Solidarity from anyone who has or had miserable babies

[Matildasfortune]

Anyone that can give me some light at the end of the tunnel, as I can’t see any yet.

8 month old baby who’s been largely miserable from the off.

• mega witching hours as a newborn
• was extremely unwell and nearly died in that time, I was conditioned to think ‘babies cry’ By everyone around me when it turns out there was a serious medical reason for it.
• will only nap at home, come hell or high water there will be no other naps elsewhere.
• We had a holiday from hell with the non napping baby who cried for the whole week at 4 months old
• Is pretty much unbearable when teething, endless moaning. We have 6 already.
• moans pretty much all day in the house
• moans in the car
• moans after 30 mins in the pushchair
• has been unwell (again) and needed medicine which has caused a bottle aversion.
• moans after ten mins of playing
• moans in high chair
• moans in jumperoo

Baby hates all baby groups, doesn’t really engage or smile at all in them so we do none.

Leaving the house is generally not done as it has to be timed with wake windows and I find the driving and being out with a constsnt moaning or crying baby very stressful.

baby used to smile fairly regularly but now hardly at all.

Does it get better? ❤️‍🩹

It’s so hard. My first was like this. Also had been NICU/ unwell post birth and subsequently miserable. I was also told by everyone that “babies cry, everyone finds their first hard” etc etc and arhat it was normal.

it wasn’t. She was a fucking nightmare. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her to bits, of course I do, but I just wish people would recognise some babies are harder than others. My 2nd is a dream. And no it’s not just because he is the second baby. He slept. You could settle him! He took a dummy! He sat in his pram! The difference was unbelievable and I’m still filled with some rage that some people just have easy babies and never had to go through that hell.

she’s been difficult all the way along, it’s slightly better now she’s nearly 4 but she’s still “different” to other children.

It doesn't sound right to be so miserable all the time and not smiling. Do you think you need to go back to GP?

It does get easier I promise! I had one of those babies too. Got easier when they could move around independently then easier again once they could speak. Some people say ‘it doesn’t get easier just different’ and I think they’re people who had easy babies (I had one easy and one very difficult, the difference was like night and day) so ignore them.

Thank you, I needed this.

I feel dramatic saying it but I’m mentally damaged from people inadvertently gas lighting me when my baby was unwell.

so many friends and family telling me it’s normal and baby is fine and to take them outside in the pram etc etc and giving their unrelatable anecdotes.

Baby then got seriously ill again 2 weeks after the first near death admission and again my family told me the baby was fine on that day and I’m just over anxious.

I have been made to feel anxious and mental and struggling to get over that on top of the constantly moaning baby.

Nobody gives advice or tells me it’s normal any more as they were so wrong at the beginning, which sometimes makes me feel even more alone.

I had a difficult baby too. She got much better around 3, then worse again at 4. Just turned 5 now and she is finally turning into someone I can actually enjoy spending time with!

"She’s been difficult all the way along, it’s slightly better now she’s nearly 4 but she’s still “different” to other children"

My DD was a high needs baby / toddler / young child so this rang out to me. She was diagnosed Autistic last year at the age of 11. When we went through the assessment and I described her high needs / crying / sleep issues / separation anxiety as a baby and small child, it all made sense. I've spent years supporting her and helping her and its exhausting, because she is different. It's a double edged sword, as she needs support and knows this, but hates being seen as different.

I'm not saying that all high needs babies will go on to be diagnosed with Autism, but at least now we have a diagnosis of it, I feel at least there's a reason. Previously I blamed myself for trying too hard or not trying enough.

I’m not surprised you feel mentally damaged from that experience, it sounds so frightening. Of course your family and friends were well meaning - they were trying to make you feel better but so very wrong with huge consequences. Plus the second time round - telling you you were just anxious. Well it’s no wonder you were anxious after the first time! In fact it would have been more concerning if you weren’t anxious after that.

Have you spoken to your GP? You’ve gone through two very traumatic experiences with your baby. I ended up on antidepressants after I had my children, just got a year each time; and they helped me so much. Maybe that’s something, along with therapy you could consider with your doctor?

Oh bless you @Matildasfortune .
That must be so so difficult and wearying.

What do your instincts say?
You are his mum, you will know him best.

Do you think it might be health/ pain related?

It’s very unusual for a child to be so miserable all the time, so I’d suspect pain (?)

My friend has four children ( adult and teens now) but she said one of hers nearly broke them with not sleeping ( for years).

Whingeing and moaning so much does seem to point to discomfort or pain.

Hope you get some better advice, but you’ve probably been to your GP about the possible pain/ crying issue already.

Children do all seem to be very different, even in one family. Some are happy, some are grumpy, but so much grizzling surely can’t be right (?)

Hope you get to the bottom of this, OP.

My third was quite miserable until the age of five. Sometimes she would seem to be crying for no reason and often, if we had a babysitter, they would despair. We didn’t manage to get a photo of her smiling until she started school!

all hell broke loose every morning when she was about 12-18 months because she hated me putting her coat and shoes on, I am sure the neighbours must have contemplated ringing Social Services because of all her crying and the general commotion!!

I had to get out of the house every day for my own sanity, whether she was crying or not

she’s 18 now and still quite hard work, but in different ways!

So sorry you're going through this!
I can relate so much.
My first baby was utterly miserable from the second he was born. The newborn stage in particular was WILD the screaaaming was unbelievable. Everybody else seemed to have these sleepy babies laying happily in the carrycot or sleeping on jolly little pram walks while they chatted to friends, and there was me dealing with this screaming banshee. I kept getting told it was 'just this' or 'just that' that I needed to different so I kept going and would find myself in some horrible positions like pushing my pram up a hill with one hand and holding baby with another while they're screamed blue murder and other mums I'd stupidly met up with looked at me like a train wreck mum who wasn't coping.
All of that was hard enough to deal with but for me what made it TEN TIMES WORSE was the patronising comments, useless unsolicited advice and judgemental looks from strangers, friends, family. Are you finding this?

Because the average baby doesn't behave like that, all these people felt so convinced that I must be doing something 'wrong' and they tried to think back to times when their baby had cried and all the quick fixes that were able to easily settle them and then they would insist this would be a quick fix for me too. They had me trying everything and nothing worked.
It was never ending and nobody at all believed it was my baby.
Once baby didn't respond to their quick fixes they would tell me that it was clearly me (!) that baby could sense I was anxious or my approach was all wrong, all this sort of nonsense. Nobody at all would accept that I just had a bloody difficult baby that was never happy.
If anything I was actually handling it all amazing given the circumstances, dealing with an immensely difficult baby as a first time mum, I threw myself right in there and held it together. I could have done with a few encouraging words, and some recognition for what I was dealing with but nope. I have later seen some of the same parents completely lose their cool over far less stressful behaviour as their little ones turned into toddlers. So actually I was doing really really well but nobody told me that 😞
So please let me tell that what you are going through is valid. You're baby IS harder than other people's. You have not caused it. You are doing amazing. The job you are having to do each day is 10 harder than the parents who have the easy breezy babies. This is not your fault.

I found it useful to join some Facebook groups for high needs babies, so much solidarity to be found on there.

That baby is now 3 and they are still damn hard work I'm sorry to say. But they're also an absolute delight. Utterly hilarious. Their strong-will means they have so much personality and bring so much joy and laughs. There is never a dull moment and I enjoy it so much more now. I would say you will find it gets much much much easier from 18 months once they can start to communicate properly. You will notice it being easier gradually before then too so don't worry if that sounds a long time away.

Hang in there and please just know it's not you, it's your baby! And your baby will be fine.

Also my second baby is a breeze! Which I have found very validating. But people have still tried to invalidate me further saying "don't you think you're just finding it easier cos they're your second baby so you know what you're doing now?"
Erm no, this baby is easy my first baby was insanely difficult, that why it's easier now!

Thand you, that response made me well up a bit as everything you say is just what I’ve experienced.

I had a Velcro baby with pfb - perfectly happy as long as in physical contact with me. Showering going to toilet cooking - was forced into co-sleeping - all major issues was told constantly family it was my fault we'd made her that way.

Next one was very easy baby though had reflux - got difficult later on - and youngest similar to first though no-one tried to make it my fault again.

DD1 is 18 and going though ASD/ADHD assessment after being on waiting list for a while - they think it's very likely she has something.

They all had tantrums later than other kids and did struggle in school but while they all had their moments mostly once we worked with their quirks they were fun.

I personally found other parents met at toddler groups better with support than family.

Though TBF it was my health rather than kids that they mostly dismissed - again people outside the family insisted I get check out - I was literally struggling to walk across a room and being told I was being dramatic and it was usual with colds - were as in actually it was asthma attacks, chest infections and pneumonia.

I empathise OP, I've also been there with a very difficult, fussy, whinging, moaning baby.

I could write a book on my experiences but essentially they were never just 'content'. Very frustrated with the world and not being able to do things. It's like his brain was way ahead of what his body was capable of doing. Mine spoke early too, full blown conversations at 18 months and things got marginally easier, but he was still a right old handful. The pre school years were very challenging.

He's now 9 and is (mostly) awesome! But now we have different things to contend with!

However mine didn't have anything medical going on so it might be an idea to see your GP to talk things through and have your baby thoroughly checked out?

People who haven't been through it just do NOT understand. My MIL used to drive me fucking crazy making cats bum face because he wouldn't just nap in the pushchair or on someone's lap or when it was noisy or too bright etc because apparently 'all babies do' - well, mine fucking didn't despite my best efforts!

Anyway you WILL get through this. It's a slog, but it does pass. In the meantime, perhaps earplugs might help?! I used these when I was about to lose my mind with all horrendous noise, it helped.

My first was exactly like this and would also never want to be held by anyone except me. It was all consuming and suffocating at times. I used to watch other mums in coffee shops with their babies who would happily sleep in the pram or sit with a toy and be gently rocked and I couldn’t understand how they managed to do it. I couldn’t do coffee dates or any socialising because unless I was walking and rocking my daughter would cry. Hated the pram, car, bouncer, cot, walker, basically everything and it felt impossible at times. It does get better, I can’t remember exactly when but there was a turning point when she was over 1 and could engage better, move around etc.

She was just a very unsettled baby and I believed it was something I was doing but since having my second (and parenting in the exact same way), I realise it was not me. My son is very chilled and content and I have not consciously done anything differently. I felt so alone when I was where you are and all I can say is that it will become so much better and this will just be a memory soon.

Sending you strength, people who haven’t had babies like this do not understand the intensity.

I hear you, I had one like this and it was tough in the extreme. Fast forward and they perked up by toddlerhood, and from then on has been a flipping dream, has been the easiest kid. But yes, it's was dire, and very isolating for sure. Agree with the advice to try and find someone else in the same position who feels the same way, if you dig below the surface not everyone's loving it but it's taboo to say so for most people, you're not alone.

Hi OP,

Definitely feel your pain. I had a baby that needed a NICU stay and I was very unwell post birth.

DS was a miserable fucker, he just cried non stop and cried no matter what you did to appease him. The only advice I'll give you is to trust your instinct. Let your instinct dictate how best to respond to your DC and what action is needed and everyone else can fuck right off with their opinion that your DC is just "fine" or normal.

My DC was much better when fully weaned onto solids but most his issues were related to his food allergies (probably related to all the antibiotics he was given when in NICU) and being fucking hungry all the time, around the 12/13 month mark.

Good luck, you've got this

@Matildasfortune @leois
What a wonderful reply that was!
So full of hope and humour and compassion.

It’s a lottery with babies-
As long as basic good care is given and all needs are met, they technically “Ought” to be happy, smiling babas…But clearly not the case!

The “ Baby wrangler “ who thinks they can magically soothe a squalling infant - seen a few of those at baby groups🙂

They take a bawling baby from his exhausted mum, they ask “ Is he wet?” sway and bounce around with the furious child, shhshhhh shhh ing them to no avail, then they hand back the flailing bundle with an apologetic

“ He wants mum!”

Except he still carries on.

Sometimes the tears at the baby groups are from the Mothers, too.

For people suggesting possible ND ( neurodiversity) That is suggested so often ( could he/she be ND?) would it show that young?

Follow your instincts, Matilda.. If you think your baby is in pain or ill- follow it up, especially as he has been so ill in the past.

My eldest was a high needs baby. She was diagnosed with autism at 6.

My heart has always gone out to parents with difficult babies. I can't even imagine how you cope with it. My daughter has a one month old and he is the sweetest, calmest baby. So far, of course. Her close friend has a baby two weeks older and this friend and her husband have been going through literal hell with their baby. It screams the bloody house down nearly all day and night and nothing they do is working. My daughter said her friend is nearly at breaking point, and having witnessed this from the outside, my daughter has already mentioned she doesn't know if she will risk having a second child for fear of having a baby like this. I really don't know what I would have done if my kids were like this. I don't think I would have handled it well at all.

OP, I am so sorry. Having a miserable baby is way tougher than anyone who hasn;t had one understands. It attacks the bond between you, it attacks any shred of confidence you have as a mother, it isolates you form mothers with easier babies. It is a constant and profound source of anxiety.

DS2 was like this. Like your baby he was very ill. He was also autistic which we didn't realise and had a pronounced spinal problem which doctors kept ignoring - which caused him pain in pretty much all positions, especially lying down which is all babies can do at first.

They are in pain. They have no other means of communication. It is really hard on you and them.

My top advice is:

Become a tiger mother about his health. Just decide not to care that doctors think you are fussy, over anxious, attention-seeking. Grow a rhino hide and tunnel vision. Keep asking around. Our break through came when I literally accosted a random doctor in a hospital corridor and said, 'No one is listening to me, my baby is really unwell. I am sick of waiting. Come and look at him!' I literally dragged this poor man by the sleeve. By chance he was a specialist in two of the issues causing DS so much pain and he was superior to the pathetic doctor who was fobbing me off, so he insisted on new medication which helped DS get more comfortable.

My other advice is - if it drives you nuts and there's nothing you can do. take him out in a sling or buggy and walk down main roads with lorries roaring past to drown out the screams or around a park, wearing headphones (be prepared to get filthy looks) Or for a drive with loud music b;aring. not ideal but sometimes you really need a different noise drilling through your skull for your own sanity.

If you can, get help. I had none and I ended up with severe PND. Ask relatives to take him for a walk around the park so you can have an hour totally to yourself, in silence. If your sleep is very disturbed, pay for a night nurse and explain he is a sickly baby who cries a lot. If I had my time again, I'd take out a second mortgage to pay for a medical night nurse. Life is more bearable with sleep.

He outgrew it gradually, but it was a long, slow process. Now he is an adult, loving and so sweet natured, and very resilient.

It's so frustrating that people look to the parent as if it's their fault when they are clearly trying their best. My cousin was a totally and utterly miserable baby and toddler. My grandad called him 'square gob' as his mouth was in a constant square of misery. At no point did anyone blame my aunt and uncle. They did wait about 7 years before their last child due to my cousin's overwhelming high needs. It might not help right now but he is a very nice, happy and well adjusted adult who possesses a sense of humour and has never been seen sporting a square gob since toddlerhood.

It's miserable in the moment (my DD didn't smile or laugh once in babyhood, I just decided I must be really unfunny) and it makes you question everything.

You have my sympathies and you sound like an amazing mum with love shining through your post despite the challenge.

Solidarity OP. Not all babies are the same.

"For people suggesting possible ND ( neurodiversity) That is suggested so often ( could he/she be ND?) would it show that young?"

In a nutshell, yes, but often it's not until later that all the peices are fitted together. This is my take on it:

A high needs baby may not turn into a high needs or SEN child. However, a child who is diagnosed with SEN later down the line can always trace those traits (anxiety / sensory/ sleep / social etc) back to the very early days and it is in fact part of the assessment to do so (they go through pregnancy, birth, milestones etc)

Hope that makes sense. When I say that's my take on it, my DD is diagnosed Autistic as am I. We were both very high needs babies.

Would also like to say I feel everyone's pain when you get friends and family butting in and 'misunderstanding' These were the three that made me want to punch people in the face:

Sister "I don't believe in WEARING babies" (I was trying out a sling so I could, you know, get stuff done)
Friend "I don't believe in co sleeping" (Well, fuck you cos nowt else works)
Neighbour "You're doing it all wrong!!" (Every Fucking Day as I went out again walking for the whole day with the pram.

My mum always said that my older sister was an awful baby. Used to cry 20 hours a day. It was so bad no one would offer to look after her again after doing it once. My mum ended up having me when she was 20 months old and by then finally chilled out alot. Won't lie she's a bit of a pain as an adult!

Families always want to just skate over the horrendous bits, they want to reassure but also maybe they're not willing to take off their rose-tinted glasses. My kids are past baby stage now, it's amazing how you start creating narratives about the happy bits and leaving out the hard stuff. Give it 30 years and I'll think it was all a doddle!

If you think about it, the scale of humanity is massive. Your child is one little drop. Maybe your baby will turn out to have a personality that is demanding but fabulous, like a fashion prima donna or a big business titan etc. People who aren't chill but it serves them well.

I'd want to rule out physical discomfort. Then I'd be researching what you do if you know your child has autism at that age and trying those methods to see if they help. Maybe your child has autism, maybe not - can't hurt to try.

Some individuals just don't like being babies much. It must be so frustrating to be a baby. Some personalities are happy to loll about and watch the world go by, others can't stand not being able to get things for themselves etc.

Some babies are definitely more challenging. It was only when I had my second that I realised why people talk about babies in a positive way - first baby was gorgeous and lovely but hard work.

It's perhaps the hardest thing about motherhood but you know your baby best out of anyone, father included, and your judgment and intuition are usually right. More than once my kids have been saved from serious illness or death because I was determined something was wrong. And you're usually making those judgment calls exhausted, isolated, distressed, with a partner who says it will probably all be fine. It's so hard.