I work my life around my son - is this wrong?

[DB1991]

I have a son who will be 2 in June. We had a bit of a rough start because he was in the neonatal unit until he was 15 days old then had terrible reflux until at least 9 months. He is my first child and I will admit I struggled a bit, I don’t have many friends or family with young children apart from my cousin who has two boys, now in primary school which brings me on to this... at Christmas last year she fell out with me because she bought my son a Christmas present and I didn’t buy anything for her boys. I hadn’t long moved house and I had little money. I work part time now and while my husband works, our mortgage is high due to inflation just now. I tried to explain this to her but she didn’t want to know.

Instead brought up the fact I didn’t go to her Christmas party in November. I had said that I couldn’t go because she lives far away and it clashed with my son’s nap time. I am quite strict in that if I can get my son to nap in his bed then I’d prefer to do that as opposed to a car nap, since he only has one nap a day now. She basically said that her kids fitted around her life, not the other way around and the way I was doing things was wrong.

This has bothered me because I now wonder have I been doing things wrong and worry about how that will impact my son’s behaviour as he gets older. I have anxiety issues and sticking to routine helps me maintain that anxiety. There will always be days where things don’t go to plan for whatever reason and I try to manage that as best I can. I try my best every day for my son, but can’t help but wonder now if I’ve been doing the wrong thing all along.

I think you cousin is being unfair. Were you the only person going to her party?!

If it were me I wouldn't be bothered in the least if someone didn't attend an event, attendance isn't mandatory.

As for the present thing if comes across as quite grabby.

I think those with older children often forget how overwhelming being a first time mum can be.

You have made the decision to do what's best for you, I'd do the same. I always prioritised my children's routine and as a result they have always slept well from very early on.

It's fair enough if she would do things differently - I'm sure she wouldn't have appreciated someone breathing down her neck for "doing things wrong".

Honestly why can't we live and let live without so much judgement.

Everyone has to choose what's best for them. She did and you have. End of story!

It's your life and your child and you have to do what works for you.

I didn't want to be tied, so I did what I wanted when I wanted and DD just went everywhere and slept whenever, wherever.

My friend religiously put her child to bed every day at 10am and 2pm and that was her choice.

Neither of us criticised the other for their choice.

I'm strict with nap times because dealing with the fallout just isn't worth it and ultimately, I'm the one who will then have to deal with a screaming, grumpy, overtired toddler who would make the party a nightmare for everyone anyway.

Mine too. It can also cause issues later if you have to for some reason miss this nap window. It's good for a child to have a schedule but not a regimented one to that extent. But as far as the gifts that was nasty. No one should be pressured or treated badly for not being able to afford gifts for family or friends.i buy my best friend's boys every year. Some years she buys my dd. I know money is tight and I could not care less if she doesn't buy my dd.

I'd have probably tried to attend the party by pushing the nap forward slightly so that my son still got to sleep in his bed, a little earlier than normal, possibly a bit shorter and maybe got there a bit late. I want my son to be adaptable but ultimately routine suits us all, he's 18 months at the moment and we have a calm home life by me considering his needs as a priority.

The best thing about having kids is you can use them as an excuse not to do shit you don't want to do.
Your cousin doesn't sound very nice.

It isn't... but you weren't replying to the OP, were you? You were replying to someone else who was explaining WHY someone might end up sticking to a very strict nap routine. The OP has mentioned that her DC wasn't very well for the first nine months and that she struggled, so it's not hard to read between the lines if you have a bit of empathy.

My son was a nightmare for sleep. He napped so badly anyway that I did just chuck him into the car whenever, as it happens, but if I'd thought that a nap in his cot would mean a good night, damn right that's what I'd have prioritised. My mental health was so bad from sleep deprivation that I'd have done practically anything if it had meant a better chance of him sleeping well. It turns out he has SEN now. I'm so glad my family and friends looked at how I was struggling and thought "Let's cut her a few breaks, she's on her knees" not "Well, natural consequences, no more invites for you!"

But no one mentioned additional needs…

Sounds like you explained the gift thing AFTER she'd bought and given to your son. Appreciate some people are on the breadline and can't afford gifts and that's absolutely fine; only you know if this is the case with your family finances. A £2 selection box can be manageable - but not always - I get that. Telling her in advance would have been best.

