I work my life around my son - is this wrong?

[DB1991]

I have a son who will be 2 in June. We had a bit of a rough start because he was in the neonatal unit until he was 15 days old then had terrible reflux until at least 9 months. He is my first child and I will admit I struggled a bit, I don’t have many friends or family with young children apart from my cousin who has two boys, now in primary school which brings me on to this... at Christmas last year she fell out with me because she bought my son a Christmas present and I didn’t buy anything for her boys. I hadn’t long moved house and I had little money. I work part time now and while my husband works, our mortgage is high due to inflation just now. I tried to explain this to her but she didn’t want to know.

Instead brought up the fact I didn’t go to her Christmas party in November. I had said that I couldn’t go because she lives far away and it clashed with my son’s nap time. I am quite strict in that if I can get my son to nap in his bed then I’d prefer to do that as opposed to a car nap, since he only has one nap a day now. She basically said that her kids fitted around her life, not the other way around and the way I was doing things was wrong.

This has bothered me because I now wonder have I been doing things wrong and worry about how that will impact my son’s behaviour as he gets older. I have anxiety issues and sticking to routine helps me maintain that anxiety. There will always be days where things don’t go to plan for whatever reason and I try to manage that as best I can. I try my best every day for my son, but can’t help but wonder now if I’ve been doing the wrong thing all along.

Have you always bought gifts for her kids and just didn't this year?

You do what works for you.

I had a child that was a bad sleeper. I'd turn down invitations if they were going to be sleeping or overtired. At 2 though for a party they would enjoy, then I'd probably have gone and hoped they slept a bit in the car to offset the crankiness that would follow. It's your choice though. No one has to go to a party. How far away was it?

You'll probably find your DS starts to drop his nap soon or sleep less during the day. That can help with a bit more flexibility around what you do each day.

If you'd not previously bought presents for your cousin's children how were you to know she'd buy for yours? If finances are tight I wouldn't be looking to add more annual Christmas and birthday presents to the shopping list. If you've got other cousins and siblings that might have future children the present list could get quite large. We only exchange token presents with direct nieces/nephews, not the wider children in the family because it would simply be too much for us.

I don't think working plans around a nap time is a bad thing (and have done so myself) IF not doing so means the child COULDN'T have a chance to nap, but if it's a long distance could he not have napped in the car on the way there or back?

Yes it's nice to be in a bed, but a carseat is still somewhere reasonably comfy and still.And at 2 its not like you have to worry about any 'sleeping for too long in the carseat' risks like a young baby.

I lived life through my firstborn and sacraficed my own alot in the first few years, but it made me feel like I was missing out alot at times.
If you're happy with it that's fine, but don't feel you 'have to' give up everything.
I have much more of a balance now but am still a present, dedicated and responsive parent.
It's lovely you're so invested in him, but you can have both without sacrificing everything- he needs to grow up knowing mummy is able to do things for herself sometimes too.

Your cousin sounds a but mean!
The present thing is ridiculous to get in a huff about. I'd think you were a bit PFB and roll my eyes but I'd never have a go at you for the nap thing. There isn't a right or wrong in this situation just people have different priorities.

You won't damage your child with this. It sounds like you are meeting his needs really well. As long as you are happy then don't overthink.

Using your son's nap time as your reason for not going to her Christmas party is actually a bit of a weak sounding excuse. Just say that you don't want to go or are in the middle of moving house etc.

I hate parties so it would probably have been "thanks but no thanks" from me anyway.

If you normally buy Christmas gifts for her children then did you prearrange with her that financially you would be unable to this time around and say that she didn't need to buy for yours either? Or did you just not do it? You really should have discussed it with her beforehand to stop the situation from arising and preempt any bad feelings. If you did discuss beforehand then fine, she's being a dick. If you didn't then that's on you, I'm afraid.

