5 year old ate my Mother's Day chocs

[fishstiks]

Just found DD has sneakily been getting my Mother's Day box of chocolates from my bedside drawer and has eaten 3 out of the box. We only allow sweets once a week and never have dessert. Obviously the temptation was too much! A few weeks ago she found a large bar of chocolate belonging to DH and ate more than half! When we found it she owned up straight away and we banned all sweet treats and chocolate for a week (no chocolate spread, no sweets or chocolate, no biscuits and no milkshakes)

Should I punish her for the latest chocolate stealing? Are we too strict overall with sweet stuff?

She's a really picky eater she survives on crumpets with sugar free chocolate spread (we only introduced the chocolate spread as she won't eat butter and then will eat no toast or crumpets etc) berries, tofu, rice, pasta and cucumber mostly.

Any advice on the picky eater stuff or appropriate discipline would be appreciated

@CaptainCarrot but this is what my DS’ response would be to your strategy. He’d eat the very small piece of dessert and nothing else. He would ask for more and if no more came he’d leave the table and go and think about something else. Half an hour later he’d be hungry and would refuse to eat anything except cake/ pancake/ cereal/ dessert. If none of those things were available or offered then he’d just give up on food and go to bed hungry and cranky. Repeat the next day. Picky eaters don’t eat balanced diets just because they are offered regularly. They just don’t eat the healthy stuff! Ever. Not if you are strict, not if you’re relaxed, because you HAVEN’T NECESSARILY CAUSED THE PROBLEM. You therefore can’t necessarily solve the problem

No need to shout, @BrondesburyBelle I was just describing what I would do. 🤷‍♀️ If that didn't seem like an effective strategy, I'd try something else. For a child with serious issues, I'd also seek professional help.

@Kwasi no she specifically wanted berries and olives so I took her to Tesco to get them. She asked for crisps so I got her crisps too. She ate crisps on the way home in the car. When we got home she didn't eat the olives but did eat berries, cucumber, fried halloumi and some dry crackers

I feel like I’m going mad, @fishstiks - I have absolutely no idea why so many people are gunning for you. Your attitude and behaviour around food seems perfectly fine to me, and I don’t think young kids should have constant access to junk and super-sweet stuff because none of us should.

It does sound like your DD might have ARFID or something like it, so maybe pursue that path with professionals, but the idea that she’s “learned to emotionally manipulate you with food” or that’s she’s guaranteed to go NC with you because of
your abuse and controlling parenting? Take a night off, MN vipers.

You sound like you’re struggling with what we’d all find a difficult issue, not that you’re a terrible parent at all.

lol ok, good for you finding parenting easy, honestly this is the most bullshit comment of them all, everyone agrees parenting is hard!

What is the family dynamic with the other sibling like? The family I know with a similar (maybe less extreme) scenario to this one sibling is very load and demanding of attention. The one who is very selective about what to eat and what amount to eat is more quiet and less dominant. The eating little and eating a very restrictive range of food is commented upon by the parents to the child and extended family probably at every meal so as an outside perspective I can see how this is a good way for sibling to feel they are receiving attention from their parents and to feel in control of something when usually they have to do what the other sibling wants usually.

Id suggest going back to all eating the same thing as a family but making sure every meal includes one ‘safe’ food. If she doesn’t eat the meal that’s fine, she doesn’t get any alternative. The meal is put aside and if she is still hungry later it is made to her. Offer fruit or veg snacks twice a day. Make sure the whole family knows the rules around meals.

Dont make any comments about what is or isn’t eaten. It’s not a discussion or a fight it’s only ‘this is what is for dinner, you don’t have to eat it but there won’t be an alternative.’ Agree with all adults in family she will be eating with to do the same and not mention what is or isn’t eaten. Give her more one to one attention in other situations and lots of praise. Lots of praise for anything she does eat, lots of praise for trying new things.

I wouldn’t worry about having restrictive rules around chocolate as that’s not really the issue. The issue is the restrictive diet. I wouldn’t worry about the not eating meat either. My DD is not vegetarian but prefers the texture and density of vegan alternative ‘meats’ so it might be worth trying a few of those to see what she thinks but don’t make it solely focused on her, just all try it together. Getting positive attention for positive behaviour should quickly become more appealing than getting attention for negative food restrictions.

This is all assuming that there is no SEN.

Honestly, it sounds like she’s got too much control over everything except chocolate. There’s so much wrong with your last comment. You have two other kids but you are going to Tesco to buy lunch at the request of your five year old. You then let her eat crisps right before lunch, meaning she doesn’t eat all of her lunch. She is dictating far too much to you, and I say this as the mother of a child who rotates between the same five meals.

Stop feeding her before meals. Don’t give her enough plain pasta to fill her tummy. Don’t give dessert if she’s not eaten enough dinner to satisfy her hunger.

So basically you want her to have an unhealthy relationship with sweet things and teach her that she has to deny herself normal things that are quite healthy as part of a balanced diet, and that everyone else gets to eat? Of course it was too tempting for her! Why do you get a box of chocolates and she doesn't even get a yoghurt after dinner?! She's 5yrs old with barely any impulse control and you're teaching her that chocolate is forbidden fruit. I think you need to adjust your attitude towards sugar otherwise you're setting her up for real issues later on.

No my daughter is neurotypical, her little brother is SEN. She is the dominant personality, little brother has speech delay he's more like a baby than a normal 2 year old.

@kwasi we had to go out to buy lunch as our shopping wasn't delivered today (thanks Sainsbury’s) and there was nothing in the cupboards I normally do food shopping once a week. And she did eat the rest of her lunch, crackers, berries, fried halloumi and cucumber she just asked for the 3 olives to be removed from her plate before she started eating.

