5.5m of hell. Losing the will

[NewMomma21]

I don’t know what I’m looking for in this post. Maybe some solidarity or hope from others who’ve been through similar

My son is 5.5m old. He has cried constantly for the entire time and I am barely able to cope anymore. He has been assessed medically and although he has silent reflux, nothing else of concern has been identified. I’ve taken him for a second opinion to rule out CMPA and again nothing out of the ordinary has been noted.

He cries, complains and grumbles from one end of the day to the other. I get max 3 mins out of him in a given position or activity before he cries again.

I have tried everything, meds for reflux, osteopathy, slings and carriers, baby massage, putting him on solids. Nothing works and we lurch from one calamitous day to another.

My previously tidy house is a mess. I barely get time to make dinner. I am just so thoroughly done with listening to him cry all day every day unless in my arms. I am exhausted and consumed with regret over choosing to have a second child and guilt that this is how I feel. I have wonderful help and support from my DM who often comes over to help with him but she can’t be here all the time.

Will this ever get easier?

Yes.

In the meantime, go out as much as you can! We wished we’d got a baby swing because ours was ok as long as he was moving. We used to jiggle him with my foot it a bouncy chair while I cooked.

OP mine is now an adult but I remember this well. I also felt despair, regret, guilt. It was truly exhausting.. torture.

It will get better.

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful and all I can do is send sympathy and say that it will not be forever 💐

Sorry you're going through this. It's unbelievably hard. I went through it with my first and it was utterly dire but things did improve around the 7 month mark for us. Then with each milestone it got a little easier. He also had silent reflux and suspected CMPA but that was ruled out. He was quite early though, was yours too? I think he was just always in some kind of discomfort with his stomach until it finally matured and it got better from then. He was always a 'high needs' baby and needed all the attention all the time, it was draining. I really had to lean a lot on people around me for regular breaks as I think it would have broken me. So I'm glad to see you have some form of support. Keep taking some time out for a mental break if you can. He is now a lovely happy 4 yo and it's all a bad memory to be honest.. I hated when people said that to me whilst in the thick of it in those earlier days but it really is true that it gets easier!

Thanks for the kind responses. I’m just finding it so difficult. The constant noise of crying and not being able to do anything is just so hard. I look back at pictures of DS1 and at the same age he was such a joy, happy to play on his mat and watch the world go by in his high chair and when he did cry he was comforted by a cuddle. DS2 is just so relentlessly unhappy. Does not get any comfort from me, at times I genuinely wonder does he just not like me.

I also regretted having children really badly when my son was very little, he had colic and reflux and everything and it was very overwhelming but (and I’m sure you know this so sorry if it’s repetitive or not helpful) it does get better. The body grows and gets stronger so that the oesophagus (or whatever it’s called) doesn’t do reflux anymore. Then they start getting more interested in things and independent. Maybe try and remember how your first child grew so fast, this one will go by quickly too. It will be an awkward bad memory like mine 😬

OP i sympathise, I have been where you are now and thought exactly the same! My youngest had colic and I honestly didn’t know how I was coping, at all. I We relied heavily on gaviscon sachets with their feed and also made sure they were upright / elevated when feeding/ burping/ napping etc. I know it’s no help at this moment in time but it does and will get better x

Mine was very intelligent and basically bored until he had some independence. Once he could crawl and empty cupboards and stuff it got easier- though still exhausting baby proofing before and after. There were cupboards it was safe for him to empty, get in, get out and do all over again, and others that were securely fastened.

Hes a delightful 28yr old now, but he was hard work!

I remember this feeling so well. My son also had silent reflux and he cried and cried relentlessly. I spent the first 8 months of his life trying to sleep upright on the sofa with him held upright on my chest as it was the only way he would settle for a short time.

I thought I was going to die of sleep deprivation. It was horrendous. Things that helped were a stretchy sling once he got used to it. HiPP organic formula worked for him better than anything else. And just do anything that works for you to get some rest.

I promise it passes. My son is now 8 and he is the happiest, most laid back person that I know!

I have very dark feelings remembering the first 6 months of Ds1's life. It was horrid and I feel so guilty looking back for not enjoying it more.

CMPA, tongue tie, eczema, asthma. He had so many issues. I carried him solidly, in a baby carrier or under one arm. Bf settled him so I did that 23 hours a day or listened to crying. He barely slept either.

5.5 months was the lowest point. I was getting sleep in 30 minute sessions.

By 1 he was a different child. It does get easier. I promise.

Push for investigation. Tongue tie? CMPA? Eczema? Are you using a sling? A dummy?

If he’s happy in your arms can I suggest a good baby carrier? And wear him. You have your hands free, he’s hopefully happy. It’s natural for babies to want to be with their mum, my baby is having a very clingy stage right now (well she’s been clingy all the way tbh, 5 months now but it’s especially noticeable right now!! Maybe starting to have teeth moving in gums..?) I wear her for naps, I breastfeed, I also practice safe bed sharing. It won’t be forever and it’s allowing me sleep and to get stuff done. If I put her on her play gym to get something done within 5 minutes she’s crying for me, cries on her dad, cries on my mum. I do so much one handed! But it won’t be forever - hang in there. Soon enough they’ll be walking and exploring!