Thanks for all your replies. Some were quite harsh but appreciate your opinions. For more context, my son does not nap well in the car and gets really upset - that’s why I try and stick to a house nap. My cousin and I have never been particularly close, hence my surprise she bought my son a gift. The Christmas party was for family only and quite frankly didn’t understand why she was so bothered I didn’t go because I don’t usually go. She lives around an hour from my house so it’s quite a distance to travel and I was on my own because my husband works weekends.

I have honestly tried to be more flexible but I prefer to get my son his nap first then arrange to meet people in the afternoon. I take the view that if that doesn’t work for them then we can always meet another day when I get some help from my husband or my mum. I think some comments are fair when it’s being said all kids are different, but my son can be quite hard work when he’s tired and I therefore just try to keep the peace as much as possible. I’d never judge another mum for wanting to do that.

@WolfFoxHare But that's not really what OP said.

There is no right or wrong here. Some people do priorities toddler naps over everything, and while it can be a bit frustrating for everyone else it’s their choice. You may just find people are less keen to make plans with you if it feels everything must revolve round the toddler though. I get that nap is important, but try to be flexible as I want to see my friends and family who don’t have toddlers and understand the world doesn’t revolve around us.
It won’t impact your sons behavior at all as he gets older, so don’t worry about that! At not even 2 he won’t realize you are prioritizing his naps!

I think it's completely fair enough for you to do whatever works for you...no judgement here as we are all different and we all have different priorities etc.

I think you just have to accept that other people will equally do what works for them, and that might include editing out people who are so wedded to their rigid routines that it makes it hard to maintain the relationship.

It's never wrong to prioritise your child, and it sounds like you are working hard on being a good mum. But, I am not sure that skipping a family party because of his nap was the right thing to do. Did you want to go to the party? Would your ds have enjoyed it? Do you want to have a good relationship with your cousin, given that you said you don't have many friends with dc. Is his nap on one day really a good reason to fall out with your cousin, and miss a day that you would have enjoyed as a family? The present thing, I think you should have given the boys something small, or agreed in advance no presents if you couldn't afford it. I think your cousin is being a bit precious about that, but perhaps she feels it's part of a bigger picture of her making an effort and you not bothering.

'I'm having a Christmas family get together, here's your invite!'

OP: 'I can't, my son is napping then..'

Feeble excuse. YANBU about the gifts. But being so precious and regimented about a nap, especially talking about a toddler here and not a baby..

Bit precious really. I'd be miffed if my friends / family didn't bother to make an effort to be a little adaptable.

You need to do what works best for you and your family. Everyone is different.
I put my children first, and always have and make no apologies for that. They are grown up now, almost, but we kept things very simple in the early days and stretched ourselves more as they grew up. Do what makes you happy op.

To add

on the face of it, if you usually buy for them at Christmas, to not buy gifts and not attend a family party due to a toddlers nap, it comes across pretty flaky and precious.

You’ll have people telling you you are wrong etc… Usually People who will also tell you that children just fit around you etc…

In reality, children are all different. There is no way I could have done that with my dcs, dc2 in particular. A nap in the car = tired toddler at bedtime = impossible for him to fall asleep + bad night of sleep = cranky child the next day.
A friend of mine had a child who was the opposite and would have refused to sleep unless in her bed and no one on the house. Cue for her baby/toddler awake until 1.00am and parents were back home from seeing friends. The difference was that her dd then slept until 12..00pm whereas mine was still awake at 6.30am!

Both children are now about 18yo and have suffered from no ill effect from either keeping a strict routine regarding naps etc… or being up way way last their bed time. Because it worked FOR THEM.

Just do what works for you and your baby. They’re only 1yo. It’s fine.

Maybe adjust things next time slightly, so we would have gone to the party but left early or arrived later (by arrangement) to accommodate our children comfortably. Do you want to go to parties and have friends? This would have been fun for your child too.

But putting your rigid nap times before going to enriching events is not "putting your child first". Socialising in the community is good for children! It's putting your convenience first.

