My child is a bully

[Iknowjustthething]

It’s really hard, and I worry all the time I caused it. He was a very aggressive toddler but I kept reading it was normal. Now he’s 3 and a half. He often just takes a dislike to a random child and targets them. Of course I take him away but it never has a lasting effect. Sometimes we go a while without any incidents then it starts again. I worry he’s going to cause serious harm to his baby sister.

I am not necessarily posting for advice as have tried pretty much everything after months / years of worrying about this and I think I’m just at the point now where I think it’s just his personality.

He’s still only a baby. It sounds like you’re dealing with it the right way when he does do it, so just carry on, he’ll grow out of it. Don’t label your little baby a bully, he’s still tiny.

So it isn’t like I’ve done a quick google.

I have asked nursery and HV for advice on dealing with it but it’s just the same as online (and I’ve asked loads and sought help from lots of different sources) and he’s still the same. So obviously I’m not going to let him hurt others but surely people can understand it’s very worrying and upsetting. But I do honestly think it’s just who he is.

Three and a half, a baby?

I'd definitely talk to your hv. It could be normal or there could be an underlying issue causing him to lash out. Since normal management strategies aren't working then maybe the hv might have other suggestions or be able to refer you on.

Imagine being written off at the age of 3.5. Yeah, he’s still only very little, stop making such a drama.

What do nursery do when he is being aggressive? Who have you spoken to apart from HV? Have you been on parenting course? Do nursery think there is something behind his behaviour? Do you talk to your DS about his behaviour, role play with his toys? Are there any triggers?

He nearly broke his sisters neck this morning so I’m feeling exceptionally down. Forget it - wish I hadn’t asked 😂

It is not just “who he is”, push on with health visitor and other authorities for proper guidance, don’t be palmed off with leaflets.

3.5 is still a baby in the sense that who you are at 3.5 isn’t “just who you are”. You are still the biggest influence in his life at this age, so make the most of that to make a difference before he is 15+.

How did he nearly break her neck?

Exactly. It is my fault, but it’s so hard knowing how or why. Anyway it does not matter.

He’s tiny and you need to buckle up because parenting goes on for a lot longer than 3 years and you will face many more challenges over the years.
Three years old is tiny, this isn’t particularly unusual behaviour or bullying behaviour so stop labelling him because you will just create a self fulfilling prophecy. Consistent removing, reminding of gentle hands etc, if you feel you need more help, ask the HV about parenting classes.

Parenting looks like reaching out and getting help for your THREE year old. He's three. He's young. His future is not set in stone. Speak to your HV/GP they can refer you to specialists that can give both of you the support you need.

And a three year old shouldn’t be in the position where they have the opportunity to hurt a baby, one of them should always be close to you especially given that you know he has a tendency to lash out.

Firstly, he's 3. You need to stop calling him a bully. Bullying is intentional, he can't intentionally do this at 3 and certainly not at 17 months. And if his mum is calling him a bully at 3, he doesn't stand a chance in life.
He is however showing you that he is being put in situations where he isn't coping. So for now, don't put him in them. And don't punish. You will shame him which will spiral the situation.
I would read some books on 'spirited' children like Ross Green, I think the gentle parenting book might be good too as she is firm without punishment.
You're right that it may be his personality so you are going to have to work with this and find strategies that work and these probably aren't going to be conventional parenting methods that most people on MN will suggest.
Properly talk to your HV and the senco at nursery (Im not suggesting SEN but if a child is finding life difficult, they should be involved).

Hi OP, I don't know why people are being so mean to you.

I understand the feeling of frustration that you've followed the advice and expected change has not occurred, but it's not a one off or short term thing. I believe you need to keep reinforcing the same messages over and over again for months or years until your child internalises them. So keep doing what you're doing basically but adjust your expectations around how quickly you'd expect to see a change.

Also it doesn't sound like the nursery are too concerned - I'd take that as a really good sign.

Ok so really observe him and write down what happens before the incident to identify any triggers and patterns in his behaviour. Was the other child being loud? holding a particular toy? near a particular adult or child? Was he under the weather?

Read lots of books dealing with emotions and behaviour and do social stories so that he understands more appropriate ways of dealing with his emotions and the impact of them on other people. Don't do it once do it routinely.

Do lots of roleplay of how to behave.Teach him what 'kind hands" actually means, show him the amount of pressure to apply when touching someone or teach him to put his hands by his side if he hears the words - train him and reward him with a chocolate button everytime he does it and practise often. Pavlov was onto something with the dogs, conditioning works on animals and people teachers do it all the time when teaching classroom based behaviours within classroom management.

