Assault/suspension/trans child

[Stressedgiraffe]

I need some outside views.
My ds was suspended.
These care the facts

Incident 1 - AM T and two of his friends were taking shelter from the rain during morning break.

They were accosted by a large group of year 7 girls who were making derogatory slurs, being intimidating and making threats.

A girl said "Why are you wearing that hat, you freak". T replied, "It's raining".

At this point t took out his phone. The girl then said words along the lines of "why are you taking photos of me T**y" and other threats and slurs

The girl then punched down on to T's collar bone leaving a mark and broken skin while using hate speech term for a protected characteristic Ty

T's responded defensively with a partially closed hand push to the girls lower left jaw.

At this point friends took T to Ace, where he had to wait 10 minutes or more to be seen by a teacher She appeared to be already aware of the incident and sent T to ISR.

There appears to be little attempt to corroborate the incident from T and friends Rather relying on the words of a much larger group who were being intimidating to a marginalised and minority protected characteristic.

Incident 2 - PM
On attempting to leave at the end of the school day , T And friends were accosted again just prior to the school gate. A mixed age group of girls with what appears to be a sixth former participating.

One girl lunged at T pulling his hat and hair. The hat fell into a muddy puddle. This hat is very new and a comfort gift to T from his mother.

As T went to retrieve the hat from the puddle, the girl attempted to grab it as well, this action of her's caused her to hit into T's left hand where he was holding his phone.

The girl then proceeded to shout. "Did you see that SHE hit me" repeatedly.

The group then broke into two, with the Sixth Former and several other following T and his friends making threats and using derogatory hate speech.

His friends took him to where his mother was parked and asked that T get a lift as he was afraid for tanks safety and this group as around 5 meters from hid friends mothers car.

Friend's mother then drove him home.

As you can see from the two incidents, these were NOT initiated by T also there appears to be little in the way of quizzing his friends about their version of events, rather relying on others words.

This is deeply concerning, especially as T is physically small and continues to receive hate speech and intimidation whilst at High School as well as receiving harassment and threats whilst on school grounds.

They are threatening to exclude him. Wtf do we do?

Maybe that girl shouldn’t go round bullying and punching people if they don’t want to be punched back?

Physical assault by an older child SHOULD trump hurty feelings.

Older child should know when to ignore.

I don't need to have a word with myself. I am an autistic female with two neurological diverse children. Hitting someone is never acceptable.

You're completely twisting my words anyway. I was simply making the point that a very feminine girl transitioned overnight and will never look like a man however much she wants to. At 20 she looks like a 13 year old boy or a girl dressed up as a boy. That will be hard to deal with and this hard path can't be made easier by punching people in the face.

@RedToothBrush how do you actually right "hurty" feelings?! That's disgusting totally minimising the hurt caused.

The op's child shouldn't have hit the other child but let's not minimise what the year 7 did.

Have a word with yourself, you seem to be suggesting that the value of people is more if they're pretty, feminine, have balayage hair etc. what absolute horse shit.

PP didn’t say the pretty girl is more valuable. She pointed out the harsh reality: that changing from one extreme (balayage, make-up etc) to another (claiming to be a boy, four name changes) didn’t convince anyone. And that people will not necessarily’be kind’.

Kindly I'd suggest that the attitude that 'The school pupils and teachers have a history of misgendering him.' may not be helpful. Other people cannot be forced to see us as we'd like to be seen, and it may be especially difficult for a ND child to understand and cope with that. Your DC can identify how they like, but can't compel others to go along with it, and as a ND person may need help to grasp that and strategies to cope with it.

Even if school do enforce pronouns etc, the wider world won't. So it'd probably be most helpful to focus on how your DC can manage that without retaliation, rather than in trying to control others' speech and beliefs which will never succeed.

For all those saying ‘teach your kid resilience if they’re weird’ would you also say ‘teach your pretty, feminine, balayage daughter to deal with sexual harassment and assault’? After all, you can’t control other people and sometimes other people are just mean if you put yourself out there’.

You mean teach her street smarts and self defence? Absolutely - wouldn’t you? The reality is that you can’t control other people.

Of course you can’t, so how would you deal with being surrounded by a bunch of people who are abusing and physically assaulting you, because apparently fighting back isn’t OK and doesn’t demonstrate the right sort of resilience. But if this was a 15 year old girl surrounded by 12 year old boys who were sexually assaulting her, do you really think she’d be condemned by mumsnet for fighting back and told to be more resilient? Because I don’t, and I think anyone who did suggest that would be, quite rightly, torn a new one.

You should be able to visualise a size 2, in the same way as a 10, 16, 20

I would say yes. And ignore it. You can’t compel the words in someone else’s mouth.

If they are being a dick, you can decide to avoid them. If it’s at work, you raise the fact they are being a dick.

Generally people notice the dickish behaviour of others and act accordingly.

