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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I In the wrong for feeling this way? Step child and our child

103 replies

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 10:51

Hi just a quick one,

Me and my partner have a two year old together and he has a son from previous relationship who is 11.

We don't live together properly although prior his home was our home and we'd all be there. Since May however we rarely stayed as he worked away ALOT etc. i also now live closer to my mum and my work so it works as I've only recently got a car again.

Before he used to try and ask us to stay out on Fridays as he wanted a boys night.

However my question is, is this okay? Am I over reacting.

I hate the feeling of being unwanted while he's got his son. I worry about our child who screams everytime we pull away. She will soon understand we are allowed to stay when brother isn't there but when he is were not allowed.

Usually we spend around 4 hours together on a Saturday but yesterday they were to busy as had plans which might be why I feel so hurt and down.

He says he misses us but I don't believe him as it's his own fault that we're not there as a family. I don't know how he can say he misses us when he does this to us. Yeah he has his son eow but it's the way life works when you move on and have other children you surely don't push the other child out just because you don't see the oldest enough. I have friends who have more than one kid they don't kick the other out essentially because of this.

Not that it matters but his son still sits in the living room on his play station etc they have the tv on the coffee table pulled right up to the sofa which wouldn't happen if our child was there etc I just feel like we get in the way and obviously my child would wake earlier than the 11 year old which means noise levels are higher.

Is there anyone else in this situation? I have no money so I couldn't go and keep us busy I'm just about surviving till the end of the month. I just want us to be a family.

I just dread it when our child is old enough to see what her dad is doing and I will be making sure I'm
Honest but leaving it to him to answer and figure out.

I look forward to every other week for this reason i feel we need our time with him so much.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 10:54

It seems very unfair, OP.

Does your boyfriend pay you maintenance?

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 10:57

Not OK and a weird set up. Not fair on you or your dd at all

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 14/01/2024 10:57

This is so weird. I think you need to sit your husband down for a full and frank discussion tbh.

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Families

WaitingfortheTardis · 14/01/2024 10:58

It doesn't sound like there is much partnership going on here. Your needs and those of your child matter, what do you want to happen?

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:01

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 14/01/2024 10:57

This is so weird. I think you need to sit your husband down for a full and frank discussion tbh.

It's her boyfriend, not her husband.

OP you can't really call this charmer your "partner", when he treats you like this.

Newyearoldhair · 14/01/2024 11:01

Its not really a relationship is it ?

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:02

Just to clarify he asks me to stay when his child isn’t there he used to request us live there move out on a Friday and come back on a Saturday so every 12 days he’d expect this. I have since told him i am never doing it again. He also asked us to stay Thursday just gone but mentally I couldn’t sit right with it knowing we’d be packing up and leaving ready for his eldest to arrive.

He pays me £40 per week and doesn’t do much above this.

i just feel like snapping at him every time he says he misses us. Yes I miss my child while I’m at work yes I miss him when he works away but how can you make a choice to not have both kids together and then have the right to say you miss us when your the only reason we aren’t there as a family. What gets me more is 9/10 the eldest will ask to stay at dads again the following weekends which means we get pushed last and we then don’t get another weekend where dad isn’t busy for us or for us as a 4. From the minute we wake

OP posts:

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:06

@WaitingfortheTardis

hi I want to be a family, I want us to spend time as a family, I want them to have quality time doing things they love and want to do as I will with our child while the eldest is with us but this whole living situation is a joke. We should be staying together and giving the kids each other.

Last weekend he told his eldest he was busy for the first time ever so he couldn’t stay so we could stay with him rather than just having us 4 together.

i just want a normal family set up. I generally don’t see how I can cope with this twice a month maybe more for the forseeable. I also feel like I need to say to him if this is the way he wants it he shouldn’t really have his eldest Extra as me and my child deserve a weekend with him too which isn’t fair but if he has his eldest 2 weekends then a weekend off that means we only get him one whole Saturday a month properly as when the eldest is there we only see them for an afternoon

OP posts:

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:07

This sounds fairly dysfunctional.

He's determined to keep his two families separate and have what he sees as the best of both worlds, in other words he gets to play daddy but with none of the daily drudge/responsibilities that go with it.

Let me guess, when you do go to his house you tidy it up don't you?

