and miss at first).
You need to aim for spending time with the baby in the daytime - if that's just a walk around the block in the pram in the first few weeks then accept that.
After a few months you could take baby out for longer to things like Rhyme Time at a local library.
Then a few months after that baby could spend the daytime at your place but would go home for bedtime.

Are you sure her refusal to accept your autism is the cause of your separation? Maybe it's because she refuses to have your autism rule her life. You sound very inflexible.

Absolutely no chance. Being separated from its biological mother is traumatic for a newborn and is the reason that even adoptees who are adopted right from birth should be parented in a trauma-informed way and why generally adoption is a last resort (where staying with the bio mother would be worse then the trauma of separation).

You mention surrogacy for gay men but that is indeed controversial for the reasons mentioned above. A lot of people do not agree with creating a baby that we aim to separate from its biological mother.

The newborn will know only it's mother and see them as the same people for some time. Your statement that equal time with mother and father (as a newborn) is good for the baby is completely baseless and factually incorrect.

If you want what is best for the baby and to be a good father then you need to be visiting and building a relationship. But that baby needs to be with it's mother. If you want a healthy, securely attached child that feels safe with the both of you one day then I'd strongly advise you to put aside whatever has happened between the two of you and support them both to make that happen.

Yes. You should expect regular but small.amounts of contact, building up over the course of 2 years as has been stated.

No chance of joint custody of a newborn.

So if you are apparently too disabled to cope with work related burnout when you don't have a child, how on earth do you think you will manage sole care of a newborn on top?

No chance at all. Babies need a primary consistent caregiver.

I can’t remember where I read it but they said something about surrogacy violating human dignity, it was a week or ago.

i am glad you were able to hear what I said. It wasn’t actually that different to others, I just tried to assume you mean well.

borderline domestic abuse is very vague. Obviously, if your relationship with your ex has broken down massively, you may not have the same options in terms of building a relationship with the baby in her home. In which case it would be important to seek legal advice re options for contact. It’s still never going to be 50/50mfrom the start - that’s not appropriate or in the best interest of the baby - but you can figure out a solution.

how4ver, I would suggest you take a very long look at behaviours. If things have gone wrong due to your autism, I am sympathetic. But what does that mean for your actions and behaviour? Because poor behaviour, even if as a result of a disability or mental health condition is not ok and is likely to reduce the strength of your argument when seeking more time with the baby.

That is a disgusting accusation to make.

Absolutely zero chance. Standard for a small baby is short visits in presence of mum. I'd be shocked if you got even a single overnight before a year old. You turn up to court wanting to seperate baby from mum 50/50 you may even get less contact because of how unreasonable you are being and mum would have a good arguement that you are not capable of putting babies needs first by asking for it.

As you're said you're disabled. It may well be that your diagnosis is why you can't understand that what you're asking for is unreasonable. There is an arguement about how you would fair looking after a baby. They scream very loud. A lot. You state you struggle day to day, autism usually having issues regarding being overwhelmed by touch and sound. Would you really be OK having something screaming at you all day and night refusing to be put down? No respite, little sleep. A being thats needs need to be put first.

Its sometimes called the fourth trimester, the newborn stage. I think it would be unhealthy to remove a baby at this point. You need to start small. Regular 15 minute visits multiple times a day and build up from there.

She may well start breastfeeding when the baby arrives, lots of women change their minds

NO

Don't be selfish ! and treat a new born baby as a possession !!!

this is not a car or a book or a sandwich you are wanting this is a living live baby !!! not something to be torn in two !

it;s not all about YOU !!!

I don't see why a father can't have 50:50 of a new born, some mothers go back to work quickly and some dad's stay home with the baby. Just because the mother being the main carer is the norm I don't think it's essential, looking after a baby is pretty straightforward really (if you don't mind being up half the night and have the patience of Job), a lot easier than a 2 or 3 year old. Mums and Dads living together often share the care a lot, the Mum doesn't look after the baby 24/7. MNers would complain bitterly if the dad didn't do his share.

You don't take a newborn away from its mother for half a week OP. You've got absolutely no chance. You're better off trying to figure out how to co parent in an amicable way than at each others throats.

Work on small amounts of contact often. If this is her first baby she has no idea how exhausting it is (neither do you with your experience of looking after your nieces) Offer to visit daily and hold baby while she showers and naps. Try and build a relationship with her- you've got 18 years of conflict ahead otherwise. Remember you have responsibilities towards your baby rather than rights. Offer maintenance from birth. Remember it's about the baby, not you or her. 50/50 isn't a never situation but it's definitely not on the cards for a very long time

You’ve had quite a hard time here. It’s your first baby and you have no idea so I don’t think it was ridiculous to ask.

