I’ve scared myself - what are the positives of having children?

[Salacia]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant. It took quite a few rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc to get to this point. When I was going through all this I’ve read countless books (mostly memoirs) about pregnancy, motherhood etc. I’m not entirely sure why - I’m not sure if it was a matter of self preservation (if it doesn’t work then it won’t matter as much because it sounds awful) or because I’m a relentless pessimist and wanted to prepare myself for the worst (or some sort of strange emotional self harm).

Problem is, now it finally looks like it might happen for me all I can think about are these books. About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity. It makes me feel very self involved but I’m worried that I’m going to have to destroy myself. That there won’t be any spontaneity, fun or ability to do what I please ever again. I’m strangely not scared about giving birth at all (maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems, hospitalisations and am medical - it seems the more familiar part of this whole thing) - it’s what comes next that terrifies me. What do I do with the baby when I get it home? Then I worry that worrying so much about this means I’m far too self involved to be a parent anyway and the poor kid is doomed.

I know it’s obviously going to be hard and everything will change (and change isn’t necessarily bad) but I could really do with hearing some positives to having children. I’m not scared of hard work, self sacrifice etc but I would like to get something out of it for myself too. It seems like there’s nothing to gain from being a mum (at least, not in the admittedly middle class, purple prose literary bubble I’ve created). I see friends with children and they seem happy but how do I know they don’t feel as wretched internally? Even the authors I’ve read often go on to have more than one so surely there must be some positives?

I feel so embarrassed writing this (I was going to NC but thought I should be brave) - does anybody have any thoughts? Or at least positives to having children so when I’m spiralling I have some new material to hand to combat these thoughts.

I have 2 both adults now thank god.
Everyone has their own story mine as has had its ups and down
Its not easy some days i wondered how id manage it teen years hit and miss good times and some awful ones.
TBH i would not do it again.
My sister wished she never had kids they have ruined her sad but true im not gonna sugar coat it.
Do agree with others avoid MN untill you need it as most on here have perfect kids.

@tryingtobenormalish Did you read the title of this thread?

"What are the positives of having children"

Reading this thread is so lovely. I have 2 DCs now - a newborn and 2.5 year old so still in the early days of parenting. I often worry about the future and the challenges ahead as you read so many negatives but this thread is giving me hope that the good will continue to outweigh the hard times.

Fwiw I love being a mum and really feel it's changed me for the better. I'm far less anxious and have become much more laid back and have surprised myself by how instinctively I parent. I have a real feeling of contentment, fulfilment and confidence as a parent which has been lovely. I think it's helped me think more carefully about what's important and what my priorities are and not to sweat the small stuff. For me I've been happy for my career to take a backseat for now and work part time whilst I prioritise my babies, it's never felt like a sacrifice (more a privilege to have this experience of raising our children). Things have changed but I feel they have changed for the better and overall parenting has bought me and DH so much joy and happiness. Like someone else has said I already look back on the hard times through rose tinted glasses and either don't fully recall the reality or think it wasn't really that bad as the good has massively outweighed the hard so far. The initial adjustment was a bit of a shock first time around but I found my groove pretty quickly. However, all that being said I'm currently in a newborn oxytocin filled bubble with an easy (ish) second baby which may be skewing my thoughts about how great everything is

I'm trying to remember people often come to forums like MN for support so it is going to seem disproportionately bad. And people write books/record podcasts etc to support those who are struggling to offer advice and guidance - not sure there's much of a market for support targeted at those who aren't finding things hard

Don't feel embarrassed for being honest about your feelings.

All I can say is that the feeling of pure love for your tiny person is incomparable to anything else. The love your baby has for you also makes you feel incredibly lucky. Other things recede into the background a bit but it feels natural - it did for me anyway, and I say this as someone who was very career minded, always travelling and very independent!

I loved reading this! ❤️

Sigh. I've 3 and would have another if my husband was up for it. In fact, I would keep having children until I couldn't physically conceive anymore.

When you first see your baby, whether you are alert and take everything in, or are out of it and need some time to come around, it's just fascinating to see who they are. The big reveal! It's amazing to see what random uncles and cousins you see flashes of during that first year!

Holding your baby, snuggling them as newborns and then as they get older and chubbier, watching them smile back. You'll do anything to make them smile at you because it's amazing!

