Assault/suspension/trans child

[Stressedgiraffe]

I need some outside views.
My ds was suspended.
These care the facts

Incident 1 - AM T and two of his friends were taking shelter from the rain during morning break.

They were accosted by a large group of year 7 girls who were making derogatory slurs, being intimidating and making threats.

A girl said "Why are you wearing that hat, you freak". T replied, "It's raining".

At this point t took out his phone. The girl then said words along the lines of "why are you taking photos of me T**y" and other threats and slurs

The girl then punched down on to T's collar bone leaving a mark and broken skin while using hate speech term for a protected characteristic Ty

T's responded defensively with a partially closed hand push to the girls lower left jaw.

At this point friends took T to Ace, where he had to wait 10 minutes or more to be seen by a teacher She appeared to be already aware of the incident and sent T to ISR.

There appears to be little attempt to corroborate the incident from T and friends Rather relying on the words of a much larger group who were being intimidating to a marginalised and minority protected characteristic.

Incident 2 - PM
On attempting to leave at the end of the school day , T And friends were accosted again just prior to the school gate. A mixed age group of girls with what appears to be a sixth former participating.

One girl lunged at T pulling his hat and hair. The hat fell into a muddy puddle. This hat is very new and a comfort gift to T from his mother.

As T went to retrieve the hat from the puddle, the girl attempted to grab it as well, this action of her's caused her to hit into T's left hand where he was holding his phone.

The girl then proceeded to shout. "Did you see that SHE hit me" repeatedly.

The group then broke into two, with the Sixth Former and several other following T and his friends making threats and using derogatory hate speech.

His friends took him to where his mother was parked and asked that T get a lift as he was afraid for tanks safety and this group as around 5 meters from hid friends mothers car.

Friend's mother then drove him home.

As you can see from the two incidents, these were NOT initiated by T also there appears to be little in the way of quizzing his friends about their version of events, rather relying on others words.

This is deeply concerning, especially as T is physically small and continues to receive hate speech and intimidation whilst at High School as well as receiving harassment and threats whilst on school grounds.

They are threatening to exclude him. Wtf do we do?

He's a kid wearing a hat and getting his phone out during an attack.

He is being bullied. He is a victim.

My trans partner is perceived as male. He's never been bullied for being trans by strangers.
He doesn't attract attention or stand out.

My ds has been bullied for being black when he stands out around white kids. Is that ok? Should I explain to him it's ok to bully him because he's different?

Are the bullies being sanctioned? I'd want to know what exactly the school were doing to ensure this gang abuse wasn't going to happen again.

Tbh I wouldn't disapprove of my kid retaliating to bullies as I do think it can sometimes stop the bullying but I'd also accept the sanction to my child.

I don’t get these replies??? If a group of teenagers cornered and hit me in the street and I hit one of them back I would still be seen as the victim.

Bullying is a real problem, and I’m a bit sick of it being minimised.

So sorry your son is going through this, I’d be raising this with the school and asking what he should have done when being attacked.

You only need to read this thread to see how that large group of yr7s bullying and abusing another child will grow up to be like

Some appalling posts by appalling people. Blaming a child for getting bullied for being autistic and transgender. Fucking shameful. We can all see it's because the kid is trans. If they weren't the thread would be full of people advising to call the police and insisting on speaking to the headteacher

Give your heads a wobble

Your child is going to attract attention by pretending to be something they are very clearly not, people will comment on that. If you and your child are going down this path then you need to enable them to understand that they will never be perceived as being a boy by others, and that means a difficult life.

This is the harsh reality. DS lives in university halls with a female who is trans and presents as male and has a friend from school (who went very quickly from being the prettiest girl in the year (very feminine, long blonde balayaged hair, make up etc) who everyone wanted to go out with, to presenting as a boy and going through four name changes during school). Neither are fooling anyone. They both look like 13 year old boys.

That is never going to be an easy life. You can't force everyone to behave in the way your child wants them to and the vast majority of people in RL don't think its cool and quirky, or that your child has "changed sex" or was "born into the wrong body", they think it's a mental health issue. Some people will choose to "be kind" and go along with the words your child wants to hear. Many others will very much not. There are a lot of "unkind" people in the world and your child needs to learn how to deal with this without punching people in the face.