You see I’d be mifted if my family didn’t understand that my dc has different needs and their sleep is going to be first, because sleep is necessary to health.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

One possible answer for me would have been to leave baby with dh though. But I suspect it still wouldn’t have been good enough. The whole ‘we wanted to see baby’ even though baby would have been sleeping or grumpy due to noise/tiredness or taking a lot of OP attention.

It’s funny how so many posters are saying that the OP is wrong and basically too self centered. So she will lose friends etc…

But none of them can acknowledge the impact it has on her dc and put their own wish to see her at a specific time ahead if the needs if the child for sleep.

There’s no right or wrong, and of course we all prioritise our kids
but refusing to go to a family party saying “my kid needs to nap at home” sounds a lot like “I have to wash my hair” - a bad excuse to get out of something you don’t want to do and cannot be bothered about the person inviting you
I get overtired toddlers are not fun, and you do what you need to do, I’m just explaining it from the other side
also, no gifts for the kids, sorry sounds a bit mean, I get money is right but there are a lot of cheap “token” gifts you could have got for them, explain to the parent before hand if you’re bothered - just for future reference, Aldi, the works and other discount shops are your friend when money is thight

I think you're being too rigid, your life sounds pretty miserable. Missing a family party for a nap is sad, I'd be annoyed if i was your sister. Kids need to be adaptable, I think you're making a rod for your own back if they can only nap in their own bed. Fine if you keep doing this but you have to be prepared to lose friends and family. but everyone on MN seems to drop all their friends when they breed.

'You see I’d be mifted if my family didn’t understand that my dc has different needs and their sleep is going to be first, because sleep is necessary to health.'

@BlueSkyBlueLife

It's one occasion. A Christmas family party. Making adaptations for one family event isn't going to wreck havoc with PFB needs and well being.

If the child is that unadaptable to the point they can't go to a one off family event then IMO that's a rod for their own back..

Either is fine some people fit their life in around their kids; some their kids around their life and most are a mixture (I am). Everybody is just doing what works for them so there's no real point comparing or judging.

Although I do believe it's a lot less of a choice and more dictated by the child's temperament than people like to believe.

The nap thing depends hugely on the baby. My first needed to nap on schedule or she'd get over tired and then have a bad evening, bad overnight sleep and one missed or poor nap would result in literally days of crankiness for everyone. She'd nap in the car on a long drive but not in the buggy so naps were at home unless we were going somewhere at least an hour away.

Youngest was more typical (and sunnier in general) in that she could sleep in the cot, buggy and car and she doesn't have that overtired setting so a missed nap would mean an early bedtime and then a normal overnight and following day.

If I only had DC like my DC2 I'd think parents of DCs like my DC1 were overly precious for sure!

Eldest is 5 now btw and no ill effects - she's great at bedtime, sleeps well, has to be hauled out of bed in the morning, decent in the car despite a bit of travel sickness. No regrets about how we got through that first year or two with her!

Most of us aren't saying that she is wrong to do what works for her.

We are simply saying that not everyone will be willing to work around such rigid routines. That's just a fact.

And yes, of course all children are different but I do think that parents who are more rigid/routine-bound from the start probably teach their kids not to cope well with changes to the schedule. Routines are unheard of in my DH's culture, there simply isn't a concept that kids have to do certain things at certain times. The kids all seem to cope perfectly well with the more "go with the flow" approach tbh, so I'm less than convinced that some kids naturally need that kind of rigid structure, and think it's more likely that they simply get used to it and then struggle when changes occur. Of course there will probably be some exceptions to this, e.g. where ASD is involved.

The Christmas gifts and money being tight, not an issue for me at all but I would expect a conversation before hand to say let’s not do gifts this year. If I received a gift I wasn’t expecting for dc, I’d have at least then got a couple of selections boxes for her dcs. Not going to a party due to nap time, I wouldn’t have commented on at all ( your choice) but I probably wouldn’t bother inviting you to the next one.