We didn't have any of this in my day

[LuckyMum1989]

Can you please share some of your better responses to statements like "we didn't have any of this in my day".

Not giving a baby honey before they're a year old
No cuddly toys in cots
Not bathing a baby immediately
A friend throwing a baby shower
Baby wearing
On-demand feeding rather than by a clock
Cutting grapes in half/quarters lengthways
Not eating prawns or brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
NCT classes
Car seats

All of these things either in my first pregnancy or this one has had my MIL/FIL saying "we didn't have any of this in my day", "we just had to get on with it", "all these new rules - we just had our kids without all this fuss"

Some of the things above are law, some are strong research-based recommendations from professional bodies (NHS or other), some are personal choice based on compelling evidence but many choose another way (and that is fine), some are just new!

But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.

I am not looking for snarky responses (I confess I daydream about those a little too much!!!) but gentle/funny/kind ways of shutting that down. I'm generally a peaceful person, I don't have loads of crazy tight rules about my DD or my pregnancy but I do follow guidance in general, particularly with regards to safety.

I know previous generations put babies to sleep on their fronts, for example, and many were fine. But I would love to follow guidance and put mine on their bsck without comment from anyone. I am not saying that there weren't LOADS of mums-to-be who ate prawns when pregnant but there's enough evidence to suggest it may be best not to, and that's good enough for me so i avoid them.

I am worried that when DS arrives, I will be so tired that the floodgates will open and all the sarcastic snotty responses will come pouring out and will do damage to our relationship.

So I need some other lines in my repertoire.

Any thoughts?

Yes, I used to say cheerfully, ‘Yes, back when dinosaurs walked the earth’ and get on with whatever I was doing without paying the slightest attention.

If I were to speak the truth as I see it, to my parents or PILs, it would be more along the lines of ‘Well, you had far more children than you could afford, economically or emotionally, so your idea of parenting had to be rough and ready because you were focused on survival in two damp rooms over a shop — this still doesn’t make it good practice’, so I don’t say that, obviously.

Absolutely this, no need for snippy comments or to even discuss it with anyone, this is your baby to bring up as you see fit. Just smile and change the subject. Or ask MIL about what it was like for her when she had her babies, she might like to reminisce and you and she may bond over this.

I wish we had had the knowledge and information available now when I had my babies 40 & 50 years ago.

BTW, I'm in my 70s and we had NCT, it's not new.

How old are they? I have a child in his 20s and did all of that when he was a newborn. my MIL only commented on the sleeping position change being different (she raised children when side sleeping was the official advice) and only feeding milk from bottles (they were told to add risks to fill baby up for longer)

Everything you’ve mentioned with the exception of gender reveal and baby showers were a thing when I had my children 20 years ago.

I think if you haven’t got small children, these things are not on your radar.

i remember getting told off by an elderly lady on the bus because i was wearing heels and was 6 months pregnant. I just smiled and rolled my eyes as i walked away.

DM wasn’t too bad when DS was a baby, but now he is 7 she seems to think I am being silly insisting on a car seat - she uses one but clearly thinks she is indulging my overprotectiveness, and not just… the law.

“Well yes but there’s been a lot more research since then.”

I found that made DM more defensive! So I just used to say “look the guidance has changed, I’m not enough of an expert to know why, so I’m just following the advice I’ve been given, just like you did. Maybe it’ll have changed back again by the time DS has kids”.

This is one of the many phrases I never use! (Other than ironically)
And anyway, it changes all the time; there's less than three years between mine and I was given different advice about weaning and whether they slept on their side, back or even tummy.

I agree with ineedtoletoffsteam that I wish we'd had the knowledge they've got now when mine were babies.
I find that I learn a lot from my daughters in law. And I also find that the nanny has different ideas from my daughter in law (and me)

Just say 'advice has changed'

(Though I admit to be very bemused/not convinced by the predictability of developmental leaps stuff.)

"Well we're not in your day anymore, are we?"

I wondered this too, I have children in their early 30s and most of these things were a thing back then too.

