Assault/suspension/trans child

[Stressedgiraffe]

I need some outside views.
My ds was suspended.
These care the facts

Incident 1 - AM T and two of his friends were taking shelter from the rain during morning break.

They were accosted by a large group of year 7 girls who were making derogatory slurs, being intimidating and making threats.

A girl said "Why are you wearing that hat, you freak". T replied, "It's raining".

At this point t took out his phone. The girl then said words along the lines of "why are you taking photos of me T**y" and other threats and slurs

The girl then punched down on to T's collar bone leaving a mark and broken skin while using hate speech term for a protected characteristic Ty

T's responded defensively with a partially closed hand push to the girls lower left jaw.

At this point friends took T to Ace, where he had to wait 10 minutes or more to be seen by a teacher She appeared to be already aware of the incident and sent T to ISR.

There appears to be little attempt to corroborate the incident from T and friends Rather relying on the words of a much larger group who were being intimidating to a marginalised and minority protected characteristic.

Incident 2 - PM
On attempting to leave at the end of the school day , T And friends were accosted again just prior to the school gate. A mixed age group of girls with what appears to be a sixth former participating.

One girl lunged at T pulling his hat and hair. The hat fell into a muddy puddle. This hat is very new and a comfort gift to T from his mother.

As T went to retrieve the hat from the puddle, the girl attempted to grab it as well, this action of her's caused her to hit into T's left hand where he was holding his phone.

The girl then proceeded to shout. "Did you see that SHE hit me" repeatedly.

The group then broke into two, with the Sixth Former and several other following T and his friends making threats and using derogatory hate speech.

His friends took him to where his mother was parked and asked that T get a lift as he was afraid for tanks safety and this group as around 5 meters from hid friends mothers car.

Friend's mother then drove him home.

As you can see from the two incidents, these were NOT initiated by T also there appears to be little in the way of quizzing his friends about their version of events, rather relying on others words.

This is deeply concerning, especially as T is physically small and continues to receive hate speech and intimidation whilst at High School as well as receiving harassment and threats whilst on school grounds.

They are threatening to exclude him. Wtf do we do?

What do you mean by misgendering him?
Was he born a girl and you are encouraging him to be a boy? You are the one misgendering her - for god's sake, protect your child from this nonsense.

This response is shocking. Yes the school wouldn't tell you what punishment (if any) has been given to the others but other students always know as it always gets talked about.
Your son should face punishment for retaliating but I would expect what used to be known as a suspension (unless lots of previous).
Regardless, this isn't a safe space for him. Many schools (including my own) allow reasonable adjustments for ND students (and staff), many (most) deal with hate speech bullying from students (and staff) appropriately.
I would raise the issue with the head but also look to move schools.
I wouldn't by happy teaching in a school that was like the one you describe. Sounds awful.

Misgendering. If they are calling your child by the name they want to be called by then that is really enough.

I am genuinely shocked by some of the Those year 7s sound horrible. Write an email of complaint detailing everything. If Head fails to respond appropriately and it continues, email the governors and then ofsted failing that. Schools need alot more poor behaviour from a student before they can even dream of permanently excluding a pupil. The other question is do iou even want your child attending this school?

I completely agree and am surprised that MN have allowed the thread to stand, just awful comments because the child is trans. People really can be nasty bastards - poor kid.

Autistic children at the school I teach at are permitted ‘supported break time’, where they can have quiet time with other children who struggle with social relationships.

You need to speak to the SENDCO about more support for your child, because the behaviour suggests that there isn’t enough being done.

Unfortunately, you will never find out what the sanction for the other child was, because staff aren’t allowed to divulge this info.

I wouldn’t be calling the Police yet because if the school have CCTV of your child hitting another child then it may not go well for them.

Kids shouldn't hit or bully.

But I'm far more concerned that you are setting your daughter up for a life of difficulty by endorsing the lie that she is really a boy. And when she eventually realises that it's not possible to be the other sex and it doesn't solve her other problems, then she is going to ask you why you told her it was.

This

OP. Does your child have an ehcp? It might be an idea to apply for one as surely that would make it v difficult for school to permanently exclude them. Also, is there CCTV coverage of the incidents? Surely school should review that.

• Wow the dismissing of hate speech here is jaw dropping! Someone upthread said dismissively that 'teenagers say horrible things to each other'. Would people respond similarly about using unambiguously racist slurs? Ableist language? Antisemitic language, for example, not a problem coz they're just teenagers??? Ffs

No, I assume it's dismissed here because it's a transphobic term of abuse. To dismiss this abuse is deeply, deeply transphobic.*

Its reality. Teenagers can be horrible. That isn't saying it's right - it's being honest about what happens. Threatening to call the police on a 12-year-old for saying one word is ridiculous. Get the school to deal with it appropriately through education.

I'd say the same regardless of what was said.

What is your main concern op? That your child is may be excluded or that it’s because the others aren’t being punished as well?

I think you are minimising the age difference here tbh. It’s absolutely not ok for a 15 year old to punch a year 7 pupil, and tbh I think a PP raised a good point about it sounding even worse as the 15 wants to identify as a male hitting 11 year old girls.

I am still 5ft in my 30s. Doesn’t mean I can’t throw a hefty punch, so take the height out of it. They were up against a group of 11 year old girls, not grown men.

Unless there’s something you’ve missed out, this sounds like a retaliated punch, not self defence tbh. You don’t mention any attempt that they tried to get away or walk back towards the school to report the issue.

Your child should absolutely be punished. But yes so should the others. I would go back to the school and say the following:

-Explain that your child does not just go round punching people randomly and this was a result of severe bullying.

