Do you do things/activities as a family all together?

[staryeyed]

If so what do you do and how old are your children?

osotc - I wanted to say bolshy, but I thought it sounded rude so i didn't!

Don't you think, though, that children acquire stubborn behaviour tactics from their parents?

If you lay down the law to your children, they learn to do the same to you.

Just from seeing the similarities and differences in the way my siblings and I react in certain circumstances, I think it is both nature and nurture that influences the way people are.

Sure, OSOTC.

But, in my experience, children frequently model their parents' behaviour. If a child is brought up in a home with a parent who believes they have a right (or even duty) to lay down the law and have the last say, children typically react either by withering into submission or modelling the same behaviour.

If a child is brought up in a home where parents both together as a couple and with their children try to reach rational consensus as a matter of course, children gain confidence and trust in their ability to be heard and taken seriously, if they put forward rational arguments.

Don't agree Anna. Parents need to set boundaries because they are the parents.

I absolutely agree that there are times children have to do things that they wouldn't choose to do themselves. E.g. sometimes my kids come with me when I'm shopping. Sometimes they get treats for being well behaved when doing something they don't especially like but they have to do it. All children have to learn that life isn't all about fun and sometimes they have to fit in with other people's needs. Otherwise they grow up selfish and spoilt. There's been loads of stuff about this in the news this week. Massive behavioru problems at school because some parents don't have the confidence to be parents and try to be their kids friends. And some kids are constantly spoilt so they don't understand why throwing a tantrum at school can't get them out of things they don't find fun or get them their own way the way it does at home.

You have to take personalities into account. Forcing a child to do something they really don't want to do can make it miserable for everyone else and defeat the whole purpose of having 'fun'. You have to know when to take hints, before it turns into a stand-off or face-loss. And to make things more complicated, that child may be unpredictable about when they are amenable and when they are not.

Consensus and cooperation doesn't mean there aren't boundaries - on the contrary, reaching consensus is about deciding where your mutual best boundary lies.

I get one or two of my kids to come shopping because they need to help with household chores. I don't wrap it up as fun - just something that needs to done to keep family life ticking over.

It is also helpful to them as it teaches them about how to shop.

I don't know why you think I don't agree with you. I do think this is the best way to parent. I'm just saying sometimes there have to be exceptions.
Off to aqua step now.....

But its like anything else ScienceTeacher a child who knows that if they have a tantrum/sulk if they don't get their own way will keep on doing this. It's absolutely right that children should do things they don't especially like sometimes with good grace.

I'm sorry Anna but that sounds like liberal parenting gone mad. I am absolutely a respectful and loving parent but if I want my kids to come shopping or do their homework those are the boundaires and it's not up to my kids to negotiate. There are some times when they are offered a choice e.g. do you want to tidy your room now or before bed or do you want to do this bit of homework or that bit of homework now.

ScienceTeacher - absolutely, children cooperate quite easily with chores (shopping, putting out the rubbish, whatever...) when they understand that they get something out of it, too - whether that be grateful parents, having a say in the food that is bought, getting jobs done sooner so that there is more time for fun...

Of course I have a right and duty to set boundaries. LOL at the idea that we will all sit down as a family and reach a consensus about whether the dds brush their teeth, watch the telly, get ready for school. There may be more room to negoitate with older kids (although I'd be very clear what was up for negotiation and proably present it as a choice between 2 things) but young children need and actually want clear guidance.

fivecandles - frankly, my stepchildren do their homework with no reminders and always have done (not my input at all, they learnt to do that when their parents were together). And they don't complain about helping me with shopping on the rare occasions I need them to - they understand they need to cooperate if they are going to get fed.

It's not liberal parenting gone mad - it's liberal parenting that has been successful IMO. There aren't tantrums - the negotiations are peaceful.

Anna sometimes kids have to do things where there is nothing in it for them. That's life. That's about learning that life is not all about fun and being selfish.

No, children (or adults) shouldn't have to do things when there is nothing in it for them.

Why? Give me an example?

I don't see the point in trying to treat a child who doesn't like that kind of treat. I don't think it encourages stubborness at all. It shows that you are sensitive to their likes and dislikes.

It only manifests into stubborness if you insist they go, and they insist they won't. One of you has to lose - you have to drop out well before it gets to this stage, so they don't think they 'won'.

It's one thing to pursue if it is essential to their health and welfare - it's another if it is meant to be a treat and enjoyable.

Now if it's a situation where you are unable or unwilling to leave them at home, or are away on holiday, then you need to mix up the activity so that everyone gets something out of it.

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But Anna what happens when the children say they won't do the homework or help with housework? Presumably this happens sometimes in your house. It is perfectly normal for a child to test boundaries sometimes. If they don't want to do something that you want them to do what do you do?

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well we went clothes shopping yesterday and 3 of us wanted to go to Pizza Express

dd1 did not

so we went to PE and she sat there with a face on for 45 mins which I cheerfully ignored

Homework is never an issue in this household.

DSS2 (10) is quite resistant to washing/hygiene. We use lots of explanations as to why he must wash, and if he doesn't wash properly my partner or I wash him ourselves and show him (yet again) what he needs to do to get properly clean.

DSS2 also doesn't want to drink enough. So we tell him he has to drink a large glass of water before he gets any food - explaining also why he needs to drink water.

Negotiation tactics are quite peaceful.

Of course, people (adults and children) have to do things where there's nothing in it for them. If I want to go to the shops or visit friends and my kids don't for example. If I want the kids to turn the telly off. If I want them to tidy their room. Yes, I know you could argue that all of these things could be presented as in their interests but that's not necessariyl their perception is it? And sometimes kids just have to do what you tell them for safety or to learn that it's not all about people bending over backwards to keep them happy.

Well DH works most weekends so the time we do spend as a family are few and far between. We were both meant to be off next week but one of my mindees parents hasn't decided if she can get cover or not so i may have to work

If she can get cover we will be doing loads of stuff,if she can't dh and the dc will be doing loads of stuff.

We tend to go to the local heritage centre/swimming/park/out to eat and the library etc.