Can I decline the health visitor?

[FtmB]

So I have started seeing the health visitor with baby boy, he’s now 6 weeks old and she wants to see him every week. Considering she’s stated she’s around until he’s 5 I cannot handle that weekly.
additionally, me and my partner have been very sick lately. I had strep throat one week, then my partner caught something in work last week, and I’ve now caught that off him as well. It’s been a nightmare. In response to that we’ve told her we won’t be able to have any visits a minute as I’m so poorly, I can’t even look after myself, let alone the house, so need to focus all my energy on just the baby for now. Since then I’ve had her turning up at my door leaving notes about being concerned, and voice mails saying she’s worried and desperately needs to weigh the baby.
I just find it all a bit baffling? I’ve stated I’m just sick a minute so why the concern? And for background, babies put on a healthy amount of weight each week and has been a bit advanced in terms of milestones so I don’t understand the worry?

long story short, she’s becoming more of a hassle than help, and weekly appointments just to weigh him until he’s 5 seems a lot. We don’t feel as though we need her visiting and would rather her service go to a family who does. We thought the health visitor was going to be another midwife like service that we could just reach out to if we had any concerns, not weekly visits for the next 5 years?

Yes.

The one I had for my second child was useless and nasty so I threw away the red book and never saw her again.

I think you have gotten confused, you have a HV until your child is 5, they only visit weekly for the first 9weeks. It is not just to check on babies weight but to check on you too, to support you and talk through any stress/concerns you have. I understand you’ve been unwell, but they only pop in, I think it’s understandable they have concerns that you are so against them coming over. Please see it from their side, if they didn’t bother or really make sure you were ok, and you had severe postnatal depression, and did something to yourself or the baby, they would be at fault; them not making sure you are ok could put not only their job at risk, but they might never forgive themselves! You see some awful things that happen on the news, the poor woman is just trying to do her job, and is only making sure you are ok, I don’t understand why you’re so reluctant to have them? It’s only a few more weeks, then they don’t return until your child is 1? I have found mine so vital in terms of recommending local groups to me, for support when my baby was in A&E and later in hospital….

It really wouldn't result in a referral to children's services if you decline the HV service. Only if there are substantial enough worries. If OP is telling the truth about their situation then there is no reason that the HV would complete a safeguarding referral and if they were to they would generally need to speak to OP before doing so to get consent!

You can decline, but in this situation, I would not (yet). If your HV has told you she is concerned (I know you think she's being ridiculous, I had similar with an overbearing HV myself), it is best for you to start attending the weigh in clinic weekly. That way, you don't have to have her in your home, and they can still check baby to show there is no reason for their 'concerns'.

When you go, just casually mention that you and your husband have both been ill, which is why you didn't have her around. Then say you're happy to come to the weigh in clinic. Then, once you've been for a few weeks, say to them, as there's no weight concerns, is it ok if I come monthly? They may ask for fortnightly, but you can either agree or show them the bit in the red book which states that babies without weight concerns shouldn't be weighed regularly (think it says more than monthly but check).

Then, it'll feel less pressured.

You can always say after a number of months have passed, "oh wee Jimmy's doing so well with his weight gain, I don't need to keep bringing him here every month, I'll see you at the annual development check appointment, thanks for everything".

Use your judgement to see how they are as to whether you could opt out altogether or not. The problem is, although you can opt out, as soon as they've said they "are concerned", if you opt out, they will call social services. I know you may think that's ridiculous, but some of them really do get concerned over precious little.

My last HV was very overbearing and insisted on coming into my home despite me having highly contagious gastroenteritis. She then wrote in the HV notes that "mother did look unwell, so perhaps she is being truthful". Cheeky bitch. Not long after that I made a complaint about her (there were a lot of reasons, she really was awful), she got very spiteful and started sending letters out to the GP about her "serious concerns", this was only AFTER I'd made a complaint about her and asked for a different HV. So I always think you need to be very careful with these people.

There is a reason why she's coming weekly. I would ask her - say that you are thankful for her kindness but you don't feel it's necessary, you know that the system is stretched and you wonder why you are felt to need weekly visits - if there's a mistake you can explain that whatever her concern is, isn't actually true.

