Partner is clueless with newborn

[JHill123]

My partner and I have our first baby, a beautiful baby boy who is 5 weeks. I do all the night and day care and I don’t resent that at all, I love looking after him. But I’m astonished how utterly useless my partner is with our baby, all I ask is that he takes him while I shower and in that time the baby screams because my partner can’t soothe him. He has no instinct on how to hold him, cant see cues for wind/hunger. He puts his nappy on incorrectly. I asked him to take him out on his pram for a few minutes today and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pram up and asked for help, then he couldn't put baby’s jumper on so asked for help, then baby cried and he panicked, then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂 He’s been so incredibly stressed and tired since baby arrived even though I’m happy to do all the care and I’m sleeping in separate room very jolly on about 3 hours sleep while partner sleeps soundly all night. I’ve been patient, slowly showing and explaining how to change nappy/ hold him etc, but today I’m starting to feel frustrated. Do some men just not have the instinct with babies? Do they improve with time and practice? Do I need to build his confidence? My partner makes my dinner every day and asks how he can help constantly, he is not lazy and he adores us both so perhaps that is enough and I should be grateful for that and accept baby care is solely my job!

He is being deliberately incompetent.
FFS stop facilitating it.
Men are brain surgeons, lawyers, astronauts. It’s basic, fundamental level misogyny to not be capable of looking after a baby.
FFS this makes me so mad.
It’s not rocket science. It’s literally fucking easy. But, it’s women’s work. So you do it.
Stop making allowances for this stupidity!!!!!

He won’t learn unless you leave him to it on a regular basis. You may be happy to do it all, but you are robbing your DH and baby of the bond they could have.

Is it about instinct, or is it that you as the person who seems to have the baby almost all the time are naturally going to pick up on these things quicker than him as a result? (Or perhaps just have more experience with babies anyway.)

You can't leave him to barely get involved and then act surprised if he doesn't know what he's doing when he does.

No, loving you both is not fucking enough. Neither is asking if he can “help”.

Would your baby survive on just your love or does he require being fed, cleaned, clothed, settled to sleep and cuddled?

None of this is remotely funny. He’s being absolutely pathetic. Put a stop to it now or I promise you’ll grow to hate him.

Agreed. He doesn't need to be gently shown what to do he needs a baptism of fire where he's solely responsible for baby with no one there to step in. It's how we all learn.

He’s doing a Le Mesurier . He’s probably more than capable but is playing at being stupid so he doesn’t get asked again .

This. Ask him how he would work out how to change a tyre or fix a leaky tap if he didn't know how.

There might be some particular tricks with your baby that you can show him but everything else he can learn from YouTube and practice.

But you may need to let/get him to do more care so that he can practice and get more confident.

Your baby is only 5 weeks old, I'm sorry but I think you're being a bit harsh on him & need to support your partner more.
Not everyone is comfortable or finds looking after a newborn immediately easy and learns first time.
Encouragement and support is needed now more than anything to get you through the next few tough months together, as there are lots of ups & downs.
Congratulations also on your little one 💐

Strategical Incompetence.

Train him.

And then leave him to fend.

He'll learn. 😌

Don't let him ask how he can 'help' either.

Would you say that to a woman?! A 5wo is much bigger than a newborn 🙄

Ask yourself, are you happy to allow a grown man NOT to parent and care for his child? If this isn’t nipped in the bud now he’ll leave you do it all forever - lazy sod that he is. I can’t believe anyone would be sleeping all night while their partner gets by on 3 hours sleep, that’s selfish and you’ve allowed this for 5 weeks?

As for bringing a muddy pram across the carpet he’d have been on his hands and knees cleaning it up. Slow hand clap for him for making you a meal….

Why do women put up with this shit and have the “poor men can’t do anything” mindset. It’s mind blowing.

Leave him to it. Let him figure the pram out. Presumably he learned to drive? Operate a washing machine? Use a laptop? He can work out how to operate a pram, or put on clothes on a small baby. Disappear and let him figure it out. And get him to clean the cream carpet along the way.
Let me put it this way- we are NOT born encoded with information that teaches us how to put on a nappy or a vest or place a baby in a pram. We learn. He'll learn too.
Also we get stressed about babies crying- he has to figure out how to soothe the baby- that's his job as a dad. And the sooner he puts in some real effort into learning how to do this, the better a dad he is.

And no adoring your wife and baby, and making dinner is the barest of the very bare minimum.
As someone said ask him how he learned to do other things- and to apply the same method to this. The reason he can't be bothered to learn is because you are constantly there as a fall back.

