I’ve scared myself - what are the positives of having children?

[Salacia]

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant. It took quite a few rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc to get to this point. When I was going through all this I’ve read countless books (mostly memoirs) about pregnancy, motherhood etc. I’m not entirely sure why - I’m not sure if it was a matter of self preservation (if it doesn’t work then it won’t matter as much because it sounds awful) or because I’m a relentless pessimist and wanted to prepare myself for the worst (or some sort of strange emotional self harm).

Problem is, now it finally looks like it might happen for me all I can think about are these books. About how it’ll ruin my body and mind, the isolation, the tedium, damage to my relationship with my husband, the loss of identity. It makes me feel very self involved but I’m worried that I’m going to have to destroy myself. That there won’t be any spontaneity, fun or ability to do what I please ever again. I’m strangely not scared about giving birth at all (maybe because I’ve had a lot of health problems, hospitalisations and am medical - it seems the more familiar part of this whole thing) - it’s what comes next that terrifies me. What do I do with the baby when I get it home? Then I worry that worrying so much about this means I’m far too self involved to be a parent anyway and the poor kid is doomed.

I know it’s obviously going to be hard and everything will change (and change isn’t necessarily bad) but I could really do with hearing some positives to having children. I’m not scared of hard work, self sacrifice etc but I would like to get something out of it for myself too. It seems like there’s nothing to gain from being a mum (at least, not in the admittedly middle class, purple prose literary bubble I’ve created). I see friends with children and they seem happy but how do I know they don’t feel as wretched internally? Even the authors I’ve read often go on to have more than one so surely there must be some positives?

I feel so embarrassed writing this (I was going to NC but thought I should be brave) - does anybody have any thoughts? Or at least positives to having children so when I’m spiralling I have some new material to hand to combat these thoughts.

I think the fact you are thinking about all this now is a good thing. You can examine your feelings and address the areas you can prepare for. Although it's perfectly possible that this will change when your baby is born because probably right now you can't imagine the pleasure and joy of just sitting staring at your baby for hours.

You are right, for a while your life will change out of all recognition (even now 18 years later I look back and think how was I unable to get my lunch ready before 3pm when was son was first born?!) but then you will start to build a "new normal" encompassing parts of your old life and your lovely new one .

I think the mantra for all new mothers should be "This too shall pass". With young children nothing lasts forever, the fun or the frustration, and when you are feeling a bit overwhelmed it's good to remember that.

Trusting your own instincts and doing what feels right for you and your family, regardless of what advice others give you, or how other people are doing it is the best way to keep your sanity. My first son was not a fan of sleep but things got a lot easier for me when I stopped listening to people telling me what to do and decided to just accept it was going to be hard for a while but wouldn't last forever. But that was my instinct and yours might be different.

After warning you against taking advice I am going to give you two pieces! If you are planning on breastfeeding then making contact with a local breastfeeding group (La Leche League is good) before your baby is born is a really smart move. Most of us have not been around breastfeeding women as we would have been 50 years ago and whilst it is a natural thing, it can also be good to know what to expect, especially as so many heath visitors are so poorly trained in bf advice.

Secondly do try local mum and baby groups as soon as you feel able. These days mothering can be a lonely thing if you don't already have friends with similar age babies and whilst you won't like everyone at these groups l, chances are you will make one or two friends who you can hang out with and will save your sanity.

A depth of love that you can't imagine.

The cuddles!! Alllll the cuddles 🥰🥰🥰

OP, the thing to remember is every single parenting journey is different.

I had ds at 45, had the perfect pregnancy, no nausea, but a difficult birth. An easy, healthy baby, a marriage that collapsed.
Been a single mum since ds was 2 and I can honestly say he is the best, most joyous thing I have ever done.
I don't regret a second, and it hasn't ruined my body, all bits still working, no stretch marks, still a size 10, still park running, still working full time.
You have to go into it - birth, motherhood etc - with an open mind and a willingness to embrace whatever happens.
You'll be a great mum, honestly. xx

@Salacia I tried so hard to come up with something profound and perfectly succinct but I actually can’t (just not that clever unfortunately).