A bit left field from where you are coming from but if he is getting bullied and the school are not protecting him or showing any inclination to, maybe exclusion is an interim solution while you sort out a safer environment? Not saying you shouldn’t fight his side, but thinking of practical impacts.

To be honest I wouldn't be any more surprised if the students were using clearly racist or ableist language. Teenagers can be absolutely awful and deliberately choose words that they know will shock and horrify. They will target whatever difference or sensitivity a person has to make their words hurt.

None of it is acceptable, and we know it shouldn't happen. Of course it has to be raised and dealt with.

It's also important to prepare kids for the words that unkind people are going to use against them, so they aren't caught by surprise and devastated when it happens. Because it is going to happen.

You only need to read this thread to see how that large group of yr7s bullying and abusing another child will grow up to be like

That's a massive reach. I was one of the bullied, not the bullies, at school, being small, nerdy and autistic. I sympathise greatly with OP's child. I would still automatically perceive that child as female (for the rather obvious reason that they are!) and would struggle to override that and say 'he'.

Hitting, jeering, surrounding, pushing, taking personal belongings -- these are bullying. Not the automatic use of 'she' and 'girl' for a female child.

Your OP was hard to understand tbh. Also, your child was “punched” but she responded with a “partially closed hand push”. To a year 7. Come on…. They both punched or they both demonstrated a “partially closed hand push.”

Bullying isn’t ok. Obviously. I do struggle with children/teens being forced to pretend that a child is now a boy when they know she isn’t. I have to think hard to remember preferred pronouns for the trans adults I know because, to be frank, it’s clear their gender identity doesn’t relate to their biological sex.

No-one needs to be unkind, no-one should be physically hurting anyone else.

But (and this is not to excuse bullying), children who don’t recognise your child as a boy because she’s a girl are allowed to hold gender critical views. I avoid using any pronouns at all sometimes because it really sits wrongly with me to call a biological male she/her or vice versa.

one other thought after reading your op is that it sounds like being trans is the defining feature for your child. It might be a good idea to encourage them to connect more with academic work, music, hobbies, sport, LIFE! Things which are not to do with bloody boring gender identity! Sorry, but ranty but my god does the gender navel gazing get so dull.

I think the bullying is absolutely not OK. It's clearly a vulnerable child involved and school didn't manage to protect them. And absolutely, trans slurs are never OK.

However there's also a "schrodinger's cat" side to this- you can't argue that your child is a 15 year old boy and also then be so outraged that the school is treating them how a15 year old boy who punched an 11 year old girl should be treated. You've got a circular argument going on there.

The age difference makes their response bad enough, but add in the "boy hitting girl" element and it's far far worse. On that basis the school is not acting totally disproportionately.

You just can't minimise your child's response i.e. "made contact with a partially closed hand" when actually their response was totally unacceptable. If they are going to ID as a boy, they need to know its never OK to hit a girl- a number one golden rule of being even a boy.

That said, it sounds like your child is in need of more support, I hope you manage to get that for them.

The op's child should not have retaliated but your comment is minimising bullying and hate speech. Op's child shouldn't have to tolerate that.

That gang of year 7s sound awful and the school should be dealing with them and not sweeping it under the rug. I agree that you need to contact the school and explain this aspect of it. It could be that the one that got punched is a manipulative one who has played the victim and the school has fallen for it.

As for your child OP no one deserves hate speech. It's fine to be a bit different but have you considered what the endgame is here. From how you have described them it doesn't sound like they will ever pass as a man even with treatment. How well do you think they will cope with this?

I can't take anyone seriously who writes "while using hate speech term for a protected characteristic"

Ok - I would say - everything in writing at this stage. Take it from the top, so they have a written record of your side of things. Be clear on the hate speech and who hit first.

If things continue down the line of ignoring the bullying (do they have a bullying / inclusion policy?) escalate to the governors.

I am the mum of an AuDHD girl and while I have concerns about the number of kids like ours transitioning, I’m so sorry that you are not getting advice on your actual situation.

A year 10 punched a year 7 in the face?

The year 7 shouldn’t have hit first but no year 10 male is ever going to live down hitting a little year 7 female.

Your son will now be flagged as a violent male towards girls. Doesn’t matter his size and if they where that scared they would have ran away not tried to escalate the fight on school grounds.

