5.5m of hell. Losing the will

[NewMomma21]

I don’t know what I’m looking for in this post. Maybe some solidarity or hope from others who’ve been through similar

My son is 5.5m old. He has cried constantly for the entire time and I am barely able to cope anymore. He has been assessed medically and although he has silent reflux, nothing else of concern has been identified. I’ve taken him for a second opinion to rule out CMPA and again nothing out of the ordinary has been noted.

He cries, complains and grumbles from one end of the day to the other. I get max 3 mins out of him in a given position or activity before he cries again.

I have tried everything, meds for reflux, osteopathy, slings and carriers, baby massage, putting him on solids. Nothing works and we lurch from one calamitous day to another.

My previously tidy house is a mess. I barely get time to make dinner. I am just so thoroughly done with listening to him cry all day every day unless in my arms. I am exhausted and consumed with regret over choosing to have a second child and guilt that this is how I feel. I have wonderful help and support from my DM who often comes over to help with him but she can’t be here all the time.

Will this ever get easier?

Can't help with the crying OP and hope you get some relief soon, but you should employ some outside help (like an old fashioned mother's help or a housekeeper) so when you do get some free time you are not spending it catching up on housework.

The one thing that settled ds when he was screaming was the washer on a spin cycle. He loved the vibration sat in his bouncy chair. Sometimes I used to spin the same wash 3 times. Social services would have had a birthday if they had seen him sat in the utility room for hours on end.

I really feel for you. Older parent here and one of my twins was similar. Good old fashioned gripe water before food helped a little but could you get a rockit gadget (rockitrocker.com/) and have them sitting in a comfortable position (high chair, pushchair etc) and see if the vibrations help?
My other solution was get the music on and dance around with the volume up high. Don't hold a growing child all day, you'll end up with back issues.
Sending love and positive thoughts xxx

There used to be a charity called Crysis who helped with screamers.

Is his startle reflex really pronounced? My ds1 would virtually levitate off his cot and has very severe adhd. Looking back so many of his behaviours as a baby make sense in the light of this.

I'm 11 months in with my incredibly hard work baby.

It has been awful.

At 11 months though it is now the whinging rather than the screaming, at least,

Things have gotten slightlyyyyy better with each milestone, but not the cure I was hoping for.

He still struggles with reflux snd is on CMPA milk, which is super watery, so my next big hope for a 'fix' is when I can swap him to soya milk in 3 weeks!

Honestly I just want to hug you, my now baby, exact same age screamed for her first 3 months. The worst was she cried constantly for 20 hours. They didn’t agree that she had CMPA, she’s breastfed so I cut dairy out of my diet. Strictly no dairy, she is a different baby. I would call the GP on Monday and ask for aptimil pepti 1, trial for a few weeks, if no difference ask for amino acid milk. I would honestly trial these to see if baby has CMPA. I hope your okay, I really feel for you x

Ds 1 was like this and it was horrendous. I really feel for you.

things did get much, much better at about 6 months old and significantly better at 9-12 months.

Thanks for all the kind responses overnight. For those of you who had a CMPA baby, did they have any other symptoms other than irritability? DS has gained weight really well which is why both GPs I saw felt it was unlikely to be an allergy.

We were hoping for a better day today but he’s awake about a hour and already grumbling and crying

Both of my CMPA babies gained weight fine. They had varying degrees of eczema.

If throwing money at the problem is an option, how about a cleaner, so you can actually rest when you get a break? Ask the cleaner to start one load of laundry and sort another. Or get a service wash.

Dd2 was like this. It was a dairy intolerance (not allergy) but wasn’t diagnosed until 18 months when we were following up on severe eczema. I’d suggest trying a lactose free milk for a few weeks to see if that helps, and be v careful with weaning. Mine has gluten intolerance and nut allergy as well as dairy.

she’s also highly intelligent and easily bored/frustrated so there is an element of personality in there as well. She’s flipping lovely now though and it was all worth it (young adult)

Oh, lovely. You poor thing. Like lots of other posters here, I had a baby like this.