No requirement to see a HV at all. I've not seen one at all in the four years my child has been alive.

No HV in the land has the time to see most mothers more than the minimum stated contacts.

Just tell her you don't need their help.

What if something happened to you when your husband's working away?

Since you've said you've no support network it's good there's a professional checking in that you and baby are ok.

So you grew up in an abusive home. They will want to ensure you know how to care for baby. Hv are lovely, your partner doesn't need to be in? Tbh it makes it sound like he controls you and who comes in the home. With how your behaving you will have her hairs up

If you don't engage then expect social services

What country are you in? I'm in England and never saw the health visitor at all with my first child until he was 2 (it was Covid but still...) I called once when he wasn't putting on weight and she wouldn't really help so I got help from a midwife friend instead. With my second, i have seen tbe health visitor once !
they should be on your side, though. Maybe have a chat to her about why she thinks you need to be seen weekly?

I declined visits after the heel prick. I told them I'd contact them if I had any concerns and attend the clinic for weigh ins. It was during covid. My eldest was weekly for the first 8 ish weeks.

You are not obliged to see them.

I'd call her and tell her that you and the baby are fine. You are unwell with XYZ and don't want visitors. You will contact her if you want to see her but you are finding weekly visits intrusive and would prefer them monthly or to attend the clinic for weigh ins.

It seems fairly obvious that if you are saying you are too ill to open the door, she is going to worry that your are too ill to look after the baby properly.

Sounds like something has been flagged and there’s a concern for the baby. I would let her in if you’re so sure everything is fine otherwise you might find social services on your case.

The HV service is obliged to offer their services. Families are under no obligation to receive them. They can only insist if they raise their concerns to SS and a court order is put in place.

If I were you, I would write to the health Trust and ask for a full copy of your baby's record and ask for confirmation in relation to the proposed weekly visits.

My experience of the service, albeit nearly 30 years ago, was not good. The advice was poor, the hv was disinterested in the can't be bovvered way of an inexperienced person. The HV had no cognizance of making mutually agreed appointments, told me she was responsible for vaccinating my baby (not without a court order was anyone but my dh and I responsible), dictatorial about bf and very unhelpful at the first and second bout of mastitis, telling me she wasn't an expert and to ring the NCT as they knew more than her. I was also instructed to attend a baby clinic without being told it was optional shoukd I wish to do so.

I complained. The head HV disregarded my request never to deal with the service again. That was after a failure to provide advice re bf, a failure to provide further info than in the leaflet about immunisation and the fact that she recorded my baby had breathing issues. He did not.

I made a formal complaint to the Trust CEO. It was upheld and some funding for a bf counsellor was made available to the hv service it was made very clear that the service was optional.

I never used it again, I threw away the red book and wrote and notified them I wanted no contact once my next child was born.

The service was disingenuous and wholly incompetent. There was no information that it was an optional service. If I had had any concerns about my children I'd have sought the advice of a qualified paediatrician, not that of nurses who have opted out of the hard bits of nursing for paperwork and drinking tea.

I hope things have improved. I suspect not.

However it is worth noting that even then we were educated and had privilege and the ability to articulate. Had we been remotely vulnerable I would not have had the courage to complain about their bog awful service.

I don't like health visitors and I find mine pretty annoying, but I suspect there's a massive back story here.

I would make an appointment for her to call to the house and put any concerns that she might have to rest, but I’d then explain that you’re finding the prospect of a weekly appointment to be too much and that you’d rather drop into clinic less frequently for baby to be weighed. Make it very clear that you know where they are and will reach out with any concerns you might have

I'm so interested - posters who are saying they declined HV - why? It never even occurred to me to. Surely you want any extra checks/advice with your baby that are available.

-Home visits where the appointment where the time slot can be over many hours (eg Tuesday afternoon) doesn’t work well when you have other things going on like the school run.
-Not all HVs are good (knowledge and people skills)
-Not everyone wants baby weighed and to ask HVs questions when it’s obvious that they are getting bigger and somewhere like here can provide answers quicker.
-Not everyone has questions. They have other sources of help like sisters and friends or are experienced mums who know that things are going fine.

