Do you do things/activities as a family all together?

[staryeyed]

If so what do you do and how old are your children?

We have an expectation that they will do homework, chores, get new shoes, haircuts etc. They know they have to do it and have no choice other than to delay to the last possible minute.

I don't tell them that these things will be fun though. I won't insist the whole family partakes in all these activities for the sake of being 'together'. Buying shoes is single child/single parent activity - and I will often use this kind of task and an opportunity to have one-on-one time (ie go out to lunch) with the child. It's quite the opposite of forcing everyone together.

Anna says, 'We have lengthy conversations about what we are all going to do and when, and discuss how, over time, each one of us is going to get to do what he/she wants. The secret to consensus is discussion and the fair spread of decision making across the family.'

I really cannot imagine having the time for this (not to mention the patience)

But Anna nobody is arguing that you shouldn't provide an explanation for your rules. That doesn't stop them being rules.

fivecandles - I think that if you cannot think of a rational argument why something is in your child's interest, you should not force him/her to do it.

Forcing children into submission? When was that good parenting practice?

We do when we get the chance. dh works on saturdays a lot so its not always easy.

We are members of a farm with loads to do. We go there alot.
We go out for meals , go shopping, swimming, visit family, cinema (haven't taken dd yet but will soon), park etc.

Occasionaly we go to London and visit Tte Science Museum and NH museum etc. We'd go more but always end up spending lots of money.

Sorry ds is 5. 3 and dd is 2.7 yrs

ScienceTeacher - but we all love going to the hairdresser / buying clothes and shoes - it's often a big outing for the five of us (even if only one or two children are having their hair cut / buying stuff) and we all discuss endlessly what style etc the child should choose....

E.g.

Me: Dd2 brush your teeth please
DD2: I don't want to
Me: If you don't brush your teeth they'll get holes in and you'll smell like a dog.
DD2: I don't want to
Me: Do it now please. Thankyou.

How does it work in your house Anna? Do you all sit down and have a consensus about toothbrushing?

Anna I cannot believe that there are not issues which are sources of conflict or disagreement in your house.

Me (to DD): let's go and brush our teeth
DD: just a minute
Me: I'll get there before you and will finish quicker
DD: no no me first me first

Yes of course there are millions of issues that we don't agree on. But we have lengthy conversations all the time about everything so that we reach consensus.

Lucky you, Anna. Add another couple of kids into the mix and see if your experience changes.

Even if we did all mutually enjoy these things, I'd still want to have exclusive time with each child individually.

Anna it is not about 'force' it is about making sure that your children respect your position as a parent (not a friend) and your rules.

I'm taking dd2 to Ikea later. She probably will enjoy it when she gets there but there really isn't anything in it for her. That's life.

I went to ASDA yesterday and asked my elderly neigbours if they wanted anything. There wasn't anything in it for me (except I supposed you could argue a feel good factor but this is something children learn over time).

Me: we need to clean our teeth
dd1: dd2 is a poopoo land
dd2: AM NOT
dd1: are!
dd2: AM NOT

Me: I AM NOT IN THE MOOD, IT IS 8.30AM NOW CLEAN YOUR TEETH!!!!
dd1: poopoo
dd2: am not!

MI, as usual, talks the most sense on this in her post on Sun 23-Mar-08 18:04:52.

I DO love doing things together as a family although it can be tricky with a largish age gap (5 years) and a small baby that is a bit shouty and fiesty! But I also like my own space and think without it I would go insane! Also think that although DS1 really enjoys time with me and DP and DS2, he also loves playing out with his friends as much, if not more sometimes, than doing 'family' things.

The point is that you need everyone to share their feelings and thoughts about things often enough and in sufficient detail so that everyone has enough information to understand one another's POV. You can't get cooperation if you don't understand one another's POV - only submission (or resistance).

And I was just wondering were la cod was (as knew there would be words of wisdom) and somehow I missed her post but have just seen it and agree.

Gosh, it's miles easier to do "things as a family" if you only have one.

I have one, but two stepchildren - so we are frequently making five-way decisions, plus we have to factor in a whole other agenda (boys mother). It's really complicated, and if any one party starts laying down the law, it all goes haywire.

well that is all very well Anna but when you are doing the school run/getting them to MIL by 7.30am, talking does not cut the mustard

I talk until I bore myself to death and in the main it works (it is my only form of 'discipline')

but on occasion, my rule is law and bad news to any sproglet that thinks otherwise

Just pretend, Anna, that you, your partner and your older children wanted to go for a walk and your little one didn't. What would happen?

In a household with more than one child and no staff I can't see how the family would function without the children sometimes having to do things that are not of interest to them.

Right now in the Janni household, DS(8) is sweeping the kitchen floor, DS (11) is changing his sheets and is off to buy milk and pick up laundry from the launderette. They're both envious of DD (3) watching CBeebies. They don't WANT to do these things - but they know they won't get to go on the computer later if they don't .

That's fine Anna. As I've said nothing wrong with encoruageing children to see that they will feel good if they are making others happy and to understand the reasons behind why you and they should do things. But there should still be rules and sometimes kids will not like them. Tough.

There are lots of things my parents got me to do that I didn't appreciate at the time. E.g. used to hate visiitng certain relatives but it's right that I did thse things. I probablty knew that at the time too - that it was right for me to do the things - didn't stop me kicking up a big fuss about htem though. And my parents probably did the nice explanation thing and if that didn't work there was no more negotiaton.

There are some things and some times where children should not negotiatte.

She's three. She generally loves going out. If she doesn't want to go for a walk (and doesn't want to go out on her scooter or bicycle or in the pushchair, which are of course all reasonable alternative forms of locomotion), she's tired and needs to stay at home. And so one adult stays behind.

That's a fair negotiation.