OP please ignore the comment advising to contact Stonewall, they are not good at interpreting the law already, let alone when being asked about a real life example. Your daughter needs support in a number of ways here and approaching the school is where you need to start. She could well be the victim, it could be six of one half a dozen of another, she could also be the aggressor and this was a culmination. The bottom line is that you need to know the truth so you can best support your daughter and deal with her issues ongoing. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

OP vulnerable or not. The school will expect a y10 to have better control of themselves than a y7 and will come down hard on retaliatory violence from older years to first years.

I think your DS has definitely been consistently harassed and bullied but how would most schools react to a Y10 boy hitting a Y7 girl? Doesn’t matter if he’s 5ft the y7 will still be smaller?

Its clear the school needs to put some measures in place to deal with the bullying, can you ask for staggered leaving times?

have you had a meeting with the head?

Not sure I understand what you have written but if your DS has hit someone of course he should be suspended as should any other child who hit. Did the girl hit as couldn't understand what you had written im afraid. How many children were suspended

It sounds like the school has been doing very poorly by your child who is an a very vulnerable position. It makes no sense that they are not addressing what sounds like nasty bullying, and that they only punish one of two children for hitting, and not the one who started it. I wouldn’t want him to stay there if they wouldn’t recognise and address the bullying. And teachers should understand the vulnerabilities of the young people in their care and not be part of the problem by misgendering him!
And gosh I don’t know why you’re getting flack for giving your child a hat that has a particular meaning for him. He probably needs all the support he can get in his school life right now. I’m sure you haven’t emblazoned ‘comfort hat from mum’ all over it!
Best of luck with helping him through this tough time.

I don’t think there would be a suspension unless there was some observation by adults or other more neutral pupils/CCTV.

In my experience, parents who minimise their child’s behaviour do not help them. If your daughter assaults people, and the assault is prosecuted, then being autistic may be a mitigating factor in reducing any sentence for assault but she will still have a criminal record. Your daughter needs to understand that as she is nearly an adult and she can’t hit children.

I think some posters haven't picked up that the younger children weren't just using the wrong pronouns. They were using a negative word for trans people. It makes it very clear why they were targeting this particular child.

Certainly the year 7's need to be brought in and dealt with. They can't just be allowed to roam around like savages.

I'm not surprised that OP's child got a phone out to start filming. Social Media has given an impression that it's an effective way of responding to negative behaviour. "Film and shame" them. There needs to be some support given around how to respond to those negative situations.

If this day was a one-off, then I'm surprised school went straight to exclusion. Especially if the child is neurodiverse. It doesn't make sense to assume a child with additional needs would instinctively know how to respond in a situation where they were being targeted. I've seen punches thrown for a lot less.

You could ask the school if there is any CCTV. This may be helpful in showing who instigated things and the numbers involved.

I would definitely challenge the exclusion if others have not been excluded and they became physical first. The age difference is irrelevant as long as your child didn't overreact and injure them. No one has to just stand there and get hit just because someone is younger.

You could ask your child's friends to write statements yourself if you are not confident the school has done this and give copies to the head teacher and or governors.

The suspension is unfair if your child's version of events is incorrect. The bigger worry is that the school do not appear to have done anything to ensure your child's safety on their return.

It sounds as if there is out of control behaviour all around and that the school needs to pay much closer attention.

However, the trans part is completely unhelpful.

A year 10 boy of 5ft is going to be far stronger than a year 7 girl of any height.

You know this. You know that your child is actually female, and thus much less strong than a year 10 boy (hence refering to their size and height as mitigation for the fact they punched a younger girl).

You know your child's sex, yet you think it is hate speech for teachers and children to know your child's sex? This is setting a terrible example for your child growing up.

It sounds as if your child has vulnerabilities, as will many of their peers and as PP said puberty is awful for so many girls. It's natural to want to feel more in control when things are tough, but using a trans identity to control the thoughts and speech of others is not going to be a healthy solution long term. It is not genuine empowerment when it requires the subjugation of others.

I would encourage your child to see that they are not the only kid with differences and to find things they have in common with others, beyond identities.

And absolutely ask what the school is doing about aggression and bullying.

Sounds like the school are taking a one-sided view and ignoring the bullying, which is the greater issue here.

Can you get a meeting with the school? If you can, take a copy of their anti-bullying and safeguarding policies with you, and highlight where you feel they have failed to act appropriately in line with policy.

On a tangent, please tell your DS to wall away from further confrontations - he shouldn't be punching anyone, although I appreciate that's tough when someone has punched him first.