I’ve scared myself - what are the positives of having children?

[Salacia]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant. It took quite a few rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc to get to this point. When I was going through all this I’ve read countless books (mostly memoirs) about pregnancy, motherhood etc. I’m not entirely sure why - I’m not sure if it was a matter of self preservation (if it doesn’t work then it won’t matter as much because it sounds awful) or because I’m a relentless pessimist and wanted to prepare myself for the worst (or some sort of strange emotional self harm).

Problem is, now it finally looks like it might happen for me all I can think about are these books. About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity. It makes me feel very self involved but I’m worried that I’m going to have to destroy myself. That there won’t be any spontaneity, fun or ability to do what I please ever again. I’m strangely not scared about giving birth at all (maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems, hospitalisations and am medical - it seems the more familiar part of this whole thing) - it’s what comes next that terrifies me. What do I do with the baby when I get it home? Then I worry that worrying so much about this means I’m far too self involved to be a parent anyway and the poor kid is doomed.

I know it’s obviously going to be hard and everything will change (and change isn’t necessarily bad) but I could really do with hearing some positives to having children. I’m not scared of hard work, self sacrifice etc but I would like to get something out of it for myself too. It seems like there’s nothing to gain from being a mum (at least, not in the admittedly middle class, purple prose literary bubble I’ve created). I see friends with children and they seem happy but how do I know they don’t feel as wretched internally? Even the authors I’ve read often go on to have more than one so surely there must be some positives?

I feel so embarrassed writing this (I was going to NC but thought I should be brave) - does anybody have any thoughts? Or at least positives to having children so when I’m spiralling I have some new material to hand to combat these thoughts.

About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity.

Did all those things happen to me?

Yes.

But would I go back to being childless?

Never

The good will always outweigh the bad

Oh also, to balance out some of the other comments, my body and mind are the same as they were pre-kids. It's not a given that these will change for the worse. I am however quite sleep deprived so that's not so good for the brain! But I do think that you could be in an accident at any time that could disable your body or mind, and age catches up with a body regardless of whether you have kids, so that wasn't a huge worry to me when having kids.

Hello, I completely understand where you're coming from. I remember thinking very similar thoughts. I got completely bogged down in all the negatives, and I think it was partly self preservation in case things didn't work out too. My little girl is now nearly 2. I remember thinking about 6 months in - why did nobody tell me about the brilliant bits too??? This can be so much fun!! Yes it can be boring at times, and hard work and all the rest of it, but just occasionally you have moments of pure joy and they are so worth it. No, the joy didn't happen immediately. But my goodness, I adore my little girl now and I am so glad she's here (mostly 😅). Sending hugs.

I wouldn't dwell too much on having a newborn tbh. It's like only thinking about the first 100m of a marathon.

You don't get just one child, you get many as you child grows. Some stages you'll be glad to see the back of, others you will want to hang on for. But there's usually positives (and challenges) to every stage.

You get a squishy newborn. So dependent. So needy. And yes, sleep is rubbish often. But oh the cuddles and the smell of their hair and the look of pure contentment as they sleep on you. You can watch what you want on tv still, don't have to moderate your conversations with friends and they can't run away.

You get an older baby. They may sleep, may not. So many firsts, and that first time they toddle and fall into your arms with a smile is indescribable. But your days of being able to binge watch tv are fine and it'll feel like you never sit down again.

Then a toddler. They may still not sleep, and tantrums week test your patience. But they can be so affectionate and funny. They are so demanding, but they also give a lot back.

A preschooler. If anything like mine, they still don't sleep, but many do. Strong willed, strong emotions. Tantrums. But also those first pictures they draw of the two of you. The way they tell you they love you. The way they are learning mastery over their body.

And it continues.

My 7 year old can be incredibly challenging. She still has sleep issues, doesn't play well alone and is high maintenance. She pushes all of my buttons. But she's also sweet and funny. We made a cake together this morning and genuinely had a lot of fun.

I think about the future, trips we'll take, evenings watching films together, shopping trips we'll do. Meeting first boyfriends, helping her get her first flat kitted out etc.

It's not really about a newborn but about a lifetime together. With ups and downs just like with other family members.

I adore being a mum. I'm exhausted, run down and feel like I need a break frequently but they also enrich my life immensely.

They bring a type of love that I haven’t found anywhere else. They feels like it would stretch across the universe.

Sure it is different and changes things but there is a happiness that I can’t even articulate in watching them grow.

What a lovely thread and this beautiful affirming post brought a tear to my eye. I identify and agree with all of it.

My relationship with Dh got stronger after kids. Things I like about kids:

They're great craic and make me laugh
They love me and tell me that all the time
We can play games that are more that two participants (Uni is shite with just two)
They make me tea and bring me biscuits
They have different ways of looking at the world
They're silly
They keep me thinking and learning and changing
They're a reason to make a big cake

Op, being a mam isn't all about sacrifice. You're having your bairns because of the joy not just a job. You'll be grand.