I’m in agreement with everyone else. A newborn needs consistency, ideally with their mother. They aren’t a thing to be passed to and fro.

However, if she has truly been abusive to you, have you spoken to the police or a solicitor? Do you think she is a risk to the child?

Caring for your own newborn round the clock is a massive risk for autistic burnout. Hypothetically, if you were to have the child for days at a time, what in the way of support do you have? Kindly, looking after your own newborn is not at all similar to looking after a baby niece or nephew and you would be foolish to base your experience on that.

You are just looking for an argument.

Agree with this. My cousin needed to be cared for by her father at a few months old as he was made redundant and her mother was more easily able to find a job. Only working hours though so she had her mother at night. Sometimes circumstances mean a child's primary caregiver is not their mother, but the choice should be made putting the child's needs first.

You’re wrong.

Swapping primary carer half weekly is going to upset the baby and their bond with their mother. Very different from a couple sharing care with mum never very far away.

And please be sensitive to the needs of the new mum too. She will be in some physical distress from the pregnancy and birth. You can’t assume it will be ok to visit whenever you want, or for as long as you want.

It may be helpful for you to watch the baby while she showers, or take the baby for a walk. She may need to watch you for a while before she trusts you- it’s a visceral thing, the protectiveness of your baby having literally organised your life around him for the previous 9months.

On this page there is a section which says "Arrangements for very young children":
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/child-contact-arrangements/

Your ex-partner is the mother and she doesn't actually have to allow you to see the child at all, if she doesn't want to, until you get a court order, which take a really long time. So it's in your (in fact, everyone's) best interests for you to do your absolute best to keep your relationship with her as respectful and positive as possible. After giving birth she will be vulnerable; she will be physically recovering from the birth, looking after a newborn, so she will be hormonal and sleep deprived. If she is going to allow you to spend time with her and the baby you will need to be a positive or at least a neutral presence, not a threat. If she offers anything accept it gratefully. Do not even discuss having the baby without her being there until at least one month after the baby is born, and only if you have been visiting them regularly (with her permission of course) and it's gone ok. If you find that she is not allowing you to see the baby at all then the next step would be to suggest mediation but I don't think you should do that immediately, give her time.

As everyone has said, this is not about your rights, it's about the baby's needs, and the baby needs its mother in the newborn phase. Its father, not so much. That's the biological reality of pregnancy, childbirth and baby-rearing. We can theoretically have gender equality in everything else, but not that.

Sounds just like my nasty ex too. Even down to the bit where he claimed I was domestically abusing him. To him that basically meant me not agreeing with his (very bizarre and selfish) views all the time. He didn't bother with our children when we were married, stayed in bed on Christmas morning, ignored them, didn't work at all but found his "hobbies" far more interesting than his wife or family...

Then, would you believe, when I finally found the strength to leave(he did nothing, and I mean nothing with our children or to support me - I was once told by him to "get to a&e if your headache is that bad", just because I'd asked him to watch his own children for an hour while I had a lie down.... he decided he wanted to be super dad... He "has rights" and demands to have the children when he wants. May as well stamp his foot like a toddler when he speaks and his tone mirrors the op here so much. Me me me.

My boys are now 11 and 9 and hate going for weekends with their dad. Hate it and beg me not to make them go. We are still being dragged through court by their dad because he's such an arrogant selfish tw@t and is so entitled that everything, everything is about him. As soon as they are older enough... Please God let this day come soon before their childhood is over.... They will choose never to see him again. He's a horrible,vile man who abused me in every way a man can abuse a woman. And I mean every way. All of it. And it all stemmed from an attitude such as this.

OP will not listen to the unanimous advice on here to put his child first, he just won't. I feel physically sick when I think of what the poor mother and baby will suffer at his entitled hands in the years to come.

Eurgh, revolting specimen. Crawl back under your rock.

And the autism thing? Yes my ex had autism too although even now both our sons are on the ASD pathway to diagnosis, adamantly refuses to accept this. I am on the spectrum too but guess what, it's not a passport to behave like an entitled tosser.

Read the responses on here. Man up and get a grip.

Yes, that's fine. Baby will not be affected by that.

Fortunately no court would give you 50/50 access to a newborn.