I can only tell you that my 2 girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The love, joy and laughter they have brought into my life is immeasurable. I am a much better person for learning / working hard to push my self involved thoughts aside and focus on another person.

I have learnt patience. Compassion. Empathy: - yes even with a tantrumming mini — terrorist— / human. I have learnt to be agile - mentally and physically (eyes in the back of the head!).

I have learnt to trust myself (making decisions about weaning , vaccinations, when to seek medical help etc).

I have grown in confidence. All these things are fully available to people in all the many different aspects of life ie it’s not specific only to motherhood. Obviously, anyone is able to mature and achieve personal development without having to have a child to facilitate this. However FOR ME my 2 girls have been the making of me. I have really had to learn to level up. Because, essentially - the love. I just absolutely love them.

Tiredness, naughtiness, money spent (!!!), one more mention of the tiredness to underline how bad it was, the mess ….. it’s an easy list to compile.

For me, personally, it comes down to the way they have expanded my heart. I love them so much and that is what has got me through so far (DDs 10 and 7).

The endless night wakings, miscarriages, post c section recovery, the reflux, the whispered angry fights with my husband at 3am, the boredom of soft play, the cost of childcare, the bugs from
school and nursery, etc etc - all that can’t be ignored.

However, for me it has been absolutely worth it because of the love.

Congratulations and good luck. 💐

Thank you everyone - this is all so helpful.

Your baby/toddler/young child will worship you. It’s a kind of love like no other. My 4year old told me I’m beautiful this morning. And he really really meant it. Every time I pick him up from school I am greeting with the best smile in the world.
The whole being worried about losing yourself thing is normal, but the flip side of this is that the mother-baby bond kind of feels like your baby is actually still a part of you that has just been physically separated. I breastfed and when my kid was 4 and a half months and we were about to start weaning (as per medical advice where I live), I had this incredible thought that every single atom of my baby (bar one sperm cell) has been given to him by my body. Childhood is the process of watching them grow into their own little person and letting them grow more independent and you’ll feel so proud every time they learn a new thing.

Have a search on here and find the threads of batshit parenting confessions, the things we do for love that are a bit mad. So rubbing tear free shampoo into our eyes to check it is tear free or sleeping with glasses on to be ready to attend to a baby immediately. Funny and come from a place of pure devotion, that I find really beautiful. All these lucky babies with loving parents.

It is hard OP but if you ever lose joy in parenting, it is lost, it will come back, everything is temporary, it’s not gone.

I agree with the poster who said you don’t lose yourself, you find yourself. Everything I’ve ever done pales in comparison to motherhood. It is the deepest, strongest, most exciting and passionate love I’ve ever felt. It’s also the most stable and comforting love I’ve ever felt. I worry less about the future now because I know my future is loving her. The world seems a more beautiful place through her eyes. My relationship with my DH and parents has never been better. I’m more confident, more assertive, more fun. I love the constant problem solving, I loveworking out how to give her the best day possible. But I’m also still me, I still go to the gym and talk to my friends and visit museums and galleries and do the things I did before. I’ve gained so much and I don’t think I’ve lost anything. Of course there are hard bits, and these are what people post about as they are easier to put into words. The good bits are truly impossible to describe.

“you don’t lose yourself, you find yourself”

I really like that - thank you.

My dc are the best thing I have ever done, life is hard and we are about to have a child free night and I am counting down till I can drop them off but I still think they are awesome. My eldest looks like he has some additional needs and therefore can be more challenging then some but he is hilarious and sweet and a joy and youngest is stubborn but cute. I think making sure you have time as a couple every once in a while is good for you as a couple but no regrets having children. I am one of the odd ones who think the first year is magical and love it!!

@Salacia, honestly, I would ignore anyone else’s experiences, positive or negative.