I declined the 2 year check for my second child. The reasons were I did not find the 12 month check added any value. I simply filled in a questionnaire and read the answers to the health visitor who totted up a score and noted it down. She didn't offer any comments or advice and simply told me that my DD was tracking on schedule for most sections except gross motor skills of which I was already aware (both my girls were late walkers).
The 2 year check appointment could only be made for term time Mondays and I work then. I refused to take annual leave (while still paying for nursery) to attend such a meeting. I save my annual leave for school hols.

They sent me a letter confirming I was refusing the service and threatening to report me to other agencies. I ignored the letter and nothing further has happened.

My health visitor was some kind of horror gremlin. I told her not to come back after her first visit. That was the last time we saw an HV 🤷🏼‍♀️

Never saw ours weekly. She came out to do the heel prick test in the early days and kept an eye on us as we had trouble feeding. But we just then were told we could go the weekly clinic for getting weighed. No expectation to turn I weekly. But they were there weekly to weigh /‘d chat if needed. With my first I did go religiously at least fortnightly but with my second less so. Key times were around weaning and then 1 year and 2 year checks.

She was really helpful with my second child who I’d had to A&e several times due to the screaming. We knew from DD that it was likely she had reflux and a CMP allergy but the GP wasn’t being helpful and insisting on trying lactose free milk before trying the hypoallergenic milk we asked for (we had it for DD 1). HV came one day mid scream fest and got on the phone herself to the GP and insisted we got a prescription that day for the hypoallergenic milk. We did and within a few days we had a different child.

Out HV and nursery nurses at the clinic were lovely. I suspect they kept an eye out in the first few weeks for any red flags but that’s just their job. People refusing to see them can be a red flag. If you’re poorly then tell her and ask for in the following week. Many should be weighed every couple of weeks in the early days.

Eh? I saw mine twice in the whole time between 0-5 for both my kids?!

@TyrannasaurusJex oh yes, I wanted support and advice but I wanted that support and advice to be well informed, up to date and clinically competent alongside kindness and efficiency.

Based on the uninformed and incorrect advice the HV and Community midwives offered in the absence of basic good manners, I decided it wasn't available from nurses and my knowledge was better served by books written by actual paediatricians and from suitably qualified doctors.

My babies didn't need weighing. They could be seen to fill out their baby gros.

Where we did need some help and support was with DS's intractable wheeziness after bronchiolitis. A leading paediatric chest consultant turned him round providing far better advice than the community paediatric nurses, who huffed and puffed when their ancient nebuliser broke down because they had the fag of replacing them. A new one cost about £100 - the NHS can't suggest one buys one that works. Of course we had to pay for expert advice. Similarly both my dc had rank ears with infection after infection. The local hv's were telling friends in similar situations that glue ear resolved by 7ish and had no lasting impact for the average child. Who assesses a child as average? Mine weren't. The GP at least sagely nodded, said a referral on the NHS could take two years as my children's speech was unaffected and agreed a private referral was the way to go. Up to an HV my dc would have suffered for years and had ab's constantly. Private referral followed by grommets within 4-6 weeks turned them round completely. DS had 14 ear infections in 9 months. Grommets at 16 months turned him round. DD had about 8/9 in as many months and I slept dozed with her upright in my arms in the feeding chair from December until 20th March when she was grommetted, having cried almost constantly. Whilst her speech was advanced (talkative parents with clear enunciation) she had never before heard the birds, evident from her excitement and pointing at the trees and picking up their rhythm. And the HVs kept telling mothers glue ear resolved without intervention. Utter boileaux!

If the state wants to insist I receive its services, the state must ensure its services are fit for purpose.

Personally I wouldn't decline at the moment, she's clearly being insistent for a reason you (or we) may not be aware of/agree with. If you refuse her, you're potentially going to end up with a safeguarding knocking on your door, as that is standard practice of they can't be assured of baby's health and wellbeing (or yours).

She won't be visiting you weekly, she means the HV service is available until 5 years old then change to school nursing service.

As long as your house isn't infested/mouldy etc she's not going to bat an eyelid at dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor etc

Weekly visits until the age of 5? I can't imagine that's right.

Mine turned up twice within the first month post birth and that was it.