All of the milestones and the older they get, the more unique and funny they become. Their quirks and idiosyncrasies, their humour. Watching them sleeping. Giving them a bath and feeling their lovely clean skin afterwards. All the cuddles, all the chats. Your world takes on a totally new dimension where if you see something you think they'd love, you want them to have it. Their joy brings you joy.

Holding them and taking in every squishy part of their little bodies, and later bigger bodies!

I have written this before, but for me maternity leave was like a relaxing holiday. I too had read about and seen many difficult births and early weeks, but it was actually just dreamy. I was lucky my baby fed and slept well from day 1 and it was summertime which helped. Also I do just fine on 6 hours at night and do not struggle to sleep during the day. But honestly it was wonderful. I have 2, only finanaces stopped me having more.

OP the intense love you will feel for your baby will forever make every little sacrifice worth it. You don’t lose your identity at all - it just temporarily put on hold. You can still have those moments if you have a good support network, everything will be okay. Mine are teenagers now and literally it’s shocking
how much more time I have on my hands now…

Do I regret my children? I can honestly say, hand on heart, that has never even entered my head.
Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby, they are a blessing and you will love them more than words.

I never felt I lost my identity. Yes, I had to prioritise my dc a lot and that's partly because that's what we have to do but that was also what I wanted to do.
I looked at my little dc and thought 'I want to give you the best life I can give you'

I always did what I wanted to do. In the first few years, I took them to places I wanted to go to anyway. I love to go out and they just accompanied me to wherever I, and dh, wanted to go.
An exhibition. For a walk. Shopping. To my mums. For a meal out. Brighton for the day. Meet friends. Anywhere I felt like going. Often, it was spontaneous.
If I was at home with a baby, I had an audiobook or radio playing in the background.
Dh was happy to stay with the dc by himself from when they were very young so I'd go out for a couple of hrs by myself too.

For me, the main downside to having young dc is sleep deprivation. Those nights where the baby is up a lot, crying and youre exhausted is really tough.

But the rest, and to be able to share your own passions with an attentive little audience and to see them grow is amazing.

Thank you so much everyone.

Am holding a baby as I type this so won’t be as long and eloquent as some of the other posts, but I really like having kids and my marriage is great :) don’t take all the doom mongering to heart, relax and enjoy the ride

Have a listen to The Mother by Brandi Carlile, it expresses my experiences perfectly.

‘You're nothing short of magical and beautiful to me
I'll never hit the big time without you
So, they can keep their treasure and their ties to the machine
'Cause I am the mother of Evangeline’

I get quite angry, actually, about the relentless "Motherhood is so terrible" narrative which is very fashionable these days.

My husband and I put off starting a family until it was almost too late because we took these messages to heart. Having now become a mother, I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made.

No it's not particularly easy but the downsides are sometimes hugely overstated. For instance, dirty nappies? Not a big deal after the first one or two. Yes, you'll be sleep deprived for the first couple of months. But, typically, a baby's sleep improves and continues to improve as the months pass. Even colic, which can be terrible at the time, normally gets significantly better after three months.

I personally didn't suffer birth trauma or long-term physical issues after the birth. Some women do experience issues, and I do not wish to minimize those experiences, but it's something that may happen, not something that will happen.

There is also an idea that you "lose your identity" upon becoming a mother. It was something I was very worried about. Once I'd had my child, I didn't feel that way at all. Becoming a mother added to my identity - it in no way diminished it!

Things I didn't expect were: the overwhelming love I would feel for my child; the joy my child brings to my life (I have laughed and smiled more than I have in years); the additional layer of meaning I feel my life has. I find it far more enjoyable and rewarding than I had been led to believe.

It sounds as though you are aware of the downsides of parenting, so these won't come as a surprise. However, there are loads of upsides and unfortunately these aren't discussed enough.

I never wanted kids but had a change of heart when I turned 32 after my brother announced they were having a baby. I suffered one early miscarriage but then got pregnant and successfully birthed my now 11 week old baby boy. I honestly was so anti having children but I must say I'm loving being a mum and can't believe how much i love my son and my new life. Its like a different way of life but its not bad. There are some compromises and lack of freedom to an extent but the time you spend with your little one is amazing and can't be replicated. I don't find it tough at all, I feel so lucky to have this journey ahead of me. I am sure you will love it so keep positive xx

It is the best, there's no other feeling like it. Yes it's tiring, yes it's hard work, there probably will be days when you wonder what the hell you've done. But my god, when you see the little face, their little fingers and toes, hear their first cry, it's the best feeling. Hearing 'mummy' for the first time, the excitement and happiness when they do one of their 'firsts'. The little hands wrapped around you for a cuddle, feeling them grab your leg because they want picking up. Knowing that no matter what you do, you'll be the centre of their world. Mine are 4 and 2 and they tire me out, but I would give absolutely anything for them, they are my world and by far the best things to ever happen to me.