Sorry, I read it as she had requested olives FOR her lunch and not just 3 olives WITH her lunch. She certainly seems to have a good and balanced diet. Definitely not a picky eater.

Yes i think you are much too strict with food. You are turning sweets and chocolate into something very tempting by restrictioning it so much. You need to relax a bit. Often children who are not allowed sweets eat many as they can as soon as they get the chance.

Yes, you've summarised my situation much more succinctly than I managed to in my 40+ replies, thank you for that!

Is she snacking much between lunch and dinner? You said that you were preparing dinner after 7pm..I think 5-6pm would be a normal time to eat for such young children. This might reduce the need for in between meal snacks and mean she's hungrier at dinner time. I also think you're indulging too many of her requests (ie cutting off the banana ends..serving pasta separately on a different plate )-and she knows that you're desperate for her to eat so will continue to make these demands. Suggest you serve the food with everyone else, she doesn't get a banana instead of her main meal and she doesn't get ice cream when she hasn't had a main meal. But try not to draw attention to her, just let her get on with it. Don't mention whether she's eating or not eating. She's getting too much attention for the behaviour and may just want attention at the moment (particularly given the new baby). I know it's stressful but long term should bear results. If she complains that she's hungry before bed, you could re offer her the pasta from dinner or give her some toast and warm milk.

Is that right she’s not eating until 7pm?

We usually have dinner at 6pm but this evening totally ran away from me as I was bamboozled by this thread.

Recently tried doing dinner on school nights at 5pm as DH has been WFH which means everyone can eat earlier. But then some evenings she has swimming and rainbows so has to eat after we get home which is usually around 6 on Thursday after swimming and collecting DS from nursery and half 6 on Friday as rainbows ends at 6

@CaptainCarrot sorry the shouting wasn’t aimed at you. I started with a response to the suggestion and I’m over sensitive because I have a Dc with similar issues that are largely unresolved even though he’s more than twice the OP’s DD’s age. I’ve tried pretty much everything anyone has suggested on here, have sought professional advice, online advice etc. I keep him on the right side of healthy by being extremely flexible and accommodating and spending far too much, but not by providing unrestricted access to sugar as many posters on here have suggested and not by presenting normal portions of normal foods in a normal way. Sometimes he eats in his room, often he eats a whole day’s worth of food at 9pm. It looks v disordered but it works for him and I have found time over extended trials of sensible behaviour on our part that being normal and relaxed and doing what works for most DC doesn’t work for him.

I’m a bit shocked by all the ‘allow unrestricted sugar otherwise your DD develop an eating disorder and will go non contact and you’ll only have yourself to blame’ and also a bit exasperated by the well meaning types of advice that get trotted out that just don’t work for this kind of child.

above all I can’t believe how rude most posters (not you) have been to someone who is trying to do the right thing and who fortunately has been able to shrug off the many ridiculous and unkind comments better than I have!

Thank you. If she’s anything like me and DS, the later it gets, the less we feel like eating. I think we might be a bit strange, though. If I haven’t had dinner by 5.30pm, it’s unlikely I will have anything more than a yoghurt or cereal bar.

@purplejeanie this was our previous tactic if she eats some dinner then she would have dessert and some night she would have like a tiny cube of tofu and a small mouthful of rice and then say "well you said if I ate some dinner and I did eat SOME dinner" that kind of thing.

She normally has a pretty full lunch box when she gets home from school and then would have a snack upon arriving home and then would hassle me from then until dinner time for more food, I've tried the tactics of giving her nothing additional, giving her limited snacks like rice cakes and a biscuit etc and giving her unlimited rice cakes. But it's hard as toddler has hyperphagia which is a symptom of his syndrome so he finds it hard to know when he's full and regularly overeats, and if he sees her having a biscuit or rice cake he needs one or all hell breaks loose. Today at dinner he absolutely lost it when she got a banana and he didn't (even tho he had just stuffed his face with pasta, sweet potatoes, corn, avocado and steak)

I've started the rule that she can eat whatever is left over in her lunch box when she gets home but then don't know if she is now saving things to eat then in between snack time and dinner time

Ooh I will mention one thing that is helpful though that hasn’t been mentioned. Lots of physical and enjoyable outdoor exercise with minimal or no snacking followed by a buffet type spread with all healthy savoury choices (no dessert). He will be more likely to eat well and try new things

@Kwasi she did actually say "mummy I'm just hungry earlier than when dinner is" so maybe need to forge ahead with earlier mealtimes even tho it puts a spanner in the works for DS bedtime routine

If she’s coming home with stuff in her lunch box, she’s got too much stuff in her lunch box. A former teacher told me the less you put in them, the more they’ll eat. This absolutely works for DS. He now has his sandwiches, a pot of fruit and a desert, which is usually a mini roll, a penguin,
or some other sweet food. He finishes it all.

What time does DS go to bed? We tend to have dinner between 4.30 and 5pm, which suits us both.

This last week her lunchbox has been a plain tortilla wrap, (no filling in it literally just the wrap), a small pot of raspberries, packet of crisps and an oat bar. Sometimes she comes home and has just eaten the berries, sometimes the berries and crisps, never everything

@Kwasi smaller packed lunches was another thing I tried that didn’t work for my ds. He wouldn’t eat school lunch (I left him on school meals for 3 years but he would only ever eat dessert) I tried every type of packed lunches but he’d eat nothing I packed except if it was sweet until after another year I resorted to crisps and flapjack bars. Attempts to broaden out from this menu failed entirely. Luckily at secondary school they do a hot bagel he actually likes and will eat.