Partner is clueless with newborn

[JHill123]

My partner and I have our first baby, a beautiful baby boy who is 5 weeks. I do all the night and day care and I don’t resent that at all, I love looking after him. But I’m astonished how utterly useless my partner is with our baby, all I ask is that he takes him while I shower and in that time the baby screams because my partner can’t soothe him. He has no instinct on how to hold him, cant see cues for wind/hunger. He puts his nappy on incorrectly. I asked him to take him out on his pram for a few minutes today and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pram up and asked for help, then he couldn't put baby’s jumper on so asked for help, then baby cried and he panicked, then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂 He’s been so incredibly stressed and tired since baby arrived even though I’m happy to do all the care and I’m sleeping in separate room very jolly on about 3 hours sleep while partner sleeps soundly all night. I’ve been patient, slowly showing and explaining how to change nappy/ hold him etc, but today I’m starting to feel frustrated. Do some men just not have the instinct with babies? Do they improve with time and practice? Do I need to build his confidence? My partner makes my dinner every day and asks how he can help constantly, he is not lazy and he adores us both so perhaps that is enough and I should be grateful for that and accept baby care is solely my job!

What would he do if something happened and you weren’t able to care for baby? He would learn that’s what. Let him do stuff, don’t stand over him while he does it, let him find his way and learn. My DH has no choice because when dc1 was born I was under general anaesthetic so he had to put a nappy on and wrestle him into a vest and sleepsuit in a brand new baby and soothe him despite never having held a baby before, he managed.

Is he actively trying to learn and improve, or just shrugging his shoulders and passing baby back to you? Is he taking it in when you show him how to do the nappy or put up the pram, or doing it wrong again the next time?

We're due our first in June and while obviously I don't know what he'll be like in practice (or me for that matter!) DH has been steaming through books, researching online, attended all our antenatal classes and is often asking questions. He's anxious but he's trying to be as prepared as possible.

Just keep on accepting the cooked meals, and make sure you tell him to clean the bathroom, do the laundry and all the rest of the chores that need to be done. He needs to clean that carpet too.

Get as much rest as you can.

It sounds as if he wants to help but is in over his head where the actual baby is concerned.

It's not the end of the world if the baby cries a bit while you're in the shower. Male sure you let him know he shouldn't take it personally if the baby cries when he's parenting. The baby isn't rejecting him.

When you're burping or feeding or changing the baby, talk him through what you're doing.

Ask your HV if there's a baby care class he could go to. He needs to get up to speed with nappy changing or he'll have a lot of stinky laundry to do.

He also needs to figure out the pram.

Do you have a sling for the baby? Show him how to put it on and he could go out for a walk or just hold the baby easily at home.

I think it takes time alone with baby to learn and feel instinct

Agree with those saying he needs to stop asking how he can 'help'.

He's a grownup living in a home of his own. He needs to make a list of what needs to be done, and do it. There are daily chores and weekly chores. With a baby, there's going to be more laundry. He needs to keep a running grocery list and do meal planning too.

None of this is sex related. It's tiresome and tiring to ask you to keep mental track of what needs to be done.

My partner nor noone else couldn't sooth my daughter until she was closer to a year but she had a lot of issues

At 5 weeks I couldn't reliably remember how to take the pram up and down as it stayed up a lot of the time it was only if I was using the car. He will get there give him patience

So theres a few things that may he needs a bit of slack but the nappies and day to day stuff at 5 weeks he should be doing more and doing it correctly without prompting. We did cloth nappies with muslins so folding squares and holding with a nippa. My partner managed that perfectly well without being shown after the first day when we learnt together. Actually that was most of our first 5 weeks my partner had no experience and I had very little recent experience. We learnt together!

He needs to spend more time with the baby and he needs to stop looking at you to jump in and ''save'' him. He needs to learn how to manage alone.

It's perfectly possible for men to be just as good parents as women but women generally spend more time with baby so obviously learn cues etc faster.

Everyone is clueless with a newborn.

