5 year old ate my Mother's Day chocs

[fishstiks]

Just found DD has sneakily been getting my Mother's Day box of chocolates from my bedside drawer and has eaten 3 out of the box. We only allow sweets once a week and never have dessert. Obviously the temptation was too much! A few weeks ago she found a large bar of chocolate belonging to DH and ate more than half! When we found it she owned up straight away and we banned all sweet treats and chocolate for a week (no chocolate spread, no sweets or chocolate, no biscuits and no milkshakes)

Should I punish her for the latest chocolate stealing? Are we too strict overall with sweet stuff?

She's a really picky eater she survives on crumpets with sugar free chocolate spread (we only introduced the chocolate spread as she won't eat butter and then will eat no toast or crumpets etc) berries, tofu, rice, pasta and cucumber mostly.

Any advice on the picky eater stuff or appropriate discipline would be appreciated

Using storyboarding like this is a great way to manage behaviour. You learn how to have positive outcomes. So the lesson learnt for her here is that it was wrong to eat the chocolates and even more wrong to not admit it and say sorry. She seems to have quite a high metabolism too if she's sneaking carbs!

You are creating really disordered and unhealthy boundaries with food here OP.

The only lesson she needs to learn here is not to take things that aren't hers without asking.

Ask yourself why she is sneaking the chocolates and why she ate your husbands chocolate bar? Because she's so restricted from them.

You will create food issues for her with this attitude and it won't work, especially if she already has a somewhat limited diet.

I allowed my daughter a small treat everyday. She’s an adult now and has very healthy eating habits. You’re being too strict about the treats for sure.

I’m glad things are slowly improving! I’d also wonder about seeing a dietician for advice around getting more nutrition into typically ‘higher sugar’ food. There are quite a lot of creative ways now. I’m also surprised her GP hasn’t been more concerned around her height being below the 5th percentile. My DD was on the 4th percentile for a while and we were sent to a specialists with instructions we needed to encourage a lot of food, ANY food, in the hopes she would put on weight and also grow in height. While you and your DH are both shorter than us, I’d probably be doing everything I could to feed her up and see if it helped with growth. It has actually helped here and I’m hoping for more progress!

Thats amazing. WD OP. Very mature mum way of dealing with it

I think you’ve misread OP’s comment, as I initially did. Her DD admitted to sneaking crisps and crackers, so OP will ensure neutral snacks are available from now on.

Well done, OP. It seems you’ve found a great solution. Now I just need to find a way to convince DS not to have chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch every day 😋

Oh bless her. Sounds like you've found a way forward. I'm sure she will be just fine.

I was banned from sweets as a child. I've craved sweet foods, and fought an often-losing battle with my weight, ever since. That might have happened anyway, to be fair, but the ban certainly didn't help - it made sweets seem like something wonderful and rare.

If you don’t have time to read the full thread at least read all the OPs posts before posting.

Sorry, looks like I’m misreading everything today.

I agree that it’s hard to notice crisps not going missing or that the evidence could be completely hidden.

Navigating fussy kids is an absolute minefield, isn’t it?

LOL! Show me a 5 year old who wouldn’t nick a chocolate out of a box.

Give her the meal you have prepared for everyone. If she chooses not to eat it she’ll have to wait until the next meal to eat. It won’t hurt her to feel hungry for a few hours. You are creating the problem if you offer an alternative every time she chooses to not eat what you have prepared. Obviously make sure you prepare something you know she will eat, or has previously been happy to eat, for the next meal.

I had 5 dc. They ate what I cooked or went without. There’s not a cat in hells chance would I have prepared 6 different meals to suit everyone!

As for banning certain food items - You are setting yourself and your dd up for problems when there is no need. Everything in moderation is the key.

I’ve read the whole thread OP. Well done on the descriptive praise and how you handled that. I am also sorry about your son as I am sure his condition also brings its own worries and anxiety for you.

It is evident that food has become a massive issue within the household and, respectfully, I’m not entirely convinced that you don’t also have some issues around food just by the language you use around it.

It has evidently become a very emotive topic and on that basis I would feed the children earlier and separately. So a kids meal time and you and your husbands mealtime later in the evening. I know this will take up more of your time in the evening but it will be less pressure. Food aversions and fussiness (and I’ve been there with my own and it’s a nightmare!) are quite common and your little girl will be ok.

