I’ve scared myself - what are the positives of having children?

[Salacia]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant. It took quite a few rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc to get to this point. When I was going through all this I’ve read countless books (mostly memoirs) about pregnancy, motherhood etc. I’m not entirely sure why - I’m not sure if it was a matter of self preservation (if it doesn’t work then it won’t matter as much because it sounds awful) or because I’m a relentless pessimist and wanted to prepare myself for the worst (or some sort of strange emotional self harm).

Problem is, now it finally looks like it might happen for me all I can think about are these books. About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity. It makes me feel very self involved but I’m worried that I’m going to have to destroy myself. That there won’t be any spontaneity, fun or ability to do what I please ever again. I’m strangely not scared about giving birth at all (maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems, hospitalisations and am medical - it seems the more familiar part of this whole thing) - it’s what comes next that terrifies me. What do I do with the baby when I get it home? Then I worry that worrying so much about this means I’m far too self involved to be a parent anyway and the poor kid is doomed.

I know it’s obviously going to be hard and everything will change (and change isn’t necessarily bad) but I could really do with hearing some positives to having children. I’m not scared of hard work, self sacrifice etc but I would like to get something out of it for myself too. It seems like there’s nothing to gain from being a mum (at least, not in the admittedly middle class, purple prose literary bubble I’ve created). I see friends with children and they seem happy but how do I know they don’t feel as wretched internally? Even the authors I’ve read often go on to have more than one so surely there must be some positives?

I feel so embarrassed writing this (I was going to NC but thought I should be brave) - does anybody have any thoughts? Or at least positives to having children so when I’m spiralling I have some new material to hand to combat these thoughts.

@EdgeOfACoin totally agree with your post and I feel much the same! It's lovely that not everyone has a negative experience and we shouldn't be shamed for sharing it, especially on a thread which has asked for positive stories!

Oh and you asked about the body thing- it just depends, I'm quite lucky in that I've lost the baby weight quickly. Have a little bit of a C section pouch but I honestly couldn't give a damn.

@EdgeOfACoin she didn't actually, she asked for people's thoughts (including positive stories), to which she has had a wide range of responses.

This sentence really jumped out at me 'I'm worried that I'm going to have to destroy myself'

I don't know if you mean physically or entirely as a person.

Being a mum is tough. At times it feels like the situation is trying it's best to break you. But it won't destroy you. Your child will bring you pure love and endless joy.

Hardest thing I've ever done but the most rewarding.
The newborn smell and cuddles.
The high five you give yourself when they burp
The first smile and laugh
The faces they pull when you start weaning.
The drunken newly walker walk
Hearing their first words.

You'll find a whole new level of love and patience.

My first was an IVF baby and I think when you go through so much to have them it doesn't feel real until they are here and you start having doubts.
My little boy was literally the making of me in many ways.

Congrats and good luck you'll smash it.

I guess more as a person than physically? That loss of identity etc. But I’m feeling much more positive now about still being me, just different (and hopefully with some of the lovely positives people have commented about).

If your life is generally not easy (money is an issue, relationship is complicated, health issues) then indeed it can dive quite deep after having children. If you are well and secure enough (good income, savings, no major health complications, secure relationship) - it will get more complicated surely, but not to the point of despair. All of those books and studies report on "decreased amount of marital satisfaction" and similar things, but decreased amount still means there is SOME degree of satisfaction/happiness.

I saw this thread yesterday and bookmarked so I could come back and offer some reassurance.

The tougher aspects of parenting fade into insignificance when I think about how much I adore DS and how much joy he has brought to DH and me. Today he came running to me at nursery pickup overjoyed to see me - he hugged and kissed me and shouted "I love you Mummy" at the top of his voice.
I felt very much the same as you @Salacia during my pregnancy with him. I took ages to conceive after a loss late in pregnancy and felt terrified and utterly pessimistic about the whole thing - but I love being a Mum to the point we are expecting a DD this summer. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you all the best

Individually, I found having children hard and I have a relatively large gap between my two DSs (17 and 10). I have never been what you'd think of as maternal, I didn't grow up with younger relations so it was all ridiculously, terrifyingly, unfamiliar. When I got pregnant in both cases, I was in a job I loved and that gave me a great sense of fulfilment.

I was (and am!) prone to self-absorbtion, laziness and anxiety.

Maybe it's because, after a number of difficult life events in my 20s, I never hankered after an exciting, high-flying life, but having a family is, hands down, the best thing I have ever done. I am never happier than when we're sitting around after tea, chatting crap or getting competitive over a board game, or seeing them appreciate a lovely meal, a day out or the results of a great walk!

My children are amazing people, they make me laugh like a drain every day, and despite my not being a gentle, always-present, ever-patient mummy, they both seem very fond of me 😅.

I have a happy, healthy, supportive marriage, despite rarely getting time just us due to childcare.

And I have a better social life and a better job than before I had my children. Not in spite of, not because of, just because that's how it happened.

Children WILL change your life - otherwise what would be the point in having them?! - but the pay-off is to create something that's so much more than the sum of its parts.