Partner is clueless with newborn

[JHill123]

My partner and I have our first baby, a beautiful baby boy who is 5 weeks. I do all the night and day care and I don’t resent that at all, I love looking after him. But I’m astonished how utterly useless my partner is with our baby, all I ask is that he takes him while I shower and in that time the baby screams because my partner can’t soothe him. He has no instinct on how to hold him, cant see cues for wind/hunger. He puts his nappy on incorrectly. I asked him to take him out on his pram for a few minutes today and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pram up and asked for help, then he couldn't put baby’s jumper on so asked for help, then baby cried and he panicked, then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂 He’s been so incredibly stressed and tired since baby arrived even though I’m happy to do all the care and I’m sleeping in separate room very jolly on about 3 hours sleep while partner sleeps soundly all night. I’ve been patient, slowly showing and explaining how to change nappy/ hold him etc, but today I’m starting to feel frustrated. Do some men just not have the instinct with babies? Do they improve with time and practice? Do I need to build his confidence? My partner makes my dinner every day and asks how he can help constantly, he is not lazy and he adores us both so perhaps that is enough and I should be grateful for that and accept baby care is solely my job!

Yes, in general I believe women are naturally better with small children. Women (in most cases) carry the baby for nine months in their bodies which causes big changes in hormones. All that happens for a reason, not just because of 'tired gender stereotypes'.
I don't think men are incapable of being great caregivers at all, just that maybe it takes them a bit longer to adjust and they do it in a different way (and need to be allowed to do it in their own way as others have said).

Agree with PP, don't be the expert.

I was equally clueless on day 1, but I learned because she was my baby. DH actually took to it all more naturally than I did.

You are of course doing more of the caring ATM as you're on maternity leave, but while he's not at work he needs to be doing at least half of everything that isn't breastfeeding. I don't think I changed a single nappy across two DC when DH was available, that was his job.

You being the expert parent A and him being hopeless parent B is bad for all three of you. He needs to be changing nappies and walking the floors with the crying baby, that's how he builds a bond and becomes an equal parent. It will benefit all three of you if he does that.

If nursery workers were paid what they deserve to be paid in recognition of their skills, knowledge and patience, then a bet there would suddenly be looooaaads more male nursery workers.

@Bumble6 men's brains change too. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4144350/

But if women do all the caregiving, that neural plasticity is less likely to occur. Accounting for the 'shit at birth, shit at 18' fathers I see everywhere.

I didn't say men don't change when they have babies though... I said women go through huge changes to their bodies when they have babies because they usually carry them for nine months, it's all designed to protect and keep that baby alive, hence why I think women are naturally quicker to learn how to comfort babies etc quicker than men.
I'm not saying a woman should be doing everything with a baby, just that there is a reason that most women find it comes more naturally to them.

You have accidentally stumbled into the wrong board. This is a thread in the "Parenting" board. OP is a mother and her partner is a father. Your being childless and your opinions on being clueless with children are not really helpful to the OP.

I think if men spent more time with their new babies such as paternity leave was more than 2 weeks and women weren't seen as the automatic default parent who magically know everything from day dot then it would be a completely different story.

Women are also expected to just get on with it whereas many people make excuses for men such as it takes time, he'll enjoy it more when baby is older etc.

I didn't much like the newborn stage but society didn't make excuses for me because I don't have a penis and I was expected to know what I was doing.

So you’re ’happy to do it all’ but already starting to get bothered by it a 5 weeks? Imagine how you will be at 5 months or 5 years and probably with another baby. Get him to step up now op. Do it for your future relationship.

Gawd, people are always ready to bawl a man out on here.

Yes, it needs to change but I'm not sure I'd jump straight to weaponised incompetence.

The arrival of a baby can cause depression, anxiety - basically terror because you have a picture of how it will be then everything is 100x harder than you think. And men being socialised not to show weakness, often just bottle it up, blank it out and don't admit they need guidance and help. All while screaming inside.

Yes, a woman who has gone through birth is probably having a hard time too, but that makes them feel even worse as they know they should be supportive.