Don’t be afraid to offer her things like breaded chicken or fish fingers and beans which would help her get more protein. I’d also cut out the oat bars, they are so dense and take so long to eat that she may not have time to eat other things. Don’t sit with her at mealtimes. Observe but casually and allow her the sense of freedom of sitting down without being supervised or harangued. I also wouldn’t give her free rein over crackers in the cupboard, she is five and will simply help herself mindlessly because she can.

Don’t ban treats or desserts and remove the good/bad language around food as this is where EDs spring from. I’d maybe buy a little book on nutrients and explain how carrots make you see in the dark and yogurts make your bone strong etc. But don’t make a point of offering them. I’d also encourage her to help you ‘cook’ so making mini pizzas and choosing her own topics. BBQing in the summer and have her make the sides. She will not expire from malnutrition and she is doing just fine. As are you. All will be well xx

Well played op. However my concern is she’s been stealing other food, eating it In secret. That not just she’s so little to be unsupervised to be able to do that, but that she has felt she needs to develop this secretive behaviour round food. At such a tiny age. Every action we take with a child has a conquence. And it’s very easy to be so restrictive and punitive that it forces this sort of behaviour.

i think you now need to try not to be so restrictive, let her have the stuff she wants, but teach her moderation. I don’t know what you mean by “neutral snacks” but if it is really not stuff she wants then you’re no further forward.

no food should be banned unless she’s an allergy, instead moderation is key.

This, and also if she's sneaking food whilst not becoming fat, you aren't feeding her enough.

I’m a nana now and as a child wasn’t allowed sweets,chocolate squash or crisps,my dad was a bit fanatic about healthy food.
As a teenager I became almost anorexic,as I was a picky eater and decided I didn’t like healthy food (I think I was rebelling in my own way)
I now have an unhealthy relationship with food as an old lady of 70. I eat way too much chocolate and very little healthy foodstuffs.Wish I knew the answer but denying foods makes them more appealing.
i also think kids can’t exercise much control over what happens to them but they get plenty of attention by refusing foods!

This happened to me years ago.
It was around Christmas time so there were more sweets and chocolates in the house than usual.
There was a box of After Eights in the cupboard. I fancied one, but when I got the box out I knew something was amiss as it felt very light. Every single chocolate had been eaten, and all that was left were the little paper sleeves.
Dh and myself decided to announce we could all have an After Eight or two.
Once all in the living room we did just that. I hadn't even reached the door when dd started crying and saying sorry.
She was about 6, and is now an adult. If ever it comes up we all laugh about it.

Please do not deny foods to a young person and setting a punishment for eating a denied food
My mother did that to me as she thought I was fat when I was little
I remember not being allowed to parties because I would eat bad things, going to school with a packed lunch which was 1 slice of nimble bread with a tiny amount of salad and 2 slices of boiled egg, I was allowed 5 small matchmakers a week 1 at a time with a day between (I now hate them with a passion)
But at the same time when I came home from school I was given a can of full fat fizzy and a packet of crisps
This way my mother could tell me how much of a failure I was all the time
When I got a job at 16 I used to spend most of my spare money on food and my weight ballooned
I have now have major food problems and will binge or starve myself and never feel good about myself
My heaviest was 25st, I have had weight loss surgery to help with the excess weight and my ED keeps an eye on me and pulls me up if I start to spiral
I do have sweets and chocolate in the house but don't binge on it often

My children and grandchildren have been allowed sweet stuff, if I thought it was too much I would do sweet dishes using natural sweet stuff
The best times were when we went to the market and would buy different fruit and veg than we normally would do and we would have tasting days

But then I wasn’t allowed sweets, chocolate or crisps, and I grew up with a healthy relationship to food, and an aversion to junk food.

EDs are complex mental health issues.

They are, and they often start in childhood.

For me the response for eating something that was a present for a person would be more about the fact it was a present and less that it was chocolate. I would have got her to make a picture as an apology and maybe go to the shop to buy a standard 80p chocolate bar to replace it. The chocolates weren't the thing that was "stolen" the token of gratitude was and that is what should be replaced.