I wasn't a baby person and although I loved my son very much the first year was a one way street - you do everything for the baby and get very little back. But the he started walking and talking and that was so enjoyable (most of the time!). He's nearly 10 now and I still love him beyond description as my child but also like him as a person. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but he's the best thing that ever happened to me - even when he's refusing to wash/leaves mess everywhere and generally driving me up the wall! Worth all the stress for that cuddle at bedtime.

I recommend listening to the Motherkind podcast from Zoe Blaskey. I love it and wish I'd started listening to it whilst pregnant with my first. So much sensible advice and solidarity.

Mine are a little older now at late primary/high school age. While I remember the hard bits, they don’t impact me at all. I love the relationship I have with them and the family we have built.

i know it’s said a lot, but quite honestly my children are one of my proudest achievements. I watch them starting to spread their wings and find their own way and I think - “I made that person there”.

the trick is, (once the tiny baby days are done, the days where you lose yourself completely because there is no other choice), to find and retain a bit of you. Whatever you love find time to do it at least once a week.

you have got this. You can do this. And you clearly care very much to be worrying about it, which is how I know you’ll be just fine.

When my DS was a baby (and he was a crying, non sleeping milk monster baby who wouldn't do anything the books said he should do) someone said to me 'when you have children, the days are long but the years are short'. And now, I blinked a couple of times, and he's 16! I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I got to watch every single movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, learn more about dinosaurs and space, than I ever felt I needed to know, became a dedicated Whovian, went to sci fi conventions, none of which I would have done if they hadnt got interested in those things. My body has gone to pot, but thats more cake than kids. I have travelled all over Europe with them, showing them places I saw when I was younger and reliving my youth.
I would say, ignore Mumsnet, but also, if the baby books / sleep training books don't work, don't beat yourself up. Some babies will do it, and some parents can do it. I couldnt' and reading those books made me feel like an utter failure. I had thrown them all in the bin by the time I had DS2. He was a far more chilled baby, and I didnt read a single piece of parenting advice.

Thank you so, so, so much for this thread. I could've written it myself. I am giving birth next week - after loss, heartbreak and infertility. congrats on your pregnancy!

I had a good pregnancy, birth was good, love my child, love my new life, I lost 6kg breastfeeding, love seeing my husband become an amazing father, I'm enjoying it way more than I thought. So much so I'm having another very soon 😊

What to read on mumsnet I people asking for support. So it's the tough bits!

Your body might be ruined. But equally it might not. Mine was fine for DC1-3. DC4 is 3 months old and I'm carrying a little bit of extra weight round my tummy at the moment, but I'm hoping to lose that once she starts eating and the relentless breastfeeding apetite eases off. But if I don't... I don't care that much any more! My boobs are a bit less perky after 7 years of breastfeeding but not much and you can't tell when I'm dressed.

As for my mind.... well, when I'm sleep deprived it's not great. But I reckon it springs back to normal once I'm getting decent enough sleep. I certainly cope just fine at work. I am less well versed in current affairs etc than I used to be I suppose.

Yes, life becomes very different. But you don't lose youself! You have less time, but you are still you. Certainly as your children get more independent you get more time, or otherwise you adapt. We have friends we often used to see for a meal, wine and a board game. Last weekend they came for a sleep over -kids activities do dminate the day (7 between us, oldest is 7, 3 3yos....) But by 8.30pm they were all tucked up in bed except the baby (sleeping in the carrier) so plenty of time for wine!

Through my children, I have become more involved in my local community. That's lovely. Mostly school mum friendships are pretty shallow, but a couple I reckon will go the distance and be proper friendships long term.

Children can remind you of thejoy in simple things. Over half term we eent to the seaside. It was great! Lots of walking, digging and poking in rock pools. When thelittle ones had their afternoon nap I got to snuggle up with my eldest in the sofa and eat popcorn while we watched films I enjoyed as a child.

Motherhood is partly what you man of it. Yes, there will be challenges. But there will also be joy and contentment. And when its tough, that's when you have mumsnet to turn to!

All you hear on MN is posters saying parenting is, " tedious" and relentless" - it's really not. It wasn't my experience and irl none of my friends and family have ever felt that way. Holding your own baby in your arms is an indescribable feeling. Love like never before. Having a child is also an expression of love between committed partners. You will make many, many wonderful memories as your lo grows. My ds is, an older teenager now but parenting him at every stage has felt like a privilege. He's a wonderful son with so many great qualities, we sre so proud of him. I just cannot imagine life without him. We are a close Kurt family. Raising your child really is a privilege. Children enrich your life in so many ways. I don't understand the bit about losing yourself as children ooen you up ti so many new experiences and you gain so much from having a child. You don't need to lose your oen interests and hobbies, you can diet and exercise post birth of body image is important to you. You can still go out.
Think of all the advantages to having a chikd, how they will enrich your life, not imagined negatives.
Good luck, enjoy becoming a mum.

