Partner is clueless with newborn

[JHill123]

My partner and I have our first baby, a beautiful baby boy who is 5 weeks. I do all the night and day care and I don’t resent that at all, I love looking after him. But I’m astonished how utterly useless my partner is with our baby, all I ask is that he takes him while I shower and in that time the baby screams because my partner can’t soothe him. He has no instinct on how to hold him, cant see cues for wind/hunger. He puts his nappy on incorrectly. I asked him to take him out on his pram for a few minutes today and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pram up and asked for help, then he couldn't put baby’s jumper on so asked for help, then baby cried and he panicked, then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂 He’s been so incredibly stressed and tired since baby arrived even though I’m happy to do all the care and I’m sleeping in separate room very jolly on about 3 hours sleep while partner sleeps soundly all night. I’ve been patient, slowly showing and explaining how to change nappy/ hold him etc, but today I’m starting to feel frustrated. Do some men just not have the instinct with babies? Do they improve with time and practice? Do I need to build his confidence? My partner makes my dinner every day and asks how he can help constantly, he is not lazy and he adores us both so perhaps that is enough and I should be grateful for that and accept baby care is solely my job!

This is sure to be unpopular and invite comments on how great the poster's partner is, but I do think that females are better programmed for baby care.
That's not to say a partner can't learn, but I think it's instinctive for a woman.
He'll get better in time.

Sounds like he can’t be bothered to learn. Babies are boring and you put a lot more in than you get out so he just doesn’t want to try.

For reference my DH had never even held a baby before we had one, but he did nappies from day one. Yes, he did things backwards, or wrong, but so did I, he just made the effort to learn.

You need to leave him on his own to find his way of doing things. Start going out for an hour or two regularly. DH learnt far quicker this way. Don't prep everything let him figure out what he needs otherwise you do all the mental load shite too

Yep, weaponised incompetence.

Id give him both barrels! You haven’t magically been given a gift of knowing how to do all this stuff. Make him realise he steps up asap. T e not being able to put a nappy on at 5 weeks is ridiculous!

Is he generally incompetent in life?

Don't be the expert.

He sounds anxious and why shouldn't he be, a 5 week old is tiny. I'm sure he will get his confidence soon.

Well if you need to show him, show him. If he’s willing, he will pick it up quickly. As long as you don’t think he’s being lazy or opting out which you don’t. Before I had my children, the one thing I was worried about was changing nappies for some reason! I don’t think everything is ‘instinct.’

The more you do, the more you can do. He just needs to get stuck in. Given you are primary carer, you will naturally be more competent at this stage, it will just take a bit more time for him to get into the swing of things. Support when he asks for help, but encourage him to take the lead and try not to get frustrated when he gets it “wrong”.

Stop doing everything! I came home from hospital with a 2 day old baby and a section wound and dh just had to get on with it and help. 2 years on and dh is as competent a parent as I am. Stop allowing him to do the bare minimum, of baby is crying then it's his problem while you eat / shower / sleep etc

even though I’m happy to do all the care

Don't. He needs to learn and he can only learn by doing. Do less. Leave them home alone. He couldn't get the sweater on - yes it's hard to dress newborns, he will do better next time.

I hope he knows how to clean his mess off the cream carpet

They'll work it out when left to it and they want or have to.

Go out and/or leave him to work it out without an audience, or let him do it even if it takes a bit longer.

Raise the bar for what you expect from him and start now before it becomes the norm. He should be comforting the baby at least one night at the weekend and other nights if he is up often.

How TF does this man get through a day and remain in one piece?

He's incompetent and you're enabling it, I say this kindly

Babies don't come with instructions - you have to work it out - that's how it works

It sounds to me like he isn't trying to learn anything and your being there lets him off the hook

This. My DH is the most competent person I know so I was surprised when he wasn’t sure what to do with the baby, didn’t think to try different methods etc.

I went on a hen do when DD was 3 months old (best friend of 30 years so wasn’t an option to miss it) and yes, it was in at the deep end for him but the difference afterwards was massive.

I think we spend hours upon hours with a new born without realising how much we’ve learned. The more we try and do the lion’s share to help our partners, the worse it gets for them.

Go out, have a break regularly, you’ll notice the difference it makes.

He needs to learn

Not acceptable. Don't accept it.

I think it's ok to need showing (and to be freaked out by the thought of fucking up). But once he's been shown, or told where things are etc, any subsequent failures are probably strategic incompetence.

OP, it's incredible how quickly women become the expert aka default domestic and emotional labourer. Keep challenging it.

"then he returned and wheeled a muddy pram through the house across a cream carpet 😂"

Oh hilarious, what a giggle 🤨.

OP - don't do all the care, it's no joke when you've to go back to work and you get pregnant for the second time. You'll suddenly realise you've completely neglected your marriage and you resent the lazy twat for doing nothing all day and sleeping all night.

Tell him to get his fucking act together and practise dressing/bathing/soothing/winding the baby. You leave the house while he gets used to it because I'd bet my last penny that you run in and take over at the slightest whimper.

Sounds like you have two children, not one.

As much as men do have different/fewer instincts when it comes to nurturing babies, cuddling and trying to soothe a baby isn’t rocket science.

I remember Russell Brand saying in an interview that his wife did all the baby and child care stuff because she was just “better at it”. If you’re not careful you’ll be doing every single bit of the drudge work 24/7 too.

I do think sometimes it also depends on the type of baby you have. When mine was newborn and through his first year he wouldn't settle with anyone except me and no matter what my husband did he just couldn't get anything to work to calm him down for a long period of time. Gradually when my son started to feed less and my husband could interact more with him and actually do things to bond together it got much better.

Exactly!
When we had our baby, we both were clueless (none of us even held a baby before).
We learned everything together. Watched YouTube videos how to change the nappy, put the pram together and practiced until we both got it.

It's not like it's comes easier to mothers. You just know you must do it while your partner doesn't bother as he knows you are there.

This. Why are you doing this all alone while he sleeps soundly? You should be working as a team.

Parenting classes exist, I think they are sometimes run by the National Childbirth Trust.
Some councils do it for free.
I've heard of Sure start too.
I'd get him going to them.

We did some antenatal classes beforehand and the midwife said that there will be a moment where you’re watching your partner do something completely wrong e.g struggling to put on an item of clothing and your instinct will be to say “oh fgs just let me do it!” But she said to really try not to otherwise they’ll a) not learn and b) just not bother next time. Those early weeks should really be 50/50, you’re learning together.