My child is a bully

[Iknowjustthething]

It’s really hard, and I worry all the time I caused it. He was a very aggressive toddler but I kept reading it was normal. Now he’s 3 and a half. He often just takes a dislike to a random child and targets them. Of course I take him away but it never has a lasting effect. Sometimes we go a while without any incidents then it starts again. I worry he’s going to cause serious harm to his baby sister.

I am not necessarily posting for advice as have tried pretty much everything after months / years of worrying about this and I think I’m just at the point now where I think it’s just his personality.

You can't label a 3 year old a bully.

Don't panic! I thought you were going to say he was 13, not 3. If he's hitting and biting at nursery, its likely he is feeling overwhelmed or scared, and he hasn't learned a better way to get his needs met.

He doesn't yet have the self control or communication skills to deal with things in a better way. So you need to do two things. First you change his environment so that he doesn't feel the need to lash out in the first place, or so that he cannot cause other people harm. Second, you need to help him learn those skills to manage situations without violence - but that won't happen overnight, it could take years. That's why the first is also really important.

Other people whose children don't have difficulties with self regulation will give you unhelpful advice, eg punishing him. A punishment assumes the child is able to think "hang on! If I hit Tommy I will get in trouble, so I better not do it!" The reality for your son is that he is probably lashing out before he has had any conscious thought about it. Consequences will only work once your child has the thinking skills and self control to avoid the behaviour that leads to the consequence.

For what it’s worth my eldest granddaughter was very aggressive even as a baby, it got worse when her sister arrived. But by the time she started school she turned into a lovely girl and has never had problems since.

My now 14 year old was very physical as a pre schooler. When he started school there were definitely some behaviour issues. I was often called to school and other parents complained to me about him. He is now a 6"1 gentle, sweet teen about whom i get constant compliments. It is very, very difficult to be where you are now, especially with younger kids to look out for. It is totally normal to be frustrated and feel helpless.
I would suggest downloading some social stories and printing them out with his photo in them. you can find loads online for nearly every scenario. He might be slower to get the social cues others his age are starting to get, so spelling it out in story form can help. It also sets expectations for behaviour that he can understand. I also used playtime, while my babies napped(!), to role model some of the scenario's where he'd had bad behaviour. You play the "villian" part and encourage him to empathise with the "victim". These feel like small pointless things but added together with the other things you are already doing and with repetition they can make an impact. We also talked about big feelings and calming techniques but he might be a bit young for that yet. Affirmation and self esteem cards can reinforce his good points and self belief, important for kids who we always seem to be correcting or disciplining. Also some sensory tools like a body sock or mini yoga ball are good for "grounding" & calming kids who can get worked up and aren't good at sitting still. Not all of these will help, but you'll feel better for pro actively trying them out. The more you try, eventually you'll find the things that work. And remember, he's just figuring things out- he's not a bad kid or a 'bully', he's just finding it tough to understand what acceptable behaviour is. You can totally be his champion and help him through this. But it can be tough, be kind to yourself. I hope in 10 years time you'll look back at this time and be proud of the lovely teenager you helped him become, and of yourself!

It’s really hard to parent calls and confidently when you feel like nothing is working.

I can identify with the panicky feeling that ‘I’ve messed this up for him and there is no way back’

However! He is three, you haven’t irredeemably screwed anything up. Parenting a three year old is hard. Being a three year old is hard! What you loosely describe in your OP sounds like it’s well within the normal range of behaviour for

I find it helpful to remind myself my child is ‘having a tough time, not giving me a tough time’

When one of my children is having a phase of being rough or unkind I make sure to…
A) stay calm and project confidence so they feel safe
B) keep a really close eye on them, not check out on my phone or convos with other parents - so I catch situations before they escalate (this is CRUCIAL)
C) he’s three and a half now - so set clear boundaries and expectations in advance, and stick to them. Eg at soft play. If you push, we will have a time out together and talk about it. If you push again, we will have to leave
D) be curious about what is triggering aggressive behaviour + help find alternative ways to manage that. Eg my 4yo and I talk about ‘feeling fizzy’ and what to do when we feel like that (star jumps / punch a cushion / have a cuddle etc etc

he’s not yet four, he needs loving + empathetic boundaries to feel safe and learn the skills to regulate himself / Navigate the world. Ask nursery for help, also the GP, the health visitor, your friends with slightly older children etc etc

How do you discipline him for bad behaviour, you have actually said? Is it immediate? So with the girls in the park I would have immediately taken him by the hand and said No, we're going home if you can't play nicely. Made him apologise and marched him straight home. No nice activities or toys when you get there either. He'd be sat on the naughty step and told why. If he can't play without hurting others then he doesn't get to play.

Deliberate violence would get his bum smacked and a good telling off. It's not nice when someone hits you, is it? So don't do it or they will do it back to you.

Nasty words and actions would get him sent to his room, no one wants to be with you if you're being nasty to them.

Make the consequence related to the transgression and it has to be straight away. They won't connect no screens for a day to being because he bit someone earlier at nursery. It's totally unrelated.

Is he in full time childcare and do you take him out and run him as you would a dog? Small boys have bags and bags of energy, if this isn't released positively- it's released negatively. Wonder if there's also a social issue at play, which could be best assessed/supported by a childcare provider? I'd pop the little love into FT childcare and ask them their opinion of the behaviour?

I’m sorry? You’d smack a child? A three-year-old? As ‘punishment’ for ‘violence’? Words fail me.

I agree with taking him home if he can’t play nice. Then it took a dark turn when it was suggested a child should be placed on the naughty step, smacked, shamed, isolated and then shamed some more. Wow!

OP, I’m confident you won’t take this approach.

Is his father around?

Deliberate violence would get his bum smacked and a good telling off. It's not nice when someone hits you, is it?

No. That's why it's illegal.

Very, very sadly, it’s not illegal here in the UK to smack a child (without leaving a mark etc). Only in Scotland and Wales is it illegal and pretty much the rest of Europe. I’m hopeful the UK will catch up soon.

Oh well, I live in Scotland and it's illegal here.

Your son’s history is so similar to mine! Mine definitely has ADHD, whilst he’s pretty well behaved and like yours the issues were always low level. I’m amazed that your DS grew out of it! It was very much the sign that something was different about ours, there wasn’t much before.

OP I would put money on your DS being neurodivergent. The only kids I know who’ve had this sort of behaviour repeatedly have been ND.

maybe try being stricter and tell others he doesn’t mean it he just doesn’t know and doesn’t quite understand while your trying to teach him