5.5m of hell. Losing the will

[NewMomma21]

I don’t know what I’m looking for in this post. Maybe some solidarity or hope from others who’ve been through similar

My son is 5.5m old. He has cried constantly for the entire time and I am barely able to cope anymore. He has been assessed medically and although he has silent reflux, nothing else of concern has been identified. I’ve taken him for a second opinion to rule out CMPA and again nothing out of the ordinary has been noted.

He cries, complains and grumbles from one end of the day to the other. I get max 3 mins out of him in a given position or activity before he cries again.

I have tried everything, meds for reflux, osteopathy, slings and carriers, baby massage, putting him on solids. Nothing works and we lurch from one calamitous day to another.

My previously tidy house is a mess. I barely get time to make dinner. I am just so thoroughly done with listening to him cry all day every day unless in my arms. I am exhausted and consumed with regret over choosing to have a second child and guilt that this is how I feel. I have wonderful help and support from my DM who often comes over to help with him but she can’t be here all the time.

Will this ever get easier?

Thanks for your suggestion. I have tried the high contrast pictures/colourful images which he shows interest in but seems to get frustrated at their 2D nature. He has plenty of interesting toys and although he plays with them to some extent, he ultimately always gets frustrated and cries within minutes of being placed down with them.

If funds allow, get Wednesdays off. You need an island in the middle of the week to have your hands free, sleep, go to the salon or a museum, or just play with your DD.

It's incredibly tough but you'll survive better if you get a break midweek and enough help on the weekends. How is your DH as a parent?

Have you tried a sit up buggy? Changed everything for us. Ds wouldnt go in it for long but loved having forward and looking and the world in between being lugged about. I think we tried about 5 months

I really can relate to this so much. I’m in a constant cycle of hope and despair; hopeful that this new thing (omeprazole, weaning, slings etc) will be the thing that helps and then, inevitably, it doesn’t. I feel like I just exist to hear screaming. I can’t bring DS1 to activities because of the incessant screaming. I barely see friends. My beautiful DS1 is a bright little spark who wants to learn letters and numbers and do puzzles and I can do practically nothing with him because I’m velcroed to a crying baby all day.

Yes he’s been in the sit up buggy for a few weeks. I can’t say it’s made a huge difference honestly. He doesn’t seem overtly content while out for a walk unfortunately.

DS2 was like this. I could not hold him and do shush and pat and he became increasingly annoyed and screamed.

DS1 was a joy compared to him honestly

In the end I had to leave him to cry and eventually sleep.

Turns out he is really very intelligent aged 14 and so I think became over stimulated very quickly.

how are his naps @NewMomma21 ? Is he over tired?

OP it sounds absolutely horrendous. It will get better, it really does sound like he just hates being a baby!

Have you tried a forward facing carrier? It sounds like you’ve tried everything, sadly time is often the only answer!

Don’t be afraid to use earplugs or earbuds with music on if you need to just get a break from the noise of crying.

Yes DH and I have discussed a nanny. I have advertised a few times (even just someone here so I could take DS1 to an activity close by or get some laundry done) but we are in a real childcare black spot and no one suitable applied.

DH takes the two children to his DM on Friday afternoons so I can have a break but increasingly I need this time to just get basic tasks like laundry done rather than a break. DH is supportive, works very long hours (gone 6-7am - 7pm 3 days a week, has to travel internationally). On WFH days he takes them until he starts work. He would happily throw money at the problem but it’s not a problem that finances can fix.

I am taking unpaid leave to stay at home until DS is 1. At the moment I wish I could just go back to work but we have no childcare and I would genuinely worry about leaving DS with someone as the crying is so so much that I would worry about a carers ability to cope and how this might affect the care they offer, I barely cope and he is my own child if that makes sense.

Naps are okay. We follow a nap routine and watch wake windows. We do need to work in his sleep environment, he will only nap well in the double buggy parked in the sitting room (beautiful nursery no thanks!) if we put him in his co sleeper or cot he wakes very early and the screaming gets worse with tiredness.