There’s no ‘standard’ experience of being a mother — think how your life, relationships, work, family, home situation, beliefs, personality, intelligence etc are different in numerous way from other people’s. The same is true of being a parent, with the added unknown of the baby, who will have a lot of his or her unknowns too, and the unknown of your spouse/partner as parent, and the changes to your relationship as you negotiate parenthood.

I have an 11 year old, but have often found I didn’t recognise much of what other people wrote on here, because we’re all individuals. Even in the most basic ways, my life as a married professional WOHM of one who moves around a lot is going to be very different to a SAHM single mother of four living ten minutes from her birthplace and surrounded by family.

I think I’m pretty much the same person I was before having DS, just with a child.

It is hard. They often do ruin your body eat I to your finances and time. You will find new levels of tired. Friendships shift and change. You loose yourself you are just mummy, people call you mum when you are not their mum but they cba to learn or remember your name. Once you are into middle school years you get yourself back again.

But I would never not be a mother. The love you feel for a child cannot be explained in a book or in a Mumsnet post. It's worth it very very worth it.

There are elements that are hard - I found BF very hard but switched to FF - but I don't find being a parent overall that hard. My relationship with the DH is better. I take better care of myself because it's more important than ever to be healthy. I always found 'me' time. Being a parent has also given me more confidence in other areas of my life - I remember my boss saying how much I'd changed/matured/shown ambition since coming back from mat leave. I was a much higher performer at work after having a baby than I was before. I love DS and he's obviously the best thing about my life but pretty much all aspects have changed for the better, whether directly or indirectly.

OP, l got pregnant by accident and l remember absolutely sobbing when l found out cos ut wasn't want l wanted AT ALL.
Even when l went to be induced, l still wasn't sure.
But the moment they handed dd to me after an emergemcy c-section, everything changed and l cannot imagine my life without dd, nor would l want to.
You will have ups and downs of course but for me, my dd is a blessing

Its so true that the days are long but the years are short. Also no stage lasts forever and its ok to not enjoy every stage. There's also a whole new world when you have your baby, new people to meet, new groups to try with them.

With regards to your body and losing your identity, you do have to work at that one cause unfortunately your family will take every scrap if they can. I dont drive so walked everywhere after I had my kids and also breastfed, which meant I lost a lot of weight which was a nice surprise. There's also loads of fitness videos on youtube, as I'm sure you already know. I'm at a very different stage now, but love the Get Fit with Rick workouts. I also made sure I put a bit of make up on every day and wore clothes that I liked, albeit in a time and budget efficient way.

If you can, I would carry on working cause it will make life easier afterwards. Also agree that you should take any help that's offered.

Personally I think the older years are more enjoyable, I look back on the young years and remember how exhausting it all was, but I still remember being quite happy a lot of the time. I now have a 14 year old and 17 year old and they fill me with pride. I love how independent they're getting. My 14 year old cooked pasta for us last night which was great. Obviously the teenage years have some tricky bits, but I prefer them overall.

Absolutely your life chang

They love you
They hug you
They make you laugh
They make you see the world afresh with wonder (especially when they are toddlers)
They introduce you to new music, ideas, comedians etc (especially when they are teens)
They take you out of your comfort zone - you learn so many new things
You get such a thrill from watching them thrive
You grow so much as a person by raising them - build strength and resilience
Their laughter is a drug
Their abilities enchant you
They surprise you in such gorgeous ways
You feel a love more powerful than any other emotion
You feel a purpose more clear and profound than any other thing you do in life

For all the angst and mess and the EXHAUSTION, nothing else in my life has ever been this exhilarating (and I had a very exciting life by many standards before they were born and a much 'duller' one since.

Not everyone will agree - and they have every right to differ, but raising my children is the adventure of a lifetime for me, and for a lot of mothers, I think.

Being a mum is the best thing I've ever done. They both are hilarious little people. I feel confident in myself as a mother in a way I didn't think I would. Life changes, but you want it to!

