My child is a bully

[Iknowjustthething]

It’s really hard, and I worry all the time I caused it. He was a very aggressive toddler but I kept reading it was normal. Now he’s 3 and a half. He often just takes a dislike to a random child and targets them. Of course I take him away but it never has a lasting effect. Sometimes we go a while without any incidents then it starts again. I worry he’s going to cause serious harm to his baby sister.

I am not necessarily posting for advice as have tried pretty much everything after months / years of worrying about this and I think I’m just at the point now where I think it’s just his personality.

Thanks @Mrsttcno1

If he has had a good day at the park, do you give him attention and tell him about his good behaviour

@TheFormidableMrsC wrote you a lovely sympathetic and helpful post and your reply comes over rather dismissive IMO.

I don't think I've ever interacted with you before, that I'm aware of.

I'm not 'vile', rarely had posts deleted.

It's fine - you don't want to respond to me / my posts - that's entirely your choice.

No need to be nasty when I was trying to help. Hope you find a solution, lots of good advice here if you care to take it.

behaviour is communication op, what happens before he lashes out at someone ? can you identify any triggers at all?could be something very small or simple such as his clothes are itchy, or he doesn't like a sound or whatever it is. how is his vocabulary ? is he able to verbalise his feelings well ?he sounds impulsive my son was (and still is )very impulsive by nature , used to jump on people with no awareness that he could hurt them and charge through people as he lacked specially awareness.he has been diagnosed with ASD and being assessed for ADHD.you sound really worn down, I get it I really do but little kids aren't born "Bullies" and I'm not saying it's your fault either it's challenging to parent a child like this so I understand your frustration and upset but I would be getting him assessed because it really sounds like he could be neuro divergent. if he isnt then you can go down some other routes to get to the bottom of his behaviour.Go easy on yourself, take care x

What did he say about jumping on sister?

What does he say when asking other children to play with him or saying hi/bye
Waving etc or pointing??

HV and nurseries are unlikely to suggest autism. Any issues are generally fobbed off as parenting or naughty child

It sounds like a cry for help from him. He gets overstimulated with “life” so lashes out as a coping mechanism. Maybe try a more comforting approach. When my son hits etc, I give him a big cuddle and explain calmly, it’s not acceptable, we don’t hit, why did he do it? Explain we are a loving family, we don’t hit or hurt other people etc. Afterwards say, we’ve talked about this now. If mummy finds out or sees you doing it again, I’ll take your toys away (for like 24 hours). He needs to learn you’re there for him as a safe space but also actions have consequences and you’ll no longer stand for it. Make sure you follow through with the consequences, regardless of the tantrum that will follow. Remember you’re the parent, you’re in charge.

Making a fuss of the kid who he has just hit isn’t helping imho. Remove him from the situation and tell him no etc but making a fuss of the other child, to me is saying to him, do this and mummy reacts.

Obviously I’m not an expert.

One thing I’m really good at is praising the good I would say. I think it’s because when he does turn on another child it’s often seemingly out of the blue. But other times it’s understandable.

@FancyJapflack not the intention I just don’t want to be over focusing on ASD when I really don’t think he has it and professionals agree. I’ve been upset and sometimes when I’m upset I can sound a bit flat which accounts for a dismissive tone. It really wasn’t intended on that way.

OP, it may be worth taking him to a child psychologist, privately if money permits. Even if just one session to get an idea of what could be happening for little man. Preferably someone who specialises in child aggression.

It’s sounds so challenging for you, and please don’t think you’ve done something wrong beyond control, kids do have different temperaments, none of us are fixed at that age. The main thing is, you’re proactive in removing him from situations where he is hurting another child - trust me some parents simply wouldn’t care/step in.

Do you have the time for any self-care (whatever that looks like for you)? Or have any support from friends and family? The good thing is, he does have periods of being non-aggressive, so he does have the capacity to adopt a different behaviour. It may just mean he needs some early intervention to support him in sustaining that. Don’t lose hope and please take care of yourself x

apologies that should have read spacial awareness

I think it would be helpful if you reframed this as something that you need to learn, rather than something that's inherantly wrong with your toddler. He jumped on your baby this morning and that must have given you a shock, but it absolutely doesn't mean that he's an aggressive bully, even though bullying does indeed take many forms, this isn't one of them.

Was he trying to get his dad's attention in that moment? We don't know, you weren't there, but something was going on for him, that meant that jumping on the baby seemed like the way forward, in that moment. It doesn't mean he's a bully, he's not destined to be like this forever, but, he does need your loving consistent help. If you and his dad need to get support in order to parent him in the way that he needs, then that's what you need to do.

HV and nursery staff can’t diagnose autism

I do love him, I do try to be consistent and believe it or not I really am genuinely doing my best. Which probably means I should leave the thread to sink

No they can’t but they can indicate if they think there are any signs at all: there aren’t, and I would agree with this (I do know my way round autism if you like)

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you don't love him or that you're not doing your best. Toddlers are reknowned for being challenging.