My first DD was a total NIGHTMARE of a baby. Honestly don’t know how I survived it. She just seemed to hate life, and made sure everyone knew about it. Constantly. Didn’t sleep either.

She got better with every milestone though - every bit of independence made the difference.

She's 8 now, and not without challenges, but it’s all generally good. Second DD was an entirely content, happy wee soul. And we nearly never had another because DD1 made life so unbearable as a baby. Made me fully realise just how different they can be.

Been there. Child number 2 cried constantly and it pushed me to the limit. Really difficult time.
As soon as she hit her first birthday it was like a switch going- and she was fine and happy- a lovely bright toddler.
Do hope that things improve.

same as @BotherThat dd1 was a total nightmare. She also had reflux and cried constantly. It was so isolating and exhausting. It took me 7 years to get up the courage to have dd2. Dd1 did get better eventually. The first year was pretty tough

To answer a few questions. DS absolutely categorically refuses the sling and baby carrier. I have tried many, many times to no avail. He wants to be held in a certain position (in front facing out) and everything else results in crying. He shows no signs of CPMA. He is on an organic formula. He was born early at 36+3 so probably does have an immature digestive system but I was hoping it would have settled by now. Obviously not.

As a previous poster said it’s like he hates life and wants me to know about it. The last GP I saw after a 10 hour long cryathon which I was sure had to have some tangible reason, said that he is done being a baby and his cognitive abilities have probably surpassed his physical abilities and he is frustrated by his limitations.

We were never having a third but this is absolutely out of the question now and if he was my first, I would never have gone again. I spend a lot of time worrying about his personality in the long term and how he will get on in life as he is so incredibly high needs and requires so much attention. There are days I feel I have ruined all our lives by choosing to have a second child. I miss DS1 so much who is an exceptionally good (even by 2 year old standards) little boy. It’s so hard on him listening to the constant crying too.

I‘m so sorry OP, it is hell when you have a baby like this and it must be all the more challenging given that your first was generally content. I wanted to link you to this recent thread which I hope may at least give you a bit of solidarity

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4992319-solidarity-from-anyone-who-has-or-had-miserable-babies?page=1

My sympathies OP. I know you said you’ve ruled out CMPA but only real way to check it is to change formula/ diet. Could you bring out the big guns and go for a week on something like neocate? Can be bought from a pharmacist and see if this makes a difference?

My ds wanted to be carried that way. I had to carry him facing out with my hand and arm down his body and between his legs holding him in a seated position if that makes sense.

This is how I have to carry him. All day, every day. It’s exhausting. He’s a big boy probably nearly 9kg so it’s so physically tough and tiring

I hear you. My ds was a big boy. Does he like a sitting up buggy?

I did have a long discussion with the GP about this. On balance we both agreed that in the absence of symptoms, changing formula was a risk in the sense it could make things worse and neocate is notoriously difficult to introduce because of its awful taste. She felt he needed/wanted solids so we’ve started baby porridge and rice and will start with some veg and apples/pears next week. He seems to enjoy solids so far but it wasn’t the panacea I was hoping for. Much like everything else, he seemed better for a day or two and then resumed his usual miserable demeanour.

Have you tried Lamaze type complicated pictures? Or just geometric patterns? My SiL could be calmed as a baby by looking at the bathroom wallpaper. He may well want something interesting- singing, things to look at etc. it’s hard.

My dd was like this but I didn't have any family support. It did nearly break me. Screamed in a car seat or pram. Would only sleep vertically etc. She wouldn't go inwards in a sling or carrier but did some good stints facing outwards in a carrier. We did that from quite a bit younger than you're meant to because we were desperate and she had strong neck control (common for silent reflux babies). What meds is she on? It was at 10 months that the doctors finally gave us an additional med and she finally started being able to sleep a bit. She had ranitidine (now withdrawn I believe) and omeprazole. She did also have cmpa.

She's 7 now and was an absolute nightmare of a baby but from toddler onwards she's been 'easy'. I have a 4 month old who won't be put down and needs to be held exactly as you say, but she doesn't cry 24/7 so it's nowhere near as bad. Hang on in there, it does get better!

What medication are you using for the silent reflux? My little grandaughter had the same and the 1st two meds prescribed didn't touch it. It's utterly miserable - I used to put her in a sling and go for a long walk with the dog for an hour every day to give DD a break and I remember having to put headphones/earplugs in sometimes as the screaming was just relentless.
She's now 7 and the most darling happy soul imaginable. I've got an amazing bond with her and I swear she remembers those mornings in the cold stomping miles and scaring the birds/other walkers

We too hoped weaning would be the solution but sadly for us, it didn't make any difference. That was probably my lowest point as everyone told me weaning would help so I'd been clinging on to that. I think dd being able to reliably sit up independently did make some difference and then bum shuffling around.