Partner is clueless with newborn

[JHill123]

My partner and I have our first baby, a beautiful baby boy who is 5 weeks. I do all the night and day care and I don’t resent that at all, I love looking after him. But I’m astonished how utterly useless my partner is with our baby, all I ask is that he takes him while I shower and in that time the baby screams because my partner can’t soothe him. He has no instinct on how to hold him, cant see cues for wind/hunger. He puts his nappy on incorrectly. I asked him to take him out on his pram for a few minutes today and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pram up and asked for help, then he couldn't put baby’s jumper on so asked for help, then baby cried and he panicked, then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂 He’s been so incredibly stressed and tired since baby arrived even though I’m happy to do all the care and I’m sleeping in separate room very jolly on about 3 hours sleep while partner sleeps soundly all night. I’ve been patient, slowly showing and explaining how to change nappy/ hold him etc, but today I’m starting to feel frustrated. Do some men just not have the instinct with babies? Do they improve with time and practice? Do I need to build his confidence? My partner makes my dinner every day and asks how he can help constantly, he is not lazy and he adores us both so perhaps that is enough and I should be grateful for that and accept baby care is solely my job!

I had worked for years in childcare when we had our DS. By contrast, my DH had never held a baby. I told him all the things to absolutely do/do not. The basics to keep baby safe. Beyond that, just keep letting your partner help, leave them for an hour or so regularly to get on with things. He’ll learn.

For us, my partner said the way to help in those early months was by helping me rather than baby (I was exclusively bf, and he cluster fed a lot!). So he cooked and cleaned when home from work. As baby gets a bit older my partner has definitely found it easier.

But yes, he should know how to change a nappy by now. Just let him do lots and he’ll learn. Same with getting baby dressed.

And leave cleaning the cream carpet to him!

Yes I'm sure some women are 'naturally better' than some men. Personally, being pregnant didn't prepare me how to put prams together in any way.

Stop doing everything. He needs to learn. He may not do everything the same way as you. That’s ok.

Society certainly expects women to know more than men when it comes to babies.

You are doing it yourself by saying it just comes more naturally to most women.

No, I said I think it comes more naturally to women than men. Not that they know everything about babies.
Obviously you think men and women are exactly the same when it comes to parenting small children so we will have to agree to disagree.

If you are doing all the day and the night care when does he have chance to learn (and practice) how to put the pram up etc?

Many women think it comes easier to women. I think this is a myth. You only have to read Mn where women complain that the father doesn’t do his share with their children or home but the woman assumes that she knows better and doesn’t let the father do things his way (which may be better).
DH was way better than me when DT’s were young. He’s much more practical and gets things done quicker.

Personally I don't think it's a myth at all. Obviously there are exceptions where the man is naturally better than the woman with children and certain things like nappy changing, burping babies etc make no difference what gender you are but in my opinion, women are still more natural caregivers when it comes to things like comforting children than men.
We carry them in our bodies for nine months, our hormones change in preparation and we can keep them fed solely with our bodies for a year + if we choose. We are literally designed to care for them when they are little.
Sometimes on MN it seems as though it's an awful thing to say if you dare suggest there are differences between men and women and their ability or way they raise children.

I think it’s really sad if a father can’t care and comfort their child as well as the mother. Probably because the father doesn’t spend enough time with their children.

Do you not think the problem is though that you do ALL the care and therefore your partner isn't learning how to care for your son. He needs more responsibility with the baby and time to learn babies needs and cues . You need to stop doing everything and let dad learn himself

Who said they can't care or comfort their child? I said I just said I think it comes more naturally to a woman.

Society expects women to be more nurturing. Is it biological or is it societal influence? Boys and girls are often parented differently, girls are usually given dolls from a very young age and are encouraged to be caring and nurturing.

Studies show that men produce hormones if they care for and nurture babies too. They just aren’t encouraged to or expected to the way that women are.

I suspect there is definitely an element of both those things. Men not getting as much leave as women after births, women not thinking men are capable of caring for the babies properly so not allowing them to do more (as some pps have suggested is the issue for this OP) and societal norms that women should be the main carers.

According to what I have read, Oxytocin is released in men when they are playing with their child and women's more when they are comforting their child.

Men can be just as good or better parents than women but I still believe that in most cases, it comes more naturally to women and the way our bodies change when we have them backs this up.
When mine was little my husband used to get very frustrated because if we were together and the baby was upset the baby would only ever want to go to me. If I wasn't there he could comfort him fine! Nearly all parents I have known have had the same issue. And I know for sure it's not because all those Dad's are shit and don't spend enough time with their children.....

Is it because it comes more naturally or because mothers tend to be the primary caregiver so will know how to soothe their baby faster because they spend more time with them?

I’m not the primary caregiver and my DC are equally comforted by both parents.

If a woman is working full time and the husband at home caring for the baby full time then the situation might be a bit different but that still doesn't mean its come as naturally to the man as it would the woman.
As I said before, our bodies are literally designed for the care and nurturing of small children. Does that mean a man can't comfort a child in different ways? No. But to me it means that in general, the care and patience that it takes to look after small children comes more naturally.

I think it’s based on the individual rather than if they are the mother or father. It doesn’t come naturally to plenty of mothers and it can come naturally to plenty of fathers.

Expectations are just different.

The vast majority of midwives, childcare providers, baby class teachers, single parents with their children living with them etc etc are women. I don't believe this is solely down to pressure from society.
So I still stand by my opinion.
We will have to agree to disagree!

I think that’s largely because of societal pressure.

Men interested in working with children are met with suspicion and their masculinity is questioned. No wonder it’s mostly women.

My DC’s nursery keyworker is male and he’s wonderful.

So you are saying that there are no natural differences at all in the way men and women care for children?

Men can be so overwhelmed with newborns, nature made it that we the baby bonds with the mother, as they start lifting their own head and smiling they become less fragile, so he took the baby for a walk and pushed the pram on the cream carpet, believe me with a new born you'll be hard pushed keeping it clean, talk to him show him, I hate words like useless as it feeds into how he probably feels. You chose him fell pregnant and had a baby together, huge decisions, like some one said theirs no manual, but there's encouragement and persuasion, show him how to bath the baby then ask him to join in. Good luck

You’re generalising - DH wasn’t in any way overwhelmed when we had DT’s. He didn’t need me to show him anything - we were both new parents and jointly worked things out together.

Well your very lucky, not all DH take to it like ducks to water, maybe send a private message offer his unique services, I don't see its helpful telling people "kick him out" WHY did you have a baby with him?? Ect

For new parents - it’s no different for the mother or father. Neither have more superior parenting skills than the other.

I agree.

Both parents have to learn.

How do you explain breastfeeding then?