5 year old ate my Mother's Day chocs

[fishstiks]

Just found DD has sneakily been getting my Mother's Day box of chocolates from my bedside drawer and has eaten 3 out of the box. We only allow sweets once a week and never have dessert. Obviously the temptation was too much! A few weeks ago she found a large bar of chocolate belonging to DH and ate more than half! When we found it she owned up straight away and we banned all sweet treats and chocolate for a week (no chocolate spread, no sweets or chocolate, no biscuits and no milkshakes)

Should I punish her for the latest chocolate stealing? Are we too strict overall with sweet stuff?

She's a really picky eater she survives on crumpets with sugar free chocolate spread (we only introduced the chocolate spread as she won't eat butter and then will eat no toast or crumpets etc) berries, tofu, rice, pasta and cucumber mostly.

Any advice on the picky eater stuff or appropriate discipline would be appreciated

She got a dessert and sweet ban for eating 3 chocolates but you’ve just given her 3 slices of Vienetta!

I know 😳

I'm torn between thinking OP's winding us up, or is unable to take on board even the most basic advice here ...

@EarringsandLipstick I'm sorry that came off wrong, it was almost like a test to see what she would do when given the choice. I told her what was for dinner (steak, potatoes, avocado, corn) I served it alongside plain pasta as she requested. I put everything on the same plate, she made a big fuss that there were things she didn't like on her plate so made a big deal of me removing them. Then she decided she couldn't eat her pasta and she needed a clean plate for it so I got her that. She then flat out refused to eat any pasta and asked for a banana instead. We gave her a banana she doesn't like the pointy ends so we cut them off. She then said the cut end of the banana looked "too wet" so didn't want to eat any. So we said ok let's have some Vienetta, we all got one thin slice of it, me and DH ate ours, toddler protested and his was replaced by yogurt and she ate hers asked for more, ate more and asked for more again. Tbh I just wanted to see what she did this evening after reading everyone's opinions and advice

I am so confused. Yes it is our job as parents to serve what we choose and the kids choice if and how much they eat. That's the basic premise that I've used from the beginning. She previously had free access to a wide range of foods and would only eat the high sugar foods. So I changed the foods I was offering her

But why @fishstiks ?

Why would you want to test a 5 yo in that way? No-one here advised you that.

If this is genuine, you need dedicated professional help.

You have totally stopped implementing appropriate boundaries with your DD. You are overly harsh about a natural action (her taking sweets) but nearly reckless about meals, letting her decide what she wants it not, instead of giving her boundaried choices, which will include some sweet food.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but I'm quite shocked to read your updates.

Hmm this is an interesting idea. Some meals I ask her what she wants and others I don't and generally she eats more when I don't ask her what she wants. Today she requested olives for lunch so we went and got olives and then she didn't eat them

Too strict.

If she doesn’t like food being on her plate that she doesn’t like that might be because she thinks she has to eat it. I would try putting her food in dishes in front of her so she can serve herself. Some young children really don’t like different foods touching especially if they are foods they don’t like touching food they do. Put the food out for her to pick from, then when she I’d done clear away without comment.
It may also help if you get her involved with preparing food. Start with fun stuff like cupcakes and if she gets into it then introduce savory cooking.

Yes it is our job as parents to serve what we choose and the kids choice if and how much they eat. That's the basic premise that I've used from the beginning. She previously had free access to a wide range of foods and would only eat the high sugar foods. So I changed the foods I was offering her

But if the 'treat' foods (I know, terminology isn't totally useful) are limited then she can't only eat those!

You also don't five 'free access' as such. You give a selection of appropriate options, and a limited choice.

If the situation is more challenging, eg ARFID, you need professional support.

I hope the thread has been some use to you OP, but I'm not sure.

How difficult this must be!

After reading your first post my initial response was wow, thats really harsh but then after your updates I can see how you've ended up getting to this point with deserts

If it was me I'd probably continue with you cant have dessert unless you eat your tea but I'd probably let her have dessert everyday rather than just once a week. It does create a vicious cycle if it's a massive reward ( once a week treat )

Not the same reasons but my auntie was very strict with food for her children growing up. She actually used locks on the cuboards. They were all very slim growing up and are now all 5 of them, all obese adults who have a really fucked up relationship with food. I think her withholding deserts/treats all the time has made it so even as adults, they over indulge to the point, their all now obese. Its really sad

Could you use one of those plates with separate sections. Use one of those sections for a mini muffin/biscuit etc. Serve dessert up as part of the meal. She may just eat the sweet part but she’s sat at the table and eaten with you and isn’t just sat waiting for dessert.

Maybe do her dinner when she comes home from school? She sounds like she’s hungry then. Her food choices will change as she gets older, don’t diagnose her as anything yet.

