We didn't have any of this in my day

[LuckyMum1989]

Can you please share some of your better responses to statements like "we didn't have any of this in my day".

Not giving a baby honey before they're a year old
No cuddly toys in cots
Not bathing a baby immediately
A friend throwing a baby shower
Baby wearing
On-demand feeding rather than by a clock
Cutting grapes in half/quarters lengthways
Not eating prawns or brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
NCT classes
Car seats

All of these things either in my first pregnancy or this one has had my MIL/FIL saying "we didn't have any of this in my day", "we just had to get on with it", "all these new rules - we just had our kids without all this fuss"

Some of the things above are law, some are strong research-based recommendations from professional bodies (NHS or other), some are personal choice based on compelling evidence but many choose another way (and that is fine), some are just new!

But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.

I am not looking for snarky responses (I confess I daydream about those a little too much!!!) but gentle/funny/kind ways of shutting that down. I'm generally a peaceful person, I don't have loads of crazy tight rules about my DD or my pregnancy but I do follow guidance in general, particularly with regards to safety.

I know previous generations put babies to sleep on their fronts, for example, and many were fine. But I would love to follow guidance and put mine on their bsck without comment from anyone. I am not saying that there weren't LOADS of mums-to-be who ate prawns when pregnant but there's enough evidence to suggest it may be best not to, and that's good enough for me so i avoid them.

I am worried that when DS arrives, I will be so tired that the floodgates will open and all the sarcastic snotty responses will come pouring out and will do damage to our relationship.

So I need some other lines in my repertoire.

Any thoughts?

How about 'Yes, the advice to parents changes all the time, doesn't it?' Or 'Yes, knowledge is always being updated, isn't it?'

My in-laws were the same. It causes a huge fall out! If they were baby sitting MIL absolutely did not get changing nappies when nappies needed changing. It had to be dictated by the clock.

So she would change totally clean nappies and comment that it didn't look like it needed changing! But because it was 10am it had to be done.

Drove me batshit!!!

Also as soon as baby was born it was in-laws number one priority that we had to go to bank and get it a bank account, they were literally sweating buckets about it as he'd been on planet earth five days and no account! And there was me worrying about doing a poo and if it would hurt!!!

With the exception of the honey thing which I may have missed because we were all avoiding peanuts when my DC were babies there is nothing in your list that differs from the advice that was given to me. If your username reflects your year of birth then I’m a few years behind your ILs but the only thing I can think of that had changed from their time was not using cot bumpers. NCT, baby wearing, demand feeding etc was all around but we didn’t call it baby wearing and very few of my friends went to NCT classes because the community midwives ran excellent ante natal classes and we couldn’t see the point of paying.

The biggest differences between then and now is the recommended age for weaning which has risen from 3/4 months and maternity leave isn’t limited to 40 weeks any more.

I remember dummies being dipped in what ever tipple was being consumed at the time.
Car seats facing the wrong way, family who had cars without seat belts. My dad always insisted we had a car with belts because he'd seen what can happen in accidents.
My in laws never had safety gates, which I always found a bit anxiety inducing. I used to hate visiting because of this. I remember MIL coaxing SIL to have a drink when she was pregnant. I'm very stubborn so it was always, "no I'll do it this way, thanks."

My DD is 38. I was told by my midwife to lie baby on her tummy. By the time I had DS just 2 years later I was told never to lie baby on his tummy. Lie him on his side.
Years ago baby rice was introduced with a bit of milk at 12-16 weeks then gradually added a bit of puree carrot or banana before moving on to blended vegetables now it's all baby fed weaning but not until 6 months with solid chunks of food. Just to be sure I check with my DD what she wants me to do with DGC. I was able to show her 3 different ways to fold a cloth nappy though.

Gosh. And yet AGAIN its the in laws, more specifically the MiLs spouting shite.
Are parents of women immune to cocking up?
As the in law to a fab woman and a wonderful man, I get so pissed off with all the anti in law posts.
Amazingly, we managed to raise the partner you're living with.....
And yes, I have been known to say 'ooh, that's changed since my day'. So what?

Extended breastfeeding and rear facing carseats, putting baby down in the cot in the 'feet to foot' position.Having to make bottles up on the spot, rather than making up the bottles of water earlier, keeping them sitting ready then adding the milk when needed (although I do know some people who still do this)
Weaning at 6mths.

Yeah my MIL used to do this all the time. I'm not even a precious parent as far as I know but she'd take anything we did differently to her as a personal insult and wouldn't drop it and would use any opportunity to make PA remarks. I couldn't stand it and just told her it was deeply annoying and could she please stop 😝

I was in a carrycot on the back seat

I had my first 50 years ago. There were no pregnancy tests. I couldn't register with a midwife until I'd missed two periods, but I had a huge bleed when my first period was missed, so got a bit behind with that. We had no idea of how many weeks and days our babies were measuring, so didn't worry. We didn't know about chemical pregnancies, we were just late sometimes. We had no idea if our babies would be viable when born. (I was convinced my baby would die at birth.)

I did go to ante natal classes where I was told contractions wouldn't hurt if I breathed through them. Therefore the delivery was a huge shock.