Before the lack of gift you didn't attend her party because of a nap time clash.

I think it's reasonable for her to think you're not particularly invested in this relationship.

She has the right to be upset, but that doesn't mean you've done anything 'wrong'. Manage your finances and your child's sleeping pattern as you see fit, but expect snubbing your friends without communicating effectively to come at a cost.

I had PND, having a strict routine for DD was a major thing for my MH; most people had no idea of my problem, I don't think anyone made a comment about it being wrong, or unusual. We all parent our children differently according to all kinds of different things in our lives or personalities.

I tried to make sure my children were as adaptable as possible although I completely understand why others would do otherwise.
Mine would sleep in the car, pushchair, on a sofa, in some else’s bed. It made visiting friends and family easier but also helped them adapt to different environments. I remember dc1 sleeping in a carrycot under a pub table at a very young age! Admittedly this was 45 years ago….

Your priorities in life are up to you……….. but the message you have given your cousin is that your son having one nap in his bed over having a nap in a buggy or car for one day, was more important to you than attending her party. That’s fine, but you can’t then be surprised that she felt hurt by that and feels like you don’t care very much about her. And you can’t be surprised when people stop inviting you to things.

I did the same thing. Mine is 13 and can sleep anywhere.

I've always fitted my life around the needs of my children and now that I'm a grandmother my grandchildren come first. I've always been a SAH mother and have waited doing things for myself untill my children went to Kindergarten (I'm not in the UK). In the first few years of their lives I did nice things that included the children and together with friends in the same situation. We're still friends, our children are still friends. What's more, my children encourage me to do the same with their children, so my grandchildren. I am a very happy woman and I don't have any regrets 😊

Well, it’s nice that you’re happy with your choices, obviously, but there’s honestly no need for such an orgy of self-denial. It sounds as if you’re suggesting that you feel you were right to make the choices you did because your children ‘encourage you to do the same’ with their children (what, though? Put them first? Hang out with friends with grandchildren the same age?)

<<<<slow clap>>>>

My friend was really strict about nap times snd where they happened, I was always more relaxed and prioritised getting out more. My LB has never napped in his bed / cot (and won’t), which was a pain in the arse at times. Equally gets will only nap at home at the right time, which is fine unless she needs to go out. Swings and roundabouts I’d say, there’s no right answer.

I have honestly tried to be more flexible but I prefer to get my son his nap first then arrange to meet people in the afternoon. I take the view that if that doesn’t work for them then we can always meet another day when I get some help from my husband or my mum.

And what if their routine does not match yours, who would you expect to compromise? Or would you just never meet. Routine is all very well but occasional flexibility is important and might just teach you it is more for you than your dc.

You see, I didn’t and dc1 who is now 21yo can sleep anywhere too…

It seems that ‘teaching flexibility on where and when you sleep’ when they are so young doesn’t have such an impact after all…

dc2 who had an extremely light sleep and needed the right environment as a baby … still does and he is 19yo. He also was mater diagnosed in the spectrum. It seems that it was more a personality issue rather than what I taught him. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I was super strict with my routine and it worked as my DC was a great sleep, 12 hours at night. All of my friends are like this too. It's just part of having a baby/toddler. He'll stop napping soon enough and you'll get some flexibility back. None of my friends or family had a problem with working around our routine as they're not selfish arseholes

I don't really understand your post. You did what you thought was best for you, you asked if you were right or wrong, lots of people said wrong, you say no what I did was actually fair enough. Sure, so why ask for opinions?

If you’ve always done presents but you didn’t tell her you couldn’t afford it this year, I think you’re in the wrong here.

i don’t really think where they nap is as important as when they nap. You said it was about the place and not the time, which I don’t think is worth missing a party over. It definitely sounds like you’re using nap routine as an excuse.

My life isn’t miserable at all. I have a very fulfilling life.. I work part time, I have many hobbies. I wasn’t asking for anyone’s opinion on that.

Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from. My son sleeps 12 hours every night and I believe it’s down to be being strict with his routine.

@DB1991 No one knows the long term impact of choices like this - but prioritising your mental health is never the wrong choice. I had a poorly firstborn too and was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety years before - this took it to another level. Routines were (and still are) such a massive help to me feeling grounded and well.

Maybe I should have been more strict, the last time my ds5 slept through I went into labour with his sister... who recently turned 2 🤣