I’ve scared myself - what are the positives of having children?

[Salacia]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant. It took quite a few rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc to get to this point. When I was going through all this I’ve read countless books (mostly memoirs) about pregnancy, motherhood etc. I’m not entirely sure why - I’m not sure if it was a matter of self preservation (if it doesn’t work then it won’t matter as much because it sounds awful) or because I’m a relentless pessimist and wanted to prepare myself for the worst (or some sort of strange emotional self harm).

Problem is, now it finally looks like it might happen for me all I can think about are these books. About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity. It makes me feel very self involved but I’m worried that I’m going to have to destroy myself. That there won’t be any spontaneity, fun or ability to do what I please ever again. I’m strangely not scared about giving birth at all (maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems, hospitalisations and am medical - it seems the more familiar part of this whole thing) - it’s what comes next that terrifies me. What do I do with the baby when I get it home? Then I worry that worrying so much about this means I’m far too self involved to be a parent anyway and the poor kid is doomed.

I know it’s obviously going to be hard and everything will change (and change isn’t necessarily bad) but I could really do with hearing some positives to having children. I’m not scared of hard work, self sacrifice etc but I would like to get something out of it for myself too. It seems like there’s nothing to gain from being a mum (at least, not in the admittedly middle class, purple prose literary bubble I’ve created). I see friends with children and they seem happy but how do I know they don’t feel as wretched internally? Even the authors I’ve read often go on to have more than one so surely there must be some positives?

I feel so embarrassed writing this (I was going to NC but thought I should be brave) - does anybody have any thoughts? Or at least positives to having children so when I’m spiralling I have some new material to hand to combat these thoughts.

The hard bits get forgotten the good bits remembered forever

I had a horrible pregnancy hyperemesis in the first and third trimester. Hideous heartburn from 20 weeks. Broken and bruised ribs from a car accident at 16 weeks. Lockdown.

After she was born severe reflux, multiple food allergies that put me on a heavily restricted diet. She screamed 16+h a day as her GP wasn't very helpful and her reflux and allergies weren't diagnosed until 4 and a half months.

I had post partum pyschosis and severe treatment resistant post partum depression and spent 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit and ended up on a lot of medication. It took until my daughter was 2 to be back to normal.

She's now 3.5 totally gorgeous, funny, witty, charming and the light of my life. I can't imagine many things worse that her first year and I would say my experience is on the more extreme end and I would say few of my friends experienced anything close. We now feel ready to discuss trying for a second child and are working with my doctors to have a plan that keep my mental health in a good place without causing harm to any potential babies. I don't have many memories of the first year. The brain is kind like that.

I’m sorry I haven’t read your full post but I just wanted to say from the title that I have an 18 month old the first year was hard but oh. my. life….. she’s the BEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE she’s amazing and I can’t wait for all the things she’s gonna do … it’s hard but so so worth it xo

Personally I never associated my work with my identity so I was happy to stop work when becoming a mum and didn't feel I was giving it up - more that I was gaining freedom to spend time as I wished with my family. So that was a positive for me.

Pregnancy and childbirth were easy for me so that wasn't a negative. I breastfed for 3+ years with each dc which was positive with lots of oxytocin and lower risk of cancers. Emotionally I gained a lot from the time with my dcs as they offer love and cuddles in a way that no one else does, and it's an ego trip having your genes out there and achieving well. And it was good for my self image to have the family I wanted - married with 2 dc, having family holidays and doing family trips out etc.

Mine are grown up. If I went back in time I would absolutely do it all over again.
Yes it’s tough. Bloody awful at times. But for me it was also the best thing I ever did and I don’t regret it at all.

As for what you do when you get home, if you are like me you sit staring at this small bundle wondering who on earth thought you might be responsible enough to allow you to leave the hospital with it.
Then you get on with caring for it in the best way you can. Take any and all support that you may need. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when it gets too much. Because at times it will do but those times will pass.

I'm not going to say it isn't hard. But it is also so magical! Every day my husband and I talk about what we're grateful for (sounds a bit cringe but it's good for your mental health!). And it's always our daughter, who is a toddler and such an amazing little personality. I warned him before we had her not to expect to feel happier - but I do! More fulfilled and content, and just awe-struck by her. It outweighs the hard stuff by a long way. Wishing you all the best.

It’s the best of times and the worst of times! I wouldn’t change it for a minute. It has been a privilege to watch my three grow. If it was so awful people would only do it once 😄

Thank you - these are already making me feel so much better!

It is hard, really bloody hard. I found it a big lifestyle shock and there were painful moments along the way, mostly losing friends and identity as I left my job to be a SAHM for almost a decade.

