My child is a bully

[Iknowjustthething]

It’s really hard, and I worry all the time I caused it. He was a very aggressive toddler but I kept reading it was normal. Now he’s 3 and a half. He often just takes a dislike to a random child and targets them. Of course I take him away but it never has a lasting effect. Sometimes we go a while without any incidents then it starts again. I worry he’s going to cause serious harm to his baby sister.

I am not necessarily posting for advice as have tried pretty much everything after months / years of worrying about this and I think I’m just at the point now where I think it’s just his personality.

If you really believe your child is a bully then speak to your health visitor or equivalent. It doesn't sound like he's just being boisterous so credit to you for admitting theor might be a issue. Is he at nursery or similar? What are the consequences when he targets a child? Hows his development? Has others noticed the bullying?
Main thing no matter what he's only 3.5yo and you've noticed so their is help, not sure what the help is but don't give up trying to find it.

What can the HV do, though? I don’t mean that to sound flippant more desperate it just seems like it’s his personality, in the same way some children are shy or timid.

I know you say you have tried everything but when you take him away do you then go over to the other child and make a big fuss over making sure they are okay? He might be doing it to get attention so put your attention on the child he has targeted.

Is he in nursery? Does he do it there too?

Yes, it’s one of the main advice things. Make a fuss of the other child, remove yours. It doesn’t work, not here anyway.

Re nursery yes. He scratches bites and pushes, not all of the time but I do get a spate of reports every few weeks or so.

He's 3, his behaviour isn't set in stone. No one is just born aggressive, timid and stays like that for life. It's learned behaviour too. Children aren't even labelled as psychopaths that young because it's too early to say what's youth/immaturity vs mental defect. He knows he gets away with it because even you are justifying his behaviour and throwing your hands up. That's where encouragement, discipline and parenting come in. How do you discipline him?

Please explain to me what I should be doing. I do 100% blame myself.

Also worrying about something for 'years' when it's been what 3 years - has taken its toll on you so you've given up? I mean that's the job of a parent - he's only a toddler. If you think you've already exhausted all avenues at THREE years old, how will you manage the next 10 years till he's a teenager...!

Talk to a health visitor, specialist, child psychologist. I mean what have you actually tried doing the last 1-2 years?

Why do you blame yourself? Can you list the things that you have done to cause this problem?

Refer you/him to a psychologist if appropriate. You can’t give up on him.

I think because you always do. I’ve tried the advice online about making a fuss of other child and removing from situations but I’m not sure it’s helped and it might have even made it worse, hard to know. Maybe he’ll grow out of it.

It’s not about giving up on him but it’s who he is. Some children are timid, some are talented in a certain area, some are outgoing and gregarious and some are aggressive and unfortunately mines aggressive.

Then you need to speak to him before you go anywhere

Actions and consequences and make sure you follow through.

Is trying advice you've read online all you've done?

That absolutely isn't everything. Please step up and parent him. He's begging you to.

Please tell me what parenting looks like! Because I thought removing him was the right thing to do but maybe not.

Also as a pp said, at 3 his behaviour is too young to be set in stone. You can change it.

Actually it doesn’t matter - it’s my fault but no one will tell me what I should have done differently.?

I really hope this is a joke thread. I cannot believe you actually think at 3 years old a human being's personality is fully developed and the job of a parent just stop - no need to discipline, teach, train, encourage different behaviour etc. It's such a lazy way of parenting - to blame everything on nature.

And no, you don't blame yourself, you pity yourself. Because if you think it's just his personality, you obviously don't think you or anyone else has any impact on his behaviour.

He’s been aggressive since about 17 months, I’ve been trying to change it.

Why not give her help instead of attacking her? Jesus Christ!

People have told you what to do- seek professional help from the relevant authorities, get referrals made, get support.

A quick google & then giving up on your 3 year old isn’t parenting, and neither is posting here for advice. Seek PROPER help.

Why are people replying as if I’m saying I’m going to sit back and do nothing?

I am literally saying the opposite. But it hasn’t changed him this is what I’m trying to explain. Ugh forget it.

Because she has dismissed every single piece of advice, has not said what she has actually tried (other than some half baked online advice to pay attention to her other child) and is clearly just looking for a pity party, not help.

What happens before the aggression? Is he ever easier to be with? Does he hurt you?