I think people are being too harsh assuming that he isn't trying and/or that you're taking over. But the point is you should be working this stuff out together, you shouldn't be doing 99% of the care then getting frustrated when you ask him to do something for 5 minutes and he acts like he's only had 5 minutes' experience with the baby. He has.

Go a bit slowly and get him to take more of a role, he'll get there, you didn't know everything the minute the baby was born either.

Agree with @Yourethebeerthief

Babies are classed as newborn until they are 3 months old. 5 weeks is still very very tiny and fragile.

Tbf if you're doing all the care how do you expect him to learn? He needs to care for the baby too. He needs to build a bond with him.

It's understandable that as a first time dad he's unsure. Especially if he's not been around children. Cut him some slack. It's not automatic. Don't do everything for him.

Let him spend time with the baby. He'll soon get the hang of it.

It's a fact of life OP that women, on the whole, are more naturally inclined to deal with babies and infants, and men come into their own as fathers as the child grows older. That's evolution for you.

It's not. The theory is that think is probably correct is that the first flush of romantic 'love', which lasts about 2 years, is designed that way to keep dad around for the first year of the kid's life. THAT'S evolution. Humans have helpless infants. Two parents looking after them is a good idea, evolutionarily.

And there is nothing more attractive than the competent, loving, engaged father of a child. DH soothing DD when she was tiny is a memory I hold on to.

If he's left to practice he will improve.

I bought my stress head worry about everything husband this:
https://haynes.com/en-gb/haynes-explains-babies-0

Did the trick!

DH was much better than me with knowing what DT’s needed as tiny babies. It’s nothing to do with gender.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion on here but I do think sometimes gender does come into it.
All parents should be doing at least basic things like changing nappies, getting them dressed, winding them etc but babies and small children do tend to gravitate more to their mums, especially when distressed. It doesn't mean men can't do any or all of the things a mum does but just maybe they aren't quite as natural to it.
I think women have more patience with small children (hence the huge majority of nursery workers, midwives, health visitors are women).

Your baby was part of you for 9 months and understandably being separated from you is extremely alarming. Just as your partner is having to get used to your baby your baby is having to get used to him. The more primary care your partner offers the more they'll both get used to it; it can be disconcerting for some fathers to see and hear how much their child instinctively yearns for its mother over them.

Not true in all cases - men can be perfectly competent caregivers. There are many cases on Mn where the mother is posting that she never gets any time to herself or help - turns out she never lets the father parent so obviously the baby will gravitate towards the mother.

Sounds familiar

🙄

Of course men can be just as competent care givers as women and sometimes they are even better at it but in general I would say most women have a more maternal, nurturing side to them when it comes to small children.

He has to do stuff his way - it might seem incompetent to you, but his parenting is as valid as yours.

Ours used to have a "Daddy Day" every week when he had his day off - I turned a blind eye to what went on. His day; his way.

Are they? Or does maternity leave just mean that women are able to spend more time with their babies so simply get to know them more and know how to respond to them more.

Society also encourages women to be ‘carers’ which is why women are more likely to be nurses, midwives etc not to mention how suspicious some men are looked upon when they work in nurseries.

Societal expectations and tired gender stereotypes play huge parts.

Why should he have any clues?
I'm a 44yo female and chose to remain child free, for many reasons and to be blissfully clueless.
🤨
Best decision ever made, by myself, for myself.
Full stop.

Who cares if women are more programmed/inclined/instinctive?

The fact is that this lazy fucker is snoring all night, failing to put on a nappy correctly and wheeling mud in on the carpets. He's not even trying (and possibly the OP is preventing him from having the chance to find his own way).

Presumably he can't drive without crashing, hold down a job, operate power tools, get himself dressed or go on a night out and find his way home - oh wait, yes, he manages all of that perfectly fine. Fuck me. Raise your standards

Because he’s chosen to become a parent and it’s his responsibility to learn, quickly, how to take care of his infant child. No one is teaching or mentoring OP.

It’s never been easier in human history for someone to research anything including plenty around baby care. You’re on a site originally created for parents, he could start here and had plenty of time to think about this stuff before the baby arrived.