But you really can't just shrug it off and put it down to him being an aggressive human, who's a bully. Well, you technically can, but that's a label that's going to grow with him and if you think parenting a spirited toddler is a challenge, wait until he's the same height as you.

Deal with it now, or deal with it later. Either way you'll have to deal with it.

No ones shrugging it off. I’m trying to deal with it but the problem is it does feel very two steps forward three back, and this worries me.

Go back through the thread and make a note of all the resource that's been suggested, and start there. It's not going to change overnight, some days you will take two steps backward, but that's how it goes. Over time he will become capable of empathy, and more understanding of how the world works, and how relationships with others work, he's three. He's not there yet. You need to do the hard work so he doesn't have to at the moment.

So have the nursery AND the HV both said they have no concerns regarding his behaviour?

He's only 3 and a half so I don't think it's helpful to label him as a bully, especially as you've said that he can go weeks without hurting anyone.

I obviously don't know your child, or how you and your husband parent him but I've worked with children for over 30 years and he doesn't sound over the top from what you've said so far, although I agree, it's upsetting when you have to deal with it.

Does he hurt you or other adults? Can he articulate why he does rough things?

Have you consistently tried being very firm with your voice, face, actions as consequence?
The odd times mine did something not nice to another child like snatching a toy. I would be there fast, turn them sharply towards, me get down on their level, make sure they were looking at me, and say clearly and calmly but seriously, NO you do not snatch someone else's toys, you must ask, can l have this toy? Do you understand me?
If they said yes, l would say so what do you do if you want a toy someone has?They would have to show they understood before going back to play.
Then l would finish with 'if you do this again we will leave and go home.'
Always follow through.
l believe good behaviour has to be consistently taught.

Also from the age of 2 when we went anywhere before getting out of the car l would in very simple terms say what l expected..ie ..'do not go upstairs in x's house and do not climb on furniture or we will have to go home',
Or 'no shouting or running in this cafe or we will have to go home'
Again follow through every single time.

In your sons case l would be beside him all of the time, however inconvenient and catch him the moment he does something unkind, and do the above.

No gentle hands rubbish.... but a sharp, you do NOT hurt other children, whilst getting him to look at you, followed by you cannot play now we are going home. Every single time...Also l would make him say sorry to whomever he hurt.
If at home he hurt his baby sister, l would follow the No with taking him away into another room with no toys and say 'no playing if you hurt x ' and let him think about that for 5 minutes.
Consequences have to be immediate. Good luck op it is NOT your fault.

Honestly, I’ve done so much. I know you probably don’t believe me 😂

He just laughs if you do that @squirrelnutkin10 , it’s not effective at all tbh.

Hi op,
I had a very similar child who is now the kindest, most thoughtful 17 year old who has no aggression at all. He's is super calm and causes no conflict. He is a very happy, outgoing teenager.
He is doing amazingly well at college and works hard at his part time job.
He is now by far my easiest child who causes no issues.
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

At 3 he had been kicked out of three nurseries and two mother toddler groups (one of which I ran and was asked to leave after he pulled a dummy out of another child's mouth and caused deep gouges out of her face! i was sooooo ashamed!)

if we went to soft play or a park other children would soon start running over to their parents crying as my son had been let loose and caused chaos - punching, shoving, scratching (he actually never bit anyone which was a miracle).

He and his older brother could never be left unsupervised or WW3 would break out within seconds.

we lost a lot of friends and even family were wary of visiting. we stopped going places, he could never go to birthday parties etc as he would just ruin them.

I cried so much, I tried everything I could think of and like you was at my wits end thinking this was his personality and would never change.

At 3 he went to a nursery attached to the school he would attend. Thankfully they didn't ask us to leave and worked hard on his behaviour. Although no major changes happened until his second year in primary (so about 5.5 years old) he started to calm down and make a few friends.

it was an extremely difficult few years, a lot of hard work, talking through feelings, constantly reiterating boundaries and acceptable behaviour and many, many tears but things did begin to change.

although he has never been formerly diagnosed he is definitely on the spectrum but as it never seemed to hold him back at school or life i didn't get him diagnosed.
the school did bring this up several times during his early years.
he is aware of this and didn't want to follow anything up either.

What i am trying to say in a long winded way is - this will pass, you are right in the middle of it all right now but as he grows and can understand things a little better he will slowly change.
just keep talking to him, when things are calmer. Have a little snuggle and tell him all the things you love about him and all the things he did well.
Every night at bedtime have a little round up chat and let him tell you what he's feeling.
Keep working on boundaries and feelings and don't give up! Keep on doing what you are doing.
He will come through it and one day it will all be in the past xxxxxx

Yeah I am. But I'm out as I'm clearly not helping and you seem to dismiss everything anyway. Good luck.

Thanks @socksandvests that really is helpful.

I haven’t read the full thread so forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but have you had his hearing tested? As a child, I had hearing problems that weren’t detected until I was about 4, but it made me very angry and aggressive. Once it was sorted out, I was much calmer and happier. Just a thought anyway.