5 year old ate my Mother's Day chocs

[fishstiks]

Just found DD has sneakily been getting my Mother's Day box of chocolates from my bedside drawer and has eaten 3 out of the box. We only allow sweets once a week and never have dessert. Obviously the temptation was too much! A few weeks ago she found a large bar of chocolate belonging to DH and ate more than half! When we found it she owned up straight away and we banned all sweet treats and chocolate for a week (no chocolate spread, no sweets or chocolate, no biscuits and no milkshakes)

Should I punish her for the latest chocolate stealing? Are we too strict overall with sweet stuff?

She's a really picky eater she survives on crumpets with sugar free chocolate spread (we only introduced the chocolate spread as she won't eat butter and then will eat no toast or crumpets etc) berries, tofu, rice, pasta and cucumber mostly.

Any advice on the picky eater stuff or appropriate discipline would be appreciated

I haven’t read every single one of your replies OP I’m sorry, just making a cuppa before I put my (VERY FUSSY EATER) to bed.
but came here to say, have you tried wraps/ pitta/ flatbread instead of bread?
I tend to do wraps, not always with a sauce but usually a meat & salad filler, even if she picks out the salad but manages some meat & wrap it’s better than chocolate spread in any case.

also, you wouldn’t worry about being a bad mother if you were a bad mother so give yourself a bit of a break too please 💞

My mum was like you are with me and my sister. Anything of flavour and with added sugar was banned because of our oral health. I used to try and go to my nannas or friends houses often during the week and weekends just so I could have a pudding after tea and some chocolate. I got into sneaking corner shop treats into the house and developed a huge sweet tooth. I’m now 43 and with my 2 children we do have pudding after tea (sugar free ice cream or homemade bread and marmalade) and every weekend they get a match bonus for playing their football games. You need to strike a balance. My youngest is a very fussy eater and would binge on rubbish if we allowed.

My husband's brother started out by stealing his brother's sweets and graduated onto larger, more expensive items so that my husband practically had to nail stuff down. I agree you don't want to make various food groups seem more alluring by restricting them and making them seem to be special but she does need to be made aware that stealing is stealing and it's wrong.

I'm sorry but that kind of control.over food at her age will cause.her to steal food, hoard food and develop eating disorders. I understand limiting sugar to some extent but to not have desserts, use sugar free everything is ridiculous at that age. Kids need some level of sugar. Plus the sugar free stuff are often made with sweetness that make you want to crave sugar. It sounds alike your daughter is already developing some eating problems if I were you I'd lift these ridiculous rules and let her have a bit of freedom with food. When she is 18 you won't have a day and she will end up 20 stone or with a serious eating disorder.

Carry on like this and they’ll end up bulimic and anorexic just like I did. My mom used to be as strict as you are.

Haven't read the whole thread but why so strict? It's this that is the cause! if you were not so strict / limiting on sweet treats it wouldn't be so tempting / forbidden. Sorry but this isn't healthy.

My Dad was very strict with sweet stuff, bottles of fizzy drinks etc... Once my parents separated I was denied this stuff so much I went full pelt in the other direction and used to binge on the stuff I hadn't been allowed. Also, I wouldn't use food as either punishment of reward, it can kick start a very unhealthy relationship with food.

Sorry just read this as "5 year old just ate my Mothers Day Crocs"!😂 I must be tired lol 😆

A child ate you hidden chocs? I can't believe it.

I don’t have any advice sadly except to say that my granddaughter is a very picky eater and I wonder sometimes how she survives! She is 8 years old.
Also wanted to say that you sound like a lovely, sensible mum doing her absolute best.

Try keeping your chocolates on show and out of reach. When she sees you taking one offer her a share, a little nibble so she can taste how good it is and make sure she knows they are little treats that you only have one at a time

@fishstiks it does sound like a lot of things are going on here. Would you say the food issues have gotten better or worse since baby arrived? RE the stealing, in future if its something you don't want her to have, I would make a point of saying this belongs to mummy etc and that she needs to ask if she wants to have some/borrow etc.

You said that she's very restricted but also that she went to a neighbours and ate well including things she won't touch at home. The meal plan idea sounds good. I would set a boundary at the start of each meal e.g. you need to eat at least half of what's on your plate (safe foods) or no pudding. I would save 'new foods' for outside of mealtimes. E.g. giving her bits to try when cooking. It takes 10 attempts for a child to know if they like something or not. Maybe you could make it fun and make a chart with a not food based reward for trying something 10 times.