If you're doing everything, how on earth is your partner supposed to learn? I think you are in danger of being a martyr here. This is new to both of you. Let him do stuff and then he'll learn. Stop being so critical.

🙄 men are generally more heavy handed and have less to do with babies because of work/ maternity leave etc.

Some grumpy ass women on here.

This. By always being the default parent you’ve made him redundant and he’ll never do it as well as you so why try?

When our first was born we learned together. He was just as competent as me so all this ‘women are the natural carer’ is bollocks. He has been a brilliant hands on dad with lovely individual relationships with each of our kids. They go to him as much as me (and often more so).

Teamwork. If you want him to be a good dad, back right off and just leave him to do it.

If he’s only taking the baby while you shower then that’s what, 30 minutes a day max? In a week he’s only for the baby 3 or 4 hours, no wonder he doesn’t know what he’s doing he’s not getting any time to actually practise and build his confidence. If every time he can’t put a jumper or a nappy on he asks for help and you take over of course he won’t learn how to do it. I can understand not being able to put up the pram as they are almost always overly complicated but if a man can dress himself he can dress a baby. Stop coming to his rescue and push him to spend more time with his son and learn how to do things himself.

It's a fact of life OP that women, on the whole, are more naturally inclined to deal with babies and infants, and men come into their own as fathers as the child grows older. That's evolution for you.

People can cry "weaponised incompetence" all they like, but it's a fact.

Now, this isn't to say that your husband won't get into the swing of things and find his feet. And it's also not to say that you should stand for any old fashioned notions that you deal with the children 24/7 and husband never even has to change a nappy.

But... you are only 5 weeks in. Also, baby will naturally be with you most of the time which means he isn't spending the same amount of one-to-one time with your baby to learn about them. Things will eventually become second nature to him, but not as quickly as they will for you.

You need to be patient with each other and remember that you are both on the same team. My husband is wonderful with our son (2 and a half), and has been from the start. But he didn't take to things as quickly and instinctively as I did. The first photo of him holding our son is a portrait of awkwardness.

There is no better father to our child and if I'm ever frustrated at things that don't seem to come as naturally to him, things that I think are common sense, I remind myself of all the stupid shit I do in life and how often I'm bungling about clueless and would be utterly, wretchedly lost without his common sense, patience and unquestioning support of me.

@JHill123, I remember having to leave the bathroom when DH was giving DS a bath, I couldn't bear to watch without giving him instructions, but it's important for him to find his own way. Honestly, next time he offers to cook, ask him to mind the baby instead and leave them to it while you go and have a shower or a cup of tea in peace. That's how he'll learn!

Very well put.

I think we probably need to give the man a break here. He is likely nervous and afraid of the tiny little baby he has made. Don't do it all or be the only expert but work together for a bit and show him what works for you so far. he can give it a go and become more confident or decide to try something different. My husband was so good when our baby arrived. I was unwell so he carried baby, baby gear and me up and down the stairs to all of the appointments, cooked, cleaned and looked after me. He gave the baby a pumped bottle so I could sleep and held him through the night as he howled with reflux. He tried to swerve dressing and changing the baby unless he had to but he was nervous of hurting him so I told him to practice and that I wouldn't judge him if he didn't judge me. The same for washing the pump and bottle he wasn't lazy he was just nervous of it all. He is now better at bathing and quicker at dressing our boy than me! I agreed that I would research the toys, equipment and clothes but he does all. of our household admin so it may not be quite equal but it works for us. Work together and see what happens.

Honestly? Not to let him off the hook but babies are just a short season in parenting and it’s a very very long game. In a good partnership there will be phases that he is better suited for than you and vice versa. That said, he will only discover how he parents by being left to it some of the time. As pp, don’t be the expert and let him find his way. It doesn’t have to be the same as yours - not saying you are doing this - but if you are the one that always sets the routine and what to do, he will always be playing catch up.

I was a lone parent for years and I still hate putting bloody prams up.

Surely it takes 2-3 goes to know how to hold a baby properly, how to change a nappy, then identifying hunger, wind cues etc start to develop after a few days, especially hunger due to rooting etc. Yes when you’re knackered the odd nappy will go on backwards, but when you’re sleeping soundly every night you should be at 100% on everything as your well rested.

What would happen if OP used the excuse of not knowing how to change a nappy, or didn’t know the baby was hungry?!