5yr old asking HOW Daddy puts the seed in Mummy's Tummy

[CremeDeSudo]

What do I tell her?! DD is 5.5, very bright and switched on and has recently being very interested in pregnancy and having babies. We've told her the generic 'Daddy puts a seed called sperm in Mummy's tummy where there's an egg which join together and grow into a baby' and she knows you go to the hospital and the Dr gets the baby. I don't think she knows where it comes out yet! But recently she's been asking how the seed gets in the tummy and I don't know how to answer! Any tips? We didn't have the proper birds and bees talk with DS until he was 9 and 5 feels awfully young for the details! Help!

Those who think that young children should not be told basic biological facts: What damage do you think is done to the child by telling them the truth? Honest question.

My personal opinion is that shame and fear breed in the vacuum created by taboo, silence and misinformation.

I have spoken to ds about the importance of consent - both his and the other party's - since he was very little. This has been part and parcel of being open about the mechanics of sex, and I think it is basic safeguarding.

It is clear to me that far too many parents do not impress upon their sons how crucial it is to get explicit and enthusiastic consent.

I trust this is a joke!!

The whole "special cuddle/hugs" nonsense creates confusion - damaging confusion I think. Hopefully children's lives are full of cuddles and hugs - to muddy the waters by equating those with reproduction is not at all helpful. When does a cuddle become special? How does a child know whether a cuddle from their Dad might not be the one that makes a baby?

Pussyfooting around just leaves the child in ignorance and from ignorance flows misunderstandings.

They have known the words penis and vagina longer, they just don’t know they’re used for anything other than peeing - or so you choose to believe! Have you never been on a playground?

I'm not keen on the 'special hug'. Grass just confusing.

@Mischance, if you think that's a joke, you're obviously not a very humorous person. While I appreciate your point, I gave the options that OP could choose should her daughter ask again. Only one of them was to be vague/use that language. And, tbh, I'm not sure why you'd single my post out when it's one of a hundred comments saying the same.

What you choose to tell your children is your decision and OP has that same choice with her family. If she's not comfortable using biological terms/facts at the moment, I don't think it's the end of the word and won't cause life-long damage. No one is saying she'll forever tell her daughter this, just that it's an acceptable answer for now. Plus, she could easily elaborate so there's no confusion about it happening to her:

"Grown-ups give each other a special cuddle when they're naked so their private parts touch.... Now, shall we go and get a snack?" This is more than a sufficient explanation for a 5 year old in my opinion and not really misleading/won't cause them to think it'll happen to them.

Disagree if you want, but OPs child isn't yours so really it's irrelevant what you think. I hope my original post was helpful in giving some different options to OP as it's ultimately only her that can decide which approach is best for her and her family.

1. "How do you think it happens, darling?" And whatever she suggests, go along with that. - so the child says "I think that a dog drops me on the doorstep" - would you go along with that?
2. That's all you need to know for now and I'll tell you when you are older. Would you really say that to a child who asks a factual question? If he asked what clouds were made of would you ask him to wait till he was older?
3. Be cloudy/vague with your answer and then change the subject. "The grown-ups give each other a special hug"... Now who wants a snack?!" I have already explained why the special hug is so dangerous; and why would you be vague? Are you vague about any other questions?

@Mischance , I really don't know why you've gone out of your way to pick apart my post, which wasn't directed to you. As I've explained, your opinion is irrelevant. OP can decide what she deems to be an appropriate response for her daughter. But I'll bite...

1. so the child says "I think that a dog drops me on the doorstep" - would you go along with that? Do you really believe a child would suggest this in response to 'how does the seed get to the egg?' 🙄 You're coming up with the most ridiculous suggestions to try and prove your point, which just makes your response seem desperate. The child is more likely to suggest the 'seed' is swolled (or similar), which OP could agree to go along with if she is happy to do so. I didn't say this is what she should do, but that it's an approach she might choose to take.

2. Would you really say that to a child who asks a factual question? If he asked what clouds were made of would you ask him to wait till he was older? Again, a ridiculous comparison. This is a discussion about how much is 'too much' in terms of the sex talk with young children. If OP feels 5 is too young to go into the ins and outs (excuse the pun) of sex, who are you to tell her she has to ignore her instinct as a mother and must respond in the way that you see fit? I'll reiterate that your opinion is just that, not law.

3. I have already explained why the special hug is so dangerous; and why would you be vague? Are you vague about any other questions? I have already explsined that this can be clarified so there's no confusion for the child if this could happen to them. There's of course loads of questions a parent would be vague about, if it was appropriate to do so at that age, with the intention of being more open when they have the emotional maturity and understanding needed. E,g 'Mum, why is my dad in prison?' Age appropriate response: 'He did something he shouldn't have and it really hurt some people.' Would you need to go into details that he murdered someone in cold blood at 5? I think not.

@PrudeyTwoShoes I really don't like the comparison of sex and murder.

@Perfect28, it was just one example of when a parent would be vague to a child, it's a completely hypothetical scenario so I'm not sure what there is to be upset about really. People on here are making alll sorts of leaps from 'special hugs' to a child being sexually abused and not having terminology to discuss it. Of course a child being sexually assaulted is more more accepted topic to discuss? However, my intention wasn't to cause any distress. So, Lifestyle, parental separation, even silly things like the tooth fairy/Father Christmas are all 'ok' to be vague about within context of the child's age.