My daughter never had regular pudding at home. At nursery she has fruit or cucumber after her meal. She has a very restricted diet due to food allergies, reflux and reducing acids due to acid damage to her teeth from her reflux. She has "treats" irregularly some weeks multiple times a week some times a day. She had cake twice yesterday as it was a family birthday meal and she had a piece at lunch and was sent home with another piece that she had after dinner. She goes through periods of barely eating too. Her dinner yesterday was 3 spoonsful of a curry she ate readily the day before but after 3 spoonfuls she didn't want any more followed by her request of spaghetti and frozen peas. We generally offer the same as us and if she doesn't want that it is plain pasta or crackers or toast, that sort of thing.
Rarely do we out and out say no but we do have to redirect and offer what she wants for after dinner or alongside something else.
She gets chocolate as rewards but this is in part to use the chocolate she has. She very rarely asks for it and has only just finished her chocolate from last Easter and still has some Christmas chocolate. She has some after her swimming lesson. She gets all of it if she tries everything and I get it if she doesn't. I might pinch a tiny corner and it's a bit of a joke and she knows she is getting it regardless but it just a playful wager to get her over her shyness in the water about doing new things. She gets the chocolate with other snacks whilst I get myself dress and sorted (she's 3 and I'm in the pool too). At home we randomly offer her chocolate or biscuits if she has challenged herself or been helpful etc but more often she just wants a water biscuit but to be fair this is what she would live off if given the choice. It's hard but her paediatrician and dietician are both of the opinion if she is eating and gaining weight not to worry. Even when she goes to only have 2 meals over a weekend she still gains weight beautifully. It's really hard to stress about the health of every mouth when every mouthful is a battle and a win. We try to focus on balance over the course of the week. She had quite a lot of cake yesterday we will keep an eye on those sorts of foods during the rest of the week. If she has only eaten carbs for a few days we try to come up with protein dominant meals she will eat. If she has been snacking of fruit we up cracker based snacks.

The biggest benefit of her food allergies is she can't eat foods in a packet and others can't influence her diet as much as everything has to go through me and my partner to check it against the approved list.

I would possibly keep a food diary for a week to see how the global picture of food currently looks.

I find food really tricky. My mum taught me the worst thing I could possibly do was become overweight. Chocolate was kept above the gas hob and yes we climbed on the hob to get it. I was put on a strict diet at 8 because she put herself on that diet and we all had to eat the same. I was underweight already and she had only taken me to the drs concerned about my lack of growth a year earlier. At 8 my little sister had anorexia. At 14 I had anorexia at 18 bulimia at 35 compulsive overeating. My older sister had bulimia at 16 and orthorexia through her 20s. Food, weight and appearance has dictate all of our childhoods and adult lives. I am absolutely desperate the distorted body image and views on food that my mum had and passed to me and my sisters don't get passed on to my daughter. It's so hard when her food takes up so much of my waking thought and her size requires regular monitoring as she is low percentile for height.

@Superscientist i am sorry you have had such a difficult relationship with food. I will say though, joking or not, I would not recommend ever using food as a reward. Food is an essential part of life and setting some foods apart as treats for good behaviour is not a good idea.

I just find it so very sad this little girl, she’s five, is stealing food. Her reality is punishment and restriction, so she steals as she can’t get it, and fears punishment, so lies. At 5. 5 years old. She has stolen cheese, crackers, chocolates, and was left unsupervised long enough she could do that.

can you imagine how heavy that must have sat on her, how releived she must have been to be able to tell the truth, to not fear the punishment.

at 5. I can’t even get my head round that. They should feel they matter, that they trust their parents, that they are heard, talked to. Yes you can’t give them everything they wish, but you can talk about food and moderation.

when a small child is driven to this, then that’s the issue.

Thanks! Actually food as a treat is something my daughter is greatly missing in life. There is no food that is spontaneous. When her friends have food in a cafe she can't have any. She can't have yoghurts or ice cream. She can't go to a shop and pick out an ice lolly or a chocolate bar. Seeing food as something to enjoy and to link food with pleasure and pleasurable activities such as a fun time swimming is actually something our dietitian and paediatrician is encouraging as so much of my daughter's diet is flat nos and she can't do the same as others. For her food is too much about just being food and it is rare that we get to say Yes for her to have something that everyone else takes for granted.

Edit she also rarely gets the chance to share food so the idea that there is food we both can eat is important

You’re being very dramatic I must say, you paint quite the picture 😂

this was the first time we found out she had stolen something, we decided how to punish her and we’ve now realised that was clearly the wrong path to take as it backfired.

The time she was “unsupervised long enough” to commit her string of thefts was on her way to and from her bedroom getting changed out of her uniform after school, that’s when she popped into my room and found the chocolates. The other time was when she was doing her “big girl” crafts and art at the table of the dining room while I split my time in between there and also supervising her two little brothers in the front room which are connected by the kitchen. She took chocolates from the bedroom and a packet of cheddar crackers from the cupboard in the kitchen using my kitchen stool to reach. She’s not a frail orphan clothed in torn rags stealing food from bins.

She took the biscuits after she had had her snack and after I had said no more snacks until dinner, which I’m sure is muttered by mothers up and down the country.…