He also did not sleep.

He's 11 now. And a joy! For him, I think the problem was he had a much older brother and just wanted to be able to do everything he could do. The worst was the fact he was late to talk, he wasn't really talking by his second birthday. But, once he did talk, everything got better. So. Much. Better.

Like a pp said, every little milestone produced a tiny change, that would sometimes last and sometimes not. But it was the talking thing that changed everything. From 2 and half onwards, he was the sunniest, loveliest toddler, having been the most unhappy baby I'd ever come across.

The only thing that helped was decent time away, so I had chance to reset. I had to have time to do some housework, time to spend with ds1 and time to just sit/nap/read/watch TV. I needed to not be able to hear the crying, grizzling or whingeing. You said your mum helps a lot. Can you start doing a bit of tag teaming? Say on a Thursday, so when your dh takes them out on Friday, you can just rest because on Thursday you got some jobs done?

It will get better. But it might take some time. The only thing you can do is find a way to manage until then.

Just to say OP, is that I have posted similar threads in the past (different name) and have spent a lot of time searching previous threads like this.

My only advice is, by all means try things, but don't tie your hopes to any one thing being your magic fix. I have cried each time 2x cmpa milk, 2x reflux meds, 2x tongue tie releases, 3x bottle changes, 2x osteopath, early weaning, sitting, crawling and cruising haven't been our magic fix.

I think you just have to sit in the uncertainty and keep going.

It will get easier. You've described really well what it feels like. Going round in circles trying to see 'what works' resulting in a cycle of hope and despair.

My daughter was like this. Constantly unsettled and colic-y. It went on for months and months and I kept hoping the next milestone would 'solve' it. There wasn't a solution as such, but gradually over time it incrementally improved bit by bit. I also saw huge improvements once she starting walking and talking.

I really feel for where you are right now as I know how hard it is. You will get through it. It will get better.

Mine's 2.5 now and absolutely lovely. Everyone comments on how sociable, smart and independent she is. I would've never believed this two years ago!

Although I suspect there was silent reflux and a possibly milk intolerance, I also think some of it is down to temperament...you may simply have a very bright child who doesn't like being a baby!

My DC was like that while BF. I lasted 9 weeks and went on formula. It helped straight away.

It's so hard. I had one like this - he's now 19. He has ASD, is extremely clever and a joy to be around. When he was a baby the best thing to get 20 mins peace was a DVD called Baby Einstein - lots of moving geometric puzzles with calming music. Similar things are probably on youtube now. He also liked to watch the washing machine go round from his bouncer chair. If out walking, busy roads were best so that he could watch the cars. Basically, lots of stimulation with 'real' things, not babyish things, unless he needed to sleep as then he would get too wired and cry relentlessly. I worked out much later that even from a tiny age he just wanted to figure out how the world worked. Mainly objects/things, not people. My comfort seemed to do nothing. My arms were just a useful prop to help him see things better!

(I'm not suggesting your baby has ASD, BTW, just that he might be very intelligent and currently bored.)

It was so hard. But he has brought great rewards in the longer term. Hang in there.

@NewMomma21 my cmpa baby was 10lbs at birth and gained steadily, his reflux was silent so he swallowed it so didn't lose any calories, they don't always fail to thrive with cmpa. It could be an intolerance too rather than an allergy which is what my son has, so his formula has cows milk, the proteins have just been broken down alot to male it easier to digest. What are you sons nappies like if you don't mind me asking?

This was DS1. Right to the only happy being carried facing outwards constantly. It was hell. It’s only since DS2 has come along (who is a very average baby I’d say, certainly no unicorn) I realise just how relentless and soul destroying DS1s first year was.

There was nothing medically wrong with him. I think people are too quick to diagnose allergies or reflux, when in fact some babies are just damn difficult by nature. He was just an exceptionally alert, demanding, high needs baby.