@PrudeyTwoShoes There's of course loads of questions a parent would be vague about, if it was appropriate to do so at that age, with the intention of being more open when they have the emotional maturity and understanding needed. E,g 'Mum, why is my dad in prison?' Age appropriate response: 'He did something he shouldn't have and it really hurt some people.' Would you need to go into details that he murdered someone in cold blood at 5? I think not.

It comes down to what you think is appropriate and what is just nonsense.
'Mummy and daddy experimented with various positions. We found reverse cowgirl worked really well as daddy could thrust his penis really deep which mummy found most satisfying. He then came with an almighty yellow and spurted his cum deep in my vagina.'

Not appropriate

Daddy makes the seed in his body. The seed is called sperm. He used his penis like a hose and puts the sperm inside mummy in her vagina. The seed and the egg join together and a baby grows inside mummy in a place called the uterus which is here (used hands to indicate)

Appropriate.

Mimi and daddy give each other a special hug and then 9 months later a baby appears

Nonsense.

Yellow=bellow

I've told DD the truth, she was around 4 when she asked and I said something like...

Mummy and Daddy decided they wanted to have baby, and only grown ups can have a baby

We made you by mixing up Mummy's eggs and Daddy's sperm in a place inside Mummy's body called a uterus.

You grew inside Mummy for a long time, and when it was time for you to be born, you came out of the hole between Mummy's legs called a vagina.

As time has gone on, we've expanded on the process, explaining about periods, what they are, when they might happen to her, more discussion about penises, vaginas, puberty, hormones etc.

DH and I both have the discussions with her as and when they crop up, because we want her to be able to discuss anything with us - we
don't say "ask your dad/mum" and so far she's accepted everything we've told her.

Just be honest. The more (appropriately) open you are the better, and it stops being embarrassing very quickly.

@redheadsaregreat, I'm not disagreeing with you, and haven't.

All I said to PP who mentioned my post specifically was that I believe, in this instance, it's down to parent discretion to decide how they handle the situation. If you want to explain as you've said above, fine. In my opinion, it's also fine for a parent who wishes to to put off the conversation for a little while longer. It's not the end of the world like some posters on here would like you to think it is.

Tell them the truth. Tell them the minimum you're comfortable with. Tell them it's it's a 'special hug that only grownups can give'. My point: there shouldn't be this amount of judgement whatever you choose to do. There's no parenting book to tell us what we should do in any given situation so parents should just do what they think is best for their own kids and family and what they're comfortable doing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Genuinely think this 70s classic hasn’t been beaten in terms of making things clear and age-appropriate.

"she knows you go to the hospital and the Dr gets the baby."

sorry to be pedantic but I hope this is not the wording you actually used; this is not what happens in a vaginal birth, doctors do not get babies out, women push them out! I had a home birth with DC2 actually but even for hospital births it's the woman not the doctor. Obviously c-sections are different and I'm happy for the surgeon to take the credit for actually getting the baby out although it is no mean feat for the woman to go through surgery and recovery of course.

As for book recommendations, I borrowed a few from the library and this was by far the best IMO

Let's Talk About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends https://amzn.eu/d/ab8dceb

Wow, didn't expect this to take this turn!

The 'Dr getting the baby' is because she was an elective section. We drive past the hospital regularly and I told her that's where I went and the Dr took her out of my tummy.

Plan is, I'm going to wait for her to ask again, then read Mummy Laid an Egg with her. Will go with 'when Mummy and Daddy decide they want a baby, Daddy uses his willy like a hose and sperm squirts out. His willy goes inside the vagina where the sperm and the egg meet and grow into a baby. When the baby is ready to come out, sometimes the Mummy pushes the baby out of her vagina, but sometimes the Dr needs to help in the hospital'

We've already looked at pictures of uterus', the baby growing etc so she's familiar with that part already.

100% on board with answering any questions honestly. We've always done this, and my initial reaction was to tell her but I wanted to a) speak with DH and b) consider what an age appropriate response was!

Thank you everyone 😁

This is clear, but "baby making place"? What is wrong with vagina?

@ACourseInstead OMG! We had that book! It was great but ….Why on earth is there a cat lining up dead flies next to the couple having sex? And why does an erect penis need a dog in the background. This is very strange :-)

In case anyone is interested..when Mummy Laid An Egg turned up she saw it so we read it straight away. I explained as I said previously as we went through the book. At the end she was mostly put out at how silly the parents are! She then asked me again yesterday, so I explained again (willy squirts sperm out like a hose. Willy goes in vagina. Egg and sperm join to make a baby and when the baby is ready some Mummy's will push it out through their vagina, some need a Dr to help). Not phased at all by this response and proceeds to demonstrate some of the 'positions' from in the book! 🙈 but she seems happy with that now. Thank you everyone 😁

Well done! That's one little girl who will be able to ignore playground ideas about sex, and who will know that her Mum will always tell her the truth and answer her questions. All good.

I told my 4 year old the truth.