Can I decline the health visitor?

[FtmB]

So I have started seeing the health visitor with baby boy, he’s now 6 weeks old and she wants to see him every week. Considering she’s stated she’s around until he’s 5 I cannot handle that weekly.
additionally, me and my partner have been very sick lately. I had strep throat one week, then my partner caught something in work last week, and I’ve now caught that off him as well. It’s been a nightmare. In response to that we’ve told her we won’t be able to have any visits a minute as I’m so poorly, I can’t even look after myself, let alone the house, so need to focus all my energy on just the baby for now. Since then I’ve had her turning up at my door leaving notes about being concerned, and voice mails saying she’s worried and desperately needs to weigh the baby.
I just find it all a bit baffling? I’ve stated I’m just sick a minute so why the concern? And for background, babies put on a healthy amount of weight each week and has been a bit advanced in terms of milestones so I don’t understand the worry?

long story short, she’s becoming more of a hassle than help, and weekly appointments just to weigh him until he’s 5 seems a lot. We don’t feel as though we need her visiting and would rather her service go to a family who does. We thought the health visitor was going to be another midwife like service that we could just reach out to if we had any concerns, not weekly visits for the next 5 years?

You're being overly dramatic and raising red flags.

The health visitor won't have weekly visits until 5 but now she's concerned about your baby and your wellbeing, it will be weekly until they're satisfied.

They don't care about your house being messy if the baby is looked after. They want to weigh the baby to make sure he's gaining weight and well in himself (and if not, that you've sought advice from a doctor).

She would have been fine if you said 'can we move the date to x because I've got a cold and feel horrible' but you haven't been in contact for ages and now she's rightly concerned.

If you refuse visits and she's already concerned there's a likelihood of a referral to social services. You're entitled to refuse visits but if there's a safeguarding concern they have to report.

I also think you’ve possibly raised suspicion for her to visit weekly. We never had weekly visits for either DD (10 and 3) but had the option of attending weekly drop ins for DD1 to be weighed and to speak to a HV. If we had missed too many weeks or they had safeguarding concerns, they would have arranged a HV to check on her/us. DD2 was born in lockdown so only calls to the HV and I went to see the midwives until she was 6wo. If they’d had concerns, they would have arranged more appointments or home visits.

You saying you’re too ill for multiple visits has likely increased their want to see you.

*Edited to add

Of course you can decline her. Tell her you don't need her, that should be the end of it.

As others have said you generally tend to get more visits to begin with just to check everything's ok (although not weekly visits unless there’s issues- I got more with DS as he had a tongue tie and feeding was an issue) and then it goes down to developmental checks at set intervals (seems to vary widely by area). Sure I was given the rough general schedule on one of her first visits.
You mentioned they’ve been weekly but do you mean they’ve tried to arrange a visit and you’ve declined and then contacted again for the following week which you’ve also declined? If thats the case they just need to tick a box to say they’ve seen you- if alls well they’ll leave you alone until the next box needs ticked. Agree with PP’s- repeated declining of visits might arouse suspicion (not necessarily issues with your care of DC but PND, abusive/controlling partner, financial difficulties any number of things). They are just doing their job and although you know everything’s ok health professionals get a rough ride in the media if they’ve let things slip and things go wrong……
I’ve had 4 different HV’s over the last 18 years (my 1st HV was unusually male!) and only didn’t really rate one as she just didn’t seem interested in doing her job (she failed to follow up on concerns I raised re DD2’s speech despite promising to do so- nursery referred DD in the end) all others were a great source of support.

Yes it really sounds like, unless there's quite a backstory, you have misunderstood her and now you're making things much worse.
She will definitely not want to visit weekly for 5 years. HV are "involved" until school age but after 6 months that normally means a yearly checkup, if that.
It seems that there has been some cause for concern around the baby's health or home situation and the HV will want to do regular checks for the timebeing until she is satisfied all is well - this is her job. Please let her do it.

I’ve never heard of weekly visits until age 5 unless there’s social services involved. Some mums like having their child weighed weekly but that tends to tail off by the end of maternity leave and working meaning that a parent isn’t available during the day.