What worked for my daughter at around the same age was -
Going to restaurants- she liked the vibe and got gradually braver with the menus.
Watching cookery programmes with me.
Developing friendships outside of the family and going along with their different food choices.
She's a very good cook now and eats better than I did when I was at uni!

I've had to get some friends to read through this entire post to just check I haven't totally lost my mind from what people have been replying.

They have both confirmed I'm not in fact a terrible parent and that it's hard to get the whole picture and the reality of my little girl or us as parents from an Internet forum.

On the whole I've been attacked and although I agree we need to find a way to support my daughter to eat a little more healthily I've not been reckless and DD is fine.

I will have a chat to her again tomorrow about taking things that belong to other people as I feel like that should be addressed, it was never about the chocolate but the taking of other people things.

And I do think the total ban on high sugar foods was harsh but it is not tantamount to child abuse, and was a choice we made in response to her increasingly poor eating habits.

I do everything for my kids, I use the only spare time I have sewing a costume for book day, or I specifically set my alarm in the morning so I can be the one to wake her up instead of DH, like she requested, even tho I have been up all night with the baby, so to sit down of an evening in my bed and to find she had been secretly eating my Mother's Day chocolates it really pissed me off as you can imagine. It was the straw that broke the camels back which lead me to post of solidarity and advice, and then it morphed into this horrible abusive thread with the majority of people just telling me I'm an awful mother.

Thankfully I know I'm not an awful mother and I can ignore most of you, I'm just a mother trying to make her way through, obviously I'm not as perfect as the majority of you seem to think you are.

So thank to all of you who read my replies and gave sincere responses, parenting is really bloody hard!

Yes I have been discussing with DH serving the kids dinner earlier, we usually eat around 6 all together but I think it's too late.

My toddler has additional needs so he is so messy after dinner I put him straight in the bath and then to bed so if I did it earlier would I give him a bath then more play time after bath before bed and then maybe that mucks up our bed routine?

I've just been worried that I'll do their dinner earlier then when do I make my dinner? And if we all eat together I've only had to cook once rather than twice over in an evening, or if we ate after they go to bed that would eat up the little free time I have.

On the whole I've been attacked

I disagree. You've had a lot of support & useful advice. Some posts have been a bit dismissive or exaggerated. But not the majority.

I've not been reckless and DD is fine.

Absolutely. Overall, DD is fine. But, unfortunately, you have been a little reckless and need to get good advice soon. The example of your evening meal was startling and even a little upsetting.

It was the straw that broke the camels back which lead me to post of solidarity and advice, and then it morphed into this horrible abusive thread with the majority of people just telling me I'm an awful mother.

I honestly think you got a lot of solidarity & advice. I don't see the abuse you mention. You've flip-flopped so much here I'm not sure what's true or not.

I don't think you're an awful mother, at all. I do find your posts perplexing and confusing. After an afternoon seeking advice, you then made really odd choices for her evening meal, including 'testing' your 5 yo

I'm just a mother trying to make her way through, obviously I'm not as perfect as the majority of you seem to think you are.

Where did anyone say or indicate this?

Best of luck with whatever you decide, hope things improve for you soon.

Yes watching cooking shows is not a bad idea and I would love to go to restaurants but we don't have the budget for that atm.

She had dinner at a neighbors house a few weeks ago and ate loads obviously even ate plain yogurt with apples after dinner which she would never do at home!

OP I’ve read the whole thread. I don’t think many parents know what having really picky eaters is like and I think they credit whatever attitude their DC has to their own wise parenting choices around food. I have a picky under eater and a slightly overweight over eater and I treat them both exactly the same as far as possible. My picky eater has about 4 meals he will eat and also went through phases where he wouldn’t eat anything except sweet stuff. Even a long phase where the main source of calories was banana milk. I only bought this as I took him shopping in desperation and told him he could have anything in Tesco that he would eat. For him it’s about texture and predictability/ consistency so for example today I spent about £30 on M&S prepared food because it’s completely consistent and if I try and recreate eg an M&S pasta salad it won’t be exactly the same and he won’t get used to it and accept it. It’s part of his ASD. I also cut out sugar at one point because otherwise he’d skip all meals and just wait for the cake/ pudding etc. He is 100% willing to go hungry for days if he doesn’t like what’s on offer, and will then get thin and cranky. Your DD sounds similar around food and it’s a difficult thing to ‘get right’ so please ignore all the opprobrium on here, because most children will self regulate with food and this is the experience most posters on here have had. Some won’t and that’s a long term project to try and get adequate nutrition in. I often think these picky kids with sensory issues are the kids who just would have become sick and malnourished in times where parenting wasn’t sympathetic or where resources couldn’t stretch to M&S style consistency. I don’t have any great answers but please ignore all the posters saying you’ve caused this. You haven’t caused it, you are trying to fix it but it’s not an easy thing to fix.