He sleeps okay at night, maybe one or two wakes up. But if he does wake he does not take any comfort or solace from a cuddle from me or DH. DS1 was a terrible sleeper at this age but always just wanted a cuddle, DS borderline has zero (and I mean zero) interest in cuddles

This was me when my baby was this age
She is now 20 months and honestly an absolute joy. She's hard work don't get me wrong but I could have written your post at this age !

Please ask your GP for apamil pepti 1 and if this doesn't help ( you do need to give it 6 weeks ) ask for an amino acid milk
This changed my life....she settled so much and slept! Went from sleeping hardly anything to 10 hour stretches, didn't cry as much ( she was and is still high needs) we were under a paediatrician GP and dietician and it wasn't until 5 months where the dietician was in shock that the GP didn't move onto the next milk which was neonate for us and it wasn't until 5 months this was where we saw a massive improvement! Push push push
You so have to wait the whole time but this is so much better than anything else we tried
She now has cows milk and is absolutely fine - she grew out of it around 13 months
She just has a very immature gut and couldn't tolerate cows milk protein x

@NewMomma21 as my dd was my first I did take her to lots of baby classes, where she'd scream and scream and I'd be mega stressed. Looking back I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. All my NCT friends went to everything so I thought I had to/should too. I wish I'd just stayed at home where the screaming was at least contained!

I remember having one stubborn day where I decided I was going to walk into town as everyone else does it, so why can't I. Should have taken 20 mins but took me well over 2 hours due to the constant need to stop as the screaming got too much (she'd have comfort mini breast feeds all the bloody time) and finally arriving at a cafe and getting in the queue to buy a drink while still holding screaming baby. A lady then told me to go sit down and insisted on buying me a cup of tea and bringing it over. I'll never forget that kindness. I also had a horrdeous train journey with her once and two different women were so lovely to me (one held her for a bit, one tried to show her peppa pig on her phone) and a man shouted/shamed at all the seated people that someone had to give up their seat for me as I was trying to feed her standing up in the most rammed train. Sorry, gone off on a bit of a tangent there. I think I'm trying to say that as parents we're mostly highly aware of our loud screaming baby and worried we're pissing everyone off, but on the whole people are kind and sympathetic and sometimes willing to try and help.

Have you tried a wind up swing? Honestly ds1 never ever shut up but was powerless against a quite powerful 40 minute swing. Ds2 was an angel and I didn't know babies could be so lovely 😂

@NewMomma21 hi I can totally relate to this. My first is an absolute dream she’s 2.5 now and is still wonderfully chilled. She slept well and predictably as a baby and as a toddler she’s okay- yes tantrums but manageable.
my 5.5 month old is quite high needs. She cries if I’m out of sight. I can put her in bouncer for a bit and cook etc but it’s so hard as she’s so different to my first. I’m convinced it’s because she’s tired but no magic is working on the naps.

one thing that seems to work is water. She loves swimming and when we have a bad day I stick her in a bath and it seems to reset her. I really miss myself as I was so calm but I’m now so overstimulated and my toddler sometimes gets the brunt of it because I often respond to her stories with mmhmm sounds lovely rather than interest. I breastfeed too and I just feel like I’m always touched.

i don’t know if it will get better but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I also think this crappy weather isn’t helping. Once we can be out for longer with them it might be better. Can I ask can your little one sit upright?
I’ve been told some babies are miserable until they can sit as they feel safer upright a bit rather than lying down. Mine is 5 months and 1 week and not at all able to sit yet. I am really hoping it’s true!

Does he have a dummy?

Indeed he does. It helps at night but during the day during crying/all day complaining he shows little interest in it.

He can sit up with a little support ring pillow around him for safety. Unfortunately sitting upright was also something I hoped would herald in some improvement but it didn’t and it’s become just another thing people said would definitely make a difference but didn’t. Now that he can sit people say when he crawls he will improve. I’m really starting to think there is a possibility it’s just his personality to be exceptionally challenging and grumpy with very brief periods of contentment.