At 3 he isn't doing it on purpose, his brain isn't even developed enough to really understand cause and effect yet

Make a note of any unusual behaviours and keep them somewhere safe and do so well into his teens, it's not unusual for additional needs and mental health challenges to be left undiagnosed until Secondary age and the more evidence you have the better.

I have no experience of raising toddlers (but a lot of awareness they can be hard and frustrating work). I know slightly more about adults (only slightly some days). I do pick up a couple of hints from the tone of your posts that, apart from feeling you’ve tried everything, you have a belief about things being ‘just how it is’ - I wonder if this is more general for you or just a reaction to observing your children? One of the things having children does is take people on a historic trip through their own childhoods, how they were parented and what beliefs were accepted in the family. It might be worth looking at how aggression was dealt with when you were a child, whether there were any taboo emotions at home, and whether that gives you any useful information about now. 3.5 is a very young child. He’s evolving and figuring out where his boundaries are. He’s actually not at all powerful but trying on his sense of agency for size.

For goodness sake. Stop the pity party. Pp are trying to understand what you’ve done so far, how he acts and what the situation is so they can offer help. You seem sure you’ve done everything there is to do and this is just who he is. Did you just want us to agree with you that a 3 year old child is an evil bully and you can write him off now? surely not. He does not understand the consequences to his actions, so it’s not fair to say he is a bully because he doesn’t fully understand what he is doing. Figure out why he’s behaving that way. Ask for help if you can’t. Be consistent with it.
it can’t possibly have been years because he can’t have been bullying anyone at 1 year old, unless you’re interpreting normal baby behaviour like biting, hitting, throwing etc as bullying. Perhaps he is more aggressive, or less empathetic, but that doesn’t mean you just accept it.
you do sound exhausted so I’m assuming that’s all this is, can you have a break from him overnight at some point, and take a breather and make a plan of action?

If there is one thing I’m sure of it’s that it’s intentional. It really is. Nursery agree with that much FWIW. I’m not saying that it’s necessarily sophisticated or deliberately cruel but it is intentional, it isn’t like he loses his temper and lashes out.

Baby happened on DH watch. I agree. But that’s probably my fault too 😂

Hi OP, I had similar with my son, he wasn't angry aggressive, he would, however, push children over, hit them with things etc. I had to stop going to a playgroup because of one particular incident. I couldn't understand it. He was a happy smiley boy but would do these things and then stand there staring as if to see what the outcome was. As soon as he was able to verbally communicate and I'd say "why did you do that, that hurts", he'd say "I wanted to see what happened if I did it". It was horrendous.

To cut a long story short, a very on the ball HV picked up some autistic tendencies that I had zero experience of so hadn't identified and she referred him. Even at that point I thought I had nothing to lose by getting him checked out and still managed to be utterly shocked when he was eventually diagnosed with autism and sensory processing disorder. He had the most extraordinary lack of empathy and the observational reports from nursery really upset me. However, it gave me access to courses where I was able to learn management strategies. Little by little and with being very quick to react (and with the help of his one to one), things improved significantly. My son is now 12. He has recently been diagnosed with combined type ADHD, he is the most delightful young man. He had to "learn" ways to behave and now I see this very sweet empathetic side to him that just wasn't there at the beginning.

I'm not saying this is the issue, I am saying that this is my experience and I would advise you to see the HV. Make a journal of behaviours too. Take videos where you can but obviously not when he's putting himself or his sister in danger. I'm sorry you've had such shitty responses on here. It's so bloody stressful and I am still scarred by another parent screaming in my face at a messy play group because of something my son had done. I didn't know he was overwhelmed by the noise, colours and people etc, so I found ways to manage those situations (ear defenders for example). There is lots you can do to make positive steps. Good luck.

Thanks. Time will tell re autism. No signs as of yet but I know sometimes children aren’t diagnosed until school. So possibly.

You need to be more resilient and believe in yourself and him that you can change his behaviour. Literally there are degrees and careers where that is literally people's job, to condition others to behave a certain way. Whether that's advertising, product placement in a supermarket etc there is a lot of work tha goes on behind the scenes to change people's behaviour.

Your child isn’t a bully but i seriously consider they most like have autism or adhd and I would be keeping a close eye as your child develops.

I doubt three year olds can be bullies. They can however be agressive and you can change their behaviour. How is a three year old able to break another child’s neck?