Thank you so much for all these messages, they mean so much and I’m going to save them so I have them to scroll through. Really appreciate everyone taking the write to reassure me.

I've really loved motherhood, particularly the baby stage and didn't find it at all difficult. I was a young mum, which helped because there was no lifestyle to change! I also read absolutely nothing about parenting and went entirely on instinct, with a few bits of (as it turned out) outdated advice from my parents, which I went along with and all was fine.

Just chill and go with the flow. Don't have any expectations of it and just ease into it.

Thanks for being brave enough to write this post OP. I'm also expecting our first and have some of the same thoughts as you, so the replies are helpful. All the best with your new baby and exciting new life x

I'm like you, a natural pessimist realist. I prepared for the worst and have been pleasantly surprised by how lovely its been seeing my 2 babies grow into lovely young women.
It's been hard at times but the good definitely outweigh the bad.

Children can be very hard work and it is a huge sacrifice to have them BUT they can bring so much joy to your life that it’s hardly believable at times!

Mine are 9 and 6 now and they make me laugh so much every day. I love them very, very much and I could spend all day hugging them and kissing them if I had the chance 😂

The early years (0-5) were hard, sometimes they were really hard, but it was wonderful as my children are wonderful. They bring something very special to my life and as I watch them grow up and develop their characters and turn into their own little people I can honestly say that it’s amazing to see.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy and although your life is going to be turned upside down you will hopefully find much joy from it.

I'll be totally honest here. I found the first year incredibly tough. I probably had a touch of depression simply because my life changed so drastically over night. I felt trapped and it was hard to cope with my baby who cried all the time. Yes my relationship with DH changed. In those first few years (we had a second child) we were basically just surviving, exhausted, we were parents not partners.
However despite all the above it was most definitely the best thing I've ever done. I can't describe the love - the love I feel for them and the love they clearly feel for me. It's been so much fun. When I look back at the 13 years I've been a mother I mostly remember the laughter, the cuddles, the fun times we've shared. It's all been wonderful. In my experience it's just become easier and easier. I've found the primary school years to be very easy. All good. Now my eldest is a teenager it's become slightly more complicated - worries about social media, boys, school grades etc. But she's a good kid. I suppose the hardest thing is worrying about my son - he's incredibly sensitive and quite an anxious child. His happiness is my happiness. If I see him struggle then I find it painful and difficult.
I can't imagine my life without kids now. They've given me such, a sense of purpose that I was lacking before. It's definitely been fulfilling. As for my relationship with DH, as the kids have got older we've been able to become partners again and I feel we're the strongest we've ever been. I felt I lost myself in the first few years but I soon became me again.

Exactly this. You'll feel unconditional love like never before, such pride and wonder. Yes there can be hard times and you'll never feel worry like it but the joy and happiness they'll bring is immeasurable. To see your child turn into a successful and happy adult with a fabulous personality who is achieving what they wanted and planned to do with their life is such a great feeling. If you're lucky enough to have grandchildren then you get to experience again the wonderful bits of having children in your life without the hard parts.
I was never a particularly maternal person, wasn't a person who had always longed to be a mother, looking back I probably had children because that's what people did, but it was the best thing I ever did, can't imagine my life without my children in it.

We had IVF to have our daughter. The level of desperation and despair I felt for the first 12 or so months after she arrived was horrendous. I thought we'd ruined our lives and couldn't see how it would ever get better. I hated maternity leave, post natal anxiety made me feel like I was losing my mind and I grieved the life I/we had. She's 2.5 now and is honestly the best thing in my life. It makes me cry when I think how much I love her and how grateful I am we have her. She makes me laugh every day and the joy and pride I feel seeing her grow and learn is like nothing I've ever experienced. So much so we're several rounds into trying to have another. Just sharing to reassure you that even if it's does feel like the world has ended (and for plenty it does), it will get better. That's not to say it's easy all the time, it's still bloody hard at times, but it is so worth it. I haven't forgotten how bad it was to start with, but I'd do it a hundred times over to have what we have now.

The first time your baby crawls over to you and gives you a hug or a kiss is just the best feeling in the world!! Wish you all the best.

This is such a lovely thread, so many of the comments have made me well up ❤

My daughter is the love of my life. I have loved seeing her grow into a proper person with her own personality, likes and dislikes, and I love spending time with her.

Some parts have been really hard going, but the wonderful bits have far outweighed the hard bits.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP 😊