My baby was bathed within ten minutes of birth. She was taken off to a nursery and I didn't see her until the next day. She had two bottles that night, but I breastfed without problems. I had no difficulty bonding with her. We took her out in the car lying in a carrycot across the back seat. At six weeks I added my milk to some baby rice for her bedtime feed which settled her nicely. I followed the strict guideline of putting her on her front to sleep and in a large cot from day one, in her own room. A cot bumper was thought essential. We didn't have baby alarms or cameras.

I didn't know anyone whose child was still in nappies at two and a half. We all wanted to send our DC to playgroup and they had to be clean and dry by then to be allowed to go.

I have been a hands on grandma, doing loads of childcare and have fully adapted to current thinking. Grandparents who don't are just being awkward imo. I've still stuck with getting them out of nappies by 2.5 without issues though.

With my first I was told to wake her every three hours to feed, she was early and losing weight so needed to feed.... the number of times my own parents told me "you don't wake a sleeping baby" I just used to say I wish I didn't have to, believe me I'd love some sleep, but unfortunately she needs fattening up

I'd say 'I'm following current advice, that's all you can do isn't it? And I'd like you to follow it too'

But really, they've got a point that the ethos of childrearing has changed and the appetite for any kind of risk has decreased hugely. Result is probably way fewer unnecessary child deaths and injuries, but also probably higher anxiety levels in both parents and children.

Because you've got to watch them and think what harm they could come to the whole time, and kids don't learn to just explore and take sensible risks by themselves. Which they did in the days schoolchildren went off playing on bombsites or in the woods etc!

These things go in cycles, probably your kids will have some freewheeling ethos where their children go out to play in the street and you find it crazy.

I read a good book called dream babies that goes over the history of child raising advice way back to medieval times - it definitely goes in cycles of how much you try to exert control and how much you sit back and let things take their course.

I grew up round babies as my mother was a childminder

I grew up and became a nanny and then a mum-so have been round a few babies

My ds and his girlfriend are having my first grandchild and I just have to accept I know nothing about having or bringing up babies as its not my baby!

I'll be here for advice if they ask but advice has changed since I had my first (almost 27 years ago!)

I do want to go back in time and tell my own mother to fuck off as she'd brought up 4 of us and frankly,it's a major miracle we made it to adulthood

She thought babies sleeping on their backs was daft,cuddling your baby was 'stupid',weaning should start with baby rice and weetabix and should start the second they hit 6 weeks,car sears where daft (she moaned like hell over seatbelts),duvets where a good idea (along with baby walkers and those cot things that tied to the top end of a cot-it was proved babies could get tangled up in them-'but they look so pretty!'),babies should sleep in a bed from 7-9 months,smoking wasnt 'that bad'(neither was being pissed round baby),baby rice should be added to bottles,bathing a baby should be done as soon as their heads popped out,stitches where for woman who (and I quote) 'couldn't give birth properly',any issues with breastfeeding where the fault of the mum,babies should wear hard shoes from a week old and whisky or rum should be given for teething or illness

Oh and dummies where the work of the devil,along with disposable nappies,straps on pushchairs and blankets and hats where a waste of time ('a pramsuit is enough!')

I never left my baby with her even though she demanded sleepovers every week from day 3

Fucking batshit

The issue is MIL are imparting their 'wisdom' without the DIL requesting it...
You may think your DIL is fab and afford her the respect she deserves but many cannot rung themselves to do this. Instead they just endlessly berate, undermine and pry unnecessarily. Those ones really ought to stop treating their gc like a hobby!

"And I'm sure your parents said that same thing about sterilising bottles and not using lead paint in the nursery!"

I always go with “oh I’m sure baby would be fine if we did/didn’t do x/y/z but now I know doing a/b/c is better for baby/safer I have to do it, I don’t like going against the rules”. It seems to shut the topic down and satisfy whoever I’m talking to that I’m not criticising their way of doing things.

You can eat prawns

With the exception of the honey thing which I may have missed because we were all avoiding peanuts when my DC were babies there is nothing in your list that differs from the advice that was given to me. If your username reflects your year of birth then I’m a few years behind your ILs but the only thing I can think of that had changed from their time was not using cot bumpers. NCT, baby wearing, demand feeding etc was all around but we didn’t call it baby wearing and very few of my friends went to NCT classes because the community midwives ran excellent ante natal classes and we couldn’t see the point of paying

This. I had my children early 80s. I carried them round in a sling. A lot of people I knew with babies in the 70s carried them in a sling too so it's been around a good few decades. Also had local midwives running ante natal classes. All the posh ladies went to NCT.

Point them to the decline in infant mortality since 1980 on The office of national statistics website

Is pretty definite why these guidelines exist

At least they take notice of you though .Surely this is the point .Baby advice has changed so much over the years , Probably will again no doubt! My Nan used to say every 4 hours and often babe would be at the bottom of the garden!

Do they really do the 'in my day' thing about cutting up grapes - the things (IIRC) which are the number one cause of choking in children? If so, they are very, very stupid.

Where's the advice about prawns?

Don’t eat them? Though that advice goes for everyone, not just babies…

"when we know better, we do better"

That should cover you for most of them.