I don't know if I feel happier but I feel more fulfilled than I ever did before having kids. I don't feel more unhappy either. It's not really about happiness. Just, I feel like me but more. More grounded, more responsible, more able to go with the flow, more able to appreciate life. It's just a whole lifestyle shift.

I have two under five, and sometimes when I have an hour's break without kids during the day it's like when you've been swimming under water and come up to take a huge gulp of air. It's hard to describe, but the breaks feel better! Before I had more time for myself, I was more self absorbed and selfish, and I didn't have the contrast of chaos and demands as a counterpoint I guess.

I had a bad labour, postpartum anxiety and my baby barely slept for the first year of her life. I'd go through all that 1000x over if I had to to have her. She is by far the greatest joy of my life. I love her far beyond how much I ever thought was possible to love someone. She has made my life more complicated, exhausting, expensive, and orders of magnitude more wonderful.
Yes, it's hard, there's no denying that. But the best things in life don't come easy, and you have such an adventure ahead of you. There is so much to look forward to. And once you've fallen in love with your little baby you'll find the strength you need to to get through the hard bits.
Congratulations!

My dc are teens so I can only tell you the benefits of this stage. I have two interesting people in my house who are good company and enrich my life. My dd likes to have days out with me so this week being half term we have been out and about together. We have been to the zoo, a national trust property, lunches out and generally enjoyed each others company.
My ds is a bit older so prefers time with his friends but we still check in with each other daily and we are enjoying a box set together late in the evening when everyone else is in bed.
As time goes on I hope they will eventually become parents and I will have even more people in my close family.
No one on their death bed regrets not putting time into their job but people do regret not having more children.

I think it's useful to read about other peoples' experiences and prepare yourself for the things you might struggle with, but I think it's worth looking at these memoirs etc with a big pinch of salt. I think up until about 15-20 years ago, there was a bit of a taboo around talking about the difficulties of parenting in public discourse. In my opinion there has been a bit of an overcorrection - in exploring the sides of parenting that were previously hidden from public discussion, it's almost like the focus is now on those aspects exclusively. Additionally, I think that people are (rightly) more sensitive to what others might be going through, so nobody wants to go to a baby group and say 'my baby is amazing, I'm having the best time of my life' because you don't want to sound like a huge jerk.

Obviously there are challenges to parenting and everyone's experience is different, but nothing could have prepared me for just how fun it would be. My kid is a riot and I just love him more than I ever thought possible. None of the doom and gloom ended up happening - my mental health is better than ever because being a parent has made me able to not sweat the small stuff. I'm also achieving much more now that I'm back at work, because being a parent has made me much more efficient with my time, and also really boosted my confidence because if I can create and look after a human being, I can do anything!

I hope you enjoy being a parent! It's honestly been the most fun and rewarding thing I have ever done.

I‘ve had similar doubts during my first pregnancy and the first months after the birth were really really hard. I was like a zombie for over a year. Sleep deprived and my body is „wobblier“ despite the same weight. But i got to experience a love that noone can describe to you. Bigger than anything you could imagine now. I have my second child now and still very little time for myself, DH and I are both exhausted all the time but i wouldn‘t change it. Children bring so much joy.
My body flaws also seem less important now..
Hope you can enjoy the rest od your pregnancy. Don’t worry too much!

It's a process and a journey TBH. None of it lasts forever and each stage passes eventually.

If your relationship doesn't survive then it wasn't right in the first place and you make peace with that. Mine definitely wasn't.

I can't describe the impact motherhood on me. It has definitely changed me. Some things are worse (my body for example). A lot of things are better. I found a strength inside me I never knew existed. But you can work on getting back into shape, building a career back up and finding a new relationship etc. You just need to accept that it takes a long time afterwards. Like years, not months. But that's OK and that phase too will pass.

The early years are relentless. But when they can talk, and actually look after themselves etc it gets a lot of fun.