@NewMomma21 im sorry sitting up didn’t make a difference.

i think your last sentence is actually really insightful. I think accepting our children for who they are in this moment is probably better than us keep hoping for the thing that will change it.
i find when i accept my child is a rubbish sleeper i actually sleep better because im less angry. I am convinced that her bad mood is because she won’t sleep well so its such a horrible cycle.

Some children just aren’t content with being babies so I truly hope it does improve for both of us!

does your little one enjoy baby groups? Mine although difficult seems to love them because of course I’m holding her/ playing with her etc in them. And although I do that at home I find in classes I can at least talk to another adult!

@NewMomma21 I had one of those babies! He was my first and somehow didn't put me off having another (who thankfully was easier.

He had silent reflux. He was diagnosed with asthma at 3 years old and the paediatrician said that he had probably had CMPA as a baby and we just never realised. He did have baby eczema though.

He was weaned at four months. It changed everything. Hr stopped crying for 8 hours a day and actually napped in the day. But even then he could still be grumpier than others until he could talk. He talked early.

He will be 11 next week! He was diagnosed as autistic when he was 8. His dad and I have often thought that knowing what we know now about his temperament, his crying was just him complaining about everything. (I love him with my whole heart but he can still be very particular and grumpy!).

I had exactly this with my second. Hell. I ended up with PND and ptsd. There's a reason they use babies crying as a torture technique in the military.

Get yourself on the happy pills and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes there is no explanation at the time, but keep in mind it can be a sign of autism. Sensory overload etc.

It got a bit better for us when she started walking. Very early (9 months ish) but it felt like 9 years at the time.

Hang in there

Had one of these too. I remember when she was less than 24 hours old, a midwife saying 'you'll have your work cut out for you with this one'. Her only modes were crying, sleeping or feeding. It was tortuous.

The constant crying didn't last as long as yours has. I really feel for you.

Ours lasted until she started moving independently - around 4 or 4.5 months she started moving around on her tummy. Not crawling because she didn't have the leg strength, but she was well able to get where she wanted to go. She was generally happier once she could move independently. She walked really early too - 10 months. Continued to hate all people except me and her dad for a long time. But the constant crying stopped.

We eventually came to the conclusion that she just hated being a baby and wanted to do her own thing. We'll never know what the real problem was. They're all so unique.

Your lo will figure out other modes that are not screaming eventually. Hopefully it'll be like a switch for you and you'll get a break.

Just to add. If I'd had my time again with hindsight, I would have paid more attention to sensory stuff to look for patterns I could control. I didn't know about autism then so had no idea just how upsetting the usual sensations of daily life can be. Eg now she can communicate that certain smells/ textures/ noises makes her literally feel sick so we can limit or mitigate them. Vice versa some textures/ weighted blanket/ sounds are very soothing to her. Autistic people can also be incredibly bothered by transitions. No just deeply held routines. Even very simple changes of scenery/ activity/ things starting or ending etc. Had I known this at the time it would have been helpful.

DS1 was an unhappy baby. The health visitor refused to refer us to the paediatric dietician until we tried every commercially available formula. Luckily the third one I bought was lactose free and almost immediately he stopped crying, was happy to be places other than in a baby carrier being walked rapidly (man did I get my steps in in those first 10 weeks). Despite being born at 42 weeks and being a heavy baby, his digestive system was just not quite ready for everything. We didn't wean until 12 months - we introduced lactose back into his diet slowly over 6 months and never looked back.

My son had silent reflux and was like tbis as a newborn. He got omeprazole and the pain was taken away from the acid, then despite having none of the usual dumtpoms other than micusy poop he got put on altamil pepti syneo (hydrolysed but still dairy based so it doesn't taste as bad as amino acid neocate) and he was a different boy. Took a few works for the diary to work out of his system and his nappies became normal but more importantly he was so settled and enjoying his wake windows, hitting milestones etc. Sorry if I missed it but what meds did you get for the reflux? And why did the go jump straight to neonate? That's usually towards the end of the ladder of cmpa formula, they start with aptamil pepti and then go from there usually.

Wanted to add my sisters son found a lactose free formula much more comfortable om his stomach and stopped being an unhappy griping baby at 3 months.