However even in the hardest newborn days there was always a moment of utter sunshine, and now my eldest is almost a teen (I have 4 DC now) I feel so privileged to have been able to go on this journey, moulding them into wonderful funny, rude, annoying, kind, ridiculous human beings.

It is hard, but so are most things that are worth it. ✨️

I’ve got 4 children - some days are harder than other and I want to scream ! But then you’ve got the most amazing fulfilled days of your life especially when they smile , laugh and accomplish something they are proud of !

As the saying goes the days are long but the years are short - cherish every single moment of your pregnancy and your baby , it goes by way too fast !

I totally felt like this too and was freaking out my whole third trimester. My baby is only 10 months so lots of good and hard times ahead but these are the good things you have to look forward to based on my own experience -

• Newborn and later chubby baby cuddles
• All the firsts - the excitement when they roll over for the first time, or start crawling, or babbling mama and dada
• When your baby puts up their pudgey arms for you to pick them up
• When they squeak in delight at something
• Their fascination at tiny things like looking at a dog or picking up leaves
• Taking them to baby classes and seeing them enjoying themselves

Congratulations on your pregnancy :) it's hard but the best thing I have ever done

My children are grown up now and they have their own. children. Raiising children is hard and you always think you could have done better.
But I can honestly say having them was the best thing I have ever done.
I felt that I didn't properly grow up until I had them or ever really put someone's happiness above my own and be happy about it. For me the love I feel for my children is the only truly completely unconditional love. I know what ever my children do I will always love them even if sometimes I might not like them.
In terms of what I get back I feel I have a stake in the future. And I take great pride in knowing there are six wonderful people in the world who wouldn't be if it wasn't for me. My children are caring, kind and responsible people doing jobs that try and make the world a better place and my grandchildren have still to make their mark on the world but seeing that potential is wonderful.

I won’t lie your life will never be the same again. But you don’t have to lose your identity, lose this or that. You can be whatever kind of mother you want to be.

You don’t have to accept your body being ruined. Accepting the mum bod is this odd damaging idea we have in U.K. In France that idea would be laughed out the door. Recommend weekly Pilates 1-1 rehab starting about 6 month pp for 6 months atleast.

The early days are tough with sleep deprivation. You forget all about it. They say the days are long but the years are soooo fast. And it’s true.

My boys now nearly 2 and his smile, his laugh, he comes and kisses and cuddles you. It’s pure joy.

Best thing I have ever done. You will be fine 🥰

I think, when there are fertility struggles having a baby gets romanticised; “everything will be great when I finally have a baby”. And then the baby arrives and it cries and shits and cries some more and doesn’t even have the courtesy to smile until around 6 weeks and it’s all a bit shit.

But there is no greater feeling than seeing that smile, hearing that first laugh. And when they start to sit up I swear, in your mind, they will be the first child in the world to sit up. My children all have sen so we’re HARD but they give my life meaning (I’m NOT saying that a life without children has no meaning). Their future is what I work for, my driving force. Without them I’d be working for an Audi and lots of holidays (OMG, wtf have I done?)

you will be fine, you know it won’t be rainbows and sunshine every day, you know it might be hard, you might even get a bit of pnd but OVERALL you will love your child you will mostly want to adjust your life around them

Mine are mostly grown. It is worth it for the lovely young adults you end up with.

Each stage has good and bad bits and it is constantly evolving but you evolve with it. It becomes normal life. I'd have children again if I started over.

I’m already continuing my Pilates and yoga classes through pregnancy and we’ve agreed it’s going to be a priority to try to continue them after birth (once physically able obviously) - I’ve got a book and asked my instructor to help me out together a gentle at home routine for when I’m not quite ready for a full class yet. Have also put some money aside for private pelvic floor physio just in case the DIY approach isn’t cutting it. The physical side is the bit I feel most prepared for - I guess the ‘ruining’ my body is more to do with some sort of depersonalisation towards it? That it’ll change and not be mine anymore?

Thanks so much to everyone who’s replying - you’ve already made my morning so much brighter.

Fwiw I found having a baby and then breastfeeding (no idea whether you want to breastfeed of course) made me see my body as so much more than just a tool to look good. Similar to people who do marathons and weightlifting, it just feels so healthy to see my body as a useful tool and not a reflection of who I am / my self worth / my appearance. I'm probably not explaining it well!

I understand. I like that way of framing it. I’m hoping to breastfeed. It’s strange as I’ve never really had much self esteem in my body so I don’t know where that aspect is coming from - I think it’s just the most visible thing that’s changing for me right now?

I wasn't ever fearful of giving birth until I did the first time. It was horrific with a lot of interventions and hospital stay (both times first time for me second for baby number 2) and gory details but I'll spare you those. Second birth was a precipitous delivery and both were unmedicated. Horrendous doesn't even begin to cover it.