I'd try actually talking to him about how he's feeling, saying he just needs practice with it. Dh read a book called commando dad that was very naff but quite helpful in terms of seeing baby care as tasks to be completed.

a woman who has gone through birth is probably having a hard time too

Oh my goodness, the pandering that happens on here. 'Too'? As though the man is the most impacted and the woman probably is 'too'. Blimey.

If he doesn't know what he's doing he needs more practice. Don't berate him. Teach him and hopefully soon he will be competent too.

Yes, help him.

Men are very capable of parenting and caring for their children. They’re not stupid beings, some just choose to present that way, like some women do. I don’t see grumpy women on here, I see women who see parenting and caring for a child as a joint effort, a child has two parents who should be equally capable of changing a nappy for goodness sake.

@NoCloudsAllowed

Yes, a woman who has gone through birth is probably having a hard time too, but that makes them feel even worse as they know they should be supportive.

Luckily there's a simple solution to feeling bad about knowing you should be supportive.

It's called... being supportive.

Maybe they should try that?

I do all the night and day care

Well, it's hardly surprising he doesn't know how to do anything, is it ?

I was fairly clueless when we had dc1, as was dh. But, as we are both parents to our dc, then we muddled through and worked things out together.
I still wouldn't have had a clue at 5 weeks, if dh had looked after the baby for 23 hours + of every day, and I hadn't had a chance to work things out / practice and begin to relax, either.

Are you honestly actually letting him have control of being a parent (as opposed to babysitting) other than when you're in the shower? If not, there's your answer.

Reminds me of this drawing

"The arrival of a baby can cause depression, anxiety - basically terror because you have a picture of how it will be then everything is 100x harder than you think. And men being socialised not to show weakness, often just bottle it up, blank it out and don't admit they need guidance and help. All while screaming inside."

Oh do give over.

Well you were clueless too 5 weeks ago! Don't let him away with it.

Trust me, I did. And lived to regret it.

I walked the bloody floors with a colicky baby, who I was breastfeeding in the night so he never had to do a thing. I wish I had kicked the fucker into touch back then!

Maybe for some it would completely change.
I don't think society expects women to know everything when they have a baby. Isn't that why there are thousands of expectant/new mum classes and even things like mumsnet exist?
As I said, I do however think that (for most) women things come more naturally when it comes to looking after small children than it does men and that it sometimes takes them longer to get their heads around it. It's not an excuse that men shouldn't do their fair share of things or that they can't be good caregivers.

Op, he needs to take on more care and work it out for himself like you did. You say you're happy to do it all. You won't be when you also have to return to work and you're 5 years in.

What do you expect if you do all the care? Everyone has to learn to parent. He needs to do more and you do less. Being critical or saying he’s useless won’t help. Do more together so he learns and gains confidence.

This is so cruel. Shame on you.

@Rosesanddaisies1

Excuse me? It is not cruel at all. Let me remind you of what the poster I was responding to said to the OP.

Why should he have any clues?
I'm a 44yo female and chose to remain child free, for many reasons and to be blissfully clueless.
🤨
Best decision ever made, by myself, for myself.
Full stop

This poster has waded in to spout their opinion on a man struggling to find his bearings with a newborn baby. Complete with 🤨 emoji. The sum of her opinions: well I chose not to have children so that I didn't need to learn how to deal with them. "Best decision ever" "full stop"

This is a cruel and unnecessary post on such a thread. I have no idea what this poster was trying to achieve other than to say "shouldn't have had a baby then, should you?" Utterly pointless and tells the OP what? Well your husband shouldn't need to have a clue what to do, he should be like me and not have any children at all.

Stellar advice.

Oh, and if you think it's cruel because I said that the poster has no children: a) they don't have children, and b) they are clearly happy and proud of that fact.

^^ this
Neither of us knew how to have a baby before having a baby. We both had to learn.

He needs to try harder.

DH couldn't breastfeed for me obvs, but that meant he quickly learnt how to put baby down after dream feeds without waking her.

He is very much involved and does probably a lot more than me now she is a pre schooler, as I'm studying and working more.

IMO, if you let men off with doing less then that's what they learn to do. It's really sad to see threads where men are just being intentionally feckless - weaponised incompetence!