Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

[cassielb]

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice.

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years.

Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room.

She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little).

Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip.

I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated

P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully!

Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her.

I need help

@StaunchMomma if you think removing something from one room to another is punishing then we have different ideas of punishing. If your child destroyed their younger siblings new toys would you allow them to go out to soft play that soft day with their nana? That's not punishment that's consequences of actions.

Congratulations on being able to get tested asap, your child may of had more severe signs that allowed this. Unfortunately this is not the same in my situation and our referrals have no been accepted multiple times. No need for the sarcasm and angst, we are all parents wanting to better ourselves

New paragraph. I woke her up, as I'm it's morning we've got to get up. I would never wake a peaceful child from their sleep ha ha

This happened last week

If it's at bedtime (and she may be bored/not sleepy) it sounds like a sensory thing for her to help herself wind down. It also sounds from your description @cassielb that it's not like she is creating works of art that she's proud of because you use the words 'smearing and scribbling'. So it's not a controlled way of achieving artistic interpretation but more a way of her processing her feelings/thoughts of the day IMO.

Do you do a sensory led wind down before bed as part of her routine? Maybe a look into therapeutic art?

(And just a point to those that allow free expression on anything/everything, from walls to other people's belongings in the home, all fine until they then feel they can do that in other settings like school. Children need guidance from the adults around them on what is/isn't ok when it impacts others.

Also the 'All behaviour is communication' - yes it is but that doesn't mean anyone can continue to behave whatever way they need when it affects others. Adults need to try and understand what the person is communicating and guide to a more appropriate action that fulfils that need.)

@softslicedwhite thanks for the kind response. I also thought this and it resonated with me and it has been mentioned to our HV and counsellor.

We paid for an assessment. Our child has ASD but is very high functioning - as you said, smart, well behaved etc. His compulsions have been things like hand washing and having to off-load every single detail of every conversation he's had that day. He can't help it. It sounds like your DD can't, either.

Assessors don't expect children to display 'typical' signs for assessment. They understand the nuances of all ND conditions.

You stated that you stopped DD from seeing her Nan and going to holiday clubs - these aren't small punishments, OP. And you will feel bad for them if it does turn out she cannot help it.

Stop being defensive and switch to help mode, for her sake.

Thank you for the kind response. Your response made so much sense with me and is exactly what I have been trying to say.

I could work on a more calming bedtime routine. It does get crazy rushed around that time so this is something I will work on.
Thank you

@StaunchMomma I'm taking help from many people on this thread but you're know it all and comparison does not help.

With a newborn and and being on maternity leave I cannot simply pay for an Assesment. There are other steps to take before I get to this stage.

Yes she ruined her infant sisters new toys on the Friday. Was meant to stay at her nanas on Saturday and goto soft play. She did not go. That's abusive punishment to you?

No they don't. 25 years of working with children and I've known a handful who have.

You need to try and get to the bottom of why OP. She can obviously control it hence why she only chooses her stuff and her walls. But she probably needs help exploring why she does it when she knows it not ok.

Sorry OP - I think I’m turning into my Mum!

@itsgettingweird thank you! It is not normal behaviour. She started doing this around the age of 5 in reception and I wasn't bothered the older she has got we said this is wrong and now we're at the stage since she turned 7 where we are saying no this needs to stop.

This is what I am hoping to do before we go straight to scaring her with adhd and asd testing especially since her hv counsellor and gp believe she shows no signs.

I want her to be able to tell me the why so maybe I can find a way to help. We've set up weekly counselling appointments they make it really fun and no scary like a doctors appointment. So maybe this next step will help us form a better idea

What is she drawing? Is there any helpful information there?

It's ok to wait for NHS OP, as there is so much you can put in place while awaiting assessment. You can do lots of reading, I'd recommend looking up sensory processing disorder, and there are some great female autistic advocates on TikTok and Instagram that post incredibly useful stuff. You can work out why she does what she does. You can help direct her compulsive behaviour elsewhere. You can provide sensory equipment for her to regulate at home.

So don't feel bad about not being able to afford an assessment, we couldn't either.

She just scribbles in her room but in her playroom when we draw and stuff she writes books with beautiful drawings.

@softslicedwhite thank you! I will look this up, educating myself while I can and in the meantime we are continuing with fun counselling

Sounds very constructive.

There'll be a reason she does it but be prepared for her not even knowing herself and it needing to be explored deeply. If she knew she'd be able to stop as she's obviously apologetic as well as controlled in some ways about how and when and where.

Worthwhile in the meantime having a look at sensory activities. She may need a higher sensory input and it's to do with seeking thrill and the domanine she gets from doing something she shouldn't at the time.

Do you have a garden and if so could you get a swing/ trampoline for it?

X posts re sensory.

But it seems a lot of us think it's a possibility!

You say the behaviour (stealing etc) has been over the last 1-2 years - I am wondering how old your youngest is and whether this started when you were pregnant/had the baby? Ie could the fact that DD doesn’t have your undivided attention may be at the heart of this? It may be they’ve not adjusted well and need some 1-2-1 time on a regular basis with each parent to reassure them of their place in your regard, but perhaps talking to your HV might help? Adjustment of older siblings is in their remit.

Also, if there is an outside chance of ND, then this can go unnoticed in an only-child set up - the world revolves around your understanding of their individual needs, so there is little conflict and they ‘cope’. ‘Symptoms’ or negative behaviours can emerge when the security of their world is upended and they experience change which could be why she is only acting out now?

Neither of my kids showed signs of ASD or ADHD until later on (move to new schools, a bully at school, puberty etc) so you might want to get that assessment if you can. This may also explain why school is not an issue - the structure, discipline and the fact that all the children have equal status (ie no dislodging of first born) may provide a safe space that home doesn’t - because it’s changing, not because you and you DH are doing anything wrong. :)

@BusyMummy001 yeah so the taking things was before baby was born and was stopped quickly, haven't had any issues with that for months.

I did think this but she has been drawing on things etc since she was 5. She was younger so we were not as bothered now she is getting older we are like no this is wrong and we have to stop.

We have days out with just me and her once a week. I am honestly with her most of the time when baby naps with dad I take her to her after school activities. I don't think it is that as she is absolutely besotted with her sister to the point where she asks me to bring her sister out with us more.

Thank you for the response. We are definitely looking into this but with our referrals not 'qualifying' is had been difficult until we can do private testing we have a fun kids counsellor a few times a month and always have mental health check ins at home

Is it a relaxation thing? Like skin picking or nail biting? Maybe try asking her if it is and trying other things to do when she has those sort of urges. Just a thought.

I did very similar as a child ,I cut a huge hole in a new leather sofa
I snipped holes in curtains..my son carved stuff on to the side of his bed ,my other son would draw on walls ..we are all diagnosed autistic and ADHD .
I was as good as gold at school.
But still got diagnosed autistic

Same with both of mine who have ADHD. The oldest drew on the wall once. He got a bollocking and didn’t do it again. The youngest didn’t even try it.

My youngest with autism,had his room repainted a beautiful green ,with framed large posters he chose
All round the bed he has picked of the paintwork,he says once he started he couldn't stop picking at it .. basically he lays in bed picking at the wall because he can't sleep

All behaviour is communication. You just need to work out what she's communicating here.

Colour-in Cardboard Playhouses | Hobbycraft Something like this could be helpful? Or just a massive cardboard box to doodle on?

Thank you! Seems to be the things great children in children just little blips they can't control

Oh this looks great! Thank you