My child is a bully

[Iknowjustthething]

It’s really hard, and I worry all the time I caused it. He was a very aggressive toddler but I kept reading it was normal. Now he’s 3 and a half. He often just takes a dislike to a random child and targets them. Of course I take him away but it never has a lasting effect. Sometimes we go a while without any incidents then it starts again. I worry he’s going to cause serious harm to his baby sister.

I am not necessarily posting for advice as have tried pretty much everything after months / years of worrying about this and I think I’m just at the point now where I think it’s just his personality.

My sympathies OP. It sounds like a really difficult situation and you sound very low, understandably!

I honestly don't think Mumsnet is the right place to seek advice however, as MN has over the years become an extremely unhelpful place - as this thread has just shown yet another example of. If you weren't feeling low already this thread sure would have made you feel worse.

Hearing is fine but you may be onto something, he does suffer with ear infections and becomes notably more aggressive when one’s in the wings if you like.

I was prone to lots of ear infections too. In the end I had grommets and also had my adenoids taken out. My parents say I was much improved after all that. Might be one avenue to explore anyway.

Some are helpful @SweetWilliams47 but yeah … the main thing is people shouldn’t take it personally if you say no I really don’t think it is that.

3.5 isn't a baby, but it's still very young. I used to be an early years teacher and I think it can be hard for adults to grasp just how much very small children have yet to learn- because we don't remember learning these skills ourselves. At 3.5, many small children won't have developed 'theory of mind' yet, which means they won't understand (or have a very undeveloped understanding) that other people have their own thoughts, wants and feelings that are different from (and often at odds with) their own. Therefore, your son may well just have very little concept of other people's feelings- children keep developing 'theory of mind' from 4-5 and beyond.

I expect your HV could help, and in your shoes I'd keep going with removing him from situations where he hits and being firm about gentle hands while doing lots of talking about feelings, including those of other people. I found it helpful with my own son at the same sort of age to talk about how the other person felt: 'poor X felt sad when you did Y, it hurt him. You know what it feels like when someone hurts you- X feels the same way. We need to use gentle hands because we don't want other people to be hurt or sad.' If we saw someone crying on a TV show or in a book for example, we might talk about WHY they were crying, maybe link it to a time my son felt the same way, talk about what they might need to feel better etc etc. I'm sure doing this sort of thing helped DS develop empathy and social skills, like your child he was like a bull in a china shop as a toddler but is now pretty gentle and kind to other kids at age 5.

Definitely talk to the GP though if it doesn't get better as he gets older- it could be a sign of something else going on for your son, but at this age it may well simply be the case that he is still developing the skills he needs to interact more appropriately. It does sound though from your later posts that you are seeing some improvement- it will take him a while to develop these skills (learning how to interact in social situations is a big job for him!) so I don't think it's going to be a case of finding a magic way of dealing with it that'll solve the problem overnight- more a gradual improvement. Until then, I think all you can do is keep trying to help him develop social skills (with support from nursery and maybe your HV) and be vigilant to ensure he doesn't hurt other children as he learns.

But it isn't two steps forward and three steps back, is it? Because you said that he is a bit better now than he was before? So the situation is not actually getting worse?

Parenting can be a long slog sometimes. Issues won't necessarily be resolved quickly, but that doesn't mean that they will carry on forever either.

Your child is tiny. He isn't a bad person, he is just learning how the world works. Your job is to help teach him. If you need help with managing his behaviour, then you should definitely ask for it. But please don't just assume that he is naturally a bully. He isn't. He is just a little boy who needs some help leaving to regulate his emotions and his behaviour.

Sounds like you are doing a good job, OP and are a switched on and involved parent.

Carry on praising him when he is kind and gentle. He will probably always be a strong personality but you can help him channel it to not pick on quieter people. Does her get much chance to charge around outdoors? 3 year olds need a lot of exercise, like young dogs! If you tire him out he can get rid of that pent up energy. Perhaps he could do a toddler gym class? When he's older perhaps he could do martial arts which seems to be more about controlling aggression and mind and body together, than fighting.

If you notice he is worse when an ear infection is in the wings it could be pain that is causing the aggression.

Ear infections are very painful. (Personal experience!)

You could try working on developing words and feelings around pain and expressing that.

Also controlling the pain if it is there - wheat packs, maybe calpol?

At 2, my son was a hitter. Hugely embarrassing. His speech, though not understanding, was a bit delayed, and I wonder whether it was linked to frustration at not being able to communicate. What I did, on every occasion that I witnessed hitting, was get down to his level, hold his hands, and say firmly ‘no hitting’. I thought the nursery were a bit wishy washy in removing him and phrasing it all positively, like ‘gentle hands’ or ‘we’re kind to our friends’. I asked them to do what I did. He did stop. I don’t know whether it was my approach or just that he naturally grew out of it.

