We didn't have any of this in my day

[LuckyMum1989]

Can you please share some of your better responses to statements like "we didn't have any of this in my day".

Not giving a baby honey before they're a year old
No cuddly toys in cots
Not bathing a baby immediately
A friend throwing a baby shower
Baby wearing
On-demand feeding rather than by a clock
Cutting grapes in half/quarters lengthways
Not eating prawns or brie when pregnant
Knowing the gender of a baby
Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
NCT classes
Car seats

All of these things either in my first pregnancy or this one has had my MIL/FIL saying "we didn't have any of this in my day", "we just had to get on with it", "all these new rules - we just had our kids without all this fuss"

Some of the things above are law, some are strong research-based recommendations from professional bodies (NHS or other), some are personal choice based on compelling evidence but many choose another way (and that is fine), some are just new!

But my ILs are incredibly dismissive of anything that wasn't the case when they were in the baby years. They will do as we ask (so we don't have the problems many MNers seem to!) but I feel undermined and criticised for the most basic things- even though I know I am confident in my decisions most of the time.

I am not looking for snarky responses (I confess I daydream about those a little too much!!!) but gentle/funny/kind ways of shutting that down. I'm generally a peaceful person, I don't have loads of crazy tight rules about my DD or my pregnancy but I do follow guidance in general, particularly with regards to safety.

I know previous generations put babies to sleep on their fronts, for example, and many were fine. But I would love to follow guidance and put mine on their bsck without comment from anyone. I am not saying that there weren't LOADS of mums-to-be who ate prawns when pregnant but there's enough evidence to suggest it may be best not to, and that's good enough for me so i avoid them.

I am worried that when DS arrives, I will be so tired that the floodgates will open and all the sarcastic snotty responses will come pouring out and will do damage to our relationship.

So I need some other lines in my repertoire.

Any thoughts?

LOVED that your DH was the one to say this!

WHAT?

‘In your day, infant mortality was X. Now it is Y. There is probably a link.’

Said with an eye roll.

https://www.macrotrends.net/countries/GBR/united-kingdom/infant-mortality-rate#:~:text=The%20infant%20mortality%20rate%20for%20U.K.%20in%202021%20was%203.507,a%202.39%25%20decline%20from%202020.

Pretty scary statistics, actually.

Down from almost 20 per 1000 to about 3 per 1000.

Down from almost 20 per 1000 to about 3 per 1000.

That is in reference to ‘their day’ based on your husband’s approximate age.

This. But also accept its always changing as more information is known

I think you’ve misread the graph. Infant mortality in 1987/8 was 9, currently it is 4 (both figures rounded) per 1000 live births.

Those figures include neonatal mortality rates though (deaths in the first 28 days). Advances in medical care of babies born very sick or prematurely is a big factor in reducing those numbers rather than cutting up grapes. Really you would need to look specifically at the reduction in mortality (and injuries) from those specific measures for an accurate picture eg the number of cases of botulism from honey in babies in 1988 compared to 2023 (only 17 cases in the UK since 1978 when the first case was diagnosed).

That said, I am not against of the misuse of statistics to win an argument against ignorant ILs if they are being difficult about following current health and safety advice.

Shrug and ignore. Although I also massively roll my eyes at any mention of baby showers and Higher predictability of fussiness atound developmental leaps
is nonsense.

"Oh, how interesting" with a bland smile.

It's probably in part a desire to reminisce about her own baby days. Bet I'll do the same to my hypothetical future DILs! Hopefully I'll get the tone right.

Of course, if they refuse to follow guidance when looking after your children or undermine you in front of them... that's another matter. Then you may have to get tough. I had a few issues with my MIL in that regard and I did have to stand my ground and live with the consequences - she went no contact with me for over a year. Not that I was complaining!

My DMum hasbeen known to comment on the changes in guidance, but she also abides by my rules. She's just curious.

It's that balance of not saying "yes and that's that explains death" and "please don't put my baby at risk"

The only person I had it off was my nan and second hand via my mum who did a brilliant job. My nan is adamant that smoking through pregnancy didn't harm any of her children. My dad was born 3 months early weighing 1kg and was deemed "on the edge of life" for that time. My nan went home to grieve for her son and they would let her know when he died.
When I was a teenager I watched her give my cousin an inhaler for an asthma attack with one hand and smoking a cigarette in the other hand.
My nan refused to breastfeed (as is her perogative) I do wonder if her experience with my dad contributed. He was 8 weeks old when he came home by which point he was settled on condensed milk. I would love to see a midwives face if you did this now! When my daughter was diagnosed with cmpa and other allergies and I had to go on a crazy diet my nan was insistent that I put her on formula as it's not milk it's formula. 🤨 I did eventually move to formula but very much was a completely dairy free one.

My mil was pushing sleep training my daughter at 10monthsish as that's what they did with his brother when he would wake up and come and find them until my partner pointed out that if he was a. Walking and b. Not in a cot there was a good chance he was quite about older that our daughter. They were only saying it to be helpful as it helped them but timelines go awry with age.

One of the women at work insists she weaned one of her sons at 6 weeks as he sat on her lap and stole from her plate. I held my tongue about her 6 week old with exception hand eye coordination! Maybe it was 16 weeks who knows!

When my mum and her sister were having children. My mum coslept and her sister insisted on putting her son back to bed every time and one night kept a tally chart of 50. Yes 5-0. Returns to bed.

Since their daughter had her children a few years ago they go on and on about the benefits of cosleeping and how that's how you would have slept as a cave family and it's how other mammals sleep. Completely ignoring how awful they made my mum feel for doing the same. She smiles and nods along. How great etc.

Give it a few years and maybe you mother's /MIL will be raving to other people how a newer way of doing something is better than they had it. We definitely had this from my mum and mil with regards to cloth nappies.

Whoops. I misread her DH’s age by 10 years. There is a dramatic drop in 10 years!

And yes, I am aware that the statistics include more than just cutting up grapes.

But I still think this is a quick and effective way to shut down an unwanted conversation.