If she asks for seconds of pudding it would be a no and reoffer the main.

I was careful about what my kids ate as I was trying to do what I thought was best. Ironically my third child had foods that would be classed as treats earlier than his older two siblings but he was the one who would take other people's chocolates, sweets etc. He's now 18, eats fine, still likes sweets but likes salty stuff too. I wish he had less salt at times but it's his body.

Try and relax and start afresh tomorrow. Take her shopping,
look through recipes together. Ask her to try one new food at the supermarket each time. It can be one savoury one sweet. Just anything to make food fun.

She's 5... they love sweets, chocolate, pudding, treats etc you sound way OTT banning treats. It sounds dramatic but you will end up creating so many issues in later life for her.

Ffs someone rescue this kid. How miserable can you get. My best friends husband had a mum the same as you and guess what? He stuffs his face with sweets and everything in very unhealthy quantities from the moment he had a job and earned his own money. She will end up with food issues bingle eating on alot of crap one day.

Ease off. @fishstiks has tried to do what she thought was right with a child who has been throwing curveballs by changing how she will eat. She's asking for help as she knows it's not working now.

It's clear who has read the thread and who has only read the OP. . .

I don't know if you're still reading @fishstiksbut if so, I wanted to add to my previous post. I would definitely not do the typical "in order to have something sweet, you must eat some of your dinner." In general, I think that's not a good approach for any child at all, even though it's very common. For your DD in particular, who has become so fixated on sugary things, it is a recipe for disaster (no pun intended). As you've discovered, she is so focused on the sweet stuff that she will eat a bite or two of dinner and then want dessert because she held up her end of the bargain. But again, it makes the sweet stuff into a reward which is a dynamic to avoid (for all children).

I suspect what has happened is that in keeping sweet things for once a week she has kept her sugar cravings and then seeing you get some chocolates it was just too much for her to resist.

Here’s something you could try, but it’s not for the faint-hearted! Try cutting out all sugar and “sugar-free” stuff (ie contains sweeteners) from her diet, including honey. No sugar-free choc spread, I’m afraid! No Nutella at Granny’s and no puddings at nursery/school. No chocolate or anything with sugar or sweeteners in the house. Research some actually sugar-free desserts and snacks that use fruit to sweeten (dates are great, as are ripe bananas) and make a selection for all of you to enjoy. Include as snacks, in lunchboxes, give to Granny. Expect her to turn her nose up at everything initially, but as her palate adjusts they will taste very sweet to her and you may find she starts to like them.

Next try including her in the cooking of the family meal. You can buy her some child-friendly utensils to use, get her her own apron, etc., make her feel special. I’d start with something like taco or pizza night, and she can choose what goes in/on them from a variety of options. Get her to mash up the guacamole and put what she wants in, and make it fun - play music, dance, goof around. This will start to change her associations with food as stressful (and as a way to control you, as by your reactions to her not eating she is being rewarded with attention) and get her interacting with it in a new way that gives her a bit more autonomy and creativity with food. Down the line you might think about taking her foraging or berry picking. See how she responds and take it super slow and gentle. If she still doesn’t eat anything then just be relaxed and chilled and try again another time.

Making food a sensual experience is really fundamental to good eating habits, so get her to smell things like herbs or freshly baked bread, make it a delight for the senses. Above all, avoid making her feel bad about not eating, just be cool and if it means she has no dinner, so be it. She’s hardly going to starve. Be totally zen, and try not to watch her as she eats. Tell funny stories, laugh, dance around, do silly impressions, just make dinner time a chance to bond and connect as a family and take the pressure off it being about what she’s eating.

With time, once she’s eating a bit more regularly you can reintroduce sugar if you choose, but I’d take it slowly. And definitely don’t punish her for eating your Mother’s Day chocolates, she’ll feel ashamed and that’ll only make it worse.

Op you need to teach your child moderation. This using food to punish, making food a war zone, making her go and steal food, is a eating disorder waiting to happen, when she has pocket money she will gorge.

Thanks to everyone who’s sent calm reasonable responses I really appreciate the support, understanding and suggestions!

today has been a good day, yesterday when I asked her about the missing chocolate she totally denied it and got really upset about it. Today I asked her about it again and just explained that it’s important we tell the truth to each other, talked about what if I ate some cake that she got given in a party bag, she said that would make her sad. I said this is how it made me feel that someone else had eaten something that was mine. She then asked what would happen if actually she had eaten the chocolates? She said maybe she thought I would say no tv for a week or similar. I said no, nothing would happen and I would be pleased to know the truth. And then she admitted it and apologised and said she’s sorry for making me sad and eating my chocolates and she knew it was wrong but they looked tasty. So everyone who said our previous tactic of saying no treats for a week after the previous chocolate stealing incident were right that it made her deny it the next time!