That’s really good advice @bloodyBorat

At three and a half kids don’t even have a perception of time. They do lots of instinctive weird stuff that can freak you out if they are your first born and you aren’t yet savvy to the fact of how much is still yet to form.

This isn’t meant to be invasive, but OP, maybe you have really high expectations of your son - you were worried about his moral behaviour when he was only 17 months. That is so young. Morals and self-control form gradually. Learning to walk and talk are the priority at that young age.

I wonder if OP, you had a brother who was a bully, or you have memories of being bullied when you were young, and everyone tended to ‘blame the parents’, so you feel your son is condemned and you are judged as a ‘bad parent’.

After having kids myself, I seriously do not judge other parents. I know on mumsnet there seem to be a lot of people complaining about how badly other people parent all the time, but I tend to think “maybe they’re exhausted”, “maybe the kid is neurodivergent”, “maybe they are trying to juggle everything and dropped a ball”. I reckon people with less judgement and more generosity towards others are the norm, but are less likely to post.

Keep doing the right things, it will work eventually, he will move onto the next developmental stage, be patient, don’t worry that he’ll be tarred for life as a bully, that you are being judged or whatever, things work out and get easier. For me, the age of 4 seemed to be when it really does get easier with my children.

Some things to consider:
Diet-some food additives and colourings especially red dyes can affect behaviour. Look into what he is eating and make a table of incidents and what he ate and drank that day. if there could be a connection.
Connection-lots of 1:1 time, modelling kind hands, praising when he is gentle etc
Physical outlet-lots of outdoor time
Try the mood monster book which has the different colours to the moods to start naming feelings
Consequences - remove him from the situation to keep yourself/other child safe and say why you are doing it and do it every time consistently. Make sure nursery are doing the exact same thing
Hearing - get that checked

I had so many embarrassing things happen too. I remember being a a park and a mum came up and told me my daughter had walked up to her daughter and aggressively squeezed her face. The little girl did have really cute chubby cheeks and I wondered what the hell possessed my child to be so rough. I was mortified.

Get his hearing and eyes checked to rule out any difficulties with those senses causing frustration etc. Just because we think they are fine because they can hear a biscuit packet rustle in the kitchen when they are upstairs doesn’t mean a child isn’t having difficulties hearing at different frequencies (we have had this issue with my DS, who has glue ear).

All behaviour is communication. My DS(9) started nursery at 3 and quickly went from being very well-behaved prior to this to being almost constant low-level disruptive and pushing other kids, knocking over tower blocks, putting a foot out to trip another child over etc. He never bit or was plain nasty - it was what the nursery called low-level behaviour.

Eventually the nursery asked our permission to get an Educational Psychologist assessment done as they couldn’t establish why he was behaving like this when it was very out of character. The EP assessed him 3 times total and the outcome was that he was anxious about the unpredictability of the nursery environment, and that the behaviours were to try and communicate with his peers. The EP suggested a number of strategies to put in place to help DS feel more secure and to teach him more tools for communicating in an age-appropriate manner with his peers. We quickly saw results and the behaviours stopped, with only a very occasional incident about once a month. So, what I’m trying to say is ask the nursery about them getting an EP in (they may push back due to funding, if so see if you can organise and pay for one yourself). Now at age 9 DS is very well-behaved at school and clubs etc, and is actually a bit the opposite and tells me about how annoying it is when other kids misbehave!

Another side of the coin is a former friend with a child the same age as mine who never gave him boundaries or consequences, no matter where he was or the situation. Her child would attack mine and she would do nothing but occasionally simper ‘aww that’s not nice darling.’ The child is now horrifically behaved and she is a former friend for a good reason (I’ve heard this through a mutual friend).

So, you have two routes you could take - get advice and help now, or be that parent who ignores poor behaviour and simpers to their every whim. You are not too late at 3 so push for help, and keep pushing until someone listens. Never give up on your child.

Please don't label him as a bully yet OP. He is only 3, he is so very young still, and he has just had huge upheaval in his life. And like adults this causes children to react differently (some become more withdrawn, some behave badly and some like yours become aggressive). It is most likely lashing out to mark his place in life as he feels pushed out by the new baby. He is not a bad child, he can be nurtured to be kind and a goof friend and brother. He will just need firm and correct handling (no nicey nicey gentle parenting) and understanding by the adults responsible for his care (you and his dad, his nursery workers, and clubs he attends etc.)