-Ask the school why the others are not being held accountable and use the discrimination word if you need to.

-Ask the school what your child should do if they are faced with the same situation again.

I’m so sorry OP- I was one of the early responses on your thread and misunderstood your reference to hate speech. I thought misgendering was the sum of it, and that Ty was being used as a name.

It’s clearly a much nastier incident than I realised.

That said, my advice is the same- log it, work on resilience, and raise extensive bullying with the school. School will struggle with younger children bullying older ones, so they may need it pointed out that it’s a gang of littles picking on your child so age isn’t a defence.

Help your child wok on strategies- let them come up with ideas about what they can do and say to help themselves feel a bit safer.

They are taking about permanently excluding as they find it too much to deal with.

Sounds like they're is more going on than this incident then. Or do you think your way of dealing with this is making the school think this is all just too much trouble?

I don't think it's sustainable at any school for you to simultaneously be taking a view that your child is male and must be recognised as male at all times even by other younger children, while also expecting your child to not be treated as male because they are female, tiny and weak. You can't have this both ways.

Your child is going to attract attention by pretending to be something they are very clearly not, people will comment on that. If you and your child are going down this path then you need to enable them to understand that they will never be perceived as being a boy by others, and that means a difficult life. It would be better to accept they are female and get comfortable with gender-non-conformity.

For anyone not aware this is what the police are saying in Scotland about the new 'hate crime' law. Weaponising name calling and wasting police time. It's giving a group of already aggressive and unpleasant males a tool to punish women with.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13246115/Police-chiefs-savage-hate-crime-flaws-officers-warn-new-law-risks-weaponised-damaging-trust-force-making-harder-tackle-crime.html

OP, I agree with the posters above about speaking to the school again and also about using this as a resilience-building exercise with your child.

I think there are some serious issues around the way the school is handling bullying. I would maybe try to escalate this. It’s not a safe environment, I do actually have some sympathy here with your DD, it must be scary to be ganged up on, even if it’s by smaller children but a year 10 hitting a yr7 is not a good look, even if they could probably do with a clip around the ear.

I’m very gender critical but bullying in schools is not acceptable and OP’s DD seems to be a target for harassment if even yr 7’s are having a go.

PP made a really good point about being different, if you choose to be non- conformist is some way in high school the sad fact is there will be consequences, I wish it wasn’t that way and I applaud children who stick their head above the parapet but it’s not an easy path.

Get rid of the hats as well, it’s not helping, I’m pretty soft and am more the person to be bullied than be a bully but even I would roll my eyes at a comfort hat.

School clearly don’t like him for them to think he has started all of this. I wouldn’t bother trying to
get them to understand because they obviously don’t. I would look into moving schools asap so he can get settled before he goes into year 11

What you do is take your child out of school. De educate and home educate for sake of their MH

On the issue of violence;

In general schools punish all students who hit.

Students who hit first and/or are clearly provoking the incident are usually punished more.

The official advice from most schools is that if you are subjected to violence you should try to get away from the person and find a teacher/someone in authority.

Most students are not stupid enough to do this kind of stuff in front of a teacher.

A punch to the face is unlikely to be seen as self defence.

Things that might help your child:

If they are clearly autistic and struggling with friendships etc many schools have a hub or similar they can go to. You may be able to negotiate that them and some of the friends can have access.

Consider changing schools

They may benefit from martial arts or self defence classes where they can learn how to block attacks. In somewhat similar circumstances we started martial arts classes as a whole family.

You’re not doing your child any favours enabling what looks like victimhood. Why did they get their phone out? Why are they wearing a hat? I appreciate you must be navigating a difficult situation but the way you wrote this sounds like you’re reinforcing that your child is destined to be a victim; that every interaction and bad thing that happens to them is because they’re ‘trans’; and that they’re special and rules don’t apply to them. You’d be better off getting/upping their mental support and resilience.

Basically your Y10 child hit a younger child. That’s not good. You’re minimising it. If you believe the school has made a misjudgement about the other child who allegedly hit your child first (I imagine the school doesn’t believe this, hence the lack of punishment) then speak to the school. But if you really want to help, help your daughter develop more resilience and get out of that teen headspace where ‘everybody hates her’, etc. And tell them to leave the hat at home.

What was the “hate speech”? Because if it was using “her/she” towards your child or saying your child is female/a girl then that is protected. You can’t enforce speech in that way.

At the end of the day this is the same as any school fight situation. Your child punched a much younger child. Whether in retaliation or not that is an exclusion/suspension situation and absolutely never ever acceptable.

I would strongly encourage dropping the “comfort hat” type behaviour. Why would you want to draw attention to your child in that way?

I'm sorry you're not getting any support here. The age difference is concerning. However, the mob ganging up on your child is disgusting. Permanent exclusion is very serious and I suggest you try to fight that for the sake of your child's school record. Find a charity that will help you. I would also suggest that you withdraw your child from that school. They are not safe. That has to be your number one priority.

I think you need a meeting with the school asap to discuss your child’s needs.
but fundamentally, your 15 year old punched an 11 year old on the face. Sorry, lucky not to be expelled.

So your 15 year old kid punched an 11 year old in the face?

OK so working this out from your responses, I think you need to by pass the school who seem unequipped for modern times and modern bullying, and approach the school area liaison via the local police. The behaviour your DC is experiencing is a hate crime, and your DC is being deliberately victim shamed because the school clearly have their own agenda and don't want a trans child in school. It's any excuse.

Your child should not have hit their attacker however it should be classed as self defense. To not punish the other child shows deliberate bias and frankly makes it obvious the schools anti trans stance