We didn't have any of this in my day

[LuckyMum1989]

Can you please share some of your better responses to statements like "we didn't have any of this in my day".

Not giving a baby honey before they're a year old
No cuddly toys in cots
Not bathing a baby immediately
A friend throwing a baby shower
Baby wearing
On-demand feeding rather than by a clock
Cutting grapes in half/quarters lengthways
Not eating prawns or brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
NCT classes
Car seats

All of these things either in my first pregnancy or this one has had my MIL/FIL saying "we didn't have any of this in my day", "we just had to get on with it", "all these new rules - we just had our kids without all this fuss"

Some of the things above are law, some are strong research-based recommendations from professional bodies (NHS or other), some are personal choice based on compelling evidence but many choose another way (and that is fine), some are just new!

But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.

I am not looking for snarky responses (I confess I daydream about those a little too much!!!) but gentle/funny/kind ways of shutting that down. I'm generally a peaceful person, I don't have loads of crazy tight rules about my DD or my pregnancy but I do follow guidance in general, particularly with regards to safety.

I know previous generations put babies to sleep on their fronts, for example, and many were fine. But I would love to follow guidance and put mine on their bsck without comment from anyone. I am not saying that there weren't LOADS of mums-to-be who ate prawns when pregnant but there's enough evidence to suggest it may be best not to, and that's good enough for me so i avoid them.

I am worried that when DS arrives, I will be so tired that the floodgates will open and all the sarcastic snotty responses will come pouring out and will do damage to our relationship.

So I need some other lines in my repertoire.

Any thoughts?

"We know better now."
Not all parents do this. I've had to bite my lip often with my daughter and her children so I don't overstep the line. I never offer advice unless I'm asked

Not my quote.
The days when women just got on with it because they done it better then men.

My MIL tried to insist that because I was breastfeeding, I could y possibly know if they'd had enough so should top up with sugar water.
I just told her 'no, this is our baby and we're not doing that'

Until she got the message.

Things are always changing. Once upon a time children didn't go to school and were sent up chimneys. Some things are just fads, but mostly there's a good reason for the changes.

Babywearing has been around as long as there have been babies.

@baileybrosbuildingandloan Good grief!!!!

No washing machines?? How old are your in-laws? My grandmother was born in 1913 and they had a copper, then a top loader from the 1950s. DM had a “normal” washing machine in the 70s.

I used cloth nappies with DS (7 years ago) - they just felt nicer than sweaty plastic against his bum. More like clothes. The bin full of plastic nappies stank as well, the cloth ones were just so much nicer. Never leaked either.

I always used to counter with the fact we had higher rates of infant mortality

I like "Yeah you're right, times have changed" as it's not defensive and it's sort of agreeing with them. You could continue with now we know a lot more about cot deaths or something to back up what you're doing.

I've heard that the statistics of cot death are much lower now because babies are put on their backs to sleep. I can well believe it!

I think sometimes there is tension because you doing things differently than your parents/ILs can feel like criticism.
'I'm doing it this way because I think it is the best way' can imply 'your different way therefore was inferior'.

The ILs/parents might therefore feel criticised every time you do something differently than they did, and react defensively (which is a very natural reaction). Them defending 'their way' may in turn make you feel criticised (and defensive!)

Or maybe the ILs/parents are not taking it as criticism at all, but you are worried that you are implicitly criticising them every time you knowingly do something differently than they did. And therefore interpret their reactions defensively.

Either way, I found with my mum that it helped to spell it out. One day we had a chat, I said I had read in a magazine that often the grandparents felt that when the parents made different choices, they were criticising the grandparents' choices. And I just wanted to let her know that that was never my intention. That I genuinely believed that she did the best she could given the advice and knowledge at the time, and always had our (her kids') best interests at heart. So if and when I chose to do something differently, I was never implying that she had done it wrongly. Only that advice, knowledge, and perhaps circumstances were different, so obviously I might reach different conclusions.