So I’ll ask you, when your child is surrounded by other people who are abusing them and they are assaulted by one of them, what should they do?

I think you over estimate the amount of shits that anyone at university gives about what someone looks like and also how much people want to put people in boxes, because as a general rule they couldn’t really care less.

Do I think the police should be called on a 12-year-old for saying one racist word? No. Teenagers are asshats sometimes and ruining their lives rather than educating them won't help anyone.

I think we will have to agree to disagree on what is 'hate speech' and 'deeply, deeply transphobic'.

According to Google, an American size 2 is a UK size 6. Maybe OP is in the USA, though how this correlates with other information in posts is unclear.

The younger child assaulted the older one first, it wasn’t just ‘hurty feelings’ 🙄

Would you be saying the same if the OP hadn’t mentioned gender identity?

For all those saying ‘teach your kid resilience if they’re weird’ would you also say ‘teach your pretty, feminine, balayage daughter to deal with sexual harassment and assault’? After all, you can’t control other people and sometimes other people are just mean if you put yourself out there’.

I've made sure she's very aware of it and that as a teen I was very stupid with risk-taking and very lucky.

She said "This hat is very new and a comfort gift to T from his mother." How is calling it a comfort hat misreading what she wrote?

Yes, this is good advice. No one should be forced to pretend they believe something they know isn’t true.

Again, I never said anyone cared about what the trans child looks like. I said the trans child is FtM and does not in any way look like a 20yo male. The child looks like a 13 yo boy or a woman dressing as a man. That will be hard for the child to deal with because clearly they want people to think they are a 20 yo man.

You have a very strange way of "misunderstanding what is written. It seems to be deliberately designed to be argumentative.

In relation to the fight we also need to remember we only have one side of the story here.

My daughter is predicted to be 132cm at 12 so your 5ft (152cm) child could still be significantly bigger than a 11-12 yo girl. Size is probably a red herring too. My dad had 2 averaged sized brothers who liked a fight and a 4ft10 sister who liked a fight. Guess which of the 3 my grandparents got the most complaints against!!

I wonder whether your child has been judged more harshly due to the assumption that a 15yo is more emotionally equipped to extracted themselves from such a situation without resulting in violence. If you believe that their autism prevents this from being the case you need to correct this expectation and provide them for a framework to allow them to leave such as situation without hitting the other party. Unfortunately in this situation the striking of a younger student who would in normal situations be counted as the most vulnerable of the two students has overshadowed the abuse your child has received. Accept the punishment for hitting the other student and work with the school to get the bullying and abuse recognised and your child's vulnerabilities documented fully.

I'm constantly referred to as "Mrs MyPartner'sName" when I'm not. I'm Ms TheNameI'veAlwaysHad.

I don't care. I also wouldn't care if someone referred to me as "Mr". It would do nothing to change my reality.

Nobody can ever spell or pronounce my foreign name either, but these moments are usually a chance for human connection, not for me to get offended.

It's laughable to think the police would care either; half the time they don't care about rape etc.

What does this have to do with what I posted?

I’m not being deliberately argumentative, so apologies if it comes across as that. I’m angry that if the facts are as presented (and usually we assume they are), there are swathes of women here who are seemingly absolutely fine with a neurodiverse and clearly vulnerable kid being bullied and assaulted. I just don’t believe that this would be the case if trans wasn’t mentioned. I have huge concerns over the trans issue but ultimately I think that these kids are incredibly vulnerable for lots of reasons and rather than blame them for the way they’re treated, we should be looking out for them. I see suicidal young people every day of my working life, many of them have been bullied, the bullying has continued, not because they’re not the right kind of resilient but because of they don’t fit in the right box they can be massively let down by the adults around them.

My DS was horribly bullied, he punched one of them once and it never happened again. They spoke two years later and the bully said ‘I never thought you’d snap, good on you’ DS commented that it was a rubbish punch and the bully agreed, but they laughed about it and moved on. School were aware but didn’t do anything about DS punching him because they said the bullies didn’t raise a complaint and therefore knew that they deserved it.

I genuinely don’t understand the relevance of what these people look like if you’re saying no one cares. If they’re happy with the way they look it doesn’t matter at all what anyone else thinks.

In the same way that a Christmas present of a bobble hat is not a Christmas hat.

That's not the same thing at all. A mum gives her child a hat as a "comfort gift". People are referring to it as a "comfort hat". I don't see the issue.

My question is in the wider context of the thread rather than specifically to you, it was just that you replied to my question so I was continuing the conversation.

‘Street smarts and self defence’ the issue here seems to be that the kid used self defence and is now at risk of being excluded for it whilst the bullies are moving on with no consequences. Which seems to be acceptable according to many people on here.

I believe that if someone is being assaulted and threatened by a group of people, they’re within their rights to use self defence and i think that if T was not identifying as male, the responses on this thread would be very different.

The cynical part of me wonders whether this thread is designed as a bit of a dog whistle.