Like a lot of PPs, he improved with every developmental milestone. By the time he could walk and talk he was a joy. Still intense, still quick to cry, certainly not ‘chill’…but so quick to develop, clearly very bright and just so quirky and joyful and interesting. I suddenly had grandparents lining up to babysit him at 18 months as he was so great and generally ‘easy’, whereas nobody touched him with a barge pole as a baby!

DS1 hated being parent facing in the sling. At 6 months we invested in a Tula Explore where he could be worn world facing. Absolute game changer. I’d recommend. I think a few carrier brands can be configured like this.

Thanks for all the additional responses. DS has beautiful clear skin with no signs of eczema. Nappies are okay. A bit constipated since weaned. Again another reason CMPA was ruled out. We are weaning carefully, nothing that might cause additional wind.

I am really comforted reading some of the responses here. Even knowing I’m not alone in this experience lessens the sense of complete overwhelm. Everywhere I go I feel I’m surrounded by “good” babies. At a family event recently I was confined with my DM to a room with screaming DS while everyone else enjoyed chats and food. My much, much younger cousin who has a similar aged DC looked on in horror as DS screamed for the entire duration. It’s a very lonely and isolating place to be.

In terms of outsourcing help. I have a cleaner who comes for a couple of hours every 2 weeks but now I’m struggling with day to day. I will look for a housekeeper to help with laundry and hoovering etc. We have looked for a nanny to help previously but no joy. Part of me is nervous that DS would prefer this person to me and how I would cope with this rejection. It’s hard not to take the constant crying personally sometimes.

Can I ask if anyone tried a probiotic and if it helped?

It's possible the baby would be distracted by a new person, or even soothed by a well-rested person coming in to care for them part time, but if that did happen you need to recognise it as a manifestation of the novelty and your own sleep deprivation.

You are the person who is there most of time, through all the long nights. He won't prefer someone else in any meaningful way.

Incidentally, the fact that professional childcarers, firstly, have a vocation and secondly, are well rested and have a home time to look forward to is why they don't crack under the barrage of crying and provide substandard care.

It's okay to delegate and it won't have adverse consequences.

Thanks so much for this reassurance. I do genuinely believe he doesn’t enjoy my company and I’m sitting with that feeling and would find it hard to see him playful and happy with someone else but maybe it would benefit us all for someone to be around to help. I feel like a terrible failure to be even considering this, I should be able to manage.

So many of us have felt like that. He's physically well (or he wouldn't have the energy to keep crying) which means your succeeding. He's grumpy and unsettled but you're doing everything you possibly can do to help him. You're feeling awful because you're exhausted, but you will come through it.

i Know you said the naps and night sleep are ok but he does genuinely sound overtired to me. The crying after a few short mins of being in any fixed position is a sure sign.
what’s his routine currently?

Cmpa can only be ruled out by removing dairy. The symptoms of nonIGE allergies are nondescript and irritability is absolutely enough of a symptom
My daughter needed high dose omperazole gaviscon and domperidone to treat her silent reflux as well as removing all 20 food allergies from mine and her diets as I was breastfeeding. She is 3.5 now and showing no signs of outgrowing either her allergies or her reflux and is still heavily medicated. Weaning did absolutely nothing nor did her learning to sit up.

We managed to get her on an amino formula at 10 months having been ebf. We had been initially denied formula at 4 months because it would be too difficult to get her on it. At 10 months there was no other option as I was acute unwell and in hospital

My youngest was like this.

I was a wreck!

What did help a lot was learning how to carry him in a soft sling on my back - nice and high up so he was looking over my shoulder and getting an adults eye view of the world! I had him up there basically permanently from 4-18 months. If he wasn't in the high chair or in the bed next to me, he was on my back. He hated being snuggled into my front in a sling and I thought that meant slings were not for us until I discovered this!!