I’ve been reading a book which teaches descriptive praise to improve your child’s behavior and have been doing it all day, after she told me the truth I said “I’m really impressed that you were truthful, that’s really mature behaviour” and then she admitted loads more stuff she’s been eating out the cupboard 😂 like cheese crackers and bags of crisps so we will make some neutral snacks available to her all day and also the descriptive praise is really working! DH was out at the time and she even said I have to tell the truth to daddy and say sorry for lying when he gets home and as soon as he came back she told him what had happened and was really proud of herself for being truthful.

Then for dinner she had skinny fries from the chicken shop round the corner and tofu, ate 3/4 of what was on her plate and then had a bowl of ice cream.

You don't need to 'ban' them, just don't have them in the house. It's unfair she knows youve got a box of chocolates in your bedside table but she's under a complete ban.

Edit : Oops cross posted. Sounds great op, I love that she's now admitting to more haha 😂 she must be so relieved

When we found it she owned up straight away and we banned all sweet treats and chocolate for a week (no chocolate spread, no sweets or chocolate, no biscuits and no milkshakes)

So you punished her honesty? And now you wonder why she's resorted to stealing to get the chocolates that you are allowed to have in the secrecy of your bedroom, but she isn't?

If you want a daughter with binge eating disorder, you are going about it the right way. You are teaching her that some foods are to be consumed in secret, hidden from others, and grabbed when she has the chance. I'm in my forties and obese because I have been unable to unlearn that childhood lesson.

ETA: just saw your last post. That's a much better way to cope with it.

In our house we respect each other’s property and that includes sweets and chocolate. I would not dream of eating any that weren’t mine (I have my own considerable stash😋), and my kids (and husband) know the boundaries too. They will always ask rather than just help themselves.
Maybe you need to set ground rules now about not eating something belonging to someone else. And as others have said, don’t be too harsh on sweet stuff as they might just binge on it when they have freedom to do so (teens).

OP, I really feel your pain on this. As someone else said, I question whether those who don’t have truly picky eaters actually get what this is like. My DC1 has, in my opinion, borderline ARFID (his list of acceptable foods is a little longer than their number for diagnosis). I am sure he has ASD as well and he is now being assessed. We were lucky in that he would eat from all the main food groups, albeit very restrictive choices, and did not mainline on sugar (this has been more of a problem as he’s got older - he’s 8).

I am sure you have a sense of this already but in my experience food issues in children this age often relate to two things: sensory issues, and the need to control. They are often not exclusively about the food - the food is a symptom, not a cause. The fact that you observed your DD will eat things elsewhere she’d never eat at home is worth reflecting on.

Things that have helped us are:

• serving food family-style in bowls when space and time permit, letting him dictate the portion size and add his own parts such as grated cheese when it doesn’t. A buffet goes down well when we can, eg weekends.

• being completely neutral about food - sounds like you’re doing this already. I have much more success if I show no emotion at all about whether or not DC1 tries something. If he does - great. Praise. If not - no problem. We have relatives who are not on the same page with this and it’s unhelpful.

• getting him involved in making and shopping for food. DC1’s instinct is to restrict and reduce choices so I do push back on this. He’s been difficult about fruit recently but loves the supermarket so this weekend I tasked him to choose three fruits he was willing to eat, which worked. He also loves baking (!) and making his own pizza.

• routines about what is allowed and when, eg in our case we allow something sweet after dinner but expect a reasonable stab at dinner itself, we allow two sweet things a day and it’s up to him when he has them, we encourage variety and restrict some foods, eg only one packet of crisps. This is very individual to each family, I’m not saying what we do is great but mine likes a routine. We only started restricting after it became a problem - DC1 would like nothing better than chocolate brioche for breakfast, sugary treats after each meal, biscuits mid-afternoon and for supper, and to refuse fruit at each meal in favour of sweets/biscuits/cake.

Finally, I noticed you stated quite confidently that your DD is NT. I normally try to avoid unsolicited advice but I would gently suggest that you remain open-minded to the possibility that she may not be, and have a look at how autism can present in girls. I am no expert (DC1 is going through the assessment process) but her food issues and how long she’s had them for make me wonder whether she could potentially have ASD.

How sad that you treat your child this way. Shameful actually.