GreatGateauxsby · 14/01/2024 11:07

Jesus set the bar higher…
this is absolute fucking nonsense.

you are together and live together OR you aren’t together.

if you are together you cohabit he acts like an adult and full time father and if he wants 1:1 time with his son he takes him out or they do an activity together in the same house as you for an hour or two…

if you aren’t together he requests visitation with his daughter and you stop sleeping with him.

enjoyingscience · 14/01/2024 11:08

This is a weird set up.

If you don’t live together and don’t plan to, which is what it sounds like, you need to plan to prioritise yourself and your child as a single parent, which you effectively are.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:10

He 'works away a lot' and only pays you £40 per week?

Are you sure he's working when he's away?

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:10

@KissMyArt

i don’t do anything extra except take care of my child when we are there 😂 absolutely not. I also don’t extend any help out there anymore because of this.

its an absolute shit show and I’ve got to do something about it before this year ends up as shit as the last.

he points out how our child is starting to chill out more which makes it even more obvious he can’t handle both kids together at once although one just sits on his play station from Friday to Sunday.

we are due to go round in 2 hours and I just feel like I need to say something.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:12

Let me guess, when you do go to his house you tidy it up don't you?

I was thinking this, too.

OP do you do his washing and cooking while you're there?

Does he take you and your child out?

Do you ever go out with him for dinner, without either of the children?

And is it possible that there's another woman in the picture when you're not there?

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:13

@KissMyArt

he does work away he’s on sites ripping places apart and doing the ground work etc.

we face time regularly when he’s away and he doesn’t drink he doesn’t do nothing he goes to bed at 9pm/10pm every night and is up at 4:30/5am.

i literally argue money all the time but I get an extra £10 a week for a short time and then it returns to normal.

I just feel resentful
towards a child although im
fully aware and focused it’s not his fault he’s not asking my partner to do it he’s not telling us we can’t be a family it’s purely my partner not doing the right thing

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 14/01/2024 11:15

Just to clarify he asks me to stay when his child isn’t there he used to request us live there move out on a Friday and come back on a Saturday so every 12 days he’d expect this.

This is bizarre! He wants you to pay for a house that you would hardly live in just so you can disappear every other weekend?! Does the son know about you at all?

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:16

@TheShellBeach

there’s no other woman and I know that because he just wouldn’t be able to cope with it and also he doesn’t like to be insulted so say if I told him I’d posted this. He’d be like why are you letting people look At me bad. Because he knows he’s doing wrong but doesn’t want to be told.

i don’t cook for him never have and I only clean up after me and my child. He’s got OCD mind and there’s nothing out of place.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:16

Reading your updates makes me believe that you'd be better off making a clean break and taking him to CMS to get a reasonable sum of money for your child.

But does he do a lot of cash in hand work?

Venturini · 14/01/2024 11:17

Why are you putting up with this shit? You’re not going to get anywhere with a loser like him. My god raise your standards for your own child’s sake.

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 11:17

He's happy to have her and his ds together more now she's chilling out more? Lovely! I imagine he thinks he's got the best of both worlds here - He never has to look after both his kids on his own as you two are a couple, but he can kick you and his dd out whenever it's inconvenient having you there ruining his 'chill'. What a prince!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 11:18

You need to take your blinders off and finally admit to yourself that there is no "family" here. This relationship you have with him is dead in the water, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he's seeing another woman.

Why on earth are you tolerating this? Claim maintenance and move on with your life.

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:19

............and I only clean up after me and my child. He’s got OCD mind and there’s nothing out of place

Ah okay.

If he has OCD could that be why he can't cope with having the children simultaneously? Too much noise and mess?

Original poster

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:19

@Shinyandnew1

we have been together a long time now and I’ve lived properly with him and his child and met the ex/mum. This is more since our child left the baby stage and became a toddler.

I am due to be
homeless shortly so he’ll feel the pressure then however I have no intention of going back full time until he sorts his head out on this.

OP posts:

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 11:21

Just saw he has OCD. Is that diagnosed or do you just mean he likes things tidy?

If the former, I have a bit more sympathy for him, but it still is not good for you or dd

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 11:22

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 11:19

@Shinyandnew1

we have been together a long time now and I’ve lived properly with him and his child and met the ex/mum. This is more since our child left the baby stage and became a toddler.

I am due to be
homeless shortly so he’ll feel the pressure then however I have no intention of going back full time until he sorts his head out on this.

If you're about to be homeless, is he doing anything to help? After all, this affects his child, too?

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