While, I'm not medical. I have a great understanding, am very well read and did a tonne of reading and research into conception, mc and ectopics having had several, to foetal development and babies/children development more physically and neurological and delivery/interventions etc.

Nothing and I mean nothing can ever prepare you for end stage pregnancy, delivery, recovery and then the fact that you have this helpless tiny, 100% fully dependant human being. It's full on assault and trauma to body and mind.

I luckily didn't suffer PND or PNA, but I did struggle with boredom, being home, the baby classes and fakeness thay comes with it all. I felt like I did at times lose myself and my body. I went back to work early with baby 1 who never slept because I needed something for me.

I was convinced after more losses when ttc dc2 and several years (currently on mat leave) that I was done. But, along came a surprise baby. In the beginning, I was devasted. Couldn't get my head around it and was basically in denial thay it was happening. Baby 1 we were prepared for, everything bought and lovingly waiting for babies arrival. This one, nah...I wasn't prepared for and baby turned up early!

Breastfeeding both times was a god awful experience of cracked bloody nipples, pumps and top ups plus all the things that come with that. Mentally, it's an uphill, painful battle.

Recovery from the first was months long and I had still lasting implications 9 years on. Second was a breeze! Out and about (although sore) the day baby was discharged from hospital.

My body will never be the same. I'm currently carrying about 10kgs extra weight, my tummy is a fluffy, squidgy mess although looks OK in clothes. I'll never go braless again. Tits are ruined. But, in a decent bra they look absolutely fine.

My marriage tanked through dc1s toddler hood and suffered massively through ttc dc2. But, he was there, he helped and supported me even though I was being massive bitch. I'll never be able to repay the amounts of love, kindness and support he gave to us.

Would I ever trade it for my pre pregnancies mind or body? Never. Because through all the negatives, I have two amazing children. They never cease to amaze me. Seeing and experiencing the love and kindness in them. Their developing minds and joy at discovering the world around them. Their illnesses and hurts that help nurture and strengthen their bodies and minds, the laughter, the cuddles and snuggles and a love I never knew existed until having them is worth it. So is the never ending worries and low grade anxiety thays comes with having two rambunctious children.

I've accepted after a long struggle that I am categorically a different person to who I was in my 20s before children. I am a woman, a mother, a wife and my career. I'm happy and wouldn't change any of it because it's made me who I am today.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done but by far the most rewarding and the best thing I ever did too. There are moments where the love I have for my 3 year old son actually makes me well up and it's true what they say there isn't a love like it. One of these moments was this morning when off guard he said "I love you so much mummy". He can also drive me up the wall!

I wrote this identical post when pregnant with DD, now 15, so my first tip is stay off Mumsnet until you need it! Not based on that thread on which people were lovely, but because people come here for support when things are tough.

Anyway there are loads of positives. It is the most interesting thing I've ever done, meeting someone at their birth and then knowing them more intimately than anyone else ever and then slowly letting them grow away. At birth we were just two mammals kind of surviving together in our warm nest. At 4 she was my constant source of exasperation and delight. At 9 she was hilarious, sparky and gave me a different perspective on things I thought I knew. At 15 she can make me laugh like my best mate from school and worry so that I suddenly understand my own mum. Throughout, she has made my heart expand to contain an amount of love you would think impossible to fit in it.

It is one hell of a ride. I'm not going to deny what you say about spontaneity and all the rest and I'd be lying if I said I'd never felt isolated, angry, or dispirited, but I honestly would not even think of conceiving of considering not doing it if I knew then what I know now. Good luck!! ❤️

I'm in the thick of it at the moment with a baby and a toddler. It's tiring for sure, but it's not as restrictive as people like to tell you. When baby is small, put them in a carrier (which they normally love) and go for walks, see friends, have coffee. And as they get bigger enjoy all the hilarious things they come out with. I find it amazing seeing their thought processes develop. I normally wear contacts, so when I put my glasses on this morning my LB said I was covering my eyes to stop the rain 🥰

It is very difficult at times but I think it is worth it for so many reasons. It's also generally less exhausting as they get older and it is possible to get time for yourself once they get are no longer babies/toddlers.

I felt like you at 20 weeks. But you don’t lose yourself, you find yourself.

These thoughts are the death throes of your old self and the new self is going to be going to be bigger, and have more passion, wonder and connectedness.

Yes, there are some rough bumps in the road. But while the early weeks and months feel eternal in reality the whole thing shoots by in the blink of an eye.

And it’s better than the alternative. Be grateful for your good fortune, and just lean into the whole thing.

& I agree with @Spinet to stay off Mumsnet until you need it!