I work my life around my son - is this wrong?

[DB1991]

I have a son who will be 2 in June. We had a bit of a rough start because he was in the neonatal unit until he was 15 days old then had terrible reflux until at least 9 months. He is my first child and I will admit I struggled a bit, I don’t have many friends or family with young children apart from my cousin who has two boys, now in primary school which brings me on to this... at Christmas last year she fell out with me because she bought my son a Christmas present and I didn’t buy anything for her boys. I hadn’t long moved house and I had little money. I work part time now and while my husband works, our mortgage is high due to inflation just now. I tried to explain this to her but she didn’t want to know.

Instead brought up the fact I didn’t go to her Christmas party in November. I had said that I couldn’t go because she lives far away and it clashed with my son’s nap time. I am quite strict in that if I can get my son to nap in his bed then I’d prefer to do that as opposed to a car nap, since he only has one nap a day now. She basically said that her kids fitted around her life, not the other way around and the way I was doing things was wrong.

This has bothered me because I now wonder have I been doing things wrong and worry about how that will impact my son’s behaviour as he gets older. I have anxiety issues and sticking to routine helps me maintain that anxiety. There will always be days where things don’t go to plan for whatever reason and I try to manage that as best I can. I try my best every day for my son, but can’t help but wonder now if I’ve been doing the wrong thing all along.

There is no way I could have done that with my dcs, dc2 in particular. A nap in the car = tired toddler at bedtime = impossible for him to fall asleep + bad night of sleep = cranky child the next day.

But...that's not the end of the world is it?

Not the end of the world. But managing a cranky toddler at a party followed by a shit night's sleep followed by a day with a cranky toddler when you're not at your best thanks to said shit night's sleep is zero fun.

Also of zero fun to the small child.

A bit precious to have a child with additional needs? Wow. Luckily my friends are a tad more accommodating, as am I!

I agree. Some people are really not supportive are they. Feel so lucky with my circle! And I definitely do what I can to work around my friends with more issues.

I can understand to a point - If my son missed a napped / napped too late in the day etc it would really mess him up which basically meant I wouldn't get any sleep for several days. A couple of times people rolled their eyes but I honestly didn't care, my sleep was too important! I probably would have done it for a party though

You’re doing fine. Trust your instincts about how to look after your own child. No one else matters.

People have different parenting styles. Yours sounds more like the Gina Ford approach and your cousin's is different, but then her kids are that much older so maybe she doesn't remember what it is like with your first.

Personally I can't do routine and just took my kids with me wherever I went but I know for some people having a routine is really important and helps you feel in control.

Neither is right or wrong, just different.

I think missing a whole party because of a nap is a bit much. Your child won’t learn to adapt if you’re very strict with his routine and where he sleeps etc.
however, you do you, other peoples opinions don’t matter but bare in mind missing a big party for a nap is going to upset some people.
imagine if he had a birthday party and family didn’t attend because of a nap. Literally turn it the other way.
I will say however, I do avoid general day to day plans around nap time (ie lunch time).
a car nap is fine, if they live far away even better, they’ll get a decent nap
my little boy is 2 as well.
your cousin was a bit unfair on the Xmas present thing because some people can’t afford it and you probably felt rubbish about it as it was

You preferred to stay with your son at home than go to the party, you're not even close to the cousin and she lives miles away. I've no idea why so many people seem to have a problem with this.

Consistency and routine are fantastic for kids, at 2 years old a child doesn't need to be flexible or adaptable - and they definitely don't 'need' parties. They just need a really good caregiver that they have a very close bond with. Plenty of time in the future for the rest of it.

If the cousin is a bit pissed off do you even care? I'm guessing not so I wouldn't give it a second thought.

YABU. Remember this is for you not your child. They don't even need routine for the first two years- this is entirely about your anxiety issues - but that's justification enough,

Personally I find people who arrange their whole lives around naps irritating as it's entirely pointless. I've had one bad sleeper one good sleeper - the good one is the one who is the youngest, as once you have two it's not even a choice as you have to get on with your day.

Not sure my kids ever napped in their bed during the day. Often napped really well in the car, buggy, or if in the house they might nap in their bouncy chair or nest. But I had to keep mine upright (or at the least slightly raised) for sleep due to severe reflux. I spent a lot of time out of the house though and naps happened when they happened - often when needed and at similar times though. When you have your second your realise even more that you can’t run everything around the first child’s naps as you’d never get anywhere. Mine always needed their first nap of the day just as I was heading out for the school run!! I couldn’t exactly call school and say she wasn’t coming in or couldn’t be collected due to the baby’s nap. Same with clubs etc.

I wouldn't be impressed if you didn't come to something because it was nap time. Just let him snooze in his pushchair.

@TiredMummma lol at ‘they don’t need routine when they are under 2yo’

I can promise you my dcs needed routine at that age and thrived on it. From sleep to food, they had their rythm and following it rather than assuming they’d fit in made life 100x easier.

YOUR dcs might have been happy with no routine. Dint assume it’s the case for every child/toddler. Esp if you are not the one who then spends hours trying to deal with a fractious toddler who refuses to sleep despite being exhausted.