I have a nephew who was similar. From a very young age he was exceptionally determined to get his own way and had to move nursery for aggressive behaviour. If I'm really honest his DP really struggled as their eldest was a very well behaved child and they had to learn a whole new way how to parent. He never showed remorse or would say sorry and was unpleasant to other children at times.

He is now almost 6 and things are much better, his DP adopted a more stable discipline routine and he is more clear of expectations, going to school has really helped with communication and social skills and a more structured approach/discipline has been good for him. He also has matured.

Hes still very strong willed and there's definitely a naughty streak but he's much easier to look after now.

I am so sorry - I am wondering if your son has glue ear and needs grommets. Its well known for making the children act up because they get frustrated and angry - I mention this because you said he gets repeated infections plus his speech can be rambley - glue ear can effect speech - what he is hearing other people say sounds rambly to him so he is repeating rambles.

If you have ever had a blocked ear or burst ear drum - its very difficult to not feel frustrated with the world so I can see why children with glue ear act up.

Anyway - I just wanted to also boost your spirits you seem to be trying everything you can.

Another thing I found helpful (from free council parenting courses) is to help him and yourself recognise the symptoms he is starting to feel annoyed. Like does he start getting more jumpy, does his voice start to raise etc.

One advice I was given was to get one of those tiny indoor trampolines - if a child is getting their frustration out through being physical...once they start showing the signs of things going pear shaped encourage them to be physical on a positive way by jumping on the trampoline.

If I child gets their anger out by being shouty - encourage them to be loud through singing etc when you see the signs they are escalating.

Anyway, hope you get to the bottom of things.

I haven't read through all replies so sorry if this advice has already been suggested.. I had a very similar situation.
It was a simple inability to regulate in that moment ..combined with personality. .even if it seems like the action is on purpose they do not have the brain development at age three to be ' bad' or to control their behaviour.
How I improved my situation was to enforce strict boundaries in a lovely, non shaming way. I expected tantrums and that was what happened but if you can be calm and kind they pass. Make sure they have lots of fresh air and movement, low screen time and insure good quality sleep and food. Start doing 10 minutes one on one time daily...more cuddles than you think they need etc
Read ' raising your spirited child' , Maggie dent, Dr Vanessa Lapointe, Gabor Mate, and Dr Becky ( good inside) are very good resources.
Also keep an eye out for ADHD/ASD as this may also be what's going on.
Most important remember your child is a baby and needs you most when they are at their worst.

You can't order people not to post!

Who? You haven't quoted anyone.

I don't if you'll get this far through the comments but I was a very aggressive child. I suppose I am still an aggressive adult, I still feel the desire to knock peoples heads together or yell and scream at them. But I don't. All feelings are valid and we can't get rid of them, though they can be reduced in some ways.What can be changed is behaviour.

To reduce these feelings: anger is normally a secondary emotion. Do you know what your son might be feeling that leads to anger and aggression? If you help him with these feelings might feel less anger.

To manage behaviour: most 3 year olds are violent sometimes. Be patient and kind and keep believing he can be better. My mum did and it took a long time but now I am. I'm sure you're doing a great job just keep going.

Not saying he does, but my daughter’s nursery never picked up on it and she is now 7 and diagnosed autistic.

Are you autistic yourself, OP? I was wondering, because you seem to have quite rigid thinking. I'm autistic and so are three of my four children.

I wouldn't dismiss autism in your son, either. It has a strong genetic link.

The fact that nursery and HV have said they don't think your son is autistic is irrelevant. Your doctor is far better placed to refer your son for an assessment.

I don't think biting is "just who he is". At 3.5 they shouldn't still be biting. Definitely get advice from the health visitor.

@Iknowjustthething I have read the entire thread. I just want to say that I completely and 100% get where you coming from as I feel the same about mine although he's 4 and a half now and massively delayed in speech. No HV or GP seems to give a toss about my concerns and nothing I do seems to help. Can go weeks with lovely child then a spate of worst kid ever. He's the middle child here and family and friends just calling it that. I wouldn't be surprised if when he gets to reception in September they start a referral. I can't help but blame myself too. It's hard. I just keep reminding myself he's little and to praise the good. He dowsnr care about consequences and unfortunately when we do have to leave the park it impacts the other two more than him and they enjoying themselves playing nicely then he ruins it all. Parenting is hard.

OP The fact that you are admitting there is a problem is such a huge sign you are a great mum. So many threads the parents are in complete denial. He is young and with a mother like you I bet he can turn this around. I'd see if the hv can point you in the direction of some help for him maybe like play therapy. Sending you a hug