Was your baby ill or prem when they were born? Our HV came weekly until my eldest was 6months because she had a NICU stay at birth and then struggled to gain weight. At 6months we changed to monthly appointments as all was going well and then after 1yr we are just on the standard schedule of the 2yr check then the preschool check I think?

Im not sure what you mean by being ahead of some milestones at 6weeks? But she's probably just wanting to check all is well. 6 weeks post partum is a tricky time (including for things like PND which my HV picked up as a result of her regular results).

It's probably too late for this now the concern has been raised. They are going to want to see that baby, OP and the living conditions. Of the HV can't make progress with OP they will likely pass to SS.

I think I saw the HV all of ten times from birth to 5!

I didnt see a health visitor even close to weekly with any of mine, even with my eldest who I was under a higher level of care with due to being in the teen mum cohort. Even then I only saw my HV maybe 3 times in the first few months and that was that.

Sounds like she has a concern for yours and/or babies welfare.

Next time she turns up let her in.

If you are coughing cough all over her.

If you are snotty then let your mucus flow.

Don't worry about the state of the house just make sure the stuff for the baby is clean. (Which you are doing anyway.)

Then after she has seen you and ticked her box tell her to bug off.

I think you should put your child first and allow her to visit.

It sounds similar to what we had. DS was born at 33 weeks and struggled with feeding and putting on weight. We had a lot of appointments in the first 6 months. Once they were happy with his progression they saw him again at 10 months and 12 months. We just went back in last week for his 24 months check and he’s sitting nicely on the 25th percentile for weight.

I hated home visits. It stressed me out especially because we have a big dog who has no concept of personal space. We asked if we could maybe go into the clinic instead and that was what we did.

Maybe ask her if you can do that? Was your little one preemie too by any chance? Because it’s a more intensive follow up than a baby born at term who didn’t need a NICU stay.

I declined health visitor appointments while pregnant and haven’t ever seen one. It’s an optional service but they aren’t upfront about this.

Your issue now is that your HV clearly has some concerns about your family. If you don’t meet with her at least to show all is well, she may have to escalate her concerns. I would get this resolved before you decline the service.

”Let your mucus flow” is a particularly unpleasant turn of phrase!! @Reugny

HV is doing her job ensuring that a tiny baby is safe and well. She might be wrong to be worried, but it’s better she checks and is reassured, than she doesn’t check and a baby is harmed.

Delightful

its not weekly until 5, i didnt see my HV after 2 years old. i had weekly visits when newborn then it turned to every 3 months for developmental check

also my HV didnt have any worries, only that i couldnt Breastfeed so she would come weight my son and then talk about feeding. turns out he had a dairy intolerance so she helped him get set up with special milk as i wouldnt have known.

There is no way health visitors have capacity to do weekly visits, regardless of the age of the baby and most certainly not until they are 5. I work closely with the HV department for my local trust and it's never been heard of, most trusts are seriously lacking in health visitors. I suspect something else must be going on, social services? If so that might make a bit more sense and will be flagged up if you start declining their visits.

The level of defensiveness for the support of a HV is possibly a red flag for them and they want to see those people more. I see them as a service to utilise and a way to safeguard children and mums from things like neglect, abuse or PND.

I was a teen mum with DD1 (nearly 20 so only just) so I must have flagged for them. However, I willingly engaged with them, took DD to the weekly check-ins at the children centre, showed that I had support around me and DD was being well cared for. Their involvement quickly reduced to just the standard amount.

Yeah it’s crazy the difference! We were the same and saw a HV twice in the first few weeks of birth, had a phone call at 1 year, and told there will be a phone call at 2 years. That’s it. A friend who’s baby had a slight health problem needed to have a few extra visits initially, but weekly visits sounds insane! We’re far too busy for that!

I suspect you may have weekly visits for a couple of months. Then the frequency will reduce. I very much doubt you would have weekly appointments for 5 years, unless there were complications from a health condition or the likes.

So childish.
I agree with pp who referred to the case of the poor toddler who died because his father died and nobody knew.
The HV has a statutory responsibility to mothers and to children under 5. Just communicate in an adult fashion.

I never had a HV home visit but would take baby to the clinic to be weighed regularly. Could you do that instead?

Something must have triggered these visits? We saw our HV at 10 days, 8 weeks, and now won't again until 1 year...