DD2 was a really tough pregnancy and we were told at 20 weeks she might not live, I was high risk, we were in and out of Fetal Medicine all the way up to a week before she was born, but they are 100% worth every bit of stress, morning sickness, tiredness. Mine have ruined my body, I have a few stretch marks that I absolutely love because they're from carrying my babies.

Thank you - you’ve mentioned something that quite a few other posters have - that the books etc. are written to a certain narrative/nobody wants to be the person looking smug at mum and baby group/a book about ‘I had a baby and it was lovely’ would be pretty dull. Something important to bear in mind (and I wonder how the children in these books will feel when they grow up). It’s important to recognise the difficulties regarding parenting, childbirth etc but this thread is really helping me visualise the positives.

**havent ruined my body

Having children is the most intense adventure ever and the greatest privilege of my life. It’s the greatest joy in the universe: literally.

It's the best thing ever, it's the hardest thing ever, it's the most rewarding thing ever. It's totally indescribable how you feel when your child smiles at you. The hard bits are so totally outweighed by magic. You'll be grand.

Good for you. Sadly lots of people don't have the experience you have had. I think it's helpful to hear both sides and probably worth neither side diminishing the other given you can only know your own.

You'll find a resilience you never knew you had, not all day everyday but at the times you need it the most you do just power on. You'll be more in love then you can possibly comprehend right now. You'll laugh and find pleasure in things you'd assume were boring or annoying.

Of course all the stressful bits will be there too and they'll be times they feel more over bearing than the good bits. But they are quickly forgotten, the good bits will keep you warm forever. Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy it because it won't last and those stretchy jeans will be in the loft pretty soon...

Gosh it's such a tricky one, I'm a mother and I really believe there's positives and negatives about having children or not.

I have close friends who don't have children by choice. I don't believe I'm luckier than them or not luckier than them for having children.

not having children means having more disposable income to spend on yourself, more ability to be spontaneous have less responsibilities etc more time to do the things you want to do.

having children means having less disposable income to spend on yourself but I mostly enjoy spending it on my children anyway. Less ability to be spontaneous but taking my children to something they enjoy that is planned brings me a lot of joy too. You can still be a bit spontaneous if you want to just maybe in a different way. Having less time to do the things you want to do, but again watching my children enjoy something makes my heart sing and if you have a supportive husband/ wife/ partner you can both still make time to do things you want to do for yourself.

is one better or worse than the other, in my opinion no just different. I look at my child free by choice friend and think she's loving her life and good on her the things she experiences because she doesn't have children are amazing and personally i can't experience some of those things because I do have children, and I experience things because I have children that are also amazing that she can't experience because she doesn't have children.

good luck with everything you will be fine, change is big and always scary for everyone

There are plenty of stories about the downsides of being a mother, the horrors of childbirth etc.

The OP specifically asked for positive stories and I shared my own experience. Other people have different experiences and they are welcome to do so on one of the many, many, many threads, websites and Medium accounts about how terrible being a mother is.

OP, I read loads of negative threads on Mumsnet too and felt similar. I have LOVED being a mum to a baby (currently 7 months). The first month of cluster feeding etc. was really tough, but even in that month there were so many beautiful special moments too. The last few months since she was about two months old have been absolutely delightful. I've adored it. My baby sleeps OK at night and doesn't nap that much in the day so I've not got a 'perfect' baby but I imagine if she didn't sleep then it would be much tougher. However, it's so wonderful watching her grow, seeing her change every day, getting to know her lovely little laugh, making her giggle, when she learns new adorable things like reaching out to Mummy for a cuddle and waving (recent things), when she breastfeeds and gazes lovingly into my eyes, etc. I think even really young babies are so interesting as they are developing and learning all the time. There are so many special things about motherhood and while it's hard work, it feels like the loveliest, best kind of hard work to me, and honestly at the moment the only tough thing for me is I'm really dreading going back to work.

Also please read a lovely book called 'What Mothers Do'- it sounds like exactly what you need as it's really intelligent but also about the beauty of motherhood.