After this I never worried that I might be offending her, so when she mentioned something that she had done differently, I was able to see that it was mostly curiosity and musing, observing, rather than her implying that her way was better and mine 'wrong'.
And I do believe she didn't feel criticised by my different choices (though she might not have been anyway), which helped her not to feel defensive about them.

Spelling it out really can help!

To those who asked - ILs are 72.
My DH is 36. They were a "forces family" so split childhood between UK and abroad depending on where they were based. I have no idea what was around and they were not exposed to / didn't follow and what is new 🤷🏼‍♀️

I really like some of these- I find the conversation of how things have changed and developed really fascinating. My own DM says similar things but it's all "amazing! We didn't know any of this when I had you! I wonder what will change in the next 30 years" and it leads to really interesting conversations. It's never in a negative way. Just curious and supportive.

As I said in my OP, I am really keen on anything that isn't snarky (or overly defensive/confrontational) because there is such value in these conversations and in understanding how previous generations did things. And who wants unnecessary conflict?!

I really like the suggestions about talking positively about it "yes, it's good isn't it?" / "amazing what we know now" etc.

I take a PPs point about not letting their attitude affect how I'm feeling. I probably am too oversensitive and although I know it's guidance not to give a honey sandwich to a 8 month old, like you might a jam sandwich, I can be confident in my decision to say no while still wishing it wasn't to a backdrop of "eye-roll - another new "rule" - this whole thing is stupid. MY kids were fine. She's just making things harder for herself".

When tired/post-partum hormonal, it's hard not to react internally (and at times, externally). I found it hard with DD and am mentally preparing for it to be similar with DS.

Some really helpful suggestions here. Thankyou.

I'd respond with a cheery and light 'aye, advice is always changing. Who knows what it'll be like if these (babies) ever have children' and then move on.

@movingnorthsoon thank you!! You've excellently broken that down and sounds like it's made a positive difference to you and your family.

"well, things change" or "well, things move on with knowledge and science, don't they?"

@movingnorthsoon - that's a really good point.
I think I'll definitely have that conversation!

I’m a great believer and very thankful for medical advancements and NHS guidelines are the result of this research and expertise. I’d be silly not to listen to it!

Actually, I used to sit mine on the potty as soon as they could sit, just to get them used to it. It wasn't then some weird scary thing I suddenly introduced into their lives

Me too. And consequently both were reliably clean and dry around 22 - 24 months without me having to do very much work or encouraging them. It comes pretty naturally.

"It's crazy to think people used to drive babies around without car seats, isn't it?"

"It's so tragic to think of the babies that died before they'd conducted all the safer sleeping research."

Unless your PILs are in their 80s or older, I would be amazed if they didn't have at least the following "in their day":

Baby wearing (or at least babies in slings)
On-demand feeding
Not eating brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
NCT classes
Car seats

Because we certainly had all of those in the 1980s, and people who were parents then will be around 60-75 now. It might be worth specifically challenging them about assertions like that.

"That's why infant mortality was so high back then"

"It was also legal to drink drive back then!"

"Parents" are extremely lazy, selfish and entitled nowadays, as a result you see what their little darlings are turning into.
Try to ask a young woman to do a bit of physical work or endure a bit of discomfort, let alone some self discipline. They would crumble.
Glad I checked out of this crap years ago.
Full stop.

Okay so say this is 40 years ago when they were bringing up their child. That would make it 1983. Did they really think things hadn't changed between 1943 and 1983? Or between 1903 and 1943? 40 years is a hell of a long time in terms of scientific research and health standards.

What’s wrong with prawns when pregnant?’

Research has moved on very quickly. They are right of course ..they didnt have them and 99.9% of time all was well so naturally they are incredulous at what is the norm now. Just as their parents were too.

No idea why you are allowing well meaning comments to upset you

i also guarantee that you will not be as strict on these by the time you have your next baby