I remember my exMIL saying she used to feed exDH every 4 hours because he was a twin and the other twin was every 4 hours. Even though she was told by the midwife that he needed feeding every 3 hours as he was smaller. That was too much hard work for her. So she fed them both every 4hours. No sooner had she said that she then announced that he was always crying, very upset baby. I just wanted to scream “THATS BECAUSE HE WAS HUNGRY!!” This was all because I fed on demand…which in her opinion was nonsense.

“Yes, well, we like to keep our children alive and well now, not send up them the chimneys to die whilst working like in your days.”

Well they must’ve been doing something right. Today’s children are very delayed and unhappy, so modern parenting practices can’t be all they’re cracked up to be?

Prawns is only an issue if uncooked

Cloth nappies though! Without washing machines! I have to give it to my mother on that score.
What do you mean about not bathing baby? You mean right after it's born? One midwife complained that my baby had NOT been bathed (and did it).
Baby wearing - you mean like a sling? Baby wearing is an awful phrase.
I'm sure there were antenatal classes - my mum went to some in the 1960s - don't they show them on Call the Midwife?
Anyway just smile and say 'really? Gosh things have moved on then!'

This. Don't overthink it, be polite but it's what folk always say. In another 30 years you'll be saying similar to your children, for sure.

"We didn't seatbelts either, MIL!"

WTF?!! How old are your ILs?!! I’m a GP and all those things were normal when my 20 something DC were born except baby showers (in the UK). Even baby showers existed - I remember reading ideas for baby shower games in parenting magazines when I was pregnant. I don’t think they were common but some people did have them and everyone knew what they were from American films.

My DM is in her 80s and she went to NCT classes in the 70s! She also EBF on demand and did baby wearing, although it wasn’t called that. Baby wearing has been around for millennia anyway but there was certainly a trend for it in the 60s/70s amongst hippyish types.

This , mine are early 30s and mid 20s and we did 90% of that . Weaning age has changed and rear facing in the car for longer but that’s about all .

My eldest is almost 34 and almost all of the advice on your list was the same then. Back to sleep was introduced ( sadly) within a year, although I wouldn’t have put my baby on his front in any case. They must be going well back if to argue with most of that.

As above, mine are 30 and 27 and with the exception of finding out the sex (not gender) of the child all were a thing. Whilst we didn’t have formal baby showers with Instagram and 50 guests we did have a “leaving do” at work with food, presents and balloons it just didn’t have shower in the name.

I have a 20 yeat age gap with mine so when I was told not to bathe baby for a week, I was confused!

Turns out that this is because a baby is born with this delicious, intoxicating scent that washes off in the bath and never comes back..

Do please, don't wash your newborns! Or put hats on their heads after birth. Just breathe in that smell. It is full of delicious hormones to help you bond.

I’m a grandmother and I feel fortunate that I didn’t have my kids in the present day. None of my five boys would sleep unless they were on their tummy (interestingly my eldest granddaughter wouldn’t sleep unless on her front either, but her mother felt guilt over it whereas I didn’t because nobody knew the dangers). I weaned mine early because they just seemed hungry all the time. My 5th boy refused the breast at 3 months, and wouldn’t take a bottle either. He just didn’t seem to like milk. So I mixed it with baby rice or rusk and spoon fed it. He was happy to drink Milupa Fennel from a bottle, just not milk. He turned out to be on the spectrum so that may have been something to do with it. I was aware of and worried about cot death but we were told not to lie our babies on their backs in case they choked on their vomit! My sister in law stopped sterilising bottles when her son was 3 months old. She was very much under the influence of her own mother and did everything the old fashioned way. She even propped bottles in the pram on folded blankets so her son could self feed. I don’t think, apart from weaning and sleeping positions, that things have changed drastically since I had my kids in the 80s, I looked after my grandkids a lot as babies and it wasn’t all that different. The bottles and dummies were a different shape but mixing formula was just the same.

This phrase stood out to me “But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.”

I think it would clearly be helpful for you to have some more gentle ways of saying “bugger off with your outdated comments” BUT I also think you can look at yourself and try and work out why you are letting their comments upset you to the point that you have posted on MN for some support. What can you do to bolster your self confidence around your parenting decisions so that their comments can just be ignored and you dont feel undermined or criticised?

Your feelings are just that, your feelings. No one can reach inside you and flick a switch to make you feel or not feel a certain way. This is within your control if you want to figure it out.