I work my life around my son - is this wrong?

[DB1991]

I have a son who will be 2 in June. We had a bit of a rough start because he was in the neonatal unit until he was 15 days old then had terrible reflux until at least 9 months. He is my first child and I will admit I struggled a bit, I don’t have many friends or family with young children apart from my cousin who has two boys, now in primary school which brings me on to this... at Christmas last year she fell out with me because she bought my son a Christmas present and I didn’t buy anything for her boys. I hadn’t long moved house and I had little money. I work part time now and while my husband works, our mortgage is high due to inflation just now. I tried to explain this to her but she didn’t want to know.

Instead brought up the fact I didn’t go to her Christmas party in November. I had said that I couldn’t go because she lives far away and it clashed with my son’s nap time. I am quite strict in that if I can get my son to nap in his bed then I’d prefer to do that as opposed to a car nap, since he only has one nap a day now. She basically said that her kids fitted around her life, not the other way around and the way I was doing things was wrong.

This has bothered me because I now wonder have I been doing things wrong and worry about how that will impact my son’s behaviour as he gets older. I have anxiety issues and sticking to routine helps me maintain that anxiety. There will always be days where things don’t go to plan for whatever reason and I try to manage that as best I can. I try my best every day for my son, but can’t help but wonder now if I’ve been doing the wrong thing all along.

Honestly, you sound like you're a bit too precious about his routine... declining an invitation because of a nap time would be interpreted as a snub by many, who would just assume that you didn't actually want to go. Ultimately it's up to you, though, and it isn't for anyone else to tell you that you're doing things "wrong". Just be aware that they may choose to distance themselves if you're so inflexible.

Couldn't your DH have taken time (off work if need be) to watch his DC so you could go to the party? Assuming you don't go to many..

Yes, cancelling plans because it's your toddler's nap time would be too precious and limiting in my book as well.

She has two in school. Assuming they’re not twins she’s done this more than once. You have one small toddler PFB. That’s fine, but you’re both coming from a different perspective. FWIW I wouldn’t have bought a present but I wouldn’t have missed the party for a nap either.

Whatever works best for you. But as your child gets older you may need to find other ways of managing your anxiety.

Agree with this

Its easy to get hung up on details with your first

In terms of gifts I'd have explained the situation ahead of time to her and perhaps just bought something small like a chocolate selection box for a couple of pounds

There's no right or wrong, only priorities.

Your prioritised your dc's daily nap over your friend's at-most-annual Christmas party.

Every choice has consequences. Having a nap in the car instead of at home might have made him cranky for one day. Missing your friend's Christmas party for this reason can damage or at least cool your friendship, perhaps permanently.

You've chosen your priorities so you have to accept the consequences. Personally I'd never have made that choice unless it was a friend I was prepared to lose.

I think your friend was pretty kind to have a word with you about it instead of simply never inviting you again.

You sound like you would benefit from more support and engagement with other young families. That isn’t meant as a criticism in any form. You have been through a lot, and it is stressful and isolating. Is there a nice friendly group you can join with your child? If you try one group and it doesn’t work for you, try another one, find your happy place.
The occasional car nap instead of a bedroom nap, does not matter.
Don’t hide yourself away, find a balance.
Good Luck.

Yeah, I'd probably keep distance from a friend who was that precious over a nap too. It's just a nap, if it gets missed, so what? They get a bit cranky, you might have a tough few hours but I'd take that over missing social events, especially when you say you don't have many friends or family.

This, really. Stick to the routine by all means, but be aware this may have consequences. Buy a child a £2 selection box if money is tight, or just explain ahead of time you’re not buying presents.

It’s a shame about the Xmas presents. It’s hard to tell who was unreasonable or not. If you are close and see each other a fair amount I think you probably should have got them gifts. My default is to buy for the kids in the family unless told otherwise. If her gift to your DC came out of the blue and you barely know each other then I don’t think you were unreasonable.

I don’t think either of you are right or wrong about naps and parties. Your priorities just clash. DS1 needed a pretty rigid nap otherwise he was a total nightmare. So far DS2 is a lot more flexible. If having a tight schedule makes you feel calm then stick to it, accepting that others may not agree.

Going against the grain here and saying she’s being harsh on you, first about the present and then about your situation. Her kids are older. She can come to you much more easily. You’ll be ok op it’ll get easier in time.

My son would scream and scream when overtired and be up all night. Awful. I think you’ve got to realise all kids are different.

Cancelling plans because of nap time is ridiculous. If a friend did that to me I'd assume they weren't fussed about the friendship and I wouldn't bother inviting them again.

It is fine not to want to go to her party, but dont pretend it is because of a nap - just say you are not up for it

My son would scream and scream when overtired and be up all night. Awful. I think you’ve got to realise all kids are different.

Thanks @Newsenmum for schooling me, I have five of my own. Been there, done that. Nobody dies.

Couldn’t he have had a nap at her place ? I’m with your cousin on this .

But sometimes it’s not worth it for that short period of time where things are especially difficult. It depends on your mental health doesn’t it and the health of your child.
Id probably be the same with my current child but with my first I was more like the op and he has additional needs which you don’t know at the time, but is often why it’s so much harder.

@Newsenmum It's absolutely your choice, but as other's have said in making those decisions to be a bit precious then you have to accept the consequence that people are going to think you're a bit flaky and probably won't bother asking you anywhere or inviting you again.

Wow I must live in very different circles to all the posters on here. My friends all started organising their socialising around nap times since their babies were newborns. I've done the same with mine. No one has ever had a problem with it. We all accept that some babies will do car naps happily and others won't. We don't judge each other and fall out over it, that's ridiculous. Your cousin is being ridiculous OP and needs to accept everyone parents in the way that's right for them. I'm sure there'll be many Xmas parties in future you can attend.

Feel like you're getting a hard time here OP! You asked about whether this will affect your son - I doubt it. In the early years sometimes it is easier to stick to their routine but it won't always be like this and I'm sure you'll feel more confident about mixing it up in the future.

Organising your Bumps and Babies weekly coffee around nap times - fine. Missing a yearly party is on a different level though.

If people don't invite me somewhere because I'm protecting my mental health and the health of my SEN child, they're probably invitations I could live without.

As far as I can tell what the norm is around small children and schedules, most mums do arrange their day to allow the child to nap when they know they will be tired. I've known one particular mum to be very strict on this, down to exact times every day. Most people are less strict I think.

For rare and special occasions such as a Christmas party or other one off get together I think most just manage the best they can with car/pram naps. My two little ones have stayed up at ungodly hours for Christmas parties and just seem to keep runnning on pure excitement of being with a houseful of people.

I've been known to brush their teeth and get their pjs on before getting back in the car to drive home so they can fall asleep and be plopped in bed when we get to the other side.

I think it's important for kids to feel part of a extended family group and take part in family and cultural celebrations and missing a bit of sleep on an odd occasion won't do them any harm.

Your cousin was quite rude to pull you up on the lack of a present and completely ungracious in not accepting your explanation. It's unfortunate this wasn't discussed in advance though.