Oh! Oh, that's where I went wrong! Just let them snooze in the pushchair. Why didn't I try that! And DH. And nursery. What idiots we are. We just needed to let her snooze in the pushchair.

I remember one day when dc1 fell asleep in the puschair. I completely freaked out and went in to check if he was still alive 😁😁
This baby/toddler NEVER slept in a pushchair.

I wouldn't be upset about the Christmas presents as I wouldn't want a family member to struggle financially to buy my kids gifts. The nap thing is a bit precious. I have 3 kids they all napped whenever (cars, buggy etc). The youngest 2 had to fit in as the oldest was in school when they came along so napped whenever due to school pick up times etc. Its really helped them have better night sleeping patterns. Personally I wouldn't decline a party for a nap.

I once got a text from nursery "Hey, just wanted to let you know DD fell asleep in the buggy on our walk this morning. She seems fine now but presume she's coming down with something, we'll keep an eye!". It was so unheard of the manager greeted me at the door at pickup with "OMG did you hear DD slept on the walk?!". She was indeed coming down with something.

She did it one other time in her whole life - while getting over a tummy bug. We kept stopping to check she was breathing.

Op please don't think you did anything wrong it is entirely up to you how you choose to parent your Ds and frankly nobody else's business.
If he is happier with his nap routine then stick to it, going to a party is not compulsory!
I was in your camp with my two, as l always prioritised their home naps until the age of 3 ish, as then l had contented babies who rarely cried, entertained themselves even if not held and were the easiest babies and toddlers anyone could wish for, who slept all night from 7pm,.....if the naps were missed l had cranky whiny, toddlers who didn't sleep well at night.
This age is a small window in their and your life, parties can wait.

Have confidence in doing it your way.

I can see both sides here.

If you asked me when my first was 2, I'd have thought you were being a bit ridiculous and precious. The occasional rubbish nap doesn't really matter and besides it's really important to get them used to napping out and about because then it's less of an issue. Honestly though she did nap anywhere so it wasn't an issue.

If you asked me when my second was 2 I'd have been very much on the fence. Second child didn't nap well on the go, but equally it's a special occasion.

Now - my second is almost 5. But she has been very ill and it's left her with fatigue issues. Her nap (she's not at school yet) is absolutely sacrosanct. Even my work day is planned around it. Party invites that clash are turned down. But it's 'needed' in a far greater way.

So I'm on the fence really.

I wouldn’t say I suffer with anxiety but I wouldn’t deliberately make plans early afternoon because my DS who is 2, still naps then. He is miserable me without nap. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I think it’s just being a good parent actually!! You do you and make the choices you feel are best for your child. Xx

This is a tricky question as I can definetely see it from both perspectives.

A HV said to me early on that “responsive parenting is being responsive to your babies need and enabling them to also be responsive to yours” and this has always stuck with me. Most days I will plan my day around my youngest’s nap - if there’s something on, that we need or want to do, they’re nap might need to be changed slightly to accommodate this. I have found this approach works for us - giving my DC good sleep routines without being restrictive

Children benefit from new experiences, opportunities and chances to socialise as much as they do a nap every day

I sympathise with you on nap times. I was always very routine - especially with DS1 - with these and I’m sure it’s why I had settled bedtime routines and relatively uninterrupted sleep. It was harder when younger children came along but I still stuck with it as much as possible. I used to get really annoyed when my in-laws would book meals to eat lunch quite late because it disrupted both meal and nap routines and we were the only ones with a baby to work around, and if we booked meals at a time that worked for us, they would turn up late and/or take ages to order.

However, I would probably say that around age 2, the occasional exception to routine won’t do any harm.

Lack of presents is ridiculous. You don't buy to receive and as long as they got a card it would of been sufficient. I usually get people a box of biscuits to share when I've got no money. As for the nap thing with your first you always panic over everything because you're learning together. When you have more than one it's a wow I don't actually have to do that moment with alot of things. Naps can be detrimental when missed but I would of travelled at their naptime to the party so they didn't miss their nap. I have 3 autistic children the last one who needs this type of strict routine, the other 3 need routine but are a little more flexible with advance notice. We however work it so we are in the car or on the bus in his pushchair for the naps or bedtime. If it's a family member they usually are very accommodating and we may go early so he can nap there in a travel cot. There are definitely ways round it and I assume she was very upset you weren't able to look round the situation and come up with a solution to go and thought well you're obviously not bothered with me I've had enough. These are ideas you can use and build on though to keep more friendships and get out more.

I think there was probably a middle course. Maybe you could have worked out how to get the most sleep and do that, ie leave a bit later or earlier and park round the corner to have a longer nap. Or get there a bit later or leave early or something. It wasn’t like there would be no nap.

You seem like you are you are doing exactly what works for you and for your little boy and what helps you to lower your anxiety and be the best parent you can be. The fall out over not buying presents is ridiculous and feels very unfair. As your DS gets older you will find the balance that works for you but it seems like the party wasn’t realistic for you for a number of reasons and not something you usually attend anyway. Keep doing what feels right for you and your family x