@fishstiks

I feel so bloody awful for you OP. It's no wonder we have a child obesity issue with responses like this. It's been a real eye opener.

Let me see if I've got the jist.

Your DD(5) has always been a fussy eater, but would eat vaguely healthy, nutritional foods alongside the occasional treat food. Lately, she's been forgoing all other food in favour of high sugar/chocolate foods and would only eat those foods. In an attempt to get her to eat healthier foods, you've temporarily limited treats to once a week.

DD has been caught twice sneaking chocolate and you want to know how to deal with this issue?

I am really baffled by your responses. Especially as someone whose own diet was very limited until the age of 18, you don't seem to understand your child's issues at all. You've gone from one extreme to another in the way you approach her diet: forcing her to eat things, then allowing her to eat only sweet food, then banning most sweet things, then punishing her for taking some chocolate by removing sweet things altogether, then giving her a huge portion of something sweet. My head is spinning, I can only imagine how your child is reacting.

Did you honestly expect her to refuse the dessert today? Did you really believe that a child who has shown how much she craves sugar would magically reject it? It is true that many children (not all, of course) will naturally settle into a balanced diet if they are given the chance to make choices from an early age. But it doesn't just happen to a 5-year-old who has received so many mixed messages about food in her short life.

Here's what I would have done this evening. I would have put all the options on the table at once and allowed her to help herself. That would include a small piece of the dessert since that was part of the meal. If she asked for more of the sweet stuff, I'd just say no. If she asked for something else that wasn't on the table (a banana or whatever), I'd ask her to wait until everyone has finished eating dinner. And then just continue the meal, chatting about the day, your plans for tomorrow, and whatever else but no discussion of food. If she didn't want to eat anything else, fine. If she wanted a banana after dinner, fine. If she didn't eat much dinner but got hungry before bedtime, I'd offer a couple of options (toast or fruit or porridge or something, plus a glass of milk). And continue the same approach for every meal from now on. Remove the emotion, avoid making the dinner table a battleground, allow her control within defined limits.

I could cry for her.. what a cruel Mum you are.
She will grow up with eating problems.
Get a grip.. and stop punishing a five year old ..especially your own daughter.

Not RTFT but I have a child same age who would also happily eat sugar for breakfast, lunch and dinner if allowed to ‘self-regulate’ their sugar intake. Definitely no regulation where sugar is concerned!

They did similar with some chocs I was given for a birthday and not yet eaten - I found the wrappers hidden in their room. I didn’t punish them, just explained that it’s disappointing when you are given something, saving it and then find someone has eaten it and asked how they would feel if it was a chocolate they had treasured and kept for later. They thought about it and were very apologetic, offered me their chocolate when given by another child etc for a few weeks after. It got the message across not to help yourself to something without asking. I wouldn’t have punished either

So she gets nothing else if she doesn’t eat the olives.

We beed to give kids choices but not give them control. My son is much picker than your daughter and hasn’t eaten a vegetable in almost four years. I got him to do a weekly meal plan of healthy foods and he had to stick to it.

I know he gets overwhelmed by food, so he doesn’t have too many different things on his plate. On Sundays, he has to try vegetables or new foods. We use a sectional plate for this. He tries them and sometimes we have success but sometimes we don’t, but at least he tries. He understands the importance of vegetables and fibre. He knows it’s hard to go on holiday until he broadens his palette. He is not deliberately being picky; he just struggles with food. I can’t penalise him for that.

Parenting isn't 'bloody hard' at all if you don't treat your child like it's a bloody laboratory rat foe you to exercise your control over!

I'm hoping it's a wind up. No one could really be this thick skinned and cold towards their child!

@PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance the dd already has eating problems! OP is seeking ideas and advice on how to help her and is trying some of the advice she’s been offered. She’s remained very calm and open despite unhelpful and unkind comments like yours. How is what you’ve said helpful in any way? If OP had posted ‘DD only eats sweet high sugar foods and I’m just going to give her unrestricted access to those indefinitely’ what a pile on there would be then! Clearly OP needs to try and help her dd get adequate nutrition and mumsnet used to be/ should be a place where things like this could be discussed in a supportive and constructive way.

I would keep your dinner time as it stand if that works for you. She will be very hungry after school though so a snack almost equal in size to dinner after school might help.

She’s not punishing her. She’s explained, should there be a consequence for sneaking and stealing? My children let me know when they are stealing my stuff. If it’s a big deal to me I will make sure they replace it! For the younger one I’d tell her that she needs to ask next time because it’s very rare I’ll ever say no, but she still has to ask me first.