We didn't have any of this in my day

[LuckyMum1989]

Can you please share some of your better responses to statements like "we didn't have any of this in my day".

Not giving a baby honey before they're a year old
No cuddly toys in cots
Not bathing a baby immediately
A friend throwing a baby shower
Baby wearing
On-demand feeding rather than by a clock
Cutting grapes in half/quarters lengthways
Not eating prawns or brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
NCT classes
Car seats

All of these things either in my first pregnancy or this one has had my MIL/FIL saying "we didn't have any of this in my day", "we just had to get on with it", "all these new rules - we just had our kids without all this fuss"

Some of the things above are law, some are strong research-based recommendations from professional bodies (NHS or other), some are personal choice based on compelling evidence but many choose another way (and that is fine), some are just new!

But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.

I am not looking for snarky responses (I confess I daydream about those a little too much!!!) but gentle/funny/kind ways of shutting that down. I'm generally a peaceful person, I don't have loads of crazy tight rules about my DD or my pregnancy but I do follow guidance in general, particularly with regards to safety.

I know previous generations put babies to sleep on their fronts, for example, and many were fine. But I would love to follow guidance and put mine on their bsck without comment from anyone. I am not saying that there weren't LOADS of mums-to-be who ate prawns when pregnant but there's enough evidence to suggest it may be best not to, and that's good enough for me so i avoid them.

I am worried that when DS arrives, I will be so tired that the floodgates will open and all the sarcastic snotty responses will come pouring out and will do damage to our relationship.

So I need some other lines in my repertoire.

Any thoughts?

I like a good, "back when you used wax tablets/rode triceratops to school/discovered fire" with a laugh.

And then do whatever you were going to do.

There are these rules now because babies have died in the past, it’s unlikely to happen but I’m not willing to chance it

"....yeah, and look how dh turned out!! Let's not make that mistake again!" I actually would say that but PIL have a good sense of humour and would laugh. I usually just say something non-commital like "oh, ok" and then carry on with what I'm doing if someone comments on my parenting.

It does get a bit tiresome. I’d probably go for a vague sort of ‘mmm yeah things change all the time don’t they.’ I did once give my PIL a long explanation about breastfeeding and how it’s links to social classes changed over the twentieth and twenty first century and bored them so much they haven’t mentioned it again 😂

I'd just say something like, 'Chances are, it would be fine, but we now know there is a risk associated with (whatever it is), and given how bad the consequences would be, I'd rather not take the chance.'

Then if they mention it again say 'Yes, I'm sure half the things I'm doing now will be wrong by the time I'm a grandparent.'

Lead paint on cots! Not that anyone was saying this was a good thing of course

I just say that we do things differently now and that things will change again by the time my dc have children. My dc are older now but I remember my MIL saying I was being fussy and overprotective for not weaning my 5 month old with mashed potatoes and gravy!

I'm getting these comments by MIL constantly, I bat them off with the same line 'gosh, how things have changed in 40 years!' I think they use it as a type of bonding chit chat but I can't stand it and just see it as interfering.

@LuckyMum1989 The one I remember from personal experience was MIL when DS was being EBF we went to stay - saying I have got some formula milk - it worked with you (DH ) and it might give Basilisk a rest. To which DH replied - our midwife and current advice is BF if you can . End of conversation

I would just say to anyone - we all do things in our own way and we will do ours according to advice and personal choice. ( could be phrased better but I think you get my point )

‘Yes I think improvement in safety is fantastic when it comes to our children. Just look at the Back to Sleep campaign.’

My mum was the one who butted in with helpful comments. I’ll admit, I just learned to block it all out. I would nod and smile and crack on with my way. Potty training was the biggest laugh. She used to go on about how you could start them as soon as they could sit up. Yes mum, <nods, smiles, ignores>!

You nod and smile, this is only the beginning of unsolicited comments from everyone under the sun.

Also, you don't say too much, because one day some of their outdated advice might save you. You honestly just never know!

Point out they probably did things differently to their parents? And they followed the advice of the time...

Thanks all - I think they genuinely believe that parenting has been the same for generations and people just make a load of fuss about it now!

I have no idea what advice they followed that may have been controversial to their parents at the time.

Actually, I used to sit mine on the potty as soon as they could sit, just to get them used to it. It wasn't then some weird scary thing I suddenly introduced into their lives.

Dhs grandmother was like that. I always just said "yeah it's good isn't it?!" With a smile as if I we are on the same page that it's so nice to have this extra thing to keep babies safe/celebrate them or whatever.

Things have changed massively since I had my first child in 1980 though! We were told that babies should be put to sleep on their fronts. Just 10 years later my sister was told that had to be on their sides. When my first grandson was born the advice was that they should be on their backs.

There was guidance on not drinking alcohol or smoking during pregnancy, but nothing about rare meat, brie etc. Certainly no guidance on cutting up grapes, but there was a lot more reliance on baby food in tins or jars I think.

Your PIL are wrong to sneer at current guidance, but they are not wrong in that things were done very differently 40 or so years ago. I just do the things the way my grandchildren's parents want them done... but I confess I do sometimes say that things were done very differently when they were young (both my babies survived 😊). I don't ever say they were better back then, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of the current guidance is turned around completely in the next 10 years.

Get over it

This is the startling and undeniable statistic from the SIDS campaign:
"The Lullaby Trust says putting babies to sleep on their back and people not smoking around them are the single most significant factors in preventing cot death.
It said in 1989 there were 1,545 SIDS cases in the UK. This fell to 647 in 1992, the year after the Back to Sleep campaign launched in 1991.
In 2014 there were 128 SIDS cases, testimony that the campaigns aimed at reducing SIDS worked."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-37908627

People used to accept all kinds of illnesses, injuries, deaths because it is what happened at the time. But then some research and education and improvement happens and lives improve. People used to rub cocaine on the gums of teething babies because it worked.

And yes I also went with smile, nod, ignore. I also point out that there are many fewer childhood deaths and serious injuries.

The Back to Sleep Campaign now means that the most horrific prevalence of death in young babies is actually stillbirth.

Hence the campaigns around dispelling myths around babies run out of room at the end, the go quiet just before labour starts, change in movements is nothing to be concerned about etc.

"Yes, times have changed form the better" then a long pause to signify the conversation is over. Do it again and again until the message has got through.

Gender reveals....i honestly think meh

"Baby wearing" has existed since the cave women invented cloth 😂
As for the other things - well research has taught us what is safe/not safe and technology exists that didn't in the past (ie having scans). Any response to that should be "yes isn't it brilliant".
Point out some of the Victorian practices - giving babies laudenam (spelling?) for teething - basically heroin! People bought it at the local chemist.
Perfectly normal in those days. Would we do it now? (I hope not).

So ask.
Next time they say ' there was none of this in my day' reply with something like ' I know! It's crazy how things change with time isn't it? What rules were there when your kids were babies? '
Make it into a conversation.

So many times